Film Director (Big Teeth)

 

 

(Cut to late-night line-up setting. Interviewer and interviewee.)

 

Padget: (Terry Jones) Martin Curry, welcome. One of the big teeth... big points that the American critics made about your latest film, 'The Twelve Caesars', was that it was on so all-embracing a topic. What made you undertake so enormous a tusk... task?

 

(We now see that his interviewee has two enormous front teeth.)

 

Curry: (Graham Chapman) Well I've always been interested in Imperial Rome from Julius Caesar right through to Vethpathian.

 

Padget: Who?

 

Curry: Vethpathian.

 

Padget: Ah! Vespasian.

 

Curry: Yes.

 

Padget: When I saw your film it did seem to me that you had taken a rather, umm, subjective approach to it.

 

Curry: I'm sorry?

 

Padget: Well, I mean all your main characters had these enormous ... well not enormous, these very big ... well let's have a look at a clip in which Julius Incisor .... Caesar talks to his generals during the battle against Caractacus.

 

Curry: I don't see that at all.

 

(Film: interior of a tent; generals around a table.)

 

Labienus: (Terry Jones, with relatively enormous front teeth) Shall I order the cavalry that they may hide themselves in the wood, O Caesar?

 

All: (with very large front teeth) Thus O Caesar.

 

Julius: (Graham Chapman, with amazingly large front teeth) Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.

 

(Back to interview set.)

 

Padget: Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big er ... very big um ... teeth?

 

Curry: What do you mean?

 

Padget: Well, I mean, er... and even in your biblical epic, 'The Son of Man', John the Baptist had the most enormous ... dental appendages ... and of course ... himself had the most monumental ivories.

 

Curry: No, I'm afraid I don't see that at all. (picks up glass of water but can't get it to his mouth) Could I have a straw?

 

Padget: Oh, a straw, yes, yes. Well while we're doing that perhaps we could take another look at an earlier film, 'Trafalgar'.

 

(Between decks. Nelson lying among others. They all have enormous teeth.)

 

Nelson: (Eric Idle) Cover my coat, Mr. Bush, the men must not know of this till victory is ours.

 

Toad: (Terry Jones) The surgeon's coming, sir.

 

Nelson: No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved. He can do little for me, I fear.

 

Toad: Aye, aye, sir.

 

Nelson: Hardy! Hardy!

 

Hardy: (Michael Palin) Sir?

 

Nelson: Hardy...' kiss... er ... put your hand on my thigh.

 

(Back to interview set. Curry is sitting practically upside down, trying to drink water with much difficulty)

 

Padget: Martin Curry, thank you. Well. We asked the first-night audience what they thought of that film.

 

(Cut to vox pops.)