Motor Insurance Sketch

 

 

 

(A group of Gumbys shuffle into extreme left edge of frame. They do not move any further into the picture. After a bit of humming and harring:)

 

Gumbys: Oh! And the next item is a sketch about insurance called 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'...

 

(Cut to Mr. Devious's insurance office. Devious and a man are sitting there.)

 

Devious (Michael): What do you want?

 

Man (Graham): Well I've come about your special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offer...

 

Devious: What was that?

 

Man: Fully comprehensive motor insurance for one-and-eightpence.

 

Devious: Oh, oh, yes ... yeah well, unfortunately, guv, that offer's no longer valid. You see, it turned out not to be economically viable, so we now have a totally new offer...

 

Man: What's that?

 

Devious: A nude lady.

 

Man: A nude lady?

 

Devious: Yes. You get a nude lady with a fully comprehensive motor insurance. If you just want third party she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft...

 

Man: No, no, I don't really want that, Mr. errrrr... Mr...

 

Devious: Devious.

 

Man: Mr. Devious, I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin,

 

Devious: Aston Martin?

 

Man: Yes.

 

Devious: (quickly) Five hundred quid.

 

Man: Five hundred quid?

 

Devious: Forty quid.

 

Man: Forty quid?

 

Devious: Forty quid and a nude lady.

 

Man: No, no, I'm not interested in a nude lady.

 

Devious: Dirty books?

 

Man: No, no, look, I'm not interested in any of that. I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. Can you please quote me your price.

 

(Cut to outside the door of the office. A vicar stands there.)

 

Vicar (Eric): Knock knock. (Cut to inside office)

 

Devious: Who's there?

 

(Cut to outside.)

 

Vicar: The Reverend...

 

(Cut to inside.)

 

Devious: The Reverend who?

 

Vicar: The Reverend Morrison.

 

(Cut to inside.)

 

Devious: Oh, come in.

 

(The vicar enters.)

 

Devious: Now then, vic. What's the trouble?

 

Vicar: Well, it's about this letter you sent me.

 

Man: Excuse me, do I have any more lines?

 

Devious: I don't know, mush, I'll have a look in the script... (he gets script out of drawer) Where are we? Show 8. Are you 'man'?

 

Man: Yeah.

 

Devious: No... no, you've finished.

 

Man: Well, I'll be off then. (he leaves)

 

Devious: (reading script) 'The vicar sits'.

 

(The vicar sits.)

 

Vicar:' It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.

 

Devious: Oh, yeah, yeah - well, you see, it's just that we're not... as yet ... totaly satisfied with the grounds of your claim.

 

Vicar: But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement.

 

Devious: Oh well, that's just insurance jargon, you know.

 

Vicar: But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.

 

Devious: (rising and crossing to a filing cabinet) Oh well, Reverend Morrison ... in your policy... in your policy... (he opens the drawer of the filing cabins and takes out a shabby old sports jacket; he feels in the pocket and pulls out a crumpled dog-eared piece of paper then puts the coat back and shuts the filing cabinet).... here we are. It states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid.

 

Vicar: Oh dear.

 

Devious: You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know, if you never claim is very worthwhile ... but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.

 

Vicar: Oh dear, oh dear.

 

Devious: Still, never mind - could be worse. How's the nude lady?

 

Vicar: Oh, she's fine. (he begins to sob)

 

Devious: Look... Rev... I hate to see a man cry, so shove off out' office. There's a good chap.

 

(The vicar goes out sobbing. Cut to outside. Vicar collects a nude lady sitting in a supermarket shopping trolley... and wheels her disconsolately away. Cut back to inside of office. Close-up on Devious. He gets out some files and starts writing. Suddenly a bishop's crook slams down on the desk in front of Devious. He looks up - his eyes register terror. Cut to reverse angle shot from below.)

 

Bishop: OK, Devious... Don't move!

 

Devious: The bishop!