French Lecture on Sheep Aircraft

 

 

(Two Frenchmen stand in front of a diagram of a sheep adapted for flying. They speak rapidly in French, much of it pseudo.)

 

First Frenchman: (JOHN) Bonsoir - ici nous avons les diagrammes modernes d'un mouton anglo-français ... maintenant ... baa-aa, baa-aa... nous avons, dans la tête, le cabinc. Ici, on se trouve le petit capitaine Anglais, Monsieur Trubshawe.

 

Second Frenchman: Vive Brian, wherever you are.

 

First Frenchman: D'accord, d'accord. Maintenant, je vous présente mon collègue, le pour célèbre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique.

 

(Transfers his moustache to Second Frenchman)

 

Second Frenchman Maintenant, le mouton ... le landing ... les wheels, bon.

 

(Opens diagram to show wheels on sheep's legs.)

 

First Frenchman: Bon, les wheels, ici.

 

Second Frenchman C'est formidable, n'est ce pas ... (unintelligibly indicates motor at rear of sheep)

 

First Frenchman: Les voyageurs ... les bagages ... ils sont ... ici!

 

(Triumphantly opens the rest of the diagram to reveal the whole brilliant arrangement. They run round flapping their arms and baa-ing. Cut to pepperpots in supermarket with off-screen interviewer.)

 

First Pepperpot: Oh yes, we get a lot of French people round here.

 

Second Pepperpot: Ooh Yes.

 

Third Pepperpot: All over yes.

 

Interviewer: And how do you get on with these French people?

 

First Pepperpot: Oh very well.

 

Fourth Pepperpot: So do I.

 

Third Pepperpot: Me too.

 

First Pepperpot: Oh yes I like them. I mean, they think well don't they? I mean, be fair- Pascal.

 

Second Pepperpot: Blaise Pascal.

 

Third Pepperpot: Jean-Paul Sartre.

 

First Pepperpot: Yes, Voltaire.

 

Second Pepperpot: Ooh! - Rene Descartes.

 

(Rene Descartes is sitting thinking. Bubbles come from his head with 'thinks '. Suddenly he looks happy. In a thought bubble appears 'I THINK THEREFORE I AM '. A large hand comes into picture with a pin and pricks the thought bubble. It deflates and disappears. After a second, Rene disappears too.)