by Joseph Anderson
[email protected]

James Bond is owned and copyrighted, and it isn't by me. No copyright infringement is intended with this fanfiction which may not be sold, may be copied for personal use only, and must contain all notices of copyright.

The imposing Microsoft building towered overhead. James Bond dressed in black knit cap, sweater, and pants, looked around then just leapt and seemed to begin actually running up the side of the glass and concrete monolith. He'd have to compliment Q, he thought, as his specially treated shoes did not even seem to stick. He hurried, knowing what was at stake. Finally above the 150th floor he reached the penthouse. There was a huge black plate-glass window. Bond wasn't a religious man but he prayed as well as he knew how and took the machine pistol from his shoulder holster. He missed his Walther PPK, let alone his old Beretta, but this was no time to be sentimental. James Bond attached a line with a small grappling hook to the roof, swung widely out over the street far below, and crashed through the window, already firing the machine pistol.

There were at least fifteen men and women in the room, though they were hard to tell apart they were so sexless. Most wore ill fitting clothes and many were overweight. Several had Tomb Raider or Babylon-5 T-shirts. Almost all wore glasses. They were the Committee; the secret world government; the most powerful people in the world--their combined wealth and power beyond comprehension.

"Gee whiz!" one cried as he put his hands over his pasty white face and bullets tore through his Gillian Anderson wristwatch, making his pimpled forehead explode in blood.

Bond gritted his teeth. He was no butcher but there was no other way; the evil had to be stopped--and he had a license to kill. A tall woman (he thought) with a Xena T-shirt who must've weighed 300 pounds was staring at him with slack mouth open. She unconsciously picked her nose and was just putting her finger in her mouth when the bullets tore into her. There was no immediate effect; Bond remembered Oddjob. He fired again and she took a step toward him. He shot again and she fell to her knees--007 grimaced at the tight orange shorts she was wearing and the jiggling of her thighs. Before she fell she flung her finger at him and Bond ducked as the booger tore through the steel and concrete reinforced wall behind him.

"I'll miss Highlander!!" a tiny Oriental screamed as he died in a hail of bullets. James Bond continued the slaughter as the evil computer nerds awkwardly tripped over each other attempting to get away. Finally it was silent and 007 felt sick. He'd never done anything like this. There was no choice but he said to himself this was it. Never again. He was through. The tall dark agent moved among the bodies carefully. He prayed again as he shot any dork that was still twitching.

Bond was also carefully searching. He wasn't here! IT wasn't here! Her Majesty's secret agent automatically reloaded his weapon and coolly studied the bullet riddled room. He would have to be here for this meetinig--unless...

Bond noticed that a corner of the room didn't seem to be splattered with blood as everywhere else was. He pointed the machine pistol and opened fire. He heard laughter.

"Very good, Mr. Bond!"

The corner seemed to have an unstable appearance momentarily and then appeared with blood and bullet holes and a figure smiling at him. Bond knew it was no use but put another clip in his weapon and emptied the machine pistol at the chinless figure with a bad haircut in front of him. The bullets seemed to disintegrate in the air.

"Do you like my force field? We were going to package it with Windows 98 but decided to keep it as a separate ap and just bundled a new spell checker instead."

"Gates!" Bond spat with disgust and looked around at the slaughter he had committed. "You planned this all along. I just disposed of them for you!"

Bill Gates smiled easily. "Don't feel bad. They deserved it. They lacked vision...I had to drag them kicking and screaming away from Pong." He looked down at his clothes and said, "At least I can abandon this charade. That's something else I owe you, Mr. Bond." His tasteless clothes and bad haircut disappeared, replaced by an Armani suit, an earring and a dyed blonde crewcut. James Bond could tell he'd had work done too and had more chin.

"Very nice, Gates," Bond said. "But you're still just one of them," he said contemptuously and indicated the slaughtered nerds.

"Is that so?" Bill Gates said. He tapped his platinum Rolex and a secret door opened. A beautiful blonde woman walked in, carrying a tray of drinks. "I think you know Kim Bassinger."

The blonde carried the tray to Gates and, smirking at James Bond, he took his Shirley Temple. The voluptuous sexy movie star brought the tray over to Bond. As he took his vodka martini--shaken not stirred--she whispered to him "This little whack-off has Alec's contract. I'm in his power! He makes me watch Jeopardy with him!" Kim Bassinger shuddered but tried not to let Bill Gates see it. She frantically whispered again, "He's got cooties! Please, help me!" She walked away, smiling seductively at Gates as she disappeared.

"Well...who's the nerd now?" Bill Gates said. Suddenly he sneezed and had snot all over his hand. He reached for his handkerchief and in the process smeared it over his Armani jacket and shirt. As he tried to wipe it off he stepped back and tripped over a waste basket and loudly fell, farting as he did so.

Getting back up he squinted at Bond, since his contacts had popped out, and said furiously. "You're dead, 007! You and all your race-car-driving, knowing-how-to-dance kind! The world belongs to me and you can't stop it!" He felt his way to a desk and reaching inside came out with some thick old-looking glasses held together with tape. He put them on and his eyes looked huge behind them.

The handsome lethal secret agent looked at the Chairman of Microsoft. "I shouldn't feel this way, but I pity you, Gates. You're a genius but you spend your life pretending to be like me. Why should you? I'm not a genius . I'm just a working man, when you get down to it. Maybe it's not your fault. Maybe it's this sick culture."

Gates bared his teeth. "You just made a big mistake! I was only going to kill you. But you pity me. ME! Bill Gates! Kim Bassinger isn't the only hot chick who watches Jeopardy with me...oh no!...so do Sarah Jessica Parker and Angela Lansbury! Fifty-one billion dollars, Bond...And YOU pity ME! You'll die slowly, 007...very slowly!" As he was speaking he was leaning forward over his desk. His right hand slipped and his face crashed down.

As Gates was repairing his glasses with more tape, armed men appeared and disarmed Bond and roughly took him away. He caught a glimpse of Kim Bassinger looking at him through a briefly opened secret passage. James Bond knew that look and suddenly realized nothing was what it had seemed. Bond shook his head pityingly as he was led away: Alec Baldwin was dead meat. It was just a matter of time...he was a lucky B movie actor whose luck ran out when the beautiful star saw him as a good stooge. Kim Bassinger was playing Bill Gates, just like she'd played the Baldwin brothers (all of 'em though Alec was the only who didn't know that), Jesse Helms, Hillary Clinton, and Saddam Hussein. Bond frowned, knowing he faced a far more dangerous opponent than he had anticipated.

Probably not TO BE CONTINUED.....