(Cut instantly to sky.
CAPTION: 'SCOTT OF THE SAHARA')
Voice Over: Booming out of
the pages of history comes a story of three men and one woman whose courage
shocked a generation.
(Blinding sun. Pan down to
Paignton beach. Scott, Evans, Oates and Bowers wearing furs crossing sand on
snow shoes. With sledge pulled by motley selection of mongrel dogs, badly
disguised as huskies.)
Voice Over: From the same
team that brought you ... (the names come out superimposed) 'Lawrence of
Glareorgan' ... 'Bridge Over the River Trent' ... 'The Mad Woman of
Biggleswade' ... and 'Krakatoa, East of Leamington' ... comes the story of
three people and a woman united by fate who set out in search of the fabled
Pole of the Sahara and found ... themselves. See ... Lieutenant Scott's death
struggle with a crazed desert lion.
(The four are walking along.
Suddenly they stop, stare, and react in horror. Scott [Michael] steps to the
front to defend the others. Intercut, non-matching stock shot of lion running
out of jungle and leaping at camera. Scott waits poised and is then struck by
completely rigid stuffed lion. Montage of shots of him wrestling, firstly with
the stuffed lion, then with an actor in a tatty lion suit. The lion picks up a
chair, fends Scott off, smashes it over his head. Finally Scott kicks the lion
on the shin. The lion leaps around on one leg and picks up a knife. Scott
points, the lion looks, Scott kicks the knife out of the lion's paw. He
advances on the lion, and socks him on the jaw. The lion collapses in slow motion.
After a pause, phony blood spurts out.)
Voice Over: See Ensign
Oates' frank adult death struggle with the spine-chilling giant electric
penguin...
(Oates [Terry J] looks up in
horror, a shadow crosses him. Reverse shot of model penguin [quite small, about
a foot] which lights up and looks electric. The penguin is close to the camera
in the foreground and appears huge. Oates looks around desperately then starts
to undress out of the amazing quantities of clothing he has on. Shot of penguin
throwing tentacle. Half-nude Oates struggles with it. Intercut a lot of phony
reverses. Oates by now clad only in posing briefs sees a stone. He picks up the
stone, then camera zooms into above-naval shot; he removes his briefs, puts the
stone in the briefs, twirls it like a sling, and releases stone. The penguin is
hit on beak, and falls over backwards.)
Voice Over: ... See Miss
Evans pursued by the man-eating roll-top writing desk.
(Miss Evans is running along
screaming. Shot of desk chasing her [phony desk with man inside]. The roll top
goes up and down, emitting roars, and displaying fearsome white teeth inside.
As Evans runs, her clothing gets torn on each of the three cactuses. These are
well spaced apart so that there is a lot of trouble to get near them. When she
is practically nude, she runs out of shot revealing the announcer.)
Announcer: And now for
something completely different.