Phil: Pretty strong meat
there from Longueur who is saying, of course, that ultimately materialism, in
this case the Webb's Wonder lettuce, must destroy us all. That was for O.
Simon, K. Simon, P. Simon and R. Sparrow of Leicester. Later on, we're going to
take a look at John Wayne's latest movie, 'Buckets of Blood Pouring Out of
People's Heads' but now we look ahead. On Tuesday Chris Conger took a BBC film
unit to the location where 20th Century Vole are shooting their latest epic
'Scott of the Antarctic'.
(Chris Conger standing with
back to pier and a few holidaymakers behind him.)
Conger: Sea, sand and
sunshine make Paignton the queen of the English Riviera. But for the next six
months this sleepy Devonshire resort will be transformed into the blizzard-swept
wastes of the South Pole. For today shooting starts on the epic 'Scott of the
Antarctic', produced by Gerry Schlick. (walks over to Schlick)
Schlick: (American accent)
Hello.
Conger: Gerry, you chose
Paignton as the location for Scott.
Schlick: Right, right.
Conger: Isn't it a bit of a
drawback that there's no snow here?
Schlick: Well, we have
28,000 cubic feet of Wintrex, which is a new white foam rubber, which actually
on screen looks more like snow than snow...
(Cut to shot of people
nailing and sticking white foam rubber over things. It looks terrible. Others
are painting the sand with white paint.)
Schlick: ... and 1,600 cubic
US furlongs of white paint, with a special snow finish.
Conger: And I believe Kirk
Vilb is playing the title role.
Schlick: That is correct. We
were very thrilled and honored when Kirk agreed to play the part of Lieutenant
Scott (cut to Kirk Vilb who is wearing fur open at the chest; he is having a
chest wig stuck on and icing sugar squeezed on to his nose and eyebrows)
because a star of his magnitude can pick and choose, but he read the title and
just flipped. (cut back to Gerry Schlick and Chris Conger) And directing we
have a very fine young British director, James McRettin, who's been collaborating
on the screenplay, of course Jimmy...
(McRettin rushes into
foreground. He is in no way like J. McGrath.)
McRettin(John): Oh, there
you are. Hello. Hello. No problem. Have a drink. Have a drink. Great. Hello.
Marvelous. Marvelous. Hello. Rewrite. Oh this is really great. I mean, it's
really saying something, don't you think?
Conger: Have you started
shooting yet?
McRettin: Yes, yes. Great.
Perfect. No, no, we haven't started yet. No. But great - great.
Conger: What is the first
scene that you shoot this morning?
McRettin: Great. Terrific.
Oh it's great. No problem. We'll sort it out on the floor. Sort it out on the
floor. No problem. This film is basically pro-humanity and anti-bad things and
it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society's gin and tonic and leaves
a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony, have a drink, have a drink.
Conger: But which scene are
we shooting first, Jimmy?
McRettin: Yes, great. Oh,
marvelous. (calls out) Which scene are we shooting first? What? (to Conger)
It's scene one. Scene one. It's in the middle of the movie. Well, it is now. I
rewrote it. (calls.) I thought we cut that? Didn't we cut that?
Schlick: No, we didn't.
McRettin: We didn't. Oh
great. That's even better. I'll put it back in. Rewrite. (calling) Scene one's
back in everyone. Scene one's back in. Great. Great. (to Conger) This is the
scene - outside the tent - it's all bloody marvelous. It makes you want to
throw up.
(Cut to Schlick and Conger
on the beach.)
Schlick: Now in this scene
Lieutenant Scott returns to camp in the early morning after walking the huskies
to have brunch with the rest of his team. (cut to shot of tent with Bowers, who
is black, and Oates, sitting outside) Oates, played by your very own lovely
Terence Lemming, who is an English cockney officer seconded to the US Navy, and
Bowers played by Seymour Fortescue, the Olympic pole-vaulter.
(Film: Scott comes up to
them. He has two large boxes strapped to his feet to make him look tall.)
Oates: Hi, Lieutenant.
Scott(Michael): Hi, Oatesy.
Sure is a beautiful day already.
McRettin: (rushing in)
Great, great.
Scott: What? What are you
saying?
McRettin: I was just saying
great, great. Cue Evans.
(Sexy girl with long blond
hair comes into shot with short pink fur coat. She walks up to Scott who towers
four feet above her as she is walking in a trench.)
Schlick: And this is Vanilla
Hoare as Miss Evans.
Conger: Miss Evans?
Schlick: Right.
(Miss Evans is now beneath
Scott at knee height.)
Scott: Good morning, Miss
Evans.
Evans: Oh, I've forgotten my
line.
McRettin: What's her line?
What's her line?
(Girl runs in with script.)
Girl: It's 'Good morning,
Captain Scott'.
Evans: Oh, yeah. 'Good
morning, Captain.' Sc'..; oh, I'm just not really very happy with that line.
Could I just say “Hi Scottie” ?
McRettin: Great. Great.
Rewrite. Cue.
Girl: Hi Scarrie Oh, sorry.
Hi Stocky! Oh - I'm sorry again. Oh, Jim. I'm just unhappy with this line. Hey,
can I do it all sort of kooky, (goes berserk waving hands) like this? Hi
Scottie!
McRettin: Great! We'll shoot
it.
Scott: Are you sure that's
right?
McRettin: Oh, it's great.
(Gerry Schlick walks into
the shot.)
Schlick: Jim.
McRettin: Jim! Jim! Oh, me!
Schlick: Jim, I feel we may
be running into some problems here in the area of height.
McRettin: Great! Where are
they?
Schlick: Where are who?
McRettin: I don't know. I
was getting confused.
Schlick: Jim, I feel here,
that Scott may be too tall in the area of height with reference to Vanilla who
is too near the ground in the area of being too short at this time.
McRettin: Great ... Oh, I
know. I'm going to dig a pit for Scott and put a box in Vanilla's trench.
Scott: Say, why don't I take
the boxes off and Vanilla get up out of the trench?
McRettin: It wouldn't
work... It's even better! Great. Rewrite!
Evans: What was that?
McRettin: Oh, it's easy.
I've worked it out. Scott takes his boxes off and you don't stand in the
trench.
Evans: I say my lines out of
the trench?
McRettin: Even better.
Great.
Evans: But I've never acted
out of a trench. I might fall over. It's dangerous.
McRettin: Oh well, could you
just try it?
Evans: Look, you crumb bum,
I'm a star. Star, star, star. I don't get a million dollars to act out of a
trench. I played Miss St John the Baptist in a trench, (she walks along in the
trench and we see that she has two boxes strapped to her feet) and I played
Miss Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench, and I played Miss Alexander Fleming in a
furrow so if you want this scene played out of a trench, well you just get
yourself a goddamn stuntman. (walks off) I played Miss Galileo in a groove and
I played Mrs. Jesus Christ in a geological syncline, so don't...
McRettin: Great. Great
everyone. Lunch now. Lunch. It's all in the can. Good morning's work.
Schlick: But you haven't
done a shot.
McRettin: Just keeping
morale up. (tries to take a drink from his view finder)
(The same afternoon.)
Schlick: Now this afternoon
we're going to shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat on to the ice floe
and he sees the lion and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes
pssssssssshhh in slow motion.
Conger: But there aren't any
lions in the Antarctic.
Schlick: What?
Conger: There aren't any
lions in the Antarctic.
Schlick: You're right. There
are no lions in the Antarctic. That's ridiculous! Whoever heard of a lion in
the Antarctic? Right. Lose the lion.
McRettin: Got to keep the
lion. It's great!
Schlick: Lose the lion.
McRettin: Great. We're
losing the lion. Rewrite. Lose the lion everyone. That's fantastic,
Scott: What's this about our
losing the lion?
Schlick: Well, Kirk, we
thought perhaps we might lose the fight with the lion a little bit, Kirk,
angel.
Scott: (loudly) Why?
Schlick: Well, Kirkie, doll,
there are no lions in the Antarctic, baby.
Scott: (shouts) I get to
fight the lion.
Schlick: It'd be silly.
Scott: Listen, I gotta fight
the lion. That's what that guy Scott's all about. I know. I've studied him
already.
Schlick: But why couldn't
you fight a penguin?
McRettin: Great! (falls
over)
Scott: Fight a rotten
penguin?
Schlick: It needn't be a
little penguin. It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen. An electric
penguin, twenty feet high, with long green tentacles that sting people, and you
can stab it in the wings and the blood can go spurting psssssshhhh in slow
motion.
Scott: The lion is in the
contract.
Schlick: He fights the lion.
McRettin: Even better.
Great. Have a drink. Lose the penguin. Stand by to shoot. (falls over)
Schlick: Where do they have
lions?
Conger: Africa.
Schlick: That's it. Scott's
in Africa. As many lions as we need.
McRettin: Great!
Schlick: He's looking for a
pole no one else knows about. That ties in with the sand. Right. Paint the sand
yellow again. Okay, let's get this show on the road. 'Scott of the Sahara.'