The Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch

 

 

(Scene: A tobacconist's shop.)

 

Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy cigarettes....

 

A Hungarian tourist approaches the clerk. The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.

 

Hungarian (John): I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

 

Clerk (Terry J): Sorry?

 

Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

 

Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.

 

Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.

 

Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).

 

Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.

 

Clerk: Sorry?

 

Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels (pretends to strike a match).

 

Clerk: Ahh, matches!

 

Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?

 

Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.

 

Hungarian: You great poof.

 

Clerk: That'll be six and six, please.

 

Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?...... I...I am no longer infected.

 

Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words. Hungarian punches the clerk.)

 

(Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.)

 

Cop (Graham): What's going on here then?

 

Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.

 

Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?

 

Clerk: He hit me!

 

Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait 'til lunchtime. (points at clerk)

 

Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)

 

Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!

 

(scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.)

 

Bailiff (Eric): Call Alexander Yalt!

 

(voices sing out the name several times)

 

Judge (Terry J): Oh, shut up!

 

Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?

 

Publisher (Michael): (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.

 

Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?

 

Publisher: I am.

 

Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?

 

Publisher: Not guilty.

 

Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?

 

Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace.

 

Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company?

 

Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.

 

Bailiff: Your company publishes phrase books?

 

Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.

 

Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?

 

Publisher: Yes.

 

Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!

 

   (lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)

 

Judge: Get on with it, get on with it.

 

Bailiff: Yes m’lud. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.

 

Publisher: I did.

 

Bailiff: I quote on example. The Hungarian phrase meaning "Can you direct me to the station?" is translated by the English phrase, "Please fondle my bum."

 

Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.

 

Cop (Graham): (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?

 

Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not!

 

   (the cop sits down again, emitting a loud noise that was kind of half flatulence, half fog horn.)

 

Judge: Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?

 

Cop: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.

 

   (cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)

 

Judge: (banging + swinging gavel) If there's any more stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court.

 

Bailiff: Call Abigail Tesler

 

Lawyer (John) (John is standing next to a poster showing a young lady in a swimsuit posing in a very suggestive manner.  On the sign there is a considerable amount of writing and the label “Sunshine Sizzler”): M’lud, this is Abigail Tesler.

 

Judge:  Is it?

 

Lawyer:  Yes, M’lud.  Twenty-three year old Abigail hails from down under, though there’s nothing upside-down about her.  Those Aussies sure know a thing or two when it comes to beach belles.  Bet some lifesaver wouldn’t mind giving her the kiss of life.  So watch out for the sharks, Abigail.

 

(Cut to shot of a similar poster showing the judge with the title “Legal Sizzler”)

 

(Voice over, Eric): “Is this strictly relevant?” quizzed learned lovely Justice Maltravis.  Seventy-eight year-old Justice hails from Esher and he’s been making a big name for himself at Exeter.

 

(Poster of the lawyer next to the poster of the young lady)

 

(Voice over, Michael): “All will be revealed soon, M’lud” quipped tall forty-two year old Nelson Beadows, cutie QC.  Nelson’s keen on negligence and grievous bodily harm at Grey’s Inn.  And with cases like he’s won we get Grey’s in when Nelson’s around.

 

(Voice over, Eric Idle): “Well, get on with it,” Admitted seventy-eight year old Justice Maltravis seen here at London Airport on his way to judge the famous International Court at the Hague. 

 

(A gumby-like voice shouts: “Get off!” and an animated brick knocks Justice out of his picture and animation starts)