Vital Stats
| Birthdate: | March 1962 |
| Height: | 5'4" |
| Weight: | 110 lbs. |
| Dress Size: | 5 |
| Shoe Size: | 8 |
| Name: | Jocelyn Renee |
| Location: | Morgantown, WV USA |
Conventions
Throughout this site, I will refer to genetic girls as GGs and CD/TV/TG/TS individuals as “girlz” or “gurlz”. There is no offense intended, I just needed an easy way to deal with pronouns.
Who I Am
In the alphabet soup that transgenderism has become, I consider myself to be a transvestite (TV). For me, that means that my femme side is more than a fetish, but less than my whole identity. First and foremost, I am a man, a husband, and a father. I relish those roles and cannot envision a time when I would desire to give any of them up. Rather than being at odds, my male and female sides now coexist peacefully, which is a somewhat new - and entirely pleasant - experience.
Why I Am
I have no idea why I am a transvestite. More importantly, I no longer care. I've spent the last 31 years researching, questioning, analyzing, and fighting. Frankly, I'm exhausted. I figure it this way, God granted me the gift of life; it's my responsibility to make the most of that gift and not question why I have been “burdened” with this particular challenge. Is that a cop-out attitude? Possibly. Am I just plain wrong? Maybe. What I do know is this: since accepting this side of me and working to find a balanced way to integrate my femme side into my life, I'm happy. I feel settled for the first time in my life. The war is over; the only questions left are the terms of surrender.
Jocelyn Emerges
My early life is textbook TV: saw my mother panties, thought it would be a good idea to put them on, and discovered that it was the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced. Strangely, I don't remember exactly what age I tried my first pair of panties. I do remember that by sixth grade, I was wearing a bra and panties nearly every chance I got. Once I discovered girls and started dating, Jocelyn completely disappeared and I never recall once thinking about her throughout the rest of my teen years.
It wasn't until I was 21 that Jocelyn reappeared. I came home from work one day and my girlfriend's bra was laying on the bed. I knew immediately I had to put it on, and in an instant Jocelyn was back. This time a little stronger and more insistent than before - and accompanied by a raging erection! Hmm, this was new and not altogether unpleasant. Over the next several months I plunged in with both feet. Borrowing things from my girlfriend became inconvenient, so I bought my own panties, bra, and pantyhose. Whenever the chance arose, I would wear them around the house and even started wearing panties and hose under my male clothes.
After the initial euphoria of my discovery subsided somewhat, the questions and shame began. It's a long, boring, well-known story that I don't care to relive. Suffice it to say that the over the next five years I constantly struggled to push Jocelyn out of my life. Sometimes I would succeed for months at a time, only to have her pop up again and again.The worst part of this period is that I was utterly alone in my struggle as I was too afraid to share my secret with anyone.
Jocelyn and I Get to Know Each Other Better
My relationship with my girlfriend had been going down hill for a long time, but I was too consumed with myself to notice. When the breakup finally came, I can't say I was surprised. Probably more relieved than anything else. At the age of 27, I was alone for the first time in twelve years. So, I emptied my bank account, packed my car and started driving South. No planned destination and no friends at the other end; just a desire for a change. I stopped in Jacksonville, FL to get gas and thought, “This looks like a nice place to live.” By the end of the following day, I had an apartment and had work through a temp agency. My first placement was assisting a software quality assurance company with a large project. The assignment went so well I was offered a position managing their publications division.
Being alone and having no friends gave me the opportunity to dress every night. It was here that I bought my first wig and began experimenting with makeup. I dressed almost every night, enjoying my time just lounging around. It was a glorious time! It was during this period that I made a life-changing discovery: I was not alone.
It seems silly now, but for many years I actually thought that no other man in the world ever wore a dress. Well, at least not any straight guys like me. The revelation came when I was surfing around on America Online and accidentally discovered a CD forum. I was shocked. Here were hundreds of men, maybe even thousands, that were just like me. Same beginnings. Same struggles. Same everything! I spent hundreds of hours online every month devouring every piece of information I could find (not to mention sending waayyy too much money).
This was a period of great discovery for me, and one of great peace. The only problem was I had decided that while I was sorting my life out, I would not seek out new relationships that may be complicated by the indecision in my life. Between that and spending most of my free time dressing and chatting online, I had become a hermit. I really missed my friends back home and absolutely hated the Florida summers, so I decided it was time for Jocelyn and I to go home.
I Meet My Soulmate
I had only been back home a short time when I saw my future wife for the first time. I was walking down the street and noticed a woman sitting on her front porch with a little boy. She said, “Hello” and we briefly exchanged pleasantries, but I knew instantly that I was going to marry her. A crazy thought since I had no idea who she was, she was apparently married, and I would likely never see her again. But the thought persisted the rest of the day.
I had pretty much forgotten the incident when I ran into her again a few weeks later. I stopped off at a convenience store to buy a Coke and there she stood, this time with a man - apparently her husband. Again, something told me, “There stands your future wife.”
A few weeks later a dream job opened up at the business next door to that convenience store. I landed the job, with just the tiniest bit of fudging of my resume and quickly settled in, forgetting about the mystery woman. I had only been there a few weeks when in walks, you know who, with resume in hand. I sat there staring at her, without words or even a coherent thought. She was hired and I quickly learned that her name was Tonya, she was divorced, was no longer dating the man I saw her with, and (this is the unbelievable part) she had worked with and been friends with my mother the last five years. But wait, it gets better. My mother absolutely hated my old girlfriend, and all during the time she worked with Tonya, she had constantly pestered her to ask me out! OMG!
A little complication had emerged in my plan to marry Tonya and live happily ever after. My old employer in Florida was begging me to come back. A substantial raise, a one-week cruise to the Bahamas, and the use of the owner's summer “cottage” (with walkin closets larger than my whole apartment) was in the offing. Hmm, double my current salary, free cruise, and big house versus an, as yet, nonexistent relationship? What a tough decision...NOT! I'm a romantic at heart and a big believer in listening to that little voice; it took me all of 1 second to say “Thank you, but no.” I have never regretted that decision; not for 1 second.
Jocelyn Starts Thinking About Men
When we were married, Tonya had a 5 year old son. Our first daughter was born one month after we were married - OOPS! - and our son was born 14 months later. Plus, a week after we were married, we quit our jobs and spent every penny we had to start our own business. Well, I'm exaggerating a bit here: we had 27 cents left in our bank account on opening day. Between nurturing a growing family and a new business, I had no time to even think about Jocelyn. I purged all my gear and never regretted it once...for the next five years.
Then one day it just happened; Jocelyn was back. I never know what triggers the feelings. Sometimes I just look at a pair of panties and it clicks; other times it's a process that builds. Whatever the reason though, each time I successfully force Jocelyn from my life, she eventually comes back, stronger than ever. Next thing I know, the secret stash is back and growing. What to do...I really love this woman and she loves me. She'll understand. But, what if she doesn't? Now there are children and a business to think about. I have responsibilities that are larger than me.
So I did what any irresponsible person would do and chose to ignore the problem, hoping it would go away on its own. But of course, the problem didn't go away. It just kept getting louder and more insistent. And now I had the added bonus of lusting after men. This thought first entered my consciousness back when I was in Florida, spending so much time chatting online. I always played it off as something that only manifested itself when dressed. Hey, it was only part of the “illusion” of being female. I certainly didn't think that way when I wasn't dressed. Why, that would mean I was gay, or something, and I knew for a fact that couldn't be possible - I didn't even like show tunes!
Possible or not, there it was, the elephant in the room. About this time I had met some other girlz online that lived fairly close. During the day I worked in our home office so I could be there to help with the children. At night I would go into our office and catch up on work. So most nights I was free to dress while I worked and chat after finishing. I was becoming more and more curious about “exploring” with a sister and had met the perfect gurl online. We had been chat buddies for months before we met in person. Ultimately I decided to not pursue the sexual angle because I didn't want to cheat on my wife, but I was sorely tempted.
Tonya Discover Jocelyn
About five years into our marriage, business is good, our children are healthy, I get to spend as much time as I like dressed, and my relationship with Tonya is good. One night I come home after working late and there is my wife with that dreaded “we have to talk” look. I knew instantly...why had I decided not to dress that night. Then my gear would have been at the office and Tonya would not have stumbled onto it. But I didn't, and she did. The “look” was there, but it was softened somewhat by a slight smile as she said, ““Why didn't you tell me you were a cross dresser?” Good ol' Tonya: she made the discovery early in the evening, feed the kids and got them off to bed, and went on the Internet to do research so should could gain some insight and talk to me in an intelligent matter.
There were questions: Do you want to become a woman? Are you gay? Is this because of me? I answered everything immediately and honestly and then she had a revelation for me: she was incredibly turned on by it! Woa, where did that come from? It seems that for many years, she had been curious about being with a woman and had experienced all the attendant guilt that sometimes brings on. She also told me that she had always felt slightly intimidated by me and that knowing this made me seem more “human”” to her.
We stayed up the rest of the night talking. Towards morning she asked if she could see “Jocelyn” and I panicked! In all the years I had considered telling her, I never considered what it would be like to stand before the woman I love while wearing a dress. I felt extremely vulnerable, but at the same time, felt liked I owed it to her. So she spent the next hour or so doing my makeup and trying on different outfits. Tonya and I are nearly identical in size, so of course, I used to “borrow”” her clothes. Now she knew why she was always losing things.
Jocelyn Makes Her Public Debut
That night opened the floodgates and over the next several months, we talked quite a bit and resolved that we should begin to explore some of our fantasies. Over the years I had done hundreds, if not thousands, of “tranny walks”. You know, the ones where you get all dressed up and drive to another town for a 5 minute walk around the block - utterly terrified and exhilarated the whole time. But, I had never taken Jocelyn out into a public venue. Dreamed about it everyday, just never had the courage to take the plunge. So, Tonya decides that we are going to get all dolled up and go to a Halloween party at a gay bar.
Going out in public was always my ultimate fantasy, but now that the possibility was staring me in the face, I realized I was scared to death. In the weeks leading up to Halloween I worried that we might run into someone we know, or that people would laugh. That was the worst fear. After all these years I had finally come to grant myself some acceptance and that could be shattered in an instant.
The day finally arrived and I don't believe I was ever more nervous in my life than when I was standing in line to get into the club. We had been standing in line all of 3 seconds when I noticed that the person in front of us was none other than our oldest son's teacher. Best of all, we had just had a teacher/parent conference with her the day before. My brain was screaming ““run”, but my wife held onto my arm, smiled, and made a point of introducing me to the teacher. She hugged us both and said she appreciated the fact that we talked to her and made her feel at ease about being at the club. Turns out she is a lesbian and was terrified one of the parents would see her going into the club.
Everything began to change for me right then and there. I realized that everyone of us, to varying degrees, has something they are trying to hide. How ironic that while I was worried that my son's teacher would see me, my son's teacher was worried that I would see her. More importantly, it's a wasteful way to spend one's life.
Anyway, after what seemed like an eternity, we made it into the club and on our way to the bar we run into five clients! Each time the reaction was overwhelmingly positive and so, I was set for the evening. There are so many times when I almost called the evening off; what a disaster that would have been for my development and my sanity. We had a great time that night and resolved to go out as often as we could as two girlfriends.
Jocelyn Goes Into Hibernation...Again
Over the next several years, we went out many times and made a great many friends in the community. Then, about five years ago, it just stopped. Jocelyn was gone again and I really don't know why. I purged...again!....God, that is such a stupid thing to do. The kids were older now, so it was more difficult to get away. We had expanded our business and were quite busy. There were probably dozens of little things that contributed to it, but I just completely lost interest. One day, we were cleaning up and I came across my clothes, etc. and just threw them out; thought I wouldn't need them anymore. For all the new girls out there, heres a tip: NEVER, EVERY THROW YOUR STUFF AWAY! Being “T” is for life. If you feel like purging, do yourself a favor and lock it away somewhere - or donate it to me, I'm a size 5!
Jocelyn Reemerges...This Time for Good
Last January I noticed I was in a bit of a funk. It was nothing I could put my finger on, but I wasn't motivated and suffered from a general lack of energy. We had immersed ourselves more and more into our business and drifted away from a lot of friends. It had been ages since Tonya and I had just gone out and danced. I was discussing this with a friend of mine and he asked when was the last time I had dressed. Click; instant rejuvenation!
So how do I know this time is for good? Well, the way reintroducing myself to Jocelyn reinvigorated me, gave me my first clue. Like I said in the beginning of my bio, I am first a man, a husband, and a father. My job is to provide a male's influence to my children and to be a husband to my wife. To me this job is a sacred vow and I will suffer any inconvenience and put my needs in the background in order to be the best father and husband I can be. The problem for me has always been that I viewed Jocelyn as a separate personae. Something I could only indulge when my other jobs were done. Since being a father and husband is a lifelong, full-time commitment, finding time to indulge was difficult at best.
What is different now, is that I realize that Jocelyn and I are the same person. We're two parts of the same whole that Tonya fell in love with, that my friends and colleagues respect, and that my children are proud to call, “Dad”. My femme characteristics make me a better man, a better husband, and a better father. It's truly a shame that I spent the better part of 31 years fighting with myself, only to come to the only sensible conclusion: Jocelyn is me; I am Jocelyn.
The past few months have been a blur for me. I've started shaving my body again, got my belly button pierced, keep my nails fairly long, and trim my eyebrows. I'm sure some of these changes are noticeable to my friends and family, but adults don't comment and there has been no change in my relationships. Some of my nieces have commented about my nails, but I simply say, “Yes, don't you love them?” They agree and then move onto other topics. Some of our female customers have even commented about being a bit jealous of them. A truth I have learned time and again is that people that love and respect you, will always love and respect you. Those that don't understand, never really loved you in the first place.
Where Do I Go from Here
Several years ago I came out to some of my close friends. In the past several months I have come out to some of my older nieces and several other friends. Our oldest son is serving in the military and just returned from Afghanistan; we plan to tell him when he comes home on leave. Tonya and I have discussed telling our two youngest children, but have decided to put it off for now. We are both quite sure they will handle the news in stride, but we feel that now is not the best time for them to absorb this information. They are just entering puberty and we think it's best if they are able to find their own way without any extreme influence.
We have started going out again. The club is under new ownership and none of our club buddies from before are in town anymore, but we have met a few great people and now are at the point where people stop by our table to chat. I am not planing to come out specifically to anyone else, but I'm not hiding deep in the closet either. Nearly every time we go out, we run into someone we know. So far, every encounter has been enormously positive - maybe even a little inspiring for some. Like I said, everyone has something they try to hide from others. Fear of rejection is a powerful motivator. If, by being out, I can help even one person feel a little bit better about whatever they are fearful of, then all of the pain/confusion I've suffered over the years will have been worth it.
My greatest desire, at the moment, is to find some gurlfriends. I know they're out there, but living in a small town keeps many of us deep in the closet. But, I figure I'll just keep putting myself out there and it will come in time.
But Jocelyn, What About the Sex?!
OK, I know, I know...inquiring minds want to know! Well, I don't discuss specifics about my sex life in public, but I can talk about it in a general way. And, with friends I am quite outspoken. Since I'm not friends with all of you...yet...you get the generalities.
First, I absolutely adore my wife and all of my love is reserved for her alone. If you've gotten this far, you know that I'm full of words (among other things), but I don't have the words to adequately explain how deep my love and admiration for my wife go. I absolutely know beyond any shadow of doubt that she was created especially for me. She has been my partner in every sense of the word and she has been there to nurture and love me since nearly the first day we met.
As to my sexuality, I am bisexual. Please don't write to me to tell me bisexuals are just too scared to admit they're gay. First of all, you don't know me, so you have nothing to base that opinion on; secondly, you're wrong; and lastly, I don't care what your opinion is on this subject.
One of the great things about being a transvestite is that we get a lot of attention from men. Like any self-respecting girl, I love every minute of it. It's hard work turning a drab man into a (hopefully) sexy girl, so I appreciate being noticed. Unfortunately, I find the approach of some men to be a bit irritating. I won't presume to speak for other gurlz, but here are some tips if you want to get to know me.
- Want to get to know me — This seems like a no-brainer, but it's surprising how many guys just want to skip this step. Ahh, who am I kidding? It's really not surprising at all. The sexiest part of the body is the brain. I want to know your interests and have a meaningful conversation.Don't be afraid to open up and talk. I can't tell you the number of emails I get that consist of, ““Hey, you have a nice a**, wanna f***?” WTF?! No name; no information whatsoever. How am I supposed to respond to that? Do you use that line on people in real life? How's that workin' for ya?
- Don't tell me you are “straight” — Under the dress, I am a man. You know that; you specifically are seeking me out because of that. So if you tell me you are straight, I infer that you find it shameful to be bi or gay. Since I am bi, that attitude won't cause me to swoon.
- I don't do quickies and I don't do “discrete” relationships — Meeting someone in a motel for a quickie is dangerous and stupid; discrete relationships are demeaning. Don't get me wrong: I am a mature individual; I won't show up at your job and I won't spread your name around. However, I'm not a toy to be played with in secret. If you can't be seen with me in the club, you can't see me at all.
- I only meet people in the club — See above. I'm looking for friends first and foremost. I feel comfortable at Vice Versa and that's where I prefer to spend my limited time as Jocelyn. Plus, I get cranky when I don't get my dancing time in.
- Don't tell me you'll make me feel like a woman — I already feel like a woman. Instead of telling me that, show me that you see me as a woman by using proper pronouns and treating me the same way you would treat any lady you meet. If you slip up and refer to me as “he”, no harm, just apologize and move on. However, if you keep making the same mistake over and over I will get irritated at some point.
- Above all, just be yourself — Treat me with the same respect you treat anyone you want to befriend and you'll have a loyal, caring friend for life. Now get busy, email me, and tell me all about yourself!