Soft

by juliatheyounger

 

She found me. I was on my way home. Or at least I thought I was. Somehow though I ended up at the University end of town. Place I tend to steer clear of since the Initiative business a couple of years ago. I know they're gone, but you never can be too careful. I'd been out, at the Bronze, I think. Having a couple of quiet drinks. Trying not to think about Buffy. Trying not to think about that night again. Trying to stop myself from going and begging her for something, anything. So I did drink a bit. Anyway, there I was, making my way home, when suddenly she's there. Touching my arm, saying, "Spike?" in that tentative way of hers. As if she ain't got no right to speak or some bollocks. I understand that, but I ain't going to tell you why.

And I told her I was fine. Just on my way home. That's what I thought I was saying anyway. And then, just to prove it, I threw up. Her hands were on my shoulders, rubbing them, just so. It was…nice, comforting. Haven't had comforting in so long.

She took me back to her place. And sat me down and gave me some hot chocolate. Even though I kept telling her I was fine. She felt so…soft, as she helped me stand, helped me walk. Reminded me of Joyce a bit, the kindness.

So I'm sitting at her table with her, drinking hot chocolate. I must be really drunk though, cause when she asks if I want to talk about it, I do.

**********

I sit and listen to Spike tell me that he had slept with Buffy. It was kind of a shock, but not really. I sort of thought it might happen, eventually. Spike is so in love with her. I think Buffy needed that. Needed something to make her feel. He tells me about how they slept together, then he tells me what happened after. I suppose Buffy is still scared, confused. She's had a lot of trauma lately. Still, it must have hurt Spike, what she said. He's really drunk, and he tells me everything. I realise, as I sit and listen, that he has no one to tell this to. That he's been bottling this hurt up for so long.

And then when he grows quiet, for some reason, I tell him about Willow. About how she has changed so much. About how I couldn't relate to her anymore. About how apart we've grown. About how much I miss her, how much I want to help, but how I just feel she's pulled away. And how I can't trust her, as she is now. How magic seems to be all she cares about. About how I feel controlled.

Spike looks at me like he actually cares.

"I get it," he says. "It's like the Slayer. They're both so wrapped up in themselves, in their problems that they don't care that they're shutting people out."

I smile at him. It's so good to be able to talk to someone about this. Even if they are a drunk, vampire someone.

"Got anymore of that hot chocolate love?" he asks.

***********

We talk for hours. Funny that. Considering Tara's the quietest one of the lot of them. But we do. And it's good conversation, both of us agreeing, both of us relating. Haven't had that for so long. And I never noticed before how strong she is underneath that softness. Strong inside. Good too. Good strength. Glinda the good witch is Tara.

She's upset about Red. Can understand that. Can see how much Red means to her. Can understand why Tara left though. I've had people fiddle with my brain, fix my behaviour. If someone I loved did that to me, it would take a lot to make it right.

And she gets me about Buffy. She don't tell me its wrong or disgusting. She believes that I love Buffy, that I would be good to her. That Buffy's happiness matters, but that I can't put up with being pushed aside one minute, needed another.

I never noticed how pretty Tara was before. Womanly. Soft and womanly. Must be drunk. But she is. Pretty. Soft lips.

*************

He sleeps on my floor that night. I haven't got a couch, not in my dorm room. I'm lucky not to have a roomie. But it's ok. I watch him as he sleeps and it occurs to me how beautiful he actually is. He looks innocent asleep.

He's still there when I return from class the next day. I wonder if he'll be the same as he was last night. Because now he's sober, he might be the rude Spike who barely speaks to me again. Except, I do remember, when I was…away…he was kind when I hurt his hand. I remember that. And I remember when he punched me just to prove I was human, and got a headache for it. I didn't appreciate that much at the time, but I do now.

He is awake and he looks at me curiously.

"Sorry love, just waiting for the sun to go down, then I'll get out of your hair."

I tell him it's ok, that it's no problem. He nods. And he looks around. I get the feeling he's embarrassed.

I ask him if he's hungry. I have no blood for him, but I can make him something to eat.

He shakes his head, but then asks if he can have another hot chocolate.

"How was today?" he asks, and I realise that he wants to keep talking with me, the way we were last night. I tell him about my classes and he actually knows what I'm talking about - about the subjects and about the fact that Willow is sitting five seats away and I can't look at her.

Then when the sunsets, he gets up, looking a bit embarrassed.

"Thanks," he says. Nods. Then goes.

************

Neither of us do the Scooby meeting thing now, Tara or myself. We're both on the outside. I know I could saunter in and they'd find work for me to do, but I don't, because Buffy'd be there and I would have to pretend not to want to fuck her senseless. Have to pretend it didn't hurt. So, two nights later, I'm feeling a bit…bored, and I find myself at Glinda's door.

She lets me in and almost seems pleased to see me. She looks kind. I sit for a while not saying much, then I ask her if she's seen Dawn lately. She has and we talk about Lil' Bit. We sit for a bit more and then she tells me about her day.

**********

He sits for a while, talking about not much, then stands up and leaves almost as quickly as he came. It happens again, every second night or so, for the next week. Spike shows up, we sit for a bit, talk, then he goes.

The second week he doesn't come for four nights. I am a bit disappointed. I was beginning to like his visits. It was someone to talk with, share with. And the weird thing is, he's nice. Always nice. Always polite.

On the fourth night he does come. He's quieter then usual, just sits there, and I'm thinking he must be bored with talking to me now.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere he asks.

"Tara, you ever been with a man?"

I blush.

"Sorry pet, you don't have to answer that." He looks down, as if he's angry at himself.

"No," I say. "I haven't."

************

I didn't go to see her for four days. Because, you see, the thing is. I want to kiss her. Want to kiss those soft lips and touch that soft skin. Have those soft arms around me. That's what I want. And yes, I know, she's gay, she don't like men. And she loves Red. And I love Buffy. But I still want to. Want to drown in her. Her instead of Buffy. Because Tara is lovely, nice and kind. And if I could choose who I loved me, it would be her. But I want to kiss her.

So I don't go and see her. Because every night I have seen her, I've ended up wanting to kiss her. So I leave.

I can't stay away forever though. Because I like being with her. And I like talking to her.

Bloody hell, got to try not to fuck that up.

So I stay away for four days. Then I have to go back.

*************

He half laughs.

"Spose you don't want to then," he says. "Not something you're interested in."

I shake my head. "Um, I just…well, I hadn't…b-been with anyone before Willow." I blush at my stuttering. "I've never been interested in b-boys." And why don't I just say, no, I'm not interested?

He looks down again, into his cup of hot chocolate.

"Yeah, well, men are bloody ugly, I'll give you that."

"Y-you're pretty." And I can't believe I said that. I blush, but he's not looking at me.

He snorts. Then looks up and he scares me a little. He's so pale and his eyes are…soft, dark.

"Pet, I'm gonna ask you something, and if you don't want to, I won't mention it again, and I want you to forget I ever asked."

"W-what, what is it?"

************

I hate that I've made her stutter. She hasn't stuttered, ever, when we were talking.

"Do you promise me love, that you'll forget I asked?" I say.

She nods and I swallow hard.

"Can I go down on you?"

She doesn't answer. She just keeps looking down, not looking at me, and even her ears are blushing.

I get up. Time to go. Fucked that up mate.

"Why?" she says just as I stand.

I stop.

"Because," I say. "Because I want to taste you. Because…you're beautiful." Because she's beautiful and soft and I want to kiss her. And taste her. Yes, I want to taste her. Enfold myself in her softness.

*************

The sparks that have run through my stomach at his question ignite further. I dare to look up and see him watching me carefully.

"Just go down on you," he says. "Nothing else."

I blush more. I find it hard to believe, except never, in our talks has he lied to me. And I can sense he is sincere. And two weeks ago, or even one, if he'd asked, I would not even be considering this.

He wants to…pleasure me. It occurs to me that he's a man. That the thought of him sexually shouldn't be interesting. But for the first time, this at least, is interesting. I could pretend he was a woman. I could pretend he was Willow.

He seemed to guess my thoughts.

"Pretend I'm someone else," he says softly.

I blush.

"Wait," I say. "I just…need to-" I indicate the bathroom. I try not to think about what I've just agreed to.

He nods and the pleased look on his face…helps.

*************

She sits on her bed nervously. I kneel before her.

"Close your eyes," I murmur and she does. Good girl. I lift her voluminous skirt. It reminds me of Dru. Of long skirts and long forgotten moments. Her legs are pale. Pale and soft. I run my hands over them and find her legs silky to the knee then covered in soft hairs on her thighs where she doesn't shave. I run my hands over her legs. They feel so nice. So soft.

I lift her skirt higher. And immediately smell her arousal. It makes me hard but I ignore that. She's still wearing her knickers. White, cotton, damp. She lies back and I slide them off as she lifts her hips for me. I hear her heartbeat a little too fast, can hear her breath grow heavier.

Part of me thinks I should pretend this is the Slayer, but another part of me doesn't want to. I wonder if Tara is thinking I'm Willow.

She's soft. Her curls are soft and I sink between soft thighs. She is delicious. She tastes…sweet, salty. She makes tiny little moaning sounds.

*************

I shut my eyes and imagine Willow is here, except I can't. I can't stop thinking it's Spike between my legs. His breath and tongue are cool. And my god, his tongue, it's…long. And the things he does.

I know I shouldn't be doing this. I know that. I know there are so many reasons why this is wrong. But I am, and…it feels good. So good.

*************

I bury my face in her softness, in her sweetness until all her shudders stop and still I keep licking, delving my tongue into her. Finally I stop and sit back on my heels. She lies back on the bed, still gasping. Then she laughs, a very womanly laugh. Not girlish, not shy, womanly, knowing. She sits up, smiling, a light in her eyes.

"What?" I ask, half frowning, half grinning at her expression. I wipe my face absently.

"You," she said. "I could never even imagine this would happen."

I smirk.

"Love, are you trying to tell me you didn’t think I'd be fantastic at cunnilingus?" I grin.

She laughs that wonderful laugh again. "I never thought about you and…and that. That's why it's funny."

"You liked it then pet?"

She blushes but nods. The pushes her skirt down and looks around for her knickers.

And even though I'm hard as a rock, I can wait, because this is enough.

**************

I look at Spike, kneeling in front of me still. I wonder if I should…I mean, I've never before…Would it be rude not to? He said he only wanted to go down on me. Nothing else. Maybe its something he needed to do, to deal with his problems with Buffy. Maybe that's why he did it. To prove he could give pleasure. I'm not sure. It felt wonderful. I could offer. I turn red again at the thought.

"Uh, I probably should go now love," he says. He gets to his feet.

I should offer, but it seems too late now. The moment has past.

"Uh, o-ok, um, " I say. "Do, do you want some, some hot chocolate or anything?"
He shakes his head.

"Thanks love…I'll see you tomorrow?"

I nod. "Ok."

He grabs his coat.

"Uh, thanks," I say. "For…um, you know…"

He grins.

"For letting me have my disgustin' perverted way with you?"

"It was nice," I say.

"Ta love." He says and kisses me quickly on the cheek. And he goes.

**************

I toss off as soon as I get home. I can still taste her. Still hear her soft little moans and gasps. Still hear that laugh, that lovely laugh. Like I actually made her happy.

And not being told I was dirt - that was nice.

************

I smile as I climb into bed. My body still tingles from what he did. Or maybe it's from thinking about what he did.

I think about why he did it until I'm almost asleep, then I realise that I'm wondering whether he wants to do it again.

I tell myself it's just a one time thing, something he needed to do. And try to go to sleep.

I'm in a good mood the next day and I find myself thinking about seeing Spike again tonight. The day gets more and more awful as it progresses though. I forget things, lose things. Then I see Willow in my last class. It's awkward. I miss her so much, but I can't be with her, not like this. I get home, wishing Spike had a telephone so I could call him and talk to him about it. He doesn't so I have to wait until he gets here tonight.

I think he's decided not to come though, when it gets to nine and he hasn't arrived yet.

***********

I get to Tara's later then normal.

"Hello," she says.

"Hello," I say.

"Hot chocolate?" she asks.

I sit down and tell her that I saw Buffy today. I tell her how we ended up saying stuff to each other that shouldn't have been said. It's a relief to be able to talk about it. And I can see Buffy's side a bit now, but I don’t feel so bad 'bout what I said either.

***********

I tell Spike about seeing Willow in class today. We talk for a long time. Suddenly I realise Spike is looking at me. I get an unfamiliar tingle in my stomach.

"Do, do you want to do that thing again?" he asks, looking down, glancing up at me.

"Uh, wh-what thing, the um-"

"Want me to go down on you again?"

And he seems to really want to. And the idea…well there's some sexual tension from seeing Willow that needs to be released.

"Ok," I say.

***********

Tara comes out of the bathroom and sits on the bed. She smells like peach blossoms. I run my hands over her skirt, then lift it.

"Close your eyes," I say again. And she lies back on the bed while I worship her. This time she lifts her hips up to meet me. It's easy to tell what she likes, the little moans and mewls and the slight movement of her hips when she likes what I'm doing. Makes me grateful for a hundred years of experience with Drusilla as a teacher. Dru's wants and needs changed by the minute. Helps to be able to keep up.

************

I cry out as I orgasm. This one was even better than last time. I feel Spike sit back, but I can't move for a moment yet. Boneless, he made me boneless.

"Nice, that was… nice," I manage, sitting up.

*************

I chuckle.

"Thanks pet," I say.

She's beautiful after her orgasm. Her face is flushed and her eyes wide and dark. I'm hard enough already as is. Should think about getting home. She straightens her skirt again. And she makes it seem ok, that this was the most natural thing to do.

************

I look at Spike sitting on the floor in front of me. His eyes are that soft-dark again. I glance at his crotch. Oh. I wonder again if I should offer. I mean, just to um, help. I could offer.

I slip off the bed and kneel beside him.

"Um, Spike?" I ask.

"Yes pet?" and I notice that he gets a little…trembly as I move closer.

"Would you like…" I look at his groin. "I - I mean, I've never done anything before-"

"No, no love," he says. But I notice the bulge get perceptibly larger.

"I don't mind. Just, I mean, can I touch you?"

He groans. "Bloody hell, love, course you can touch me. I just…don't do anything you don't want to do. I mean it. I didn't do that for returned favours."

I nod. I know. Which is why I unbutton his fly.

He's um, big. He shudders as my fingers brush against him.

"Pet? Do you have tissues or a towel or something?"

Oh. Of course. I get some tissues and Spike sits back. I kneel between his thighs and take him in my hand. It feels, smooth. It looks ok, ugly, and a little bit scary. It's so hard. And big. Hard but silky smooth to touch. Soft. I run my hand over it. I'm sure I'm not doing this properly but he makes appreciative noises. A little bit of fluid forms at the tip. I think Spike is uncircumsized. The skin goes to the top and as I move my hand it slides back, revealing a purple head. I run my hand up and down more quickly and he moans. I'm too embarrassed to look too closely.

"Is, is this ok?" I ask.

He half-laughs. "Yes, pet, yes it is." He lets out a little moan, then a self-deprecating laugh. "You won't hurt me love."

*************

It feels so good. Her soft, warm, delicate hand, the hand Glory crushed, is sliding up and down my dick. I'm used to harder, but somehow I don't want this soft delicate feeling to stop. And I'm so worked up from tasting her that I'm not going to last, not with her touching me. Not with this hesitant trying to please.

Oh god.

*************

He groans and grabs for the tissues. His hips jerk up and he lets out a loud moan. And I don't even see the…sperm, because he has the tissues ready. He looks up at me, sort of embarrassed, and tucks himself away.

There's awkward silence for a moment.

"So that's a penis," I say.

And he laughs.

Chapter 2

We continue our game every night after that. I come over, we talk, then I fall to my knees in front of her and make her cum. Sometimes she's on her bed, sometimes sitting at the table, sometimes on the floor. It makes me feel good about myself. That she enjoys it. I know it's not me, personally. Not stupid, I am a bloke, and it's not me that makes her wet. Like to think that what I do might though. Sometimes she brings me off afterwards, other times I do it. It don't take much. Just something about the whole thing that does it for me. I want her. I want to sink into her and lose myself completely. Her softness beckons me. I feel that she would be easy to lose myself in. She reminds me of paintings I saw in France once. Voluptuous women, soft, welcoming. The artists' mistresses. Dru could be soft and welcoming when it took her fancy. I would bite her shoulder like a ripe peach.

So we continue giving each other these brief moments of comfort.

Then one night, when we're both lying on her bed, just talking, she looks at me with that little frown she gets when she's working up to a question.

"Go all grr argh for me," she says, complete with actions.

************
I went to the Magic Box and asked Anya for books about Spike when he was unchipped and scary. Anya didn't care about why I wanted the books, as long as I returned them in good condition. She chatted away to me while I read. Willow's been really miserable, she told me. Anya wanted me to get back with Willow incase she decided to go after Xander again. It's hard to explain things to Anya, so I just told her that things were complicated. So I read the books. Spike has done horrible things. Evil things. It's hard to reconcile the man who sits and talks with me at night with the creature described in the books. I didn't know him before he was chipped. Willow had told me some of the things he'd done, why they all found it hard not to dislike him still. And the things he had done to her, kidnapping her, trying to kill her, it made me dislike him too. I was there when he turned everyone against each other, and there when he chained up Buffy. But I've also seen him the whole summer Buffy was dead, caring for Dawn and helping us keep Sunnydale safe. True he was being completely obnoxious and rude the whole time, but he didn't have to do it. And…we were both victims of Glory. Both of us because we were protecting Dawn. And now, we're both left by ourselves because the Buffy and Willow are the real Scoobies, and we were just borrowing their friends.

They said I was family.

Before I left, Anya told me she wanted to invite me to the wedding, but only if it wouldn't be uncomfortable. I told her it was up to Willow.

I thought about Spike all the way home. About his vampire self. The thing that stood out, in all the hundred and thirty years of watcher's reports, was his devotion to Drusilla. Angelus and Darla were in the same books. They betrayed each other constantly. Spike…stayed.

He looks at me curiously when I ask him to vamp out. Then he nods his head briefly

"All right then." And he does.

************

"What does it feel like?" she asks, and then reaches out a hand and tentatively touches my face. I try not to shudder, having her touch me like that. So trusting, not afraid. She studies my face as I try to describe the subtle differences. There's not much really, human face me and vamp face me, they're both me. S'pose some would say the vamp face is the real me and the human face is my disguise. Others would say, that my human face is what I really look like. Dunno. They're both me. Only difference is, one I wear when I'm feeding, one- well I can feed without vamping, but it's hard. The bloodlust is fiercer when I go game face.

She just watches me. Her hand slips down from my brow to my fangs. She traces a finger lightly over my lips and then just brushes my fangs.

"It would hurt you if I cut myself," she says, almost as if she's talking to herself.

The thought sends a surge of heat to my groin. The thought of tasting her blood is an instant aphrodisiac. But, yes, I imagine it would hurt. And I don't expect Tara really wants a snarling vampire frothing at the mouth trying to lick up her blood when she cuts her finger on my teeth.

"Yes, love, I think so. Hurt you too I expect. They're nasty sharp things. Let's not try it, hey?"

She smiles softly and then suddenly she rolls away.

*************

I take a brooch from the top drawer of my bedside table and roll back to Spike. Watching him carefully, I unhook the sharp pin on the back of the gold filigree and prick my thumb with it. I watch the pupils of his golden eyes dilate as a fat drop of blood forms on my thumb.

************

Know how I said I didn't think Tara wanted a snarling vampire hungry for her blood? My mistake.

An eternity seems to pass as she pricks her thumb and the crimson drop wells, forming a perfect red bead. And we just look at each other. The scent of blood fills my nose. And I am a Master Vampire. I have *some* restraint. Not some fledgling who can't control himself at the slightest hint of blood. The bloody Scooby gang are always getting themselves nicked and scratched. Soon give me short shift if I went predator on them every time. So I can control myself. But this, this is so erotic. So tantalising. This sweet, pure thing, her blood before me. I'm desperate for it.

Ragged unneeded breath comes from my lungs as I struggle to hold myself back. To stop myself from throwing myself at her, dragging her thumb into my mouth, sucking her essence. Ruining this game. Because I'm not sure why she's doing this. Could be testing me, see if I would hurt her. Half a year ago, even two weeks ago, I wouldn't have cared about failing her test. Do now. I grip the blanket tightly.

She looks at me and takes in a breath.

Then she reaches her hand out and smears the blood across my lower lip.

************

I find my chest constrict and I gasp in a breath as his tongue darts out to taste my blood on his mouth and then sucks his lower lip in, savoring the taste. I reach up again to repeat the action, but he catches my hand in his and lifts it to his mouth, that lovely long tongue dancing over my thumb. I find myself arching towards him unconsciously. And his free hand runs up under my skirt. His eyes are orange now, the pupils dark and dilated.

An animalistic whimper comes from his throat as I run my free hand over his thigh.

************

Her hand dances over my groin, sending more sparks through my body. The taste of her blood, human blood, given freely, is heaven in itself. My hand slips inside her damp knickers, and her hand works open the buttons on my jeans.

************

We lie beside each other on the bed, my hand in his as he licks my blood from my index finger, vampire anti-coagulant letting it flow. His other hand on me, caressing inside my panties, my other hand on him, stroking his hardness. He licks along my thumb now, down to my wrist up to the pinprick, a few spots of blood still forming.

************

And then, in a sudden flick she cuts herself on my fang.

No pain.

***********

The sound that comes from Spike is raw. It sends shudders to my very soul. And as his tongue grazes over my bleeding index finger, his finger slips inside me. I cry out at this delicious intrusion. He's never touched me like that before, only his tongue has been inside me - where only Willow has been before. He bucks into my hand, and we press into each other.

***********

I suck her finger into my mouth gently, savouring, drinking every drop of the sweet warm blood that flows from the cut. Her gasps and cries as I delve into her, the feel of her heat on my fingers, the feel of her against my palm and the heel of my hand as I rub against her, and the feel of her hand on me - it's intoxicating. Too much. We are so close now, our legs entwining as we writhe against each other. And our eyes never break contact. She watches me drink her.

So beautiful. So sweet. She quivers and tightens about my fingers and I see her eyes widen and dilate as she comes.

Oh god, oh yes pet. I thrust harder into her hand as she throbs around my fingers and her sweet blood slicks my tongue.

Fuckyeessohgnnurrgh. Oh god.

***********

We lie still beside each other for a long time after that, just looking at each other. That was incredibly intense. And all I can think is there was no violence in it at all.

Spike's normal, human face is back. He smiles at me, softly, lazy satisfaction. I like that look on his face. I feel pleased with myself. He's still licking my finger which has nearly stopped bleeding. He's already done licking his own fingers and the ones on my other hand. He's very orally fixated. I'm beyond blushing at where that thought leads me.

"What you thinking 'bout love?"

"Just about you."

He curls my hand closed and wraps his around it.

"Good thoughts?"

"Good thoughts."

************

"I didn't know your name was William," she says then, sitting up a bit.

I grin, and let go of her hand, grabbing the ends of the ribbons tying her bodice to play with. "You never heard of William the Bloody?"

"They didn't tell me, they just said, 'oh that's Spike'."

I roll my eyes. "Bloody typical, no respect. So where'd you find out then?" I tug gently at the ribbons and absently wrap them around my fingers.

She raises her eyebrow is such a wicked way, a single thought forms in my mind: minx.

"You didn't use your mojo or anything did you?" I ask suspiciously. Witchcraft makes me nervous. Specially the kind Glinda does.

"Yes, I sacrificed the first lamb of a virgin ewe to the dark lords to find out your deep dark secrets." Sarcasm from Tara? I'm beginning to like her more and more.

I chuckle.

"You got hold of some of the Watcher's books didn't you?"

"Vampire clans of Europe 1800-1950," she says.

I pull a face. "S'pose it had all sorts of shite 'bout my dearly beloved poof of a grand sire."

"Some," she said, and her expression is serious. "I know what kind of man you are Spike. You're more than what they wrote about you. You're some of that, but you're so much more. I see that."

I sit quietly for a moment. Not sure what to say. Part of me feels like scoffing, making a light remark, to lessen how important her words are to me, show I'm not that bloody soft, but the rest of me doesn't want to, doesn't want to lessen this gift.

So I do the only thing I can think of.

I kiss her.

I pull back and Tara is looking at me, shocked.

I look down. Bloody hell.

"Sorry love," I say. Bugger. "Didn't mean…spur of the moment. I mean…Sorry."

*************

Spike's fumbling for words of apology and all I can think is how nice it felt.

"Um, it's, it's ok. It's ok," I say. I give him a self-deprecatory smile. "I mean, it's not like we haven't exchanged bodily fluids before."

He quirks his scarred eyebrow and considers me for a moment.

"Willow needs her head read, you know that?" he says.

And I hit him with a purple satin cushion.

Because what he said made my tummy tingle. And so did the kiss.

************

Chapter 3

I don't think she realises the full importance of what she did last night. Fuck, I didn't realise myself until I'd left her place and got my head cleared a bit. The blood and sex play. Haven't done that since, well, since Dru. Harm never got into the fun side of vampire sexuality. Nothing kills the mood like your lover going "Ew?" What was more important than the kink though was the blood. Her gift of blood. I haven't had human blood in so long. And living human blood in longer. I can still taste her. She's in me now. She's a part of me. She makes me live. It was different to how it was with Dru. Dru's blood was sire's blood. Powerful, but dead. Tara was…different.

God, she was sweet.

I sit on her bed, massaging her feet in my lap. I'm busy not distracting her while she reads that book for class. I have one of her books open beside me but mostly I just watch her read.

***********

It would be much easier to concentrate if Spike didn't keep staring at me. I keep my head down because I know if I look up, he's just going to raise his eyebrows, just a little, and keep looking at me. Mmm that feels nice. If Buffy knew how good he is at foot massages, I don't think she'd have left that morning. I'm not sure why I did what I did last night, why I let him taste my blood. It just…seemed…right, at the time. Spike keeps rubbing my feet and finally I give in and look up from my book. And he does raise his eyebrows, just a little, and keeps looking at me. Just a hint of a smile. His expression is…soft.

**********

Her bodices fascinate me. She owns a never-ending range of them. Each fitting her just a little differently. With ribbons and strings and buttons that are just asking to be pulled and undone. Soft colours, blending in.

She laughs softly and rolls out of my reach when I tug at them. So I grab her around the waist and lie her down and while she laughs that wonderful laugh, I slip down and do what I am allowed to do.

I fall beside her on the bed when I am completely finished punishing her for not letting me play with her ribbons. She lets out a small happy sigh and smiles at me. I prop myself up on one elbow and watch her. She rolls onto her side towards me. Close to me. Our lips touch. Briefly. Chastely. Friendly. Just playing, just exploring.

And this time, as she takes me out and strokes me, rubbing her delicate hand over my hard cock, we drop soft kisses on each other's lips. Just softly, just pecks.

She moans just so, when I touch her again.

**********

Later, we lie on the bed, faces barely an inch apart, stealing quick kisses as we bring each other to completion. I reach my second orgasm for the evening just before Spike comes in my hand. Once tonight with his mouth and once with his hand.

His face as he comes; so pale, his eyes such a dark blue. I realise that the hurt and need isn't there. Just for a moment.

*********

It occurs to me, later, as I walk home, not smoking, so I don't lose the taste of her, that she lets me love her the way I want to love Buffy. Let's me express the soft feelings I want to show the Slayer but can't. I feel bad, suddenly, at the thought that I am using Tara as a substitute. But I know it's not like that. We take what we can give each other. Mutual understanding. Comfort. I wonder what I give her. Do I let her feel comfortable as herself, like she wishes Red would? Hope I do. Maybe I let her give to me, like she would give to Willow? Maybe I just let her talk, like she lets me.

Bugger it. I just like being with her.

***********

Willow calls. She wants to see me. She wants to talk. I feel sick. I don't want to do this, but I do. So much.

I need to talk to Spike.

"Hullo love," he says, surprised that I am here, in his crypt, in the middle of the day. He's been watching television. He quirks an eyebrow at me. Then obviously decides to cover his surprise with some lewd behaviour. He smirks. "Just couldn't wait 'til tonight then?"

************

"Spike," she says in her best stern voice. It's then that, blind pillock that I am, I notice her strained expression.

"Here, love, what's wrong?" I say going to her.

And she starts telling me bout Willow calling. And as she does, she's wiping her face, wiping away tears. I don't know what to do. I'm not good with tears. When Dru started crying I just had to distract her and she was right again. Have got a bit of practice since that night I tried my best to comfort the Slayer instead of kill her though. So I do what I did when Dawn started crying after Buffy died. I stroked Tara's hair back from her face. "S'alright, love, it's all right," I murmur, wiping the tears from her cheeks with my thumbs. But she starts sobbing for real now. That did a fat lot of good then.

***********

And as Spike starts trying to comfort me I find myself crying more. Suddenly, I let it go, all the hurt inside me. I let it go. The tears run down my cheeks and I see Spike's worried face, and then he puts his arms around me awkwardly, and holds me to him too tightly. And I just hold onto him and let go. I can hear him whispering as he strokes my hair.

"Shh pet, don't cry, I've got you, hush love, don't cry, I'm here," an endless litany of reassurance. Finally my sobs cease. I sniff and hide my face in his shoulder, his hard chest. It's like holding, I don't know, not a statue, but almost. A statue that can move and touch and kiss my ear. His arms aren't wrapped around me so tightly now, he's running his hands over my back in slow circles.

I wipe my face with my hand. I need a tissue. I sniff loudly and I feel the statue-chest rumble with a chuckle.

"Sorry love, don't have any tissues." He lets go of me briefly and then hands me a crumpled black t-shirt.

"Blow on that."

"Thanks," I mumble, embarrassed. It would be more embarrassing not to wipe my face and nose I suppose.

"Better?" he asks.

************

She nods and smiles at me tremulously. I pull her with me to my couch and we sit down, she rests her head on my lap and curls her body into the space left. We sit there for a while, just watching nothing on tele. Then she says.

"I think I'll go and see her."

"I think you should. You need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel."

"Do you think she'll listen?"

"If she wants you back she will."

And I ignore the pain in my chest, in my stomach. Because once Tara gets Willow back, she won't need a broken vampire hanging about anymore.

Willow is what she wants.

************

I think I must fall asleep, because I open my eyes and it's dark all of a sudden. The only light comes from the muted television. I'm still lying on Spike's couch, and my head is still in Spike's lap. I feel his hand kneading into my back. And…he's purring. A definite purr sound is coming from Spike's chest. I sit up blearily.

"Hmm, big pussy cat," I say.

He looks at me, curious, but the purring continues.

"You're all…rumbly, purry."

He smiles. "Guess I am," he says.

"It's nice," I say and lie back down. He shifts a bit, and I am moved onto his thigh. I roll onto my back and put my legs over the side of the couch. "I lost custody of Miss Kitty Fantastico," I tell him.

He chuckles.

"Thought I saw that damn cat underfoot at the Slayer's house still."

He keeps purring and I resist the urge to rub him behind the ears.

He shifts a bit more. And then I notice why.

Oh.

A very inappropriate thought strikes me.

*************

"Tara?" I ask. She's undoing my fly. "Uh pet?"

She looks at me and…her eyes, she knows what she's doing. Ok. Fair enough. I sit back and try not to come immediately.

************

I gently slide his foreskin back and run my thumb over the top of Spike's penis, through the clear bead of liquid that forms at the tip. I wonder….I take a lick. Spike jerks in my grasp and swears softly. Hmmm. I take another lick. It tastes salty. I run my tongue around the tip. Spike groans. I lick a bit more, then run my tongue down his shaft, then back, sometimes using the whole of my tongue, sometimes just the very end. I return to licking the tip and start sliding my hand up and down the shaft.

***********

Glad I don't have to bloody breathe. Bloody hell that girl can lick. She puts her lips on the head of my cock now and just starts…kissing it… Have to stop myself from pumping up into that warm mouth. Then she slides just the head of my dick into her mouth.

"Bloody hell, Tara," I groan.

***********

Suddenly he stiffens.

"Love, pet, stop, hop up," he says.

I sit up, startled. And he pumps himself hard and comes over his stomach.

"Oh god, oh fuck," he sighs, sinking back into the seat. He looks at me and raises an eyebrow. "That, love, was bloody brilliant."

"Um, w-why did you make me stop?" I think I know but I need to ask.

He looks surprised for a moment, then looks away, embarrassed. "Didn't want to get you all messy," he mumbles.

"Thank you," I say, touched.

He glances up at me, then smirks.

"Let me get cleaned up. Then you, Miss MacClay, are gonna have your turn."

He stands and pulls his dirty t-shirt up over his head and then wipes his stomach with it. I've never seen his chest before. He's so muscular. And so pale. Alabaster. Again I'm reminded of a statue. A Grecian or Roman statue, pale and perfect. And his nakedness is so unconscious. He sees me looking at him and I blush and look away.

He throws the shirt in the corner. He looks around.

"Back in a tick," he says and disappears down the ladder into the other part of his crypt.

*************

I pull on a clean shirt and head back up the ladder. Somehow I don't feel right playing our game half-naked. Don't think Tara'd appreciate it somehow. Wouldn't add to her pleasure. Funny, never one to be shy, but I'll spare her having to look on a male body. Saw her looking at me. Same way she looked at me bits, the first time she saw them, curious but also…bit put off.

She's curled up on my lounge watching the television when I step up into the crypt. She looks up and smiles. It's that smile that makes it all right. I walk over to her and she sits up. I kneel down in front of her and push her skirt up slowly. Letting it expose her legs, inch by lovely inch. She lets out a little laugh and sinks back into the couch. I run my hands up along her thighs, up, then down on the inside. I ease her knickers down, then off. Then I pull her hips towards me and I start making soft, bitey kisses up the insides of her thighs. Her breathing is soft.

*************

I watch as platinum blonde dips between my legs. Feel his tongue flicker over me, then start working wonderous patterns. Arousing me, teasing me, building a hot fire inside my belly that builds and builds until…

But then suddenly he stops and sits up.

"Someone's coming pet," he says, wiping his face. He listens. "It's Buffy." He looks at me, and for a second the trepidation and excitement and want he tries to hide is laid bare. Just as quickly it's gone and his face is a mask of indifference.

"Oh, that's, that's good," I say.

"Here." He hands me my panties and I pull them on and straighten my skirt, sitting back down. My legs are shaking, I was so close. He winks at me.

"Sorry pet, I'll finish soon."

I blush. "It's…um, ok," I shrug. But it's not. I'm throbbing. And he'll want to talk to Buffy. Spike is looking almost nervous suddenly.

"I…I should go-"

He shakes his head. "Not alone, I'll walk you home." He frowns. "You can wait downstairs if you want. Don't have to let her know you're here." He sits down beside me.

I frown. Why- Then I realise.

"I- I don't mind-"

The pleased look on his face makes my heart break.

*******

The door opens before I can ask Tara if she's sure.

"Spike?" Buffy. Just her voice alone twists my insides up. So many nights she came here, after she came back. Came here and talked to me, like I was a man. Her confidant, friend. Know now what it was, she could tell me, cause I wasn't one of them. Didn't matter if I knew. How she treats me now, hurts all the more though, for how she treated me then - like her friend, like her equal.

"Yeah, Slayer, I'm over here," I say without turning around. It's odd, for once I almost just wish she hadn't shown up. Funny after all those nights, sitting here, imagining she did just this. And now…Now I just want peace and calm and quiet and gentleness with Tara. Buffy makes the dead blood in my veins boil. Fierce passion. Want. Burning, smothering desire. It provokes the demon part of me. The part that wants to throw her over the crypt right this minute and give her a good shagging.

"Hey," she says.

I stand up. "Hey," I say. She looks edible as usual. Jeans, bright tight shirt. Gorgeous hair, darker now, like shadows in the middle of the day.

Tara stands. "Buffy, hi," she says shyly.

"Tara?"

"Tara was just visiting," I say, daring Buffy to react.

"I...I have to go now, anyway," Tara says and I feel bad, cause she looks uncomfortable.

"Yeah, and I have to walk her home," I say.

Buffy's frowning and looking at me suspiciously. I can see an 'evil, disgustin' demon' lecture coming on.

"No!" Buffy says. "I'll walk her home." She looks at Tara. "I'll walk you home."

"So that all you drop by for, make sure I wasn't up to anything I shouldn't be?" I ask.

Buffy colours a little. I sense her heart race. She avoids my eyes.

"No, I - I just came to, um, talk to you. And I can do that after I walk Tara home."

I shrug, though my stomach is in knots. Not going to show Buffy that though. I know her now. I know she wants more. Wants more, hates wanting it. Doesn't want to want me. She's trying not to give in. An' she hasn't, not yet. Her disgust must really outweigh her want. But I've tasted her. I spent one night with her, knowing her, giving her what she wanted. She can pretend all she wants that she doesn't crave it, but she does. That's why we're not friends anymore. That's why she twists words in me like a knife. That's why she runs away.

"Yeah, whatever Buffy, just don't take too long, 've got things to do, you know."

Tara squeezes my hand as she walks past me, following Buffy out of the crypt. She gives me a look that says, be good. I give her a half grin.

"Tomorrow, pet?" I murmur and she nods.

Then I'm left to wait for Buffy to return.

****************

"So, you and Spike are like - friends?" Buffy asks as we walk back through the cemetery.

I nod. "I got to know him when…" I stop, awkward.

"When I was dead?"

I nod. "And lately…we've just been talking."

"Oh."

We walk in silence. Thoughts race through my mind. I want to talk about Spike more, try and convince Buffy how nice he is. Get her to see him the way I do now. I'm sure if she stopped fighting him, let him love her, he would be as nice. He would lose the armour he wears when she's around. I think about Spike's expression as Buffy entered the crypt, the hope and wanting that flickered across his face. He loves her so much. It's been nice having him, letting him satisfy me, comforting each other, but I know Buffy is the one he wants to be with.

"Have you spoken to Willow lately?" Buffy asks suddenly.

I nod. Oh. Willow. The sick feeling returns. "Today. She wants to meet…and talk."

"She's trying really hard," Buffy says. "She's gone to an addictions meeting - and like that's pretty much cured because half the problem is admitting you've got one right?"

"She's ok?" I ask. I hope she's ok. Part of me wants to run to her and hold her and keep her safe, but I can't do that because then I'll be protecting her forever.

"She's ok. It's hard. That Rack guy really did a number on her, but she's strong, she's fighting it."

I nod, saying nothing. I felt like dying when I heard what had happened. What Willow had become involved in. I threw up. Buffy continues.

"She's really missing you Tara. I know she's really sorry. She's trying to make things up to Dawn too. But it's you she's really upset about."

"I miss her too. But I can't- Buffy, while she's still obsessed with magic - I can't ever trust her."

"Hey, I completely understand. No one blames you at all. Willow got totally out of control. I mean, with what happened to Dawn? And that whole memory thing was - ok, just wiggy. And dangerous. Did you know Giles kissed Anya?"

I look at her surprised. "Really?"

Buffy shrugs. "Well they did think they were engaged."

We both giggle.

"Seriously, Tara, she really wants to try to make it up to you. I think she wants to at least be your friend again." The thought fills me with joy. To be Will's friend again. But then my stomach twists, as recent memories come attached.

"I'll talk to her. I'll call her when I get home," I say and the sick feeling gets worse.

"Good," says Buffy.

We walk in silence for a while longer.

"Spike told me about you and him," I say.

Buffy stops. Horror on her face.

"He told you?! About him and me and, and the…"

"Sex," I supply, trying to keep a straight face.

"Typical! Argh! I can't believe him, boasting about it. Actually no, I totally believe it."

"No, no, it wasn't like that. He was really upset, he just wanted to talk to someone about it."

"He was upset?"

I nod and look at her apologetically. "He told me what you said."

Buffy thinks about this. "Did he also happen to tell you what he said?"

I nod. "Buffy, I know you were scared about what you two did, I understand. But Spike really loves you. He thought that after that night things would be different between you, better. But it wasn't."

Buffy's quiet.

"I was kind of harsh," she admits. "But you should have seen him, all smug and…glowy…and satisfied…Ok, so the sex was great. But wrong. Very wrong."

"I just think you should give him a chance. That's all. He can be so different, so sweet, if you let him."

"When I first came back," Buffy says in a soft voice. "He was really sweet, really nice. I couldn't bear it sometimes, how lovingly he looked at me."

I don't say anything.

"It's so wrong though. He's a vampire. He's evil Tara."

I sigh. How can I explain that I don't believe he is anymore? No more evil than any of us.

"He was upset?"

I nod, and Buffy looks thoughtful.

And I suddenly feel strangely sad. I know I should be happy, that Buffy's going to give him a chance, it's what he wants. I crush down the tiny wish that he might come to visit later. It must be frustration. I haven't felt unsatisfied since Spike started pleasuring me. I miss Willow but not because I miss sex. I miss holding her. I know I miss her scent. I found her sweater the other day and I could smell her perfume on it still. I miss her smile.

I'll call her tonight, arrange to meet tomorrow.

************

It's much later when I hear my door open again. I'm pretending to be watching whatever's on tv.

"Hey," she says, standing in front of me. She nibbles her lip.

"Hello Buffy," I say.

Chapter 4

I have a dream that night. About Spike. And it's erotic. Very erotic. He's not…having sex with me, he's just - we're lying down, on my bed, and we're just holding each other. We're looking into each other's eyes and he's so beautiful. In my dream, I'm lost in him. And then we kiss and it's what I want and it's so intense and passionate. It was like - wow. Like the dream I had of being back with Willow. Good, happy. And I like it. A lot. Even though he's a guy, even though he's a man.

His legs entwine with mine and I feel him press against me and then…I come.

The orgasm wakes me and still half asleep I try to go back to the dream, to the happy place and feeling.

But of course you never can.

I wake up late in the morning and remember that I'm seeing Willow today. The worried feeling returns and I take deep breaths and try to calm down.

I really don't know what to do. Will I get back with her if she asks? Sometimes I'm not even sure why I don’t. Other times I remember the hurt she caused so vividly, that I nearly hate her and feel like I might never be able to forgive her. Then there are times, when Spike is lying beside me talking about not much and toying absently with my buttons, that I don't care, that I forget she's even gone.

Thinking about Spike brings back the warm glow in my belly from the dream. In the morning light I realise it's odd. I had a sex dream about Spike. Spike, my male friend, Spike. I wonder if Buffy talked with him last night. A happy sense of anticipation fills me, knowing that he will visit tonight and we can talk.

************

I wake up and I'm alone. I remember Buffy leaving sometime in the morning. Me asking her to stay. She didn't. Another mistake.

"Spike, don't. I've just got to go."

I stretch, I'm sore. Good sore, from wild sex. I wonder what it'd be like to just make love to Buffy for once. Not just fuck and be fucked. Love her, caress her, cherish her. Instead of this fierce, intense, almost fight. Not just aggression, anger and mindless release, that sometimes becomes tender when we're both too exhausted to fight anymore. Though, can't say I don’t like that too. Just would like…it doesn't always have to be hard.

I feel my cock stir, thinking about last night. She came back, after she'd taken Tara home. And she didn't say anything after hello, just kissed me. So much passion. God, I wanted her. It was like she was punishing me for making her want me. Tried to ask her what she was playing at, where she was going with this. Told me to shut up and fuck her. Then we were ripping each other's clothes off and it all went downhill from there. And you know what I was thinking the whole time? At everything Buffy did that I didn't quite understand, as she pinned my arms to the bed and rode me until we both screamed, as I fucked her into the mattress, as she fell asleep on my chest again? I kept thinking about telling Tara.

I owe her an orgasm.

It's nearly dark so I get up and dress. Tara'll have talked to the witch. Wonder how it went. Wonder if she went and saw her. And I think Buffy is right, that I am pure evil, when I hope it didn't go well.

***********

It was awkward. Both of us trying not to say the wrong thing. There was a lot of small talk. A lot of how are you? And then Willow told me she missed me, I said I missed her too. And then she asked why we couldn't try, why I couldn't give her a second chance. I tried to explain to Willow how I was feeling, why I left. She got defensive. I could see she was trying not to, but she did. It seems she always does when I bring up her magic. I seemed to constantly say the wrong thing. I know she's trying, I really do. We talked some more. Willow told me Anya had asked her about the wedding. She told me she didn't want me to miss it because of her. We talked some more. Just seeing Willow, I want things to be how they were with her. Before.

We're going to go see a movie on Friday.

I get home late. It's nearly seven. And as I walk up to the main doors of my building, I see a familiar figure sitting on the sandstone wall. He's been waiting. I blush, suddenly reminded of my dream.

"Where 've you been?" he asks. His voice is odd.

"Um, out, um I saw Willow," I say, slightly put off by his tone.

He nods. "Oh. Went well then did it?"

I half shake my head. "It, it was ok."

"All back together then? Everything sorted out right and tight in Pleasant Valley?"

"N-no, not quite." I looked away. Spike's tone is hard, slightly mocking. I don't understand why he's being like this. I know I don't need it. Not after today. I walk past him into the building.

***********

Bloody hell.  I'm the only one that knows how hard seeing Willow must've been and I'm being a complete arsehole.

"Tara, wait."

She stops at the stairs.

"Sorry love, I'm sorry. Just, been waiting, wanting to talk to you, is all." No. Can't tell her I was bein' a jealous idiot. Cause got no right to be. "Can I come up?"

She nods. And I follow her up the stairs to her room.

"It didn't go well then, love?" I ask once we're inside.

"It, it was ok," she says again and relaxes a bit. A sharp shot of fear hits me in the gut though cause it makes me realise how close I just came to fucking this up, making her not confide in me anymore.

***********

Spike is suddenly himself again. The way he normally is around me. We sit down and I tell him about Willow.

"Did Buffy go back to see you last night?" I ask. He nods.

"What…what happened?"

He looks down, then up at me.

"We shagged, she left, the end. Not a great deal of that talking stuff you and Red were doing."

"But, but you slept together, that's good right?" I suddenly have an odd upset feeling inside me.

"Yeah, its good." He smirks. "All right, bloody fantastic actually. Still, would be nice to have her admit for once she's not completely disgusted by me." He pauses, then says in a quiet voice. "Wish I could talk to her like I do with you love."

I don't know what to say. There's a tightness in my chest, his words touch me so much.
"I, I feel the same way about Willow," I say. And I do. He doesn't get defensive and he just…listens. It's so strange to think I used to be nervous around him. And suddenly I'm so glad that I found him that night. So glad we got this chance to know each other.

He gives me one of his actual smiles. And then he goes to kneel in front of me.

************

"Spike, no," she says.

I look up at her, frowning.

"You don't want?"

She bites her lip. "I can't, Spike…Buffy, Willow, not now. Not anymore." Her eyes plead with me to understand. I do, it's over. She's got Willow back now and she doesn't want this from me anymore.

**********

He nods. "Right, ok," he says shortly, then he stands and strides towards the door.

"Spike?"

He opens the door.

"Spike, where are you going?" I feel like crying.

He stops with his back to me. "Home love, thought it was for the best."

I stand. "Is…is that all you visit me for?" I ask, trying to steady my voice.

He turns, shocked.

"Is what all I visit you for?" He looks horrified. "The sex play? Is that what you think?"

I nod. And then suddenly he's holding me tightly and murmuring into my hair.

"Bloody hell, love, no, no, don't think that, please don't."

I blink back tears.

"Why, why were you going to leave then?" I ask.

He pulls back and looks at me, his eyes flashing golden.

"Tara," he says fiercely. "Knowing you these past few weeks has been one of the most important things that has happened to me in me whole undead life."

I smile. "Really?"

"Bloody hell, girl, yes. Thought you didn't want me about, that's why I was going to leave. Was tactfully taking the hint…which obviously wasn't actually a hint…at…all…" He grins ruefully.

I reach up and smooth a loose curl from his forehead.

"I just don’t think we should do that anymore, not after…Buffy and you, and what might be happening soon with Willow, it would be cheating."

"Buffy left this morning remember. I'm not her significant other, not by a long shot," Spike says. He runs his fingers through my hair. "I understand though if you'd prefer to wait for your little red-head."

And I think it must be the dream I had, because here I am wanting not to wait, wanting him to close the gap between us and wanting to place more soft kisses on his lips.

I take a deep breath.

"I'm not back with Willow yet," I say.

"The minute Buffy even looks like wanting to do more than pop by for quick shag-"

"And as soon as it looks like I'll be getting back together with Willow-"

"Ok."

"Good."

*************

She laughs her wonderful laugh as I pick her up and carry her to the bed. I lie her down and this time I don't stop until she's come. And then come again.

And then we lie on her bed, side by side, kissing soft, short kisses, that are starting to last a little longer each time, while I pull myself off. She puts her small hand on mine, moving in rhythm with me. Suddenly she takes her hand away. Then, bloody hell, yes, starts touching herself.

I moan.

And I alternate between kissing her, and watching her pleasure herself, lips slightly parted, eyes glazed., her hand between her legs and her other hand playing with her nipples through her blouse. I pump harder, as she holds my eyes with hers. They're full of lust and desire. So beautiful. She's so fucking beautiful.

I reach my hand out and cover the one that's playing with her breast.

"Can I?" I breathe.

And fuck yes, she nods.

I trace my hand over her curves. Slide it over the erect nipples that strain against the soft green of her blouse. She lets out a little gasp. And I groan.

***********

I lie back and just feel as Spike unbuttons my blouse and unhooks my bra and then runs his hand over my breasts. I still my hand at my clit, not wanting to come, not yet. Oh! His mouth! His tongue. Ohhhh…

I arch towards his cool mouth as his lips close about my nipple. I reach my free hand out and run it over his chest, feeling the muscles, then down to the end of his t-shirt and the coarse curls that rest just below. I find his hand and rest mine back over it as he strokes himself. Strokes himself as he touches, licks, sucks and nibbles at my breasts.

The pleasure builds and builds. I never thought I could manage another orgasm tonight, but I am, his mouth feels wonderful. I touch myself more, sliding my fingers into my wet cleft. He starts pumping harder, and I pull my hand back and open my eyes and watch him as he stiffens, thrusting into his own hand, then comes with a gasp.

And it's not gross, and it's not unpleasant, or disgusting, because it's him.

And then I come too.

**********

We lie next to each other. I've made a sticky mess of her sheets, but she doesn't seem to mind. I can't stop looking at her face. I think I'm in danger of loving this girl more than I should. She stretches, satisfied, content and makes no move to cover herself. I drink in the sight of her body, her skirt up about her waist, her chest bare, beautiful large breasts with their pink nipples. Wanton, but in a very good way.

I stretch out beside her. And its nice to know she's not going to run away on me, or call me names or make me feel guilty for this. I entertain the foolish wish that I could combine Tara and Buffy into the one perfect woman. The woman I love with this friend who lets me love her.

"It gets so small!" she says suddenly, looking down my body towards my…hey! Wait one bloody minute!

I look at her. Then look back down at my now flaccid penis.

"Not that small," I say, a little miffed. Well it is my dick.

She giggles evilly. Yes, nice, sweet Tara is mocking my manhood.

"I mean, it's so big, when it's…erect, and in comparison, now…"

I laugh. "I think I'll just take that as a compliment, love."

"Sorry. It's, just, um, it's a novelty."

I look at her. "You're a very bad girl, you know that Tara?"

I shudder as that very bad girl reaches out and touches me. An' I can't help growing back to that massive size that apparently got her so impressed.

************

I'm getting used to it. That ugly, almost live thing between his legs. It moves by itself. This is the first time I've seen it…become erect. Usually Spike is hard by the time he gets it out. And his, um, testicles, I notice that they tighten, almost shrink up to his body when he's about to come. He's hard again now. I wonder if he wants to come again. He's not moving though, just letting me touch him. I'm actually quite tired.

"Do you…um, need…"

He shakes his head.

"It's just bein' optimistic," he says, and tucks his now softening member away and buttons up his jeans.

"Hmm," I say, and stifle a yawn. He smoothes my hair from my face and drops a kiss on my lips. Soft, lingering. He lies back and I rest my head on his chest, tracing invisible patterns on his black t-shirt.

"Spike, this is nice," I say, comfortably.

"Yeah, pet it is."

And then he wraps my arms around me and pulls me close against him. And we talk for a little while about not very much, until I fall asleep.

***********

"Don't go," she murmurs, as I start to quietly untangle myself from her, not long before dawn.

"Got to love, 'less you want me hanging about all day tomorrow."

She yawns. "I'll be at class, I won't notice."

I chuckle and I stay. Because she asked me to. And I nestle back down beside her warm body, that still hasn't been covered up yet. I pull a sheet up over us and wrap my arms around her again.

Could die like this.

***********

Chapter 5

 

I’m filled with the wonderful sensation of waking up next to someone as I come to consciousness. I feel arms wrapped around me and my leg entwined with someone else’s. A chin is pressing lightly into my forehead. I open my eyes and see a black t-shirt covered chest. Part of me finds it odd that knowing it’s Spike holding me doesn’t diminish the pleasant sensation at all. He doesn’t move…at all. Doesn’t breath. Again I’m reminded of a statue. And for a moment a shot of horror twinges in my belly at the knowledge that he is dead. I reluctantly pull out of the embrace. He doesn’t stir. I realise that it’s morning and traditional sleepy time for vampires.

 

Vampire. It’s been so long since I thought of him like that. I forget what he is. What they say he is, a soulless demon. I stroke his slightly ruffled hair back from his face. He’s angelic looking when he’s asleep. Perfect features. He is beautiful.

 

And then, for some odd reason, I press a kiss to his lips. He moves then slightly, and I think he will wake, but he just smiles softly and mumbles something that sounds like ‘Glinda’.

 

I stop to think once I’m out of my room.

 

**********

It’s late afternoon when I wake. I’m feeling a mite peckish, but I don’t think Tara’s got a stash of blood in that bar fridge of hers, so I raid it for milk and make myself a hot chocolate. Nowhere near as good as she makes it, still, reminds me of her now. And Joyce still too. And the look on bloody Angel’s face that night he tried to protect Joyce from me. Stupid pillock, she was never in any danger. Would never have hurt Joyce. I’m not the ungrateful fuck Angelus was. Might be a cold blooded killer but I remember kindnesses. Fine lady, sexy too. I know technically I’m older than she was, but Joyce was still more of a Mum than a potential lover.

 

I poke around Tara’s room a bit. Not many secrets I haven’t unearthed yet. I poke around when I’m visiting her all the time. She doesn’t mind. Think she thinks it keeps me busy. Sometimes I catch her watching me, always blushes and looks away.

 

Starting to think she might, just might, be having some not so homosexual feelings towards me. Yeah I know, the oral sex, but see…it’s not feelings, not me, I might as well be a vibrator there. The kisses though…and last night, when she snuggled against me…Don’t know what I’d do if she did have those kinds of feelings towards me. Her lesbianism is like a safety guard, like a shield. Ours is very definitely the love that dare not speak its name. She’s a good girl and she’s so bloody good to me. I don’t think I can bear it sometimes. Don’t know what I’d do if I thought I could have her. And what about Buffy? Got to remember her. Not as hard to do that when I’m alone in my crypt having a sad pathetic wank as it is here, even alone, surrounded by Tara’s scent, in the light. Haven’t been needing to wank much lately, alone that is.

 

I harden, thinking about last night, with Tara. And for some reason I feel guilty. Bloody stupid.  But last night was different with Tara. Before, when I tossed off  because of what we did together…it was because of the act, because of the sensuality of it, bloody hell, because I had my tongue in her quim. When I first propositioned her, I wanted her softness, I wanted to kiss her, to have more of the soft, kindness and light she offered. But I realise this is the first time I’ve lusted after her body. After her heavenly breasts and her soft thighs.

 

It scares me.

 

*************

 

I can’t stop feeling a happy feeling knowing that Spike is in my bed waiting for me to come home. I know it is a very foolish thing to be feeling. Know that I’m being very foolish even letting myself feel like this. Because despite what we do, despite how close and intimate we are, despite the soft kisses and the holding and the caresses, despite how special he somehow makes me feel, I know that he wants Buffy, that he loves Buffy. And I love Willow. But when I see Willow across the lecture theatre, my stomach twists and I don’t get happy flip flops, I get a sad sick feeling and an almost-dread. And I don’t like that I do.

 

I’m still thinking these thoughts when I open the door to my room and am accosted by a blur of peroxide blonde vampire.

 

I’m twirled around and deposited on my bed.  He collapses next to me.

 

“Hullo love,” he grins.

 

I laugh, and already his hands are creeping up under my skirt.

 

************

 

Oh bloody hell, this is heaven. I’m lost between her legs, drinking her in, drinking in her pleasure. For a moment I forget that there are bad things in this world and that I am one of them. And for a moment I forget that I’m loving a woman I cannot have. I want Tara. Somewhere between sip and kiss, I started wanting her. As I lick her thigh, kiss away the final quivers of her coming, and lift myself to brush my lips against hers, I know I do. I want her. And I also know, I can’t have her.

 

She belongs to Red. But what she does give me is so rich and wonderful that it’s almost enough. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by horror of the thought of when she’ll be done with me.

 

***********

Spike suddenly grips me tightly, and pulls me close to him, wrapping his arms around me. I don’t understand as he crushes me against him, but I stroke his hair and hold him.

 

He doesn’t say anything. And so, neither can I.

 

And then he lifts up his face and crushes his lips to mine and kisses me. Not soft and playful, not sensuously. Hard and desperate.

 

It feels like loss and hurt and goodbyes and it makes me cry.

 

**********

I can’t make her promise not to leave me, because I know it will happen, know more certainly than I knew Dru would go one day and that Buffy would leave in the morning. I’m only borrowing her. And maybe that’s why I kiss her. But I do. And I can’t stop, until suddenly I feel tears on her face.

 

I pull back. Oh God. What have I done?

 

I smooth the hair back from her face, try to wipe the tear stains from her cheeks.

 

“Oh God, Tara, love, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” I say. 

 

She blinks back her tears.

 

“Why? What for?”

 

************

 

He stares at me.

 

“For kissing you. For-” He frowns. “Bloody hell, Tara, why were you crying then?”

“No, Spike, no it wasn’t that. I…I don’t, I didn’t…It wasn’t because you kissed me. It was just…” I shake my head. How can I explain the sense of loss I felt in that kiss. “It felt like you were saying goodbye,” I whisper.

 

He looks away and is silent for a moment.

 

“Will have to, one day,” he says quietly.

 

I nod and feel foolish. I knew he would go soon. That this was just temporary. I remind myself that he knew I would go too.

 

He doesn’t look at me.

 

“Wasn’t-“ he stops and clears his throat. “Don’t want to say goodbye.”

 

He looks at me then, and I shake my head.

“I don’t want to either,” I say.

 

************

 

We lie there for a bit, not saying anything, just holding each other. There’s not much to say. Don’t want to think about what this means. Just feel this soft, warm body holding me. I feel her heart beating and feel her breath. 

 

***********

This body, cool and hard against me, feels comforting and safe. And when I look up and see Spike’s eyes, they are soft and understanding. Some sort of agreement was just made, but I’m not sure what it is or what it means. I do know that Spike's not going to leave now. And that makes me happy.

 

**********

It’s the next day when Harris comes to see me. He looks embarrassed and hands me a cream envelope with gold writing.  A wedding invite.

 

"Well An's inviting De Hoffryn and all her demony type friends and relations and I figure I need to increase the evil quota on my side. There's my folks and Uncle Rory already, so if you came, I figured we'll be about even."

 

I nod and try to say something suitably flippant to show I don't care that I've been asked, even though I do. And Harris just nods and says,

"Whatever, just try not to insult anyone on Anya's side."

 

Wonder if Tara's going.

 

*********

 

Spike shows me the invitation.

 

"Um, that, that's good right?" I ask. And though he's been trying to act casual about it, he nods and gives me a rueful grin.

 

"Yeah, s'pose. Nice to be included. So, you goin'?"

 

I nod. My invitation came in the mail yesterday and Anya called as well to let me know that seeing as things were apparently on the way to reconciliation with Willow, she had decided to invite me. Thinking about Willow sends me into turmoil again. My date with her is tomorrow. Just thinking about it makes my stomach twist.

 

"What's wrong?" Spike asks. Somehow Spike can always tell when I’m upset, I suppose he can sense when my heart starts to race or perhaps he can sense fear.  

 

"My, my date with Willow is tomorrow," I say.

 

We haven't talked about Willow or Buffy or what that means to us. Because there is now, there's an Us. A tentative, undefined Us. 

 

"You want to see her?" he asks.

 

I shake my head. "I…I don't know," I say. "No. Yes."

 

*********

 

Something curls and growls in my guts. I bite back an acidic remark. I know how Tara feels about Red. After the other night though…I want to ask her where this is going. But I can't, because there's Buffy.  Because if Buffy came bursting her way through my crypt door and told me to drop my pants, I would.

 

So, have got no right to be jealous.

 

Don't know what this thing me and Tara have now means though.

 

"Be yourself," I say unhelpfully. "And don't worry bout it. She's the one who has to worry. It's not you who's done the wrong thing."

 

********

 

It's on the tip of my tongue to ask, what about us? But I don't. Because, I don't know what I want. I know I don't want to lose what I have with Spike, but I…I can hardly believe or want to believe he would be an alternative to Willow. I have tried not to think about that concept. Because that would mean…so much change, and wanting something I haven't wanted before, wanting something I may not be able to have.  It’s easier to wish for the Willow I first met, than to want that other possibility.

 

“Um, the uh, wedding, are you going?” I ask, half to change the subject, because this thing is too uncomfortable to look at.

 

Spike shrugs and says coolly. “Free booze and food, why not. ‘Sides, Slayer will be wearin’ a pretty little dress I imagine. Might have myself a dance with the bridesmaid.”

 

Oh. Buffy. I look down, reminded firmly about how Spike feels about Buffy.

 

**********

I know I’ve said the wrong thing, but I don’t care. The jealous, gnawing feeling inside me stops me from biting back the spite-filled words. They spill out before I can stop them, cold and uncaring. I see Tara’s head go down, her hair fall in front of her face, hiding her from me. And that’s suddenly more terrible than the dead clawing feeling caused by her wanting Willow. And the knowledge that those few words I said could hurt her is wonderful and terrifying and awful all at once.

 

I reach out and push the hair away from her face. She won’t look at me.  Need to make this right.

 

“You’re gonna go too, right love?” I ask. “Need you there to hold me hand pet, ‘case people start getting all nice and family oriented on me.”

I see a glimmer of a smile but she doesn’t raise her eyes to mine.

 

“I’m not nice and family oriented?” she asks shyly, and her tone is half playful, half little girl lost. I get that thought again, minx.

 

**********

 

He lifts up my chin and the look he gives me is positively indecent.

 

“Kitten, you are definitely NC17 material or an R at the very least.”

 

His gaze drops and runs over my body, sending thrills through me, that I try to hide. And then his eyes return to mine and they aren’t leering or seductive, there’s a smile there and fondness and…something else, something desperate and hopeful and…I recognize myself.

 

“Can I play pet?” he asks and his voice is husky. I nod and he pulls me to lie down beside him. And then as he slides down my body, I hear him say, “too sexy too be nice.”

 

Chapter 6

 

My stomach feels like it has wasps more than butterflies as I wait at the cinema for Willow on Friday night. I’m tempted to just leave.   But then Willow walks around the corner. 

 

“Hi,” she says.

 

“Hi,” I say. The nervousness radiating off both of us is palpable.

 

“Um, so um what movie do you want to see?” Willow asks.

 

It’s not easy watching a movie next to her, being reminded of when we used to go to the cinema before. How we’d hold hands and whisper and giggle. And we can’t now. Instead we have awkwardness and nervousness and uncomfortable sick feelings. And its not because I want to touch Willow, which is what I should be feeling - wanting to hold her hand.  I think I’m more afraid that she will touch me, and of what I will do in response, what I should do in response. We feel like strangers again.

 

The movie is good, clever but serious, and I find myself wondering what Spike would say about it. And I suddenly wish I was with him instead. At the moment, that is the safest option, but in the long run, it’s not. It’s madness and scary to think of Spike as being more than a temporary comfort, and something I only do in my wildest dreams. Having a relationship with Spike, even if he wanted it, is so bizarre, so unreal when I think about it - turning everything upside down, sideways.  It would be so much simpler and easier to be back with Willow.  Willow would be normal. Everything would be back to normal. But…if only I could stop worrying about her magic addiction and stop feeling uncomfortable and start trusting her - know her again. Things could be normal.  I glance at Willow, she’s watching the movie, a soft look on her face, relaxed for a moment and I’m taken back to over a year ago when things were good. When I loved her without so many complications.

 

We discuss the movie when it’s over, which gives us something to talk about.  And then, after a while, we stop for coffee because it seems that we still have a lot to talk about, and then I walk Willow to the bus stop. And as we get to the awkward saying goodbye part, I find myself asking if she wants to do this again. Willow smiles, that bright Willow smile I haven’t seen for so long and I smile too. And for a moment I wonder why we’re not both going back home together.

 

“I’d better go,” Willow says glancing at the line of people getting onto the bus.

 

I nod.

 

“I’ll call you?” she says, more of a question than a statement.

 

I smile. "And, and I’ll see you at the wedding next week.” And then we hug, and as I pull back, I find myself looking into Willow’s eyes.  This seems so familiar. So right. I lean forward and touch my lips to hers.  There’s so much safety and so much surrender all at once as we kiss.  Something burns in the pit of my stomach. And I realize I haven’t been feeling the wasps for a while. It only lasts a few seconds, then we both pull back simultaneously.

 

“Bye,” says Willow.

 

“Bye,” I say.

 

I watch her get on the bus and glance back at me. When I’m sure she’s not looking and I’m half way back to my dorm, I touch my fingers to my lips. And I remember this kiss and another I’ve had recently.

 

************

 

If I happened to find myself by Tara’s late-ish on Friday night, it had nothing to do with wondering how her date went with Red. Just happened to be in the neighborhood, doing some business. Just happened to be there, and noticed her light was on, so I dropped by to see if she was home, if she wanted some company.

 

She buzzes me up, and she doesn’t sound sleepy, sounds happy in fact.  Obviously Red ain’t there, so it’s not like I’m intruding, wouldn’t have bothered me mind, if she had had the witch back to her room. She belongs with Willow, and though we don’t want this to end, we’ll have to stop playing at being what we ain’t sooner or later. Glinda’s been in my head a lot lately, more than I’d like. More than Buffy. Maybe because it’s more pleasant thinking about Tara. There’s no bitter aftertaste to the happy parts of thoughts. No nasty undertone. I’m a demon, yeah, but it’s others we’re supposed to like inflicting pain and suffering on, not ourselves.

 

I climb the stairs slowly. Don’t know whether I want to hear how happy she is with Willow.

 

She lets me in and I notice the light in her face immediately. She wears her happiness like a gown. My dark princess used to glow sometimes with a demonic fire whenever she’d had a lovely time, and I’m reminded of that, though Tara’s light is so painful it hurts.

 

“It went well then love?” I ask, though my guts are twisting, I can’t not be happy that she’s this happy. It’s the light. She smiles.

 

“It went well. We had a good time.”

 

I don’t want to hear anymore but I’m trapped in Tara’s light and I have to listen.

 

********

 

I tell Spike about my date with Willow. He seems happy for me. He doesn’t ask if we were getting back together. The date went so well, which makes things so confusing. If the date had been bad, if Willow had been defensive, or we’d had an argument about her magic…if we hadn’t kissed…then it would have been easier. Because the part of my heart that wants to continue this thing with Spike can’t be reconciled with how happy having a nice time with Willow made me.  I felt so happy that things were starting to be good again, but seeing Spike I suddenly don’t know what to do.

 

I need to…maybe forget for a while that I have to make this decision.

 

“Spike,” I say, finally.

 

“Yes love?”

 

I glance down suggestively.

 

He looks at me questioningly for a moment and then he’s on his knees in front of me.

I know I said I’d stop this as soon as it looked like Willow and I would be getting back together again. But I’m not certain yet, and even when being with Willow seemed like such a natural progression, I’m not ready to do it yet - to trust her.

 

********

 

I don’t ask her about Willow. I take her request for pleasure as a sign that she hasn’t decided she wants to go back to Red yet. Fine by me.

As the evening progresses I get the feeling that this might be the last time. Tara does all the things she’s ever done or let me do. As I lick the last of her sweet blood from her fingers and lie sated beside her on her bed, I try to memorise this exact moment. She’s silent for a while, just running her hand over my side, her giggles and her glorious laughter grown silent. I watch her profile as she lies looking up at the ceiling.  I curl her fingers into a ball and close my hand around it and she rewards me with a smile. I reach out and gently stroke her hair. Beautiful hair. Long and golden. Didn’t want to think of Buffy. I push the thought aside.

 

“I want to show you something,” she says suddenly and sits up.

 

“What’s that love?”

 

She goes to her wardrobe and pulls out a long red dress covered in black lace.

 

“It’s for the wedding.”

 

I watch as, with a complete lack of self-consciousness, she pushes off the last of her clothing. She steps from her skirt and pulls her shirt up over her head. It’s the first time I’ve seen her fully naked. She’s beautiful. Her soft curves and generous bosom and her round bottom. No hardness, no sharpness, she is love personified.  Venus made flesh. And the steel inside her is more impressive than a thousand muscles and sculpted stomaches.  She turns away from me slightly as she slips on the dress. Her movements have a grace that make me ache, that remind me of memories and movements so long forgotten, and a peace and sunlight I never thought I’d see again. The dress is beautiful, it shows off her figure in a tasteful, almost chaste, Tara kind of way. But still, I can’t help but think she is more lovely without it. She turns around and looks down at herself.

 

“Um, so, what, what do you think?” She blushes.

 

“You’re lovely,” I say and then have to swallow because I’ve got a lump in my throat or something.

 

She blushes and smiles and I find myself standing and walking to her.

 

 **********

 

Spike cups my face in his hands and I look into eyes that are so blue and hold something so…lovely, so flattering, that I can’t speak. He leans forward and then we kiss, softly at first, just nuzzling as we always do, but this deepens until I feel like I’m drowning and I get feelings I’ve only ever had with Willow before, feelings that I’ve been glimpsing with Spike and now I know.

 

I pull back, gasping.

 

He nods once, and removes his hand from my face.

 

“Remember you’re lovely,” he says.

 

And I watch as he buttons his jeans and grabs his coat and leaves. 

 

********

 

I only see Buffy once before the wedding. She comes round to tell me to mind my manners and not cause any scenes. Yeah I get the staking threat. We both know it means nothing though.  She stands there then, as if she’s waiting. And it’s odd, because for once I don’t bother making suggestive comments, don’t bother trying to rile her or even seduce her. I just sit there and watch her. She looks tired, tired and unhappy. She gets edgy. But I still do nothing. I don’t know why, but I don’t want to do anything. I just want this unsettling gnaw that starts inside me whenever she’s near to go away. She pauses for a moment more, then must decide that sex isn’t going to be happening tonight unless she makes the first move. And then must decide that she’s not going to do that. She looks suddenly relieved. And also oddly, that doesn’t offend me. It does make the gnawing stop a little though.

 

“So Spike, have you got the happy couple a wedding present yet?” she asks, and she seems almost pleasant suddenly. Like now she’s willing to make conversation.

 

I shake my head, no. “What do you get a thousand year old vengeance demon who makes more money than both of us would see in a year?” I ask.

 

Buffy sighs. “Tell me about it. I know this sounds really bad, but this wedding is turning out to be really expensive. I mean, I have to buy the bridesmaid dress and shoes, and then there’s the present, not to mention clothes for Dawn.”

 

She sits down then and before I think about it, I put my arm around her.

 

“Here now, don’t get yourself into debt cause of it, love, just tell ‘em you can’t afford it. Harris would understand leastways. Both of ‘em know you ain’t got much of the ready.”

 

Buffy sighs and gives me a rueful smile, a smile that laughs at herself and shares the joke with me. And I feel good. I’m reminded suddenly of the close times we had before - when she first came back.

 

And I feel even better when she’s wakes next to me a couple of hours later, still clothed, and she smiles and snuggles down next to me again.

 

Chapter 7

 I see Tara sitting next to Giles and Dawn two pews down from the front. I slide in next to her. Harris and Anya are holding their wedding in a conference centre. Apparently enough of her side have an aversion to holy iconography to warrant a non-church wedding. Which I’m not complaining about, mind. Last time I was in a church…think Buffy dropped an organ on me.

I give the Nibblet a wink and she smiles at me, and the Watcher graces me with a nod. But Tara quietly slips her hand in mine. 

“Having fun yet pet?” I murmur. She looks lovely but not as good as the first time I saw her with that dress on.

“You wore a suit,” she says, a look of wicked amusement playing around her eyes. I don’t dignify that with a comment, but I do raise an eyebrow and give her my best lascivious look. “You’re fairly dressed up yourself love,” I say, taking in the makeup and the way she’s done her hair. She blushes but that wicked look doesn’t disappear.

“Have you seen Anya’s friends?” she asks in a low voice. I look over to the other side of the congregation. The guests look normal enough, human, all that, unless you happen to be say, a Witch or a Vampire.

“Nice glamours,” I murmur. I nod my head at Rupert. “The Watcher know?”

“I think he knows they’re coming. I just don’t think he can see them,” Tara whispers.

I smirk. “Which means he won’t know he’s meeting a demon til they’re introduced.”

“I *can* hear you, you know,” Giles mutters. “And yes, I am well aware that Anya has invited creatures from hell to her wedding.”

Tara turns bright pink but I lean back in the pew and smirk at the Watcher. He returns my look steadily. Yeah, we got an understanding now, me and Rupes.

 

***********

The wedding was beautiful. Xander was nervous and so was Anya. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Anya nervous, but she was today. Nervous and radiant. They love each other so much, despite their differences. I watch Willow talking with the other members of the wedding party. She’s Xander’s Best Person, and Buffy’s the bridesmaid. The real Scooby gang, Xander, Willow and Buffy. And now Anya’s there, somehow accepted into the mix. I think about my date with Willow and how I could be back there too now. How things could just go back…except they can’t. I look over at Spike, he’s sitting opposite me at the table. He glances over at Willow then winks at me.  I smile, then the MC announces the bride and groom’s first dance. Xander and Anya walk onto the dance floor and a Celine Dion song begins. They move together beautifully, so much in love. They seem perfectly happy.  Then Buffy and Willow follow them onto the dance floor. Their dance is a little more…modern, and a lot less close. Then Xander’s parents and two of the demons get up.

I glance back at Spike and wonder if I should ask him to dance. He’s watching the dancing too, and as I turn back to him, he raises his eyebrow questioningly then starts to get up. 

“Tara?” I turn around and see Willow standing there.  “Do, do you want to dance?”

I smile. Then remember Spike, I turn to him and he just smirks and shrugs. I blush and tell Willow, yes.

***********

I watch Red take Tara out to the dance floor.  Watch their nervous first movements together. Watch as they start to move together, closer.  Watch as Tara smiles, then laughs and I can still hear her laughing that same laugh for me. I need another drink.

I see the Slayer then, talking to one of Harris’s work pals. Ought to go ask Buffy for a dance, I s’pose. But I don’t. Not that I don’t want to…it’s just things have been so good between us in the last few days, don’t want to see the look of disgust or shame that’s going to come when I do.  So I don’t and I have myself another drink. And I watch Buffy walk onto the dance floor with Work Pal and I see Tara and Willow lean in close together.

“Hey Spike?”

I look up and see the Nibblet.

“Yeah Bit, what is it?”

“Aren’t you going ask me to dance?”

So I do.

**********

I see Spike over Willow’s shoulder, leading Dawn out to the dance floor. I’m surprised when he takes her hands and starts dancing with her in a very old fashioned way, slow and graceful. He leads Dawn through such complicated moves. Suddenly I recognize the discontent inside me for what it is, jealousy.  I bite back the feeling, remembering that I’m with Willow.

“Spike’s good isn’t he?” Willow says then, and I realize she must have noticed my preoccupation.

And I know the right answer and I say the right answer, but I hate myself for lying.

“I prefer dancing with you.”

And I turn away from Spike and concentrate on Willow.

********

When the bloody awful song stops, I lead Dawn back to her seat.

“God, Spike that was so much fun. Where did you learn to dance like that? No wait, don’t tell me, hundred and thirty years of being dead.”

I smirk. “If you must know. I learnt it at school. Something they taught young chaps in my day.”

It makes her laugh and she tells me to stop it and that I sound like Giles.

“Spike!” the word is hissed and I feel a dead, heavy feeling in my guts as I look up and see the owner of the voice.

“Slayer?”

“Can I have a word please?” And she drags me off over to a crepe decorated wall. I wait for her to speak.

“You…you dance well.” It’s a stiffly given compliment.

“Ta love. You’re not so bad yourself, if I recall.”

She tries hard not to blush and gets straight to the point.

“Can you please not encourage Dawn?”

 I frown.

“What are you trying to say Buffy?”

“Nothing. Forget it. Just, I don’t want Dawn thinking there’s more than there is.”

I look at her curiously.

“You saying the Nibblet’s got a crush on me?”

Buffy glares at me.

“Yes. That’s what I’m saying.”

I chuckle.

“Well least someone does.”

“Spike!” That hiss again. “Look just, don’t pay attention to her, please?”

I nod.

“Right. So, no babysitting, no rescuing, no looking after whilst Big Sis battles Hell Gods, then?”

“You know what I mean.”

I sigh.

“Yeah I do.” I look around, not sure why I want to get away from the woman I love. Something about the earlier part of this conversation has destroyed all the comfortable relationship we’d developed again in the past few days. “Having a nice party then pet?”

She looks down, about as uncomfortable looking as I feel. Wonder if it’s because we’re in public. In the light. Where it’s not ok to not hate me.

“It’s good. You?”

“Yeah, all right.” I consider her, and decide to go for it. “How about a dance later then love?” I remember other less platonic dances we’ve had as she tilts her pretty face up towards me.  My voice lowers with the thought. “You know I’ll make it good for you.”

Another blush, and Buffy looks away, and I know it’s all down hill from here. Sex and us don’t make for friendship.

“Maybe,” she says.

“Right, yeah. Well you’d better get back to your dance partner over there. He’s looking a bit lost. I’ll just go take myself off to a corner where my very presence won’t cause any harm.”

“Spike- I didn’t mean that.”

But I almost don’t hear her, because at that moment I catch sight of Tara and I see her put her arms around Red’s waist and rest her head on her shoulder.

“Yes, you did. Now let me get drunk in peace.”

*********

As the music stops, after the third song, Willow and I draw apart. We smile shyly at each other.

“So um, I’d better – you know, go back over to the bridal party. Speeches and everything.”

I nod. “Yeah, I’d better sit down too – Mr Giles is looking lonely.”

Willow smiles, and I smile. And suddenly I remember our kiss. I can’t believe I had forgotten about that. It bothers me that I had.

“So…bye!” says Willow with her nervous, bright, Willow voice. She’s starting to be herself again.

“Bye!” I say, with a pretend wave.

“Oh! I didn’t mean that as a, that’s it for tonight bye…I’ll come back in a little while. I’d just better be polite-“

I nod. I know.

I walk back to my table and I notice Spike isn’t there. I see Dawn laughing with some girls her own age by the buffet table. Mr Giles gives me a polite smile as I sit down.

“So, you, uh, had a nice dance then?” he asks politely.

I nod.

“Where’s Spike?” I ask.

Mr Giles looks around.

“Uh, I don’t really know. Buffy dragged him off somewhere…”

“Oh. She, um, did he do something?”

And why does the idea of Spike and Buffy having a…moment…together bother me. I’ve been dancing with Willow all evening.

“Oh, probably not. Spike’s become something of a scapegoat for all of Buffy’s troubles of late. Oh, there she is now, over talking to the happy couple.”

Spike isn’t with her and I can’t see him around. I hope he hasn’t left. I hope he…I hope things didn’t go badly for him with Buffy. I do hope that. I do.

********

Harris’s Uncle Rory is a good bloke. We sit at the bar together and get nice and pissed. And I don’t look around to see what any…particular people are bloody doing, cause it’s their own bloody business and they can just fuck off.

 “Don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?”

“Sod off Rupert.”

“Your liver I suppose, but think of the example you’re setting to the children.”

“The children can go get addicted to crack cocaine and die of syphilis for all I care.”

“Charming Spike. It’s just as well I know you don’t really mean that.”

“Yeah well, why don’t you have a drink Watcher, makes this party a hell of a lot more fun. Ain’t that right Rory?”

Rory holds up his drink in acknowledgement.

“Sides, there’s lots of demons here tonight. Might just get myself drunk enough to start a fight.”

“You might get your ass kicked is what might happen.”

I smirk.

“You know I’m a fucking hell of a lot older than you boy,” I say to him. “So you can drop the Dad routine and get yourself a scotch on the rocks or whatever it is you drink.”

“Bourbon, neat,” he says.

*******

 Willow is sitting with me and we are drinking some punch with rather dubious alcohol content.  It’s late. I rest my head on my folded arms and smile.   This is nice, and I am less nervous. We’re just talking about the wedding, about little things that have happened to us recently. Suddenly Willow asks.

“Can we please just get back together now? I mean, I know there are issues, but, but, things are good aren’t they? And you like me still and I know I still love you…”

Oh no.

I sit up.  I’m not ready for this discussion. Not yet.

“Willow-“

She sighs. “I know, I know, you’re not ready yet.”

“I just-“ I bite my lip and look down.

“I mean we kissed and there were tingles, definite tingles…you felt tingles?”

I blush.

“There…there were tingles…but that doesn’t mean-  I mean Willow, you still aren’t better yet-“

“But I will be soon and why can’t you be with me until I am? It’s not like you even use magic.” She looks away frustrated. “God, Tara, it’s like you’re scared of it or something. Is it the whole demon thing? Because it’s not bad-“

“I know, but it *can* be bad, you know that better than anyone. And, and I thought you’d want to be away from the temptation to use magic of any kind…”

“I’m not going to never use magic again. I will, when I’m better, when I’m over…over the dark, icky kind. But I will get better and I’ll be able to use it again, safely. I want you to use it with me…”

I look away.

“If you can’t do without magic then you shouldn’t use it…” I say quietly.

“I can do without it. I haven’t done anything since, since the accident. I *can* do without it. I’m just saying that in the future I’ll be able to use it if I need to, for good reasons…”

I flush at her angry and defensive tone. I can’t deal with this. I know I’m being selfish, I should be here, helping her, but if everything I say and believe is wrong…I stand up.

“I…I’ve got to go-“

Willow stands quickly.

“You’re going? Why? Tara, don’t, wait. I didn’t mean- You’re punishing me because of that? How can you treat me like this? You know I love you-“

“Willow! No. It’s not- I’m not punishing you. I just, it’s just *this*” I gesture broadly, indicating the situation. “I don’t want to argue with you about magic, I don’t have to-“

I turn to go, but Willow grabs my arm.

 “I suggest you let her go, Red.”

I look up and see Spike standing there…swaying slightly.

“Spike! This is none of your business,” snaps Willow.

“She don’t look happy Red, an’ I care about her, so I’d say it is my business.”

Willow grits her teeth and something…wrong…flashes in her eyes.

“I *said* *back* *off* *Spike*.” Willow’s voice is almost a growl. It scares me. And I realize that it’s not for myself, it’s for Spike.

“Spike,” I say, laying my hand on his arm. “It’s ok. I’m ok. Really.” I need him to go. Now.

Spike raises an eyebrow and looks from me to Red.

“Sure pet?”

*******

She tells me yes, but I see nervousness on her face, smell fear, hear her heart racing too fast. It makes me want to…do damage.

“Please, Spike, it’s ok. Hey, can you go check on Dawn for me?” I hear the emphasis, hear her trying to tell me some…thing, bloody hell, it’s me! She’s worried bout me! I look at Red, then back at Tara, and back to Red and I see why Tara’s so worried. Red’s fairly losing it.  Something dark crackles across her eyes.

“Love, how about you go check on Dawn,” I say.

“Dawn is fine,” hisses Red. “But I think *you* should go somewhere else Spike.”

I look at Tara. She saw the darkness too and she’s trembling now. Bloody hell. Know I’m making Red worse. Know I’m not helping the situation, but I’m not going to leave her here. I look at Tara once more and her eyes plead with me. An’ I give in.

I nod.

“I’ll be at the bar,” I say.

And I walk away. I walk away and leave Tara. Knowing how scared she is of Willow’s dark side and everything. I walk away. And I fucking hate that I do. And I fucking hate that I can’t pick her up and carry her off and sod Red and her delicate wiccan fucked up sensibilities. And…just bloody hell!

I need a drink.

*********

I watch Spike walk away, grateful for his support, and grateful and relieved too that he understood and left.

“I should go,” I whisper.

Willow’s eyes fill with tears.

“Baby…please, you…you’re scared of me?”

I swallow.

“I, I don’t think this is going to work…I remember now why I left in the first place-“

“But I wouldn’t – I wasn’t going to use magic. You know that-“

I nod sadly. I know Willow didn’t use magic. I know she is trying. I know, I know, I know.

“But I don’t want to be the reason for you to use it. I saw…how hard it was for you to…not use it, just now.”

Willow shakes her head. “It was just Spike, being a buttinski. I was just…annoyed with him. It’s none of his business…” She frowns and says mockingly, “Someone he cares about? Since when does Spike-“ I involuntarily glance towards the retreating figure and I realise my mistake as suddenly Willow’s eyes widen. Her words trail off. “Care…about…you…he said it *is* his business…you and Spike? What did he do to you? He did something to you- I’ll kill him.”

And then the darkness fills her eyes.

********

“Willow NO!”

I hear Tara’s scream before it hits me. Electricity. Pouring through my body, throwing me to the floor, making me bite my tongue and spasm and spasm and oh fucking bloody helllllll….

And then it stops.

And I feel wetness on my face.

And I feel hands on my body.

And I feel something light inside me.

Something soft.

Something healing.

I focus. And Tara is leaning over me, tears running down her facing, falling on me.

Think this is the closest I’m ever going to get to an angel.

“Love,” I say and it’s a statement rather than a greeting.

“Yes,” she says. And it’s an affirmation rather than a response.

I sit up. Painful. Bloody painful. She touches my face and then stands and helps me to my feet.

All I can look at is her face. Pure, angelic, Tara.

And her looking up at me like that. Like…how I want her to look at me. Always.

And we leave.

*******

 I feel everyone’s eyes on us as I help Spike walk out of the reception hall, but I don’t care. Don’t care because he is more important than any of them. And I’ve just realized it.

We only make it outside the door before Spike sags and slumps against the wall. He chuckles weakly.

“Worse than the chip going off that was.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault. Red then?”

I nod.

“I’m sorry,” I say again.

He looks at me carefully then, and it’s a look that makes me turn to jelly.

“Her loss.”

“Yes,” I say. “It is.”

And then he’s standing and I’m moving towards him, and his arms are around my waist and he’s pulling me to him, and we’re kissing. We’re kissing.

And there’s more than tingles.

*****

Chapter 8

 Love, not unrequited, just unconsummated. It’s a different situation to be in. Typical fate, that Tara should love a creature in a male body and that I should love a woman who lusts after her own sex, who loves me only for who I am. Not sex, not lust, just me, just love.

 It’s worth it. Sides we make do…not completely unconsummated.

But I know she notices that I do desire her. That my kisses are getting too fervent, that I hold her for too long and that I’m ready too quickly. I know she notices.

I also know she likes what we do, I know she is aroused by it. I know I’m not too bad a lover, for a man.

We make an odd couple, the two of us. It took the rest of them awhile to accept us. But then, they never spent much time with us anyway. I think Buffy was actually relieved. Made it easier for her to resist my not inconsiderable charms knowing that I was with someone else. Sides someone else wanting the soulless demon made her feel better about herself. Suddenly started hanging around a lot, asking us both places. Think she felt she ought to keep an eye on me, make sure I didn’t hurt Tara.

 Willow hates me. Don’t blame her. I hated her too, when I thought she had Tara.  Hated her when she was hurting Tara. Think if it weren’t for Tara tellin’ her in no uncertain terms what she’d do if Red magicked me again or either of us for that matter, then I think I’d be a pile of dust by now. Still, when Tara snuggles up to me, I think it’d be worth it too. Willow’s behaving anyway, think she values the friendship Tara offered more than anything. The girls had a long talk I take it, rather Tara did a lot of the talking, and Red did a lot of promising. And so what if I’m extra special attentive when Tara gets back from a visit with Red? That’s what you do, isn’t it, when you don’t want to lose something good.

*********

It was hard, giving up indecision and giving myself over completely to the idea of being with Spike.  And it took a while for me, and him too I think, to adjust to the idea, as well as my friends. The whole making of a choice, no matter how easy it was at the time, to be able to let go and embrace one option, embrace the possibility of Us was hard. Hard, and incredible and amazing. I find myself laughing sometimes when I think about it, and I can’t believe I did it, that I decided I wanted Spike. And yet, when I’m lying in Spike’s arms, it seems the most natural choice to have made. He…he still has feelings for Buffy, I know. And that’s ok because I still care about Willow, despite how angry I was at her for hurting Spike. But Spike and I do love each other.  I can hardly believe sometimes that Spike could love me like he does. I’m as amazed about that as I am about my own love for him. I know also that he’s being very patient with me, not pushing, accepting what I can offer him sexually. He says nothing but in heated moments he sometimes pulls back and lies quiet for a while, and I know he’s trying to control himself. I want to tell him to let go, but I’m not sure I’m ready…yet. I think I will be soon. 

I think about Spike while I sit through yet another too long class. He is beautiful. I’ve known that for a long time, but now I crave that beauty, want to touch it, hold it.  Kissing him sometimes doesn’t seem enough. I need him to touch me and pleasure me more and more lately. And I need to touch him too. And suddenly I realize that it doesn’t matter to me that he’s hard and sharp, not soft and curved, that he doesn’t have breasts, that he isn’t even alive. The shape Spike comes in doesn’t matter. I want him, I want the person that is Spike. I think about him and I don’t see a man, I see Spike.

And that evening, when he walks across campus to meet me, I accept the warm and tingly feeling I get at the sight of him for what it is. Desire. 

*********

 Tara looks at me intently all the way back to her room. I stop her at the door.

“What?” I ask.

She blushes, which makes it all the more interesting.

“Do, um, do you want to, um…” She stops, then touches my hand and looks up at me then, underneath her long lashes. “Tonight?” she asks.

I swallow hard, not sure if I’m understanding correctly, and hoping I am.

“You sure love?” I ask, thinking this a safe bet.

She looks up at me properly then, and lifts her hand to my face.

“We can see how things go, but I don’t not want to…”

I give her my patented sex-god once-over look then, which always makes her roll her eyes and smile.

*********

Things are different, when we get to my room. I’m not sure what to do, and I think Spike is trying not to scare me off. He takes off his coat and sits down, waiting.

I look around the room, and realize that this is a big deal. I’m going to have sexual intercourse. With a man. I shake my head. With Spike. With the person I love. I glance at Spike and smile ruefully at my own silliness.

“Should…um, I think we need candles.”

He raises an eyebrow, and I realize that what I said could have been taken in a bad way and I blush.

“Candles would be nice pet,” says Spike ignoring any double meaning if he heard it.

I feel him come up beside me as I start putting candles around the room. He lights each one and then when I am finished he runs his hand over my shoulder and steps closer to me.

“Whatever you feel like doing tonight love, and nothing more,” he says. I nod and smile at him, I know what I want to do, but his reassurance makes me feel better. He smirks then, and adds, “Can’t say I don’t want you though.”

I smile and look at him archly as I press forward just so, so that I feel his erection against me, and his eyes flicker shut for a second.

“That’s very good to know,” I say.

Spike makes a soft, pleased and satisfied sort of sound and his lips brush against mine. My lips part and the soft touch becomes something deeper and harder and I press into Spike. He pulls back, sighing into my hair and trailing kisses along my cheek.

“Love you Glinda.”

And then he picks me up and carries me to my bed.

I watch him, so beautiful as he lies beside me, arching over me slightly as he places soft kisses on my face, as his hands trace the shape of my body. I run my hand over his shirt, feeling his sculpted form beneath it. I remember how beautiful and unreal he seemed when I saw him without his shirt. I remember the glimpses of pale skin under his jeans.

“I…I want to see you naked,” I say.

He looks at me curiously, questioningly.

I place my hand on the side of his face and kiss his lips. “I want to.”

And he nods, serious, and stands up. He undresses for me. And he’s not trying to be blatantly sexy or make a show, he’s just undressing, watching me, trying to gauge my feelings. That in itself makes it more erotic than anything I could imagine. Finally he pushes his jeans to the ground and he stands before me completely naked and erect. He is beautiful. 

“Ok love?” he asks with the faintest smirk.

I can’t hide my smile as I blush and nod, I feel the heat rising within me.

He holds out his hand to me and I take it, standing and he pulls me closer so we’re almost touching. I reach out and touch his chest, running my fingers over his smooth, hard body.  I look up and see Spike watching me.

“You’re beautiful,” I say.

He reaches out and pushes my hair back from my face.

“So are you.”

I run my hands over him some more, enjoying the feel of his hard smooth skin. It’s like velvet. Tentatively I place my hand on his penis, eliciting a soft moan from Spike. His hands open and close gently on my waist. The action reminds me of a cat, kneading its paws in contentment. 

I feel Spike’s hands slide up over me then, and then his fingers pull at the ties on my blouse. 

******** 

I press Tara back onto the bed. Her fingers play over my chest, over my sides to sweep down over my backside and thighs. The wonder on her face and the impressed look when she saw me naked are doing plenty for my ego. I remove her blouse, exposing her glorious breasts. I run my fingers lightly over each, and she seems to like that. And then I push up her skirt, revealing her knickers. I kiss her briefly between the legs and then take off her skirt. She helps me take off her blouse and then I kiss my way back down to her knickers again. She lifts up so I can pull them down and then she’s naked before me.  I run my hands over every inch of her wonderful warm skin. She’s beautiful, the way she arches up and smiles at me, the way her eyes are dark with desire and her cheeks flushed.  The scent of her arousal is strong and sends all the right messages to my groin as I part her thighs and sink between them.

*******

Spike pleasures me with the same skill and finesse that he always does. But tonight there’s something more - in the way his hands glide over my entire body, the way it feels as if his eyes are stroking me too. I feel as if he’s possessing me.  The pleasure builds inside me as he takes me to that point that he always does, the point at which I want more and more, until finally I orgasm.  Tonight, however, he stops before that blissful moment and moves his mouth away.  I feel his finger slide into me. It is followed by another and I arch up as his lips return to my clit. I press against his fingers, wanting more, and I know this is the right time.  I feel Spike’s lips then on my thigh, then my belly, then my breasts as he kisses his way up my body. My fingers slip from where they were twined in his hair and I run them over his forearms, his back, his face as he comes up to look at me.

*******

I look into this beautiful giving creature’s eyes and all I see is want. There is no hesitation and no fear.

She nods and I shift over her, removing my fingers and placing my cock at her wet, swollen opening. 

“Missionary position, love,” I say. “For the first time.”

She nods and smiles at this, and I push forward, just a little, making her gasp and lift her hips up towards me.

“Ok?”

She nods.

“It’s probably a little late to ask if you’ve ever had anything bigger than my fingers inside you love. Don’t want to hurt you, but there could be some bleeding.” I hadn’t felt a hymen when I was touching her and I know Tara’s not technically a virgin, but not having had much experience with deflowering humans I really wouldn’t know. Apparently women can lose their hymens doing all sorts of wholesome outdoorsy kinds of activities. 

First time for me too, this is, in a way. I kiss Tara at this thought. It occurs to me that my chip may have something to say if I do hurt Tara, but right now my cock thinks it can handle any debilitating headaches that may be caused, not sure how well I’ll cope with Tara hurting though. Got to make this good for her.

Tara blushes at my question.

“There…we’ve…um…a dildo…a small one…bigger than your fingers though.”

I grin.

“Now love if I’d known that I would’ve got you to use it for me. Would like to see you playing with your naughty toy.”

She gives me a womanly, knowing look.

“I’d rather you do this first,” she says.

I bend down and kiss her, and holding her close, push in some more. I feel her, quivering around me, fragile and strong all at once, and so hot. So very hot.

“You’re so beautiful,” I say. She smiles at me and I see tears prick her eyes. I stroke her face, and kiss her again.  I push forward a little more and Tara lets out a small moan.

“Ok pet?”

“It’s good. Different. Don’t stop.”

I pull back, just a little, then push forward more. Tara is panting now, and I feel her heart racing beneath me. I give once last push and am sheathed completely inside her. I close my eyes for a moment, letting the intense sensation wash over me. When I open my eyes I see Tara looking up at me.

“Good?” I ask.

Tara smiles as best she can.

“Good,” she breathes.

I nod and pull out and start thrusting, slow, gentle strokes. Been wanting to do this for so long. Hope she likes it.

Tara begins to move her hips, meeting my thrusts, making them stronger, harder.

“Good?” I ask again.

“Very good,” she gasps, her eyes still so dark and lust filled. She touches my face. “Is…does it feel good?”

“Very, very,” I say.

*******

 

Spike’s expression is so loving, and he seems so overcome by this, that it makes me want to cry. And this feeling of him inside me is so intense I don’t know whether its pleasure or bordering on pain. His pelvis rubs against my clit as well, sending more pleasure spreading through me on each thrust.

“We can stop whenever you want to love,” Spike says then and I realize he’s stilled and that he’s watching me.

“No, I’m, I’m fine.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, want you to like this.”

I smile and touch his face. “I do, I like it.”

He bends down and kisses me then and starts thrusting once more, slightly faster.

“Won’t come in you love,” he says. “Need to go too fast to do that yet.”

“Its ok-“ I start to say but he silences me with a kiss.

 “So hot,” he murmurs as he pulls back. “So tight.”

I wrap my legs around his waist and try to match his quickening thrusts. He deliberately presses his groin against my clit on each thrust and his head dips down to toy with my nipples.

It’s so good, I feel the pleasure rising.

“Yes Tara, come for me pet, come for me.”

And then I do. Wave, upon wave of pleasure crashing upon me. It feels like when I came with Spike or Willow’s fingers inside me, only more so, with my vagina walls clenching around his penis.

I cry out, and again as the throbs run through me, and Spike groans.

“God, yes, Tara, yes.”

I lie there shuddering for a moment, with Spike stroking my hair and kissing me gently. The kisses feel so good and my body feels all tingly. I let out a short laugh and smile at him.

“All right then?”

“That was…so intense.” And I laugh again. Spike kisses me again. With a little bit of discomfit he pulls out. He’s still hard. I reach for him, but he stops my hand.

“Enjoy your orgasm time pet, I just want to watch you.” He props himself up on one elbow and starts to stroke himself.

I wrap my arms around him and try not to fall asleep. I reach out my hand and trace my fingers along the curve of his throat. Spike groans, so I touch him again, and reach up and kiss him there, just in the dip of his collarbone. He gasps and lies back on the bed. I kiss up the column of his throat and nibble his ear lobe then kiss down his neck again, this time with small nibbles. I find an old, old scar, twin bite marks, and taste it with the tip of my tongue before grazing it with my teeth. With a jerk Spike arches up and gasps out my name as he comes.

I want to explore his body, find all the other secret spots that make him…react.

 

*******

I lie back and pull Tara tight against me.  I feel completely happy if that’s at all possible.

“Can I turn you love, keep you forever?” I ask, though I don’t really mean it. I’d keep her forever if I could, but I could never…change her.

She giggles from where she’s snuggled against me.

“You like me bitey?” she asks.

“Yeah love, very much.”

“Hmm,” she says and plays with my nipple. The soft, delicate touch of her fingers tracing over my chest sends shivers through me.  I roll over suddenly, catching her under me.  I look down at the most beautiful creature I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.

“Hmmm indeed,” I say. I’m getting hard again, just looking at her. “So this is what being naked with you is like.”

She gives me a wicked look and shifts under me just so.

“I like it,” she says.

“You do, do you?”

She nods and says seriously. “Uhuh. I think we can do this more often, if you like.”

And I laugh and lean against her for a moment overcome by just how bloody lucky I am.

*******

 I like the way Spike looks at me, his bottom lip catching between his teeth for a second, the way his eyes trail over my body, the way he looks like he wants to sink into me completely. As he bends his face down and nuzzles at my jawline, at my ear and then my neck, I arch up to him, wanting to feel his body against me again.  He groans and laughs a little.

“Too nice,” he says. Then says in a mock American accent. “You make me want to be a better man.”

I can’t help but smile.

“Was that Jack Nicholson?” I ask sceptically.

He growls, an actual growl. “Yes!”

And I laugh and he pulls me against him and we roll over and over until he’s above me again.

“You do though,” he says. “You treat me like I’m a better man than I am.”

I’m not sure what to say.

“You are a good person, Spike. That’s why I love you.” Then I smile. “That and the not having to breathe…” And I do my best impression of him raising his eyebrow.

He laughs.

“Don’t need to tell me twice love,” he says, moving downwards and proceeding to give me my second orgasm for the evening.

********

 “How did I find you?” I ask her, later, when we’re both too tired to shag.

“You didn’t,” she says softly. “I think you were drunk and I found you.”

“Yeah you did, didn’t you? You were warm and soft and exactly what I needed. Need,” I amend.

She’s silent for a bit, and I think she’s asleep, but then she speaks again, the best words she could tell me.

“I’m happy Spike.”

I hold her tighter.

“Yeah love, me too.” She snuggles up against me and we arrange ourselves into sleeping positions we’ve become accustomed to over the last few weeks.

 And I think that no matter what happens, it will be worth it, for this moment.

*******

The End

 

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