Hermits

 

 

Colonel: Now, I've noticed a tendency for this program to get rather silly. Now I do my best to keep things moving along, but I'm not having things getting silly. Those last two sketches I did got very silly indeed. And that last one about the beds was even sillier. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do, except perhaps my wife and some of her friends. Oh yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point. Now, let's have a good, clean, healthy outdoor sketch. Get some air into your lungs. Ten, nine, eight and all that... (Cut to two hermits on a hillside.)

 

Colonel: Ahhh yes, that's better. Now let's hope this doesn't get silly.

 

First Hermit: (Michael Palin) Hello, are you a hermit by any chance?

 

Second Hermit: (Eric Idle) Yes that's right. Are you a hermit?

 

First Hermit: Yes, I certainly am.

 

Second Hermit: Well I never. What are you getting away from?

 

First Hermit: Oh you know, the usual - people, chat, gossip, you know.

 

Second Hermit: Oh I certainly do - it was the same with me. I mean there comes a time when you realize there's no good frittering your life away in idleness and trivial chit-chat. Where's your cave?

 

First Hermit: Oh, up the goat track, first on the left.

 

Second Hermit: Oh they're very nice up there, aren't they?

 

First Hermit: Yes they are, I've got a beauty.

 

Second Hermit: A bit drafty though, aren't they?

 

First Hermit: No, we've had ours insulated.

 

Second Hermit: Oh yes.

 

First Hermit: Yes, I used birds' nests, moss and oak leaves round the outside.

 

Second Hermit: Oh, sounds marvellous.

 

First Hermit: Oh it's a treat, it really is, 'cuz otherwise those stone caves can be so grim.

 

Second Hermit: Yes they really can be, can't they? They really can.

 

First Hermit: Oh yes.

 

(Third hermit passes by.)

 

Third Hermit: Morning Frank.

 

Second Hermit: Morning Norman. Talking of moss, er you know Mr. Robinson?

 

First Hermit: With the, er, green loin cloth?

 

Second Hermit: Er no, that's Mr. Seagrave. Mr. Robinson's the hermit who lodges with Mr. Seagrave.

 

First Hermit: Oh I see, yes.

 

Second Hermit: Yes well he's put me onto wattles.

 

First Hermit: Really?

 

Second Hermit: Yes. Swears by them. Yes.

 

(Fourth hermit passes)

 

Fourth Hermit: Morning Frank.

 

Second Hermit: Morning Lionel. Well he says that moss tends to fall off the cave walls during cold weather. You know you might get a really bad spell and half the moss drops off the cave wall, leaving you cold.

 

First Hermit: Oh well, Mr. Robinson's cave's never been exactly nirvana has it?

 

Second Hermit: Well, quite, that's what I mean. Anyway, Mr. Rogers, he's the, er, hermit...

 

First Hermit: ... on the end.

 

Second Hermit: . .. up at the top, yes. Well he tried wattles and he came out in a rash.

 

First Hemit: Really?

 

Second Hermit: Yes, and there's me with half a wall wattled, I mean what'll I do?

 

First Hermit: Well why don't you try birds nests like I've done? Or else, dead bracken.

 

Fifth Hermit: (calling from a distance) Frank!

 

Second Hermit: Yes Han.

 

Fifth Hermit: Can I borrow your goat?

 

Second Hermit: Er, yes that'll be all right. Oh leave me a pint for breakfast will you? ... (to first hermit) You see, you know that is the trouble with living half way up a cliff - you feel so cut off. You know it takes me two hours every morning to get out onto the moors, collect my berries, chastise myself, and two hours back in the evening.

 

First Hermit: Still there's one thing about being a hermit, at least you meet people.

 

Second Hermit: Oh yes, I wouldn't go back to public relations.

 

First Hemit: Oh well, bye for now Frank, must toddle.

 

Colonel: Right, you two hermits, stop that sketch. I think it's silly.

 

Second Hermit: What?

 

Colonel: It's silly.

 

Second Hermit What do you mean, you can't stop it - it's on film.

 

Colonel: That doesn't make any difference to the viewer at home, does it? Come on, get out. Out. Come on out, all of you. Get off, go on, all of you. Go on, move, move. Go on, get out. Come on, get out, move, move.

 

(He shoos them and the film crew off the hillside.)