The Death of Mary Queen of Scots/Penguin on the Telly

 

 

Radio Announcer: (John Cleese) And that concludes this weeks episode of 'How to Recognize Different Parts of the Body' adapted for radio by Ann Hayden-Jones and her husband Piff. And now we present the first episode of a new radio drama series, 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots.' Part One: The Beginning.

 

(Music)

 

Man's voice: You are Mary, Queen of Scots?

 

Woman's voice: I am!

 

(sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied by screaming from the woman.)

 

(Music fades up and out)

 

Announcer: Episode Two of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots', can be heard on Radio Four...almost immediately.

 

(music then sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman screaming. Suddenly it is silent.)

 

Man's voice: I think she's dead.

 

Woman's voice: No I'm not!

 

(Sounds of physical harm and screaming start again. Then music fades up and out)

 

Announcer: That was episode two of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots', adapted for the radio by Bernard Hollywood and Brian London. And now, Radio Four will explode.

 

(Music and then the radio explodes.)

 

(Two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it explodes. One looks at the other.)

 

First Pepperpot (Graham Chapman): We'll have to watch the Telly then!

 

Second Pepperpot (John Cleese): Yes. (sound of agreement)

 

(They turn the couch so it's facing the television. One turns the television on, and they sit down. There is a small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)

 

First Pepperpot: Well, what's on the telly-vision then?

 

(pause)

 

Second Pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.

 

(pause)

 

First Pepperpot: No no no no! I didn't mean what's on the telly-vision set. I meant what program?

 

Second Pepperpot: Oh

 

Both Pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair.

 

Second Pepperpot: Funny that penguin being there, isn't it?

 

First Pepperpot: What's it doin' there?

 

Second Pepperpot: Standin'!

 

First Pepperpot: I can see that!

 

(pause)

 

First Pepperpot: If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the telly-vision set.

 

Second Pepperpot: We'll have to watch that.

 

First Pepperpot: Mmmmmm

 

Second Pepperpot: Unless it's a male.

 

First Pepperpot: Ooh, I never thought of that.

 

Second Pepperpot: Yes. It looks fairly butch.

 

(pause)

 

First Pepperpot: Per'aps it comes from next door.

 

Second Pepperpot: (yelling) Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!

 

First Pepperpot: (yet louder) BURMA!!!

 

(They both stop short, looking around)

 

Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say Burma?

 

First Pepperpot: I panicked.

 

Second Pepperpot: Oh.

 

(Pause)

 

Second Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.

 

First Pepperpot: Which zoo?

 

Second Pepperpot: (angrily) 'ow should I know which zoo?!? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!!

 

First Pepperpot: 'Ow does Doctor bloody Bernofsky know which zoo it came from?

 

Second Pepperpot: He knows everything.

 

First Pepperpot: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life.

 

(pause)

 

First Pepperpot: Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it'd have 'property of the zoo' stamped on it.

 

Second Pepperpot: No it wouldn't! They don't stamp animals 'property of the zoo'!! You couldn't stamp a huge lion!!

 

First Pepperpot: (confidently) They stamp them when they're small.

 

Second Pepperpot: (snapping back) What happens when they molt?

 

First Pepperpot: Lions don't molt.

 

Second Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.

 

First Pepperpot: (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!

 

(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)

 

Man: (Terry Jones) Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.

 

(The penguin explodes)

 

First Pepperpot: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!

 

Man: It was an inspired guess. And now...