The North Minehead Bye-Election

 

 

Knock. Door opens.

 

Landlady (Terry Jones): Hello, Mr and Mrs Johnson, isn't it?

 

Mr Johnson (Eric Idle): Yes, that's right. Yes.

 

Landlady: Oh, come on in. Excuse me not shaking hands, I've just been putting a bit of lard on the cat's boil. (Door closes)

 

Johnson: Very nice.

 

Landlady: Oh, you must be tired. It's a long drive from Coventry, isn't it?

 

Johnson: Yes, well, we usually reckon on five and a half hours and it took us six hours and 53 minutes, with a 25 minute wait at Frampton Cottrell to stretch our legs; only we had to wait half an hour to get onto the M5 at Droitwich.

 

Landlady: Really?

 

Johnson: Then there was a three mile queue just before Bridgewater on the A38. We usually come round on the B3339, you see, just before Bridgewater.

 

Landlady: Yeah. Really?

 

Johnson: We decided to risk it 'cause they always say they're going to widen it there. Yes, well just by the intersection there where the A372 joins up. There's plenty of room to widen it there, there's only grass verges. They could get another six feet, knock down that hospital. Then we took the coast road through Williton - we got all the Taunton traffic on the A358 from Crowcombe and Stogumber.

 

Landlady: Well you must be dying for a cup of tea.

 

Johnson: Well, wouldn't say no, long as it's warm and wet.

 

Landlady: Well come on in the lounge, I'm just about to serve afternoon tea.

 

Johnson: Very nice.

 

Landlady: Come on in, Mr and Mrs Johnson and meet Mr and Mrs Phillips.

 

Mr Phillips (Terry Gilliam): Good afternoon.

 

Johnson: Good afternoon.

 

Landlady: It's their third year with us; we can't keep you away, can we? And over here is Mr Hilter.

 

(In the corner are three German generals in full Nazi uniform, poring over a map.)

 

Hilter (Cleese with heavy German accent): Ach. Ha! Gut time, er, gut afternoon.

 

Landlady: Oho, planning a little excursion, eh, Mr Hilter?

 

Hilter: Ja, ja, ve haff a little... (to Palin) was ist Abweise bewegen?

 

Bimmler (Michael Palin, also with German accent): Hiking.

 

Hilter: Ah yes, ve make a little *hike* for Bideford.

 

Johnson: Ah yes. Well, you'll want the A39. Oh, no, you've got the wrong map there. This is Stalingrad. You want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section.

 

Hilter: Ah! Stalingrad! Ha ha ha, Heinri...Reginald, you have the wrong map here you silly old leg-before-vicket English person.

 

Bimmler: I'm sorry mein Fuhrer, mein (cough) mein Dickie old chum.

 

Landlady: Oh, lucky Mr Johnson pointed that out. You wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you? Ha ha. (stony silence) I said, you wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you?

 

Hilter: Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.

 

Landlady: Oh I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you. This is Ron. Ron Vibbentrop.

 

Johnson: Oh, not Von Ribbentrop, eh?

 

Vibbentrop (Graham Chapman, with German Accent): Nein! Nein! Oh. Ha ha. Different other chap. I in Somerset am being born. Von Ribbentrop is born Gotterdammerstrasse 46, Dusseldorf Vest 8.....so they say!

 

Landlady: And this is the quiet one, Mr Bimmler, Heinrich Bimmler.

 

Bimmler: How do you do there squire? I also am not of Minehead being born but I in your Peterborough Lincolnshire was given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all time during vor, due to jolly old running sores, and vos unable to go in the streets or to go visit football matches or go to Nuremburg. Ha ha. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes. Oh...and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating I am lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you know old chap, vot! And I vos head of Gestapo for ten years. (Hilter elbows him in the ribs) Ah! Five years! (Hilter elbows him again, harder) Nein! No! Oh. Was NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! I was not, I make joke! (laughs)

 

Landlady: Oh, Mr Bimmler. You do have us on! (Telephone rings) Oh excuse me. I must just go and answer that.

 

Johnson: How long are you down here for, Mr Hilter, just the fortnight?

 

Hilter: Vot you ask that for, are you a spy or something? Get on against the wall, Britischer Pig, you are going to die!

 

Bimmler: Take it easy, Dickie old chum!

 

Vibbentrop: I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, he's a bit on edge. He hasn't slept since 1945.

 

Hilter: Shut your cake-hole, you Nazi!

 

Vibbentrop: Cool it, Fuhrer cat!

 

Bimmler: Ha ha, the fun we have!

 

Johnson: Haven't I seen him on the television?

 

Hilter, Vibbentrop, Bimmler: (hastily) Nicht. Nein. No.

 

Johnson: Simon Dee show, or was it Frosty?

 

Hilter, Vibbentrop, Bimmler: Nein. No.

 

Landlady: Telephone, Mr Hilter. It's Mr McGoering from the Bell and Compasses. He says he's found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour...?

 

Hilter: If he opens his big mouth again, it's Lapschig time!

 

Bimmler: Shut up! Ha ha, hire bombers! He's a joker, that Scottish person.

 

Vibbentrop: Good old Norman!

 

Landlady (to Johnson): He's on the phone the whole time nowadays

 

Johnson: In business, is he?

 

Bimmler: Soon, baby!

 

Landlady: Of course it's his big day Thursday. They've been planning it for months.

 

Johnson: What's happening then?

 

Landlady: Well it's the North Minehead bye-election. Mr Hilter's standing as the National Bocialist candidate. He's got wonderful plans for Minehead!

 

Johnson: Like what?

 

Landlady: Well, for a start he wants to annex Poland.

 

Johnson: Oh, North Minehead's Conservative, isn't it?

 

Landlady: Well, yes, he gets a lot of people at his rallies.

 

Johnson: Rallies?

 

LandLady: Well, they're Bocialist meetings down at the Axis Cafe on Rosedale Road.

 

(Short scene cut: huge crowds outside going "Sieg Heil. Sieg Heil. Sieg Heil.")

 

Hilter: I am not a racialist, but...and dis is a big but...the National Bocialist party says that das (stream of German).

 

Bimmler: Mr Hitler (Hilter slaps him) ...Hilter says historically Taunton is a part of Minehead already!

 

Hilter: Und der Minehead ist nicht die letze (stream of German)...in die Welt!

 

Crowd: Sieg Heil.

 

(Cut to interviews on the street)

 

Yokel (Chapman): I don't like the sound of these 'ere Boncentration Bamps.

 

Woman (Idle): Well, I gave him my baby to kiss, and he bit it in the head!

 

Upper class (Cleese): Well, I think he'd do a lot of good to the Stock Exchange.

 

Woman (Cleese): No! No!

 

Himmler (in disguise): Oh yes Britisher pals, he is wunderbar-ful.

 

Pepperpot (Jones):

 

Gumby (Jones): I think he's got beautiful legs.

 

Conservative (Chapman): (droning) Well... speaking as the Conservative candidate I just drone on and on and on and on without letting anyone else get a word in edgeways, until I start foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards. Ooo-aaahhh. (THUD)

 

(Cut back to 'Spectrum' host)

 

Host (Michael Palin): Foam at the mouth and fall over backwards. Is he foaming at the mouth to fall over backwards or falling over backwards to foam at the mouth? Tonight's 'Spectrum' examines the whole question of frothing and falling, coughing and calling, screaming and bawling, walling and stalling, brawling and mauling, falling and hauling, trawling and squalling, and zalling. Zalling. It isn't even a word zalling. If it is what does it mean? If it isn't what does it mean? Perhaps both, maybe neither. What do I mean by the word 'mean'? What do I mean by the word 'word'? What do I mean by 'what do I mean'? What do I mean by 'do' and what do I do by 'mean'? And what do I do by do by do and what do I mean by wasting your time like this? Good night.