| If Noah had lived in the United States in the year 2000, his story may > > have gone something like this... > > > > And the Lord spoke to Noah, and said, "In one year, I am going to make it > > rain and the rain shall not stop until it submerges the entire earth and > > all living flesh is destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save the > > righteous people and two of every living species on earth. > > Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." > > > > In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. > > > > Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's wishes, Noah took the > > plans and agreed to build the ark. > > > > "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and fill it in one > > years time." > > > > Exactly a year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the > > seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting > > in his front yard weeping. > > > > "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" > > > > "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were > > big problems. ... First, I had to get a permit for construction, and > > your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering > > firm and redraw the plans. > > > > Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a > > sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. > > > > Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by > > building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the > > city planning commission. > > > > Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a > > ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the > > U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. > > > > However the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. > > > > The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a > > settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would > > pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still > > no owls. > > > > When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group > > sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This > > suit is pending. > > > > Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without > > filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. > > They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction > > over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. > > > > Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood > > plain. > > I sent them a globe. > > > > Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal > > Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by > > not taking atheists aboard. > > > > The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in > > preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a > > notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed > > to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. > > > > And, finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against > > further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the > > earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. > > > > I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six > > years." > > > > Noah waited. > > > > The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to > > calm. A rainbow arced across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You > > mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" > > > > "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." |