The two slept soundly together, his arm draped over her, protectively. The man began to stir, as the early morning light began to fill the room. He quietly got up and headed to the shower, careful not to wake her. He had an early shift at the hospital that morning, but didn't want to wake his sleeping girlfriend. He wanted to get this day over as quickly as possible. Today would have marked his deceased daughter's birthday. "Hard to believe she would have been fourteen," he mused to himself as he stepped into the shower, letting the warm water run over his body. He finished up, and quickly shaved and dressed. As he walked back into the bedroom, Abby began to wake.
"What time is it?"
"It's 6:15."
She looked at his drawn face. "Are you alright, Luka?"
"Yeah I'm fine."
"You look sad."
"I'm fine Abby." He sat on the bed next to her, leaned over and sweetly kissed her forehead. "I'm due in at 7:00. I'll see you later?"
"I'm in at 9. Can we have lunch together?"
"Of course. Go back to sleep for a while."
"I will." She paused, and tentatively said, "I love you, Luka."
"I love you too." With that, he kissed her again, and left the apartment, headed to the hospital for work.
Abby rolled back over in bed, but she couldn't go back to sleep. She knew that something was bothering Luka, but she didn't know what. Getting him to talk was difficult, and she didn't know if she could do it. All she could do was be there for him.
**********************
"Ready for lunch?"
"I just have one more IV bag to change. I'll meet you in the lounge in five minutes?"
"OK."
Luka walked off to the lounge to sit and think for a few minutes. He pulled the picture of his wife and daughter for his wallet, and traced the outline of his daughter's face. "Papa loves you, Jasna. Happy birthday" he whispered, returning the picture to his wallet.
"Luka, I'm ready... what's wrong?" Abby sat on the couch next to him, resting her hand on his arm.
"Everything is fine Abby, I'm just a little down. I'll be fine." Luka didn't like to talk about being sad for the loss of his family. He wanted people to know that he had moved on with his life, even though there would always be days that he was sad. He especially didn't want Abby to know. He was afraid it would hurt her if she knew that he still thought of his family, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He wanted his future to be with Abby, not alone with his memories.
"Luka, you can talk to me. I won't judge you; I won't be upset. I don't like to see you hurting like this."
"I know, Abby. Thank you." He rose from the couch, offered his hand, and smiled. "Let's go get some lunch."
***********************
"Dr. Kovac, 28 year-old woman, 34 weeks pregnant. Water broke and contractions began following MVA. No LOC, but nasty laceration on her forehead. Contractions 5 minutes apart, husband is on his way."
"Abby, bring her to sutures, and bring a fetal monitor and ultrasound in there. Chuney, call OB and let them know we'll be sending her up as soon as we stitch up that abrasion. Ma'am, who is your OB?"
"Dr. McLucas. I'm not due for another two weeks."
"Don't worry ma'am. Well get a look at your baby while we stitch you up. It's a little early, but your baby should be fine. We'll give him steroids to help his lungs mature if we need to."
"Dr. Kovac, OB wants you send Abby up with the patient. They had two nurses go home sick, and they're short."
"O.K. Abby, you go with her as soon as we're done."
"Okay." They stepped away from the patient. "Will you come find me when you're off?"
"Mm-hm." He nodded. "I'll come up to OB later."
"Thanks." They gazed at each other for a moment, but were jerked back to reality as the patient began to scream when another contraction hit.
"Ma'am, we'll have you up to OB in just a few minutes."
**************************
At 6:00, Luka finished his paperwork for the day, and gave Kerry a run-down on the day's events, also explaining that Abby had been floated up to OB. He then went to the elevator, and headed up to OB's floor.
As he walked down the hall, he paused at the nursery window. He stared at all of the newborns, and felt that all-to-familiar wave of sadness come over him. As he stared at the tiny lives, the door inside opened, and Abby brought the newest of the newborns in. As he looked up at her, he began to choke back tears. The sight of Abby with the baby cased a hurricane of emotions for him- not just sadness for the family that he had lost, but trepidation about the future he wished to have. On the one hand he was still hurting, on this day more than others. On the other hand, there he saw what he hoped would be his future. He had tried for so long not to think about the future, so he wouldn't be hurt or disappointed. But seeing Abby with that baby- he knew what he wanted.
Abby put the baby in his bassinet. The delivery had gone smoothly, and she turned the baby and mother over to the post-partum nurse. When she stepped out of the nursery, she saw Luka, still staring in the window. He had one arm crossed over his chest, the other with his hand pressing against his lips. Abby could see a tear rolling down his face.
"Luka, please don't tell me that you're fine. Please talk to me."
"Not here."
They walked out of the hospital together, and to Luka's car. They drove to Abby's apartment in silence. As soon as they stepped in the apartment and sat on the couch, Luka's walls came crashing down, as he began to sob.
Abby held him, rubbing her arms along his back. "Please tell me what's wrong."
"It's May 8th."
"May 8th?"
"Jasna's birthday. She would have been fourteen today." His sobs had quieted, but continued.
"Oh Luka, I'm so sorry." She continued to hold him.
"I miss her and Marko and Danijela so much. I know they're in a better place, but it hurts so much."
Abby continued to hold him, and to rock him back and forth. She didn't know what to do or say. What could anyone say to ease his pain?
"I wonder what Jasna would look like now, I wonder if she would be good in school, good at sports, or music, or dance? Would she want to be a doctor, like me? Would she be hoping to date now? And Marko, he was just a baby. He looked a little like me, but would he grow up to look like his mother? What would he want to be when he grew up? And Danijela, she wanted us to move. She wanted to have more children. Would we have done those things? Would they still be alive if I had just listened to her?"
His cries had diminished as he talked. He grew quiet, and rested his head against Abby's chest. He began to feel better, safe and whole in her arms.
Abby continued to hold him, running her hand through his hair. They both sat in silence for a few moments.
"Luka, I think I have some cake mix in the kitchen, and I know I have ice cream."
Luka looked at her, puzzled.
"For Jasna's birthday. She needs a cake."
Luka smiled. "You're right." They stood from the couch, and retreated to the kitchen to make a cake for his daughter. They stayed up most of the night, having a birthday party.
"Happy birthday, Jasna." Luka whispered those words in the dark, after Abby had gone to bed. He smiled to himself, and then climbed into bed with Abby, and put his arm around her, as he did every night. He fell asleep with thoughts of his future with Abby dancing through his head.