Decent into Darkness: The first edition of the Matt letters

Hey Y'All!  What's going on in your crib? Seeing as this is my first column, I'll talk a bit about myself.  I'm Matt, a good friend of Joel's.  My intrests include video games, playing bass guitar and trombone, and, of course, throwing kittens off buildings to see if they land on there feet.  I also enjoy reading Stephen King novels, listening to "Weird" Al Yankovic and Metallica, and being a being of pure lethal and utterly destructive energy.  Okay, enough about me, on to my bitching and whining!

Okay, the first thing I'm going to bitch about today is this whole fucking "WAZZUP!!" thing.  Why the fuck do we need this?  There are few things more annoying than boy bands, but this is definately one of them.  All you people who say this: Stop. Now. Or I will TEAR OUT YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS WITH A RUSTY SPOON AND THEN SHOVE THEM AS FAR UP  YOUR ASS AS THEY WILL GO! Got the message? Good.  Oh, by the way, if any of y'all want to join my jihad (holy war) against this spawn of Satan, leave a message about it on this page's message board and I will add you to the list of my samurai foot soldiers that I will lead on a massive attack on the person who created this fucking piece of shit plague.

Now, on to target number two.  This is a very common target of mine , so I will break this up into a couple of  columns.  BOY BANDS MUST DIE! The number one target of my boy band hit list is the backstreet boys. This bunch of musically challeneged freaks from the bowels of Hell (or Orlando. . . I'm not sure which is worse at this point) who act like they actually have musical talent, when in reality, my pet turtle has more musical talent in his far left claw of his back left foot than all 5 of them combined, squared, and multiplied by 87.88934!! And my turtle can't even sing (he can talk, but only I can hear him)!  If I got my hands on any of these twisted mother fuckers, the cops would have no idea what was going on. "Well, we found one of the backstreet boys with his tiny balls cut off and shoved down his throat, and with a fake wang up his ass. What kind of a sick person would do this ?" Me, apparently. For I will destroy them or die trying.  If you wish to join this crusade as well, just post a message in this page's message board.

That's all for now.  Talk to you whenever I feel like doing it again.  See Ya! .