The First Man to Jump the Channel / Tunnelling from Godalming to Java
(Cut to the sea. Pan to show
Ron Obvious running along beach.)
Voice Over: There is an epic
quality about the sea which has throughout history stirred the hearts and minds
of Englishmen of all nations. Sir Francis Drake, Captain Webb, Nelson of
Trafalgar and Scott of the Antartic - all rose to the challenge of the mighty
ocean. And today another Englishman may add his name to the golden roll of
history: Mr Ron Obvious of Neaps End. For today, Ron Obvious hopes to be the
first man to jump the Channel.
(Ron runs up to group of
cheering supporters. An interviewer addresses him.)
Interviewer: (John Cleese)
Ron, now let's just get this quite clear - you're intending to jump across the
English Channel?
Ron: (Terry Jones) Oh yes,
that is correct, yes.
Interviewer: And, er, just
how far is that?
Ron: Oh, well it's
twenty-six miles from here to Calais.
Interviewer: Er, that's to
the beach at Calais?
Ron: Well, no, no, provided
I get a good lift off and maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast, I shall
be jumping into the centre of Calais itself.
(Brief shot of group of
Frenchmen with banner.' 'Fin de Cross-Channel jump'.)
Interviewer: Ron are you
using any special techniques to jump this great distance?
Ron: Oh no, no. I shall be
using an ordinary two-footed jump, er, straight up in the air and across the
Channel.
Interviewer: I see. Er, Ron,
what is the furthest distance that you've jumped, er, so far?
Ron: Er, oh, eleven foot six
inches at Motspur Park on July 22nd. Er, but I have done nearly twelve feet
unofficially.
(Ron breaks off to make
training-type movements.)
Interviewer: I see. Er, Ron,
Ron, Ron, aren't you worried Ron, aren't you worried jumping twenty-six miles
across the sea?
Ron: Oh, well no, no, no,
no. It is in fact easier to jump over sea than over dry land.
Interviewer: Well how is
that?
Ron: Er, well my manager
explained it to me. You see if you're five miles out over the English Channel,
with nothing but sea underneath you, er, there is a very great impetus to say
in the air.
Interviewer: I see. Well,
er, thank you very much Ron and the very best of luck.
Ron: Thank you. Thank you.
Interviewer: (to camera) The
man behind Ron's cross-Channel jump is his manager Mr Luigi Vercotti. (turns to
speak to Vercotti, who has a Mafia suit and dark glasses) Mr Vercotti, er Mr
Vercotti ... Mr Vercotti...
Mr Vercotti: (Michael Palin)
What? (mumbles protestations of innocence) I don't know what you're talking
about.
Interviewer: Er, no, we're
from the BBC, Mr Vercotti.
Mr Vercotti: Who?
Interviewer: The BBC.
Mr Vercotti: Oh, oh. I see.
I thought, I thought you were the er . .. I like the police a lot, I've got a
lot of time for them.
Interviewer: Mr, er, Mr
Vercotti, what is your chief task as Ron's manager?
Mr Vercotti: Well my main
task is, er, to fix a sponsor for the big jump.
Interviewer: And who is the
sponsor?
Mr Vercotti: The Chippenham
Brick Company. Ah, they, er, pay all the bills, er, in return for which Ron
will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks.
(We see a passport officer checking
Ron's passport.)
Interviewer: I see. Well,
er, it looks as if Ron is ready now. He's got the bricks. He's had his passport
checked and he's all set to go. And he's off on the first ever cross-Channel
jump. (Ron runs down the beach and jumps; he lands about four feet into the
water) Will Ron be trying the cross-Channel jump again soon?
Mr Vercotti: No. No. I'm
taking him off the jumps, Er, because I've got something lined up for Ron next
week that I think is very much more up his street.
Interviewer: Er, what's
that?
Mr Vercotti: Er, Ron is
going to eat Chichester Cathedral.
(Cut to Chichester
Cathedral. Ron walks up to it, brushing his teeth.)
Interviewer: Well, there he
goes, Ron Obvious of Neaps End, in an attempt which could make him the first
man ever to eat an entire Anglican Cathedral. (Ron takes a hefty bite at a
buttress, screams and clutches his mouth. Cut to countryside: a map, and a
banner saying 'Tunnelling to Java'. Interviewer and Vercotti walk up to map.)
Mr Vercotti: Well, er, I
think, David, this is something which Ron and myself are really keen on. Ron is
going to tunnel from Godalming here to Java here. (indicates inaccurately on
map)
Interviewer: Java.
Mr Vercotti: Yeah, er, I, I
personally think this is going to make Ron a household name overnight.
Interviewer: And how far has
he got?
Mr Vercotti: Er, well, he's
quite far now, Dave, well on the way. Well on the way, yeah.
Interviewer: Well where is
he exactly?
Mr Vercotti: Yeah.
Interviewer: Where?
Mr Vercotti: Oh, er, well,
er, you know, it's difficult to say exactly. He's er, you know, in the area of
er, Ron, how far have you got?
Ron: (emerging from hole) Oh
about two foot six Mr Vercotti.
Mr Vercotti: Yeah well keep
digging lad, keep digging.
Ron: Mr Vercotti are you
sure there isn't a spade?
(Cut to interviewer and
Vercotti by railway track)
Interviewer: Er, Mr
Verccotti, what do you say to people who accuse you of exploiting Ron for your
own purposes?
Mr Vercotti: Well, it's
totally untrue, David. Ever since I left Sicily I've been trying to do the best
for Ron. I know what Ron wants to do, I believe in him and I'm just trying to
create the opportunities for Ron to do the kind of things he wants to do.
Interviewer: And what's he
going to do today?
Mr Vercotti: He's going to
split a railway carriage with his nose. (screams off)
(Cut to a hillside;
Vercotti, interviewer, and in the background a banner: 'Running to Mercury'.)
Mr Vercotti: The only
difficult bit for Ron is getting out of the Earth's atmosphere. Er, once he's
in orbit he'll be able to run straight to Mercury.
(A heavily bandaged Ron
leaps off starting platform: freeze frame. Scream. Cut to a tombstone: 'Ron
Obvious 1941-1969 - very talented', Pull back to show Vercotti.)
Mr Vercotti: I am now
extremely hopeful that Ron will break the world record for remaining underground.
He's a wonderful boy this, he's got this really enormous talent, this really
huge talent.