Drue - Let me guess. The boyfriend bailed when the stick turned blue. Leaving his rusted out Camero up on blocks on your lawn, forcing you to drop out of school and rely on your not so reliable alkie mom to watch the little carpet monkey while you wait tables on your high horse, none of which is my problem, hon. It's seriously going to cut into your gratuity. Oh come on, where's your sense of humor? I was kidding. Well, not kidding, actually. More like conducting an experiment. My father who is a world-class cretin says stuff like that to help all the time, and I always think, what an idiot. You know, I mean they're just going to go back in the kitchen and spit in his food. Or worse even.
Joey - Fancy that. Will you excuse me while I go check on your order?
Drue - You would wouldn’t you?
Joey - Would what?
Drue - Spit in my food.
Joey- Or worse even.
Drue - I knew it. You strike me as very much in touch with your dark side. Thank you for your candor.
Joey – Well, my pleasure.
Drue - First day on the job huh?
Joey – Yes.
Drue – And how much do you hate them already?
Joey - Who?
Drue - The superficial snobs. Laying down huge sums for the privilege of frolicking in the presence of other members of their tribe. Creeps.
Joey - Wow cue the violins. You know nothing tugs the heartstrings like the anguished cry of a poor little rich boy.
Drue- Okay weird girl what gives?
Joey - What do you mean?
Drue - First of all, you haven’t let my ice tea get past the halfway mark all afternoon. Second, you’ve been smiling and hovering like some kind of mental patient. And worst of all, you totally dropped that whole snappy sarcasm thing you had working for you yesterday.
Joey - I’m just trying to do my job.
Drue – Yeah, well at least yesterday you were entertaining. Today you’re just creeping me out.
Joey - What just happened in there?
Drue – Hey, could you watch your tone please? I think I just saved your job.
Joey - Who the hell are you?
Drue – Drue. Drue Valentine.
Joey - Mrs. Valentine, that’s your mom?
Drue – Hey, you pick up quick.
Joey - But you said all that horrible stuff about her.
Drue - Which doesn’t make it any less true.
Joey - You lied to me.
Drue - Correction I was playing with you.
Joey - Why?
Drue - It was fun. My mom told me about the new girl. The one who was a friend of the Ross’. I took one look at you and knew that you lied your way into the job. Which I totally dig about you by the way.
Joey - You’re a freak
Drue - Okay all right so I’m not who I said I was. Big deal. Actually, I’m a lot more fun.
Joey - Next time I draw blood.
Drue - It's your own fault. I'm new here, and you're not being very nice to me.
Joey - I'm not trying to be.
Drue - Then again, you don't strike me as very popular, so you can turn around now. You're of no use to me.
Drue - Gene and Roger here have a fantastic energy, but they're sort of all over the place. Now, I for one would love to see them engage in a prepared debate about the merits of the play.
Joey - Would you mind your own business?
Drue - Hello? Hey gorgeous.
Joey - Unacceptable. Hello, gorgeous is it? Hi, yes this is Drue's doctor and he's going to have to get back to you when the syphilis clears up, kay? Ba-bye.
Drue - That was rude.
Drue - It's classic. You're obviously Luke to this Pacey guy's Han Solo. See, you're the stuff of pre-teen daydreams. Cute, smart, non-threatening. Which is great and all, but not for Princess Joey here who's clearly smack dab in the middle of her bad boy phase.
Joey – And where do you fit into this whole scenario, Drue? Jabba the Hutt, I think.
Joey – Mr. Brooks says that there's a storm coming.
Drue - Mr. Brooks lives alone on the edge of town with a three-legged dog named Boo.
Joey – Well have you seen any storm reports?
Drue – No. You'd think those things would impede her ability to use an Uzi.
Drue – Hello? Hey gorgeous. Nah, don’t worry about it. She’s crazy.
Drue – Witter. I knew you couldn't resist a party. I see you brought the Grim Reaper.
Joey - We came for your immortal soul. That is, if you have one.
Drue – There you are Potter. I never got the chance to thank you for ruining my night.
Joey – I think we can probably talk about it another time.
Drue – Sure, sure. How about midnight? Just in time to watch you turn back into a pumpkin.
Drue – How bad do you want to do me bodily harm right now? Later too many witnesses.
Drue – Closed for renovation. You know this free time presents sort of a steak or lobster dilemma. Now do I go cheerleader, or drama club chick tonight? What do you think? Joey – Hmm flip a coin. Heads is bimbo. Tails is skank.
Drue – Where’s the love huh?
Joey – After working with you for the last 6 days, I don’t know. I guess I lost it.
Drue – How do you plan to observe your Sabbath?
Joey – Oh a relaxing little experience known as researching my English term paper.
Drue – Let me guess. “How to keep boyfriend and your virginity.” Or “Many uses of the human hand”
Joey – Finally, a subject you know all about.
Drue – Very good Joey. Very good. See that is what we refer to as a comeback, or a retort. I believe in French its repost.
Drue – You know what your problem is?
Joey – Drue, the only problem I have in my life right now is that I have to be around you. Fortunately, as soon as I put these dishes away, I am on break from my problem.
Joey - Don’t touch me please. It’s creepy enough to be in here with you.
Drue – Fine.
Drue – You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep doing that.
Joey – I’m going to hurt you if you don’t shut up.
Drue – Gonna freshen your face?
Joey – No I’m going to pick the lock.
Drue – With an eyebrow pencil?
Joey – You have a better idea?
Drue – What do I look like McGuyver?
Joey – No he was smart enough not to move a box which was propping open a door.
Drue – Well, you know what, if you had just accepted my help we wouldn’t be here in the first place. Now I know why you’re still a virgin. You have serious trust issues with men. Not to mention some rather dubious grooming habits.
Joey – What do you think you’re doing?
Drue – Taking inventory of our rations. We have my Slim Jim to your two Altoids. We could have a snack and fresh breath.
Joey- If you try to touch me or my stuff one more time, I swear to God I’m going to take this eyebrow pencil and put it through your heart. Am I being clear?
Drue – Crystal.
Joey – Good.
Drue – By the way, you should really try and clean out your brush occasionally.
Drue – If I was the one in here with the sweater, I would share it.
Joey – Let me think about it. No.
Drue – Okay, I want you to know, if something happens to me, you have my permission to pursue whatever indelicate though life sustaining taste just like chicken measures you see fit.
Joey – There’s some cans up there. Maybe we can dig up something to eat.
Drue – You’re going to fall and break your neck at which point I am taking your sweater. I wonder who they’re going to get to play you in the TV version of our ordeal. Probably be some former teen series idol who’s trying to break into features.
Joey – Would you shut up?
Drue – Okay you go right ahead. I’m sure Lacy Chabert can’t wait to cop an attitude and win the Emmy.
Drue – You could have just said thanks.
Joey – Look you’re supposed to…
Drue – Back off.
Joey – I was just trying to help.
Drue – Yeah well if I get any more help from you, I’ll be spending my freshman year of college in traction.
Joey – You know if anyone should be upset it should be me.
Drue – What you tried to kill me.
Joey – You tried to kiss me.
Drue – I saved your life. Okay I was just acting on the moment.
Joey – Yeah well so was I.
Drue – How did a pretty girl like you get so damn mean?
Joey – I‘m not mean.
Drue – Are you kidding? The busboys are terrified of you. They call you El Toro.
Joey – Really? Well, you know, when you’re used to living on your own you learn how to take care of yourself and I guess you develop a little bit of a thick outer shell.
Drue – And a pretty decent right cross. You know, at least your father’s in prison. Spending time with my dad is like being in prison.
Joey – I thought your dad was this wealthy business man who…
Drue - Who seemed like the coolest guy in the world until the day I discovered him fervently studying the Kama Sutra on my mother’s new Mexican tiled kitchen floor with someone who was most definitely not my mother.
Drue – Bless you.
Joey – Just keep your hands where I can see them.
Drue – So where’s your beau this evening. Is he gonna to be frantically checking hospitals for you?
Joey – He’s on a road trip with his sister.
Drue – How do you stay in a relationship with someone who is so different from you?
Joey – We’re not that different.
Drue – Oh please. You’re responsible and reasonable. He’s reckless and rash.
Joey – Yeah, but part of his recklessness is that he’s constantly surprising me. And part of his rashness is that he’s intensely passionate. Those differences are important. They make for a richer relationship.
Drue – Maybe in high school. But last I heard Harvard wasn’t admitting the rash boyfriends of candidates just to keep the world’s cutest couple together.
Joey – How would you like a broken nose to go along with that black eye?
Drue – Lighten up.
Joey – I thought it was just a nightmare.
Drue – Good morning to you too.
Joey – Did you actually sleep?
Drue – I couldn’t. Someone was sawing some serious lumber.
Joey – I do not snore.
Drue – Could have laid waste to an entire national forest.
Joey – I’m surprised I could even sleep. You aware of the 24-hour antiperspirant? What’s that buzzing?
Drue – What’s what buzzing?
Joey – There’s something buzzing.
Drue – Go back to sleep. You’re dreaming.
Joey – It’s in your pocket. What is that?
Drue – Hey. I’d like dinner and a movie before we get to that.
Joey – You’ve had this in your pocket the whole time?
Drue – Oh yeah. I forgot.
Joey – Hello? Yes, we’re in the basement storage room. You can talk to him when you get down here. What’s left of him.
Drue – We’re saved.
Joey – You orchestrated this whole thing.
Drue – Now why would I want to do something like that?
Joey – Because you’re a sick, twisted, pathological little pervert.
Drue – Do you really think I would go through all this trouble just to have you fall asleep on my shoulder?
Joey – Well, how do I know what you were doing while I was sleeping.
Drue – I resent that. I was a complete gentleman. I absolutely did not peek down your shirt at your eggshell colored 34C Maiden form wire rim bra with the little cute little pink bow on the front clasp.
Joey - I’ll see you at school Drue.
Drue - Relax. Potter here knows about as much about make up as I do. Besides no one’s had quite the heart to tell her the natural look went out before she was born.
Joey – Oh Poor me.
Drue – Just hit the ball already. At this rate we’re going to be here all night.
Joey – We’ll it’s a date. We’re supposed to be here all night.
Drue: What exactly is your problem with mobile technology?
Joey – It’s irritating like you. You are on a date. And unless you want a repeat of the bodily damage I did to you in the storage room you’ll start being nice to her.
Drue - I get it. You’d like me to be a little more like Pacey.
Joey - Well now that you mention it, it definitely wouldn’t hurt.
Joey – Drue, I think it’s time we talk about the baby. I think you need to take responsibility and marry me.
Drue – You know, everyone here thinks you’re so sweet, but I know better. You’re really a minion from the deep sent here to make my life a living hell.
Joey – That would be too good for you. But you can try to explain to me how you can sleep with her and then treat her like that. Have you no capacity for human kindness.
Drue – Very little.
Joey – How does someone like you end up so…
Drue – Damaged?
Joey – Completely.
Drue – Just lucky I guess.
Joey – You have this whole witty Drue routine you do, but it’s just a front for some really scared kid who’s desperate for people to love him and desperately trying to keep any sort of intimacy away.
Drue – How insightful.
Joey: It doesn’t take a PHD to interpret your behavior. Classic first grade. And you know what? Keep acting like this and your worst fear is going to come true. You’re going to walk through life alone.
Drue – I’m not really good with girls. I’m actually incredibly bad with them.
Joey – How come?
Drue – My guess? Spending my formative years in all boys institutions. Pretty much all I know how to do is pick on women, or sleep with them. I was never around them much longer to get good at doing anything else.
Joey – You’re doing something else right now? I mean you’re being honest and real. You should work on that.
Drue – Okay now how’s this a fair fight? What do you want me to do? Hit her back. She’s a girl.
Joey – Sucks doesn’t it? One of the few cultural advantages of being female.
Drue – Oh and why don’t you tell him about the dimpled chads for him and some Miss Jacobs chick. Whoa Hey Chill. You have no sense of humor about this? I mean personally I think it’s kinda funny that a majority of our classmates still care so much after all this time. I mean, you and Dawson went out for what about as long as the Spike Girls were popular.
Joey – Please majority my ass Drue. It’s obvious you rigged this thing.
Drue – Oh okay I see. Did you vote?
Joey – Did I vote? No of course not. Most popular, best looking, who cares?
Drue – Obviously you do.
Joey – You know what? This isn’t a joke. This is my life okay? And Dawson and I are not a couple. We’re not anything resembling a couple. We’re just friends. You know what? It’s taken us a long time to get back to that place, and I refuse to let you hurt him or Pacey by dredging up the past. So I suggest that you fix this…
Drue – Oh look there’s your friend Dawson.
Dawson - Okay, sex with Drue or work at the yacht club for the rest of your life?
Joey - Oh, sex with Drue, easy.
Dawson - Joey!
Joey - C’mon, he’s vaguely cute once you get past that whole sociopath thing.
Excerpt from week 2 of Joey's diary
And speaking of unlikely friends...I ran into Drue this morning at the Yacht Club.
Excerpts from week 3 of Joey's diary
There I was, in the B&B at midnight on a hot summer night with an attractive, if somewhat diabolical boy, and we are discussing applications of the Pythgorean thereom.
But this story isn't about Pacey. It's about Drue. I don't know why I was helping him out - I mean, it's not like I owe Drue Valentine any favors. But he just seemed so pathetic...and I don't really have anything better to do. So Drue crashed in one of the extras rooms at the B&B...