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All By Myself
by Kirke
Series/Sequel: prequel to Finally
Rated: R
Spoilers: The One Where Joey Moves Out and The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies. Set right after The One Where Eddie Moves In.
Summary: Chandler realizes his feelings toward Joey.
Disclaimer: "Friends" belong to the people they belong to and it's not me (*g* now that's shocking ). I'm just fooling around.
Note: Thank you all for encouraging me to do it. Thx to El, who as always did the worst job and betaed. No Chandlers were harmed while writing this story.
Chandler sat down on the windowsill and looked outside. It was raining. Nothing unusual at this time of year. So why did he feel so blue?
Oh yes, Joey left him. Ouch, sorry. *Moved out*. Not a big deal. It wasn't like they were married or anything. Besides, his new apartment was just a few blocks away, not in Mexico City.
Chandler sighed heavily. Who was he kidding, it *was* a big deal. For him, at least, although it looked like Joey didn't care much. How could he do this to him? They were buddies, friends, amigos, they lived together for almost two years and - first, he just moved out, second, he had enough money to do so.
Chandler felt betrayed and lonely. Sure, he had Eddie now, but, to tell the truth, that guy freaked him out a little. How could anyone not like foosball or 'Baywatch'?
Strange, strange man.
Joey was strange, too, of course, but in such a different way. Chandler knew that without him it just wouldn't be the same.
He sighed again and looked through the window. The street below was practically empty. Just like his heart.
OK. From what tree did *that* thought fall?
He shook his head in disbelief. He really needed to get out more often. It wasn't the end of the world, just the beginning of a new chapter, a non-Joey one. He needed to stop feeling sorry for himself and move on.
Maybe it was only for the better. Chandler smiled slowly, almost shyly. Without Joey, life would be so much simpler. No more pizza under the shower or books in the freezer, and his toothbrush would finally be *only* a toothbrush and nothing more (he refused to think what that 'more' was).
Sure, he would be miserable, miss Joey and wish for him to come back like that for few more weeks, but sooner or later he would forget about this.
Chandler's smile faded. It was easy for him to lie to others but to himself it was practically impossible. His 'inner-self' knew, and living without Joey would be hell. They would see each other often but it was like comparing Yanni to Sting - *nothing* to compare. For all those years Joey had practically become Chandler's other half, and now that half had been brutally cut off. Wounds like that needed a lot of time to heal.
Chandler rolled his eyes a little. He was sounding like a teenage girl after being dumped by her first boyfriend. A little more sappiness and he would start to sing 'All by Myself'.
But he couldn't help it. He loved Joey and wanted him to come back, even for the price of his sanity.
Realization of what he had just thought hit him with the force of a bullet. He took a deep, calming breath trying to dismiss that ridiculous idea, but it came back.
Chandler stood up rapidly and started pacing his room nervously. Yes, he loved Joey but like a brother, a friend, not *that* way. It wasn't *that* way. True, he wanted him but it was the body he craved, not the essence.
Chandler could feel panic building, so he hugged himself tightly, trying to calm the tremors that were now running through his body. He was desperately fighting for control. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Lust was something he could control, justify; he just was like that. Simple. But love?
And now one man, one thought, one feeling, and everything he had built with so much effort was falling apart. Chandler couldn't believe it. He had managed to survive almost twenty years; through his parents' divorce, school, college and even that night after Heckles' death when he and Joey...
Nonononononononono.
Chandler�s legs couldn't support him anymore. Within a few seconds he found himself kneeling on the floor without the power to stand up. Even so, he found enough strength to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat and blink away the unshed tears.
Why now? Didn't he have enough worries? Memories of having sex with a guy you just realized you're in love with and would never have again weren't the best therapy. Why couldn't he just forget - pretend that it had never happened? Joey did. Chandler had enough trouble dealing with them normally and now...
In spite of common sense his thoughts were drawn in that direction. Maybe... maybe just this one time it would help him if he remembered. Maybe it wouldn't hurt *that* much.
He slowly lifted himself from the floor and sat down on the bed. His body was still shaking and he had to call for all his strength not to start sobbing.
Lying down, he slowly closed his eyes, trying to recall every detail again. It was a very easy but rare thing. Normally he would have kicked himself for even going there, but not tonight. Tonight he needed comfort like never before in his life and he would get it, even if that meant suffering after.
He remembered well, like it was a day before, not half a year. It was so real he could almost feel Joey's soft lips on his own, kissing him with a passion he'd never imagined possible. That memory still sent shivers through his body.
Joey's soothing words were working even now.
/Don't cry, it's going to be okay. You're a great guy, you won't turn into Heckles./
When Chandler was drifting to sleep that night he had really believed him, and he decided to do that now too. He stayed in that 'dream state' for almost an hour, playing those memories in his head over and over again. Every time they'd reach the end he just started from the beginning.
It was really working; he felt less tense, relaxed almost. All he had to do was not allow himself the knowledge that it was a one-time thing that would never be repeated.
And forget that 'the morning after' ever came.
*That* was a very unnecessary thought. Tears started to run down his face, just like then, making his pillow damp. But this time there was no Joey who would chase them away. This time it was Joey who was the main reason for Chandler's little breakdown.
It wasn't the knowledge that he was the one that ended this that made him so depressed. No, he knew that he didn't have any other options. For Joey it was just pure sex, a physical act, something he'd done to make his friend feel better. If Chandler hadn't stopped it the minute it started he wouldn't have had enough power later. He would've wanted more and more till one day he would�ve found himself with a broken heart.
Like that didn't happen anyway.
Chandler clenched his teeth tightly to prevent himself from sobbing. Walls were thin, and Eddie bursting into his room was the last thing he needed now.
He felt miserable again. That was why he never thought about it. Guilt, that he allowed himself to lose control and let Joey 'comfort' him, was always very powerful. Even thinking about that made him weak and soft. He was sure that if Joey came to his room in that moment he would jump his bones without thinking.
That helped him make a final decision. No more mental trips to the 'comfort zone'. Not now; not ever. That chapter of his life was permamently over. If he ever needed to feel better, he would get drunk.
Now he understood that Joey's move was a blessing. He didn't know what he would he do if it was his friend who occupied the next room. He would probably lose his mind trying to pretend that everything was OK, or he would go in there, beg him for sex and *then* lose his mind.
Perfect.
So maybe someone Up There liked him after all. Joey's absence meant that he wouldn't be spending nights imagining what would happen if he stood up and went to him. He wouldn't have to hide and pretend 24/7. Maybe he'd even find enough strength to mend the pieces of his broken heart.
He smiled through the tears. He would survive. He would move on.
No more Joey... never again.
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