Interview with Arthur "Two-Sheds" Jackson

 

 

Host (Eric Idle): Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two sheds' Jackson. Mr Jackson.

 

Jackson (Terry Jones): Hello.

 

Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...

 

Jackson: Ah yes.

 

Host: 'Two sheds'. How did you come by it?

 

Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me 'Two Sheds'.

 

Host: And do you in fact have two sheds?

 

Jackson: No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me 'Two Sheds'.

 

Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.

 

Jackson: Yes.

 

Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?

 

Jackson (impatient): No!

 

Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet?

 

Jackson: No.

 

Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.

 

Jackson: Ah yes.

 

Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?

 

Jackson (surprised): No!

 

Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?

 

Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed.

 

Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in!

 

Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business -- it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it!

 

Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson, eh?

 

Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.

 

Host (sternly): Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony.

 

Jackson: What?

 

Host: Apprently your symphony was written for tympani and organ....

 

(Picture of a shed appears on the screen behind them)

 

Jackson (turning around): What's that!?!?!???

 

Host (innocently): What's what?

 

Jackson: Its a shed!!...get it off!! get it off!!

 

(Interviewer motions to picture, and it is replaced by a picture of Jackson himself)

 

Jackson: (Grudgingly) All right...Thats better..

 

Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.

 

Jackson: What?

 

Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train-spotting.

 

Jackson: Well what's that got to do with my bloody music?

 

John Cleese (entering): Are you having any trouble with him?

 

Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier.

 

Cleese: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, 'Two Sheds'.

 

Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, 'Two Sheds'. This studio isn't big enough for the three of us!

 

(They throw him out.)

 

Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! (Crash.)

 

Cleese: Get your own Arts programme, you fairy!

 

Host: Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson... Never mind, Timmy.

 

Cleese: Oh Mike, you're such a comfort.