Lupins (Dennis Moore Rides Again)
(Fade up on a picture of
Queen Victoria)
Voice Over: Just starting on
BBC 1 now, 'Victoria Regina' the inspiring tale of the simple crofter's
daughter who worked her way up to become Queen of England and Empress of the
Greatest Empire television has ever seen. On BBC 2 now Episode 3 of 'George I'
the new 116 part serial about the famous English King who hasn't been done yet.
On ITV now the (sound of a punch) Ugh!
(Music starts. Picture of
Royal crest.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION:
'GEORGE I'
(The word 'Charles' below
the crest has been crossed out and 'George I' written above it.)
CAPTION: 'EPISODE 3 ' THE
GATHERING STORM'
(This looks very dog-eared
and thumb-printed. Cut to studio set of an eighteenth-century ballroom. Some
dancing is going on. A fop is talking to two ladies in the usual phony mouthing
manner. They laugh meaninglessly.)
Grantley: Ah! 'Tis my lord
of Buckingham. Pray welcome, Your Grace.
Buckingham: Thank you,
Grantley.
Grantley: Ladies, may I
introduce to you the man who prophesied that a German monarch would soon
embroil this country in continental affairs.
First Lady: Oh, how so, my
lord?
Buckingham: Madam, you will
recall that prior to his accession our gracious sovereign George had become
involved in the long standing Northern War, through his claims to Bremen and
Verdun. These duchies would provide an outlet to the sea of the utmost value to
Hanover. The Treaty of Westphalia has assigned them to Sweden.
Grantley: In 1648.
Buckingham: Exactly.
Grantley: Meanwhile
Frederick William of Denmark, taking advantage of the absence of Charles XII,
seized them; 1712.
Second Lady: Oh yes!
First Lady: It all falls
into place. More wine?
Grantley: Oh, thank you.
Buckingham: However, just
prior to his accession, George had made an alliance with Frederick William of
Prussia, on the grounds of party feeling.
Grantley: While Frederick
William had married George's only daughter.
First Lady: I remember the
wedding.
Buckingham: But chiefly
through concern at the concerted action against Charles XII...
(There is a crash as Moore
swings through the window on a rope. Everyone gasps and screams. He lands
spectacularly.)
Moore: Stand and deliver.
All: Dennis Moore!
Moore: The same. And now my
lords, my ladies ... your lupins, please.
(General bewilderment and
consternation.)
Buckingham: Our what?
Moore: Oh, come come, don't
play games with me my Lord of Buckingham.
Buckingham: What can you
mean?
Moore: (putting pistol to
his head) Your life or your lupins, my lord.
(Buckingham and the rest of
the gathering now produce lupins, which they have hidden about their several
persons. They offer them to Moore.)
Moore: In a bunch, in a
bunch. (they arrange them in a bunch) Thank you my friends, and now a good
evening to you all.
(He grabs the rope, is
hauled into air and disappears out of the window. There is a bump, a whinny and
the sound of galloping hooves. The guests rush to the window to watch him
disappear.)
Grantley: He seeks them here
... he seeks them there ... he seeks those lupins everywhere. The murdering
blackguard! He's taken all our lupins.
First Lady: (producing one
from her garter) Not quite.
(Gasps of delight.)
Buckingham: Oh you tricked
him!
Man: We still have one!
(they all cheer)
(Cut to a similar montage as
before of Moore galloping through forest, clearings and tiny villages. Song as
follows.)
Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore.
(Towards the end of this he
arrives at the same peasant's cottage as before, dismounts and runs to the
cottage door. He pauses. From inside the cottage we hear quiet moaning. Cut to
inside the cottage. In this rude hut, lit by a single candle, the female
peasant lies apparently dying on a bunk. Lupins are everywhere, in the fire, on
the bed, a large pile of them forms a pillow. The female peasant is moaning and
the male peasant is kneeling beside her offering her a lupin. Moore enters
slowly.)
Male Peasant: (dressed
largely in a lupin suit) Try and eat some, my dear. It'll give you strength.
(Dennis Moore reverently approaches the bed; the male peasant looks round and
sees him) Oh Mr Moore, Mr Moore, she's going fast.
Moore: Don't worry, I've...
I've brought you something.
Male Peasant: Medicine at
last?
Moore: No.
Male Peasant: Food?
Moore: No.
Male Peasant: Some blankets
perhaps... clothes... wood for the fire...
Moore: No. Lupins!
Male Peasant: (exploding) Oh,
Christ!
Moore: (astonished) I
thought you liked them.
Male Peasant: I'm sick to
bloody death of them.
Female Peasant: So am I.
Male Peasant: She's bloody
dying and all you bring us is lupins. All we've eaten mate for the last four
bleeding weeks is lupin soup, roast lupin, steamed lupin, braised lupin in
lupin sauce, lupin in the basket with sated lupins, lupin meringue pie, lupin
sorbet... we sit on lupins, we sleep in lupins, we feed the cat on lupins, we
burn lupins, we even wear the bloody things!
Moore: Looks very smart.
Male Peasant: Oh shut up!
We're sick to death with the stench of them. (sound of a meow and then a bump)
Look. The cat's just choked itself to death on them. (We see a dead cat with
lupins coming out of its mouth) I don't care if I never see another lupin till
the day I die! Why don't you go out and steal something useful!
Moore: Like what?
Male Peasant: Like gold and
silver and clothes and wood and jewels and...
Moore: Hang on, I'll get a
piece of paper.
(Cut to a montage of shots
of Moore riding away from the hut over which we hear the song.)
Dennis dun, Dennis dee, dum dum dum.
(Cut back to the ballroom to
find the same people discussing British history.)
Buckingham: This, coupled
with the presence of Peter and his Prussians at Mecklenburg and Charles and his
Swedes in Pomerania, made George and Stanhope eager to come to terms with
France.
Grantley: Meanwhile, a
breach had now opened with...
(Moore swings in as before.)
Grantley: Oh no, not again.
Buckingham: Come on.
Moore: Stand and deliver
again! Your money, your jewelry, your ... hang on. (he takes out a list) Your
clothes, your snuff, your ornaments, your glass wear, your pussy cats...
Buckingham: (aside to the
first lady) Don't say anything about the lupins...
Moore: Your watches, your
lace, your spittoons...
(Cut to a montage pretty
much as before but with Moore riding through the glades dragging behind him a
really enormous bag marked with 'swag' in very old English lettering. This bag
is about twenty feet long and bumps along the ground behind the home with the
appropriate sound effects to make it sound full of valuable jewels, gold,
silver, etc. Song as follows.)
He gives to the poor and he takes from the rich
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore.
(As he arrives at the poor
peasant's cottage they run out. They all open the bag together to the peasants
enormous and immeasurable joy.)
Moore: Here we are.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE
END'