Blackmail
(Music up-- wild applause
and cheers from the audience)
Announcer: Hello! Hello!
Hello! Thank you, thank you. Hello good evening and welcome, to BLACKMAIL! Yes,
it's another edition of the game in which you can play with *yourself*.
(applause) And to start tonight's show, let's see our first contestant, all the
way from Manchester, on the big screen please: MRS. BETTY TEAL! (applause,
which suddenly stops when the clap track tape breaks) Hello, Mrs. Teal, lovely
to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you're looking in tonight, this is
for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from revealing the name of your LOVER IN
BOULTON!! So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by return of post please, and your
husband Trevor, and your lovely children Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never
know the name... of your LOVER IN BOULTON!
(applause; organ music)
Thank you Onan! And now: a
letter, a hotel registration book, and a series of photographs, which could add
up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings for a
company director in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason, and a conservative M.P., so
Mr. S. that's 3,000 pounds please to stop us from revealing: Your name, The
name of the three other people involved, The youth organization to which they
belonged, and the shop where you bought the equipment!
(organ music)
But right now, yes everyone
is the moment you've all been waiting for; it's time for our 'Stop the Film'
spots! As you know, the rules are very simple. We have taken a film which
contains compromising scenes and unpleasant details which could wreck a man's
career. (gasp) But, the victim may 'phone me at any moment, and stop the film.
But remember the money increases as the film goes on, so,.... the longer you
leave it, the more you have to pay! Tonight, 'Stop the Film' visits the little
Thames-side village of Thames Ditton.
(music--announcer's voice
over)
Well, here we go, here we go
now, let's see...where's our man. Oh yes, there he is behind the tree now....
Mm, boy, this is fun, this is good fun.... He looks respectable, so we should
be in for some real...real shucks here.... A member of the government, could be
a brain surgeon, they're the worst.... WHOW! Look at the *size* of
that.....briefcase. Aah, yes, he's, he's up to the door, rung the doorbell
now.... O-oh, who's the little number with the nightie and the whip, eh? Heh-heh.
Doesn't look like his mother....could be his sister.... If it is he's in real
trouble.... And just look at that, they're upstairs already... whoah, boy, this
is fun! A very brave man, our contestant tonight. Who-ho-ho!! This is no
Tupperware party! Very brave man, they don't usually get this far...
What's--what's that, what's she's doing to his.....is that a CHICKEN up there?
No, no, it's just the way she's holding the grapefruit... Whoah, ho ho...
('Phone rings; buzzer goes
off. Applause)
(picking up 'phone)
Hello
sir...yes...aha-ha-ha...yes, just in time, sir, that was...what? No, no, sir,
it's alright, we don't morally censor you, we just want the money. Thank you
sir, yes,....what? You...okay....Thank you for playing the game, sir, very nice
indeed, okay....okay, see you tonight, Dad, bye bye.
Well, that's all from this
edition of Blackmail. Join me next week, same time, same channel....Join me,
two dogs, and a vicar, when we'll be playing 'Pedorasto', the game for all the
family. Thank you, thank you, thank you....