(Exterior large rubbish
dump. Hand-held camera tracks to Carol Cleveland in simple white dress with red
hair fourteen foot long, who is sitting on a chair holding a cabbage in her
hands. After a time Terry Jones, in white jeans, shirt and scarf enters shot
and stands around uneasily.)
Terry: Bonjour.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD MORNING')
Carol: Bonjour.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD MORNING')
(Pause. Terry looks uneasy,
glancing at camera.)
Terry: II fair beau ce
matin.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT'S A NICE
DAY')
Carol: Oui, oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES, YES')
Terry: D'accord...
(SUBTITLE: 'HEAR HEAR')
Terry: Venez-vous ici
souvent?
(SUBTITLE: 'DO YOU COME HERE
OFTEN?')
Carol: Oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES')
Terry: Ah. Bon. Bon.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD, GOOD')
(Pause.)
Terry: Je vois que vous avez
un chou.
(SUBTITLE: 'I SEE THAT YOU
HAVE A CABBAGE')
Carol: Oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES')
(Terry starts to laugh
falsely, and then the girl joins in. It is a miserable attempt to capture joy
and togetherness. The girl stops laughing before Terry does.)
Terry: Certainement il fair
beau ce matin.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT CERTAINLY IS
A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT')
(Terry wanders out of shot
but is very obviously pushed back into the picture.)
Terry: Je suis
revolutionnaire.
(SUBTITLE: 'I AM A REVOLUTIONARY')
Carol: Oh.
Terry: Qu'est-ce que vous
avez dit?
(SUBTITLE: 'WHAT DID YOU
SAY?')
Carol: J'ai dit 'oh'.
(SUBTITLE: 'I SAID
"OH"')
Terry: Ah. Tr's interessant.
(SUBTITLE: 'AH. VERY
INTERESTING')
(Cut to pimply youth in
studio.)
Phil: (Eric Idle) Brian
Distel and Brianette Zatapathique there in an improvised scene from Jean
Kenneth Longueur's new movie 'Le Fromage Grand'. Brian and Brianette symbolize
the breakdown in communication in our modern society in this exciting new film
and Longueur is saying to us, his audience, 'go on, protest, do something about
it, assault the manager, demand your money back'. Later on in the film, in a
brilliantly conceived montage, Longueur mercilessly exposes the violence
underlying our society when Brian and Brianette again meet on yet another
rubbish dump.
(Different part of the same
dump, but not very different. Carol is still on chair but this time with a head
of lettuce. Then Terry enters shot.)
Terry: Bonjour encore.
(SUBTITLE: 'HELLO AGAIN')
Carol: Bonjour.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD MORNING')
Terry: Je vois que
aujourd'jui vous avez une co-laitue.
(SUBTITLE: 'I SEE YOU'VE GOT
A WEBB'S WONDER TODAY')
Carol: Oui.
Terry: Bon.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD')
(Intercut quick shot from
war film: machine-gunner in plane.)
Terry: Il fair beau encore.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT'S A LOVELY
DAY AGAIN')
(Shot of Paris riots and
clubbing.)
Carol: Oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES')
Terry: Bon.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD')
(Shot of Michael being
struck on head with a club by John.)
Terry: Vous pouvez dire 'a
encore.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT CERTAINLY IS
A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT')
(Shot of collapsing
building, then a man at a piano (Graham); the lid slams on his hands.)
Terry: Certainement il fair
beau ce matin.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT CERTAINLY IS
A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT')
(Shot of aeroplanes bombing.
Shot of chef receiving arrow in chest. Shot of a girl kicking tall man on shin.
Shot of rockets being fired from plane.)
Carol: Oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES')
(Shot of hydrogen bomb.')
Terry: I1 fait beau bier. Ha
ha ha.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT WAS LOVELY
YESTERDAY. HA HA HA')
(Shot of man receiving a
punch in the head from a boxing glove. Shot of nun kicking a policeman in the
crotch.)
Carol: Ha ha.
(SUBTITLE: 'HA HA. HA HA. HA
HA.')
(Shot of Spitfire. Shot of
Korean soldier; then a man being beheaded.)
Terry: Quel surprise de vous
voir encore.
(SUBTITLE: 'WHAT A SURPRISE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN')
(Shot of Paris riots. Shot
of man having his foot stamped on. Shot of blazing building. Shot of man being
poked in the eye with an umbrella. Shot of battleship firing broadside. Shot of
man in underpants having a bucket of water thrown over him. Shot of soccer
violence. Shot of man bring knifed by a Greek Orthodox priest.)
Carol: Je t'aime.
(SUBTITLE: 'I LOVE YOU')
Terry: Je t'aime.
(SUBTITLE: 'I LOVE YOU')
(They smile at each other
happily for a moment. Then they hear something ticking. They listen carefully
for a moment and then both start to look fearfully at the lettuce. After a
moment of terror the lettuce explodes, in slow motion, blowing them apart. As
tatters and pieces of lettuce float through the air in slow motion, the camera
pans down to some autumn leaves. Freeze frame. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'FIN')