Buying a Bed

 

 

Husband (Terry Jones): Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.

 

Mr. Lambert (Graham Chapman): Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.

 

Wife (Carol Cleveland): Thank you.

 

Lambert: Mr. Verity!

 

Mr. Verity (Eric Idle): Can I help you, sir?

 

Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds.

 

Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.

 

Husband and Wife: Eight hundred pounds?

 

Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.

 

Husband: I see.

 

Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

 

Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?

 

Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.

 

Husband: I see. And how wide is it?

 

Verity: It's sixty feet wide.

 

Husband: Yes...

 

Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet!

 

Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.

 

Wife: (whispers) Oh.

 

Husband: ...and the length?

 

Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr. Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette?

 

Lambert: Ah. Two foot long.

 

Husband: Two foot long?

 

Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

 

Husband: I see, I'm sorry.

 

Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right?

 

Husband: Yes, I see.

 

Verity: That's without the mattress, of course.

 

Husband: How much is that?

 

Verity: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?

 

Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!

 

Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr. Lambert, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a paper bag over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

 

Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, hm?

 

Lambert: Dog kennels?

 

Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.

 

Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.

 

Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.

 

Lambert (irritated): Yes, second floor.

 

Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr.Verity said that...

 

Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?

 

Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'.

 

(Lambert puts paper bag on his head)

 

Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?

 

Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?

 

Husband: Well, yes, er...

 

Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out!

 

Verity: I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?

 

Husband: But I mean, er...

 

Lambert: (muffled) I'm not!

 

Husband: Oh.

 

Verity: Now I've got to get in to the tea chest and sing.

 

Husband: Oh.

 

Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...

 

Another assistant (John Cleese): (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr.Lambert?

 

Husband: Yes, I did.

 

(Assistant gives nasty look at Husband)

 

Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green...

 

(Assistant joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...

 

(Lambert removes paper bag; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing; assistant leaves.)

 

Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!

 

Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?

 

Lambert (irritated): Yes, pets department, second floor.

 

Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?

 

Lambert: Mattresses?

 

Husband: (relieved) Yes.

 

Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?

 

Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...

 

Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'?

 

Husband: But you put a paper bag over your head last time we said 'mattress'.

 

(Lambert puts the paper bag over his head again)

 

Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...

 

Assistant: (to Husband) We *did* ask! (duet) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...

 

(singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)

 

Yet another assistant (Michael Palin): (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr. Lambert?

 

(Cleese points angrily towards the Husband and Wife)

 

Verity: *Twice*!

 

Other Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Mr. Lambert -- *twice*! (joins in the singing)

 

(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)

 

Verity: It's not working, we need more!

 

(The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the paper bag again and they stop singing)

 

Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you?

 

Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress!

 

(Lambert puts the paper bag over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants all groan and glare accusingly at wife)

 

Wife: But it's my only line!!!