Beethoven's Mynah Bird

 

 

 

(Cut to Beethoven's living room. A model mynah bird is opening and shutting its beak. Beethoven is sitting at the piano.)

 

Beethoven (John): You don't fool me, you stupid mynah bird. I'm not deaf yet.

 

Mynah: Just you wait... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Beethoven pulls a revolver and shoots the bird which falls to the ground) Oh! Bugger...

 

Beethoven: Shut up!

 

Mynah: Right in the wing.

 

Beethoven: Shut your beak. Gott in Himreel... I never get any peace here.

 

(He plays the first few notes of the fifth symphony, trying vainly to get the last note. Mrs. Beethoven enters.)

 

Mrs. Beethoven (Graham): Ludwig!

 

Beethoven: What?

 

Mrs. Beethoven: Have you seen the sugar bowl?

 

Beethoven: No, I haven't seen the bloody sugar bowl.

 

Mrs. Beethoven: You know ... the sugar bowl.

 

Beethoven: Sod the sugar bowl... I'm trying to finish this stinking tune! It's driving me spare ... so shut up! (she leaves; he goes into opening bars of 'Washington Post March ) No, no, no, no, no.

 

(Mrs. Beethoven comes back in.)

 

Mrs. Beethoven: Ludwig, have you seen the jam spoon?

 

Beethoven: Stuff the jam spoon!

 

Mrs. Beethoven: It was in the sugar bowl.

 

Beethoven: Look, get out you old rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up.

 

Mrs. Beethoven: I don't know what you see in that piano. (she goes)

 

Beethoven: Leave me alone!! ... (gets the first eight notes right at last) ... Ha! ha! ha! I've done it, I've done it!

 

(Mrs. Beethoven comes in again.)

 

Mrs. Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread for your tea?

 

Beethoven: What!!!!

 

Mrs. Beethoven: PEANUT BUTTER...

 

Beethoven: I've forgotten it. (plays a few wrong notes) I had it! I had it!

 

Mrs. Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread?

 

Beethoven: I don't care!!

 

Mrs. Beethoven: Ooooh! I don't know. (she goes out)

 

Beethoven: I had it. I had it you old bag. (at the same moment as he gets it right again, the door flies open and Mrs. Beethoven charges in with a very load vacuum) Mein lieber Gott in Himreel. What are you doing? (a terrible clanking and banging comes from the wall) What's that! What's that!

 

Mrs. Beethoven: (still vacuuming loudly) It's the plumber!

 

(A jarring ring of the doorbell adds to the din.)

 

Beethoven: Gott in Himreel, I'm going out.

 

Mrs. Beethoven: Well, if you're going out don't forget we've got the Mendelssohns coming for tea, so don't forget to order some pikelets.

 

Beethoven: Pikelets, pikelets. Shakespeare never had this trouble.