Dear Mrs Treadwater,

I am writing in response to your letter of the fourth regarding your daughter Ersatz's recent conversion to a vampire and to address some of the concerns you raise in your letter.

May I begin by ensuring you that, apart from her sleeping in her coffin all day, you should not notice too many obvious changes in your daughter's behaviour. You should also remember that although your Ersatz is now a nefarious creature of the night, she is still the sweet little girl who has been your daughter for the past fifteen years. Her attempt to rip out your husband's throat is certainly not typical vampiric behaviour and can probably be put down to an everyday teenage strop. After all, she is not a werewolf! (Werewolves suck). You need not concern yourself with whether your husband caused any permanent damage with his reaction, the stake has to be wooden, MDF has no effect.

As to the other points you raise, I would suggest that a simple hanging of garlic around the house and a few strategically placed crosses would offer far greater protection to your family than your present threat to stop her pocket money should she attack anyone. There is no reason to feel threatened by any of her friends. Beefy is a fictional character and in real life there is no such person as a "Slayer". Nor do you need to feel concerned about any special dental requirements caused by the addition of fangs. A diet of pure human blood is very kind to the teeth. Indeed you should bear in mind that, although you may notice signs of apparent unhealthiness, (a pallid complexion, vacant stare, a lack of cheerfulness), her new diet is in fact one of nature's great health foods, packed with minerals and general goodness.

I hope this letter will alleviate some of your concerns, and should you have any further questions please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Eldritch Harrington-Cawfield, British Union Of The Undead.

Dear Mrs Treadwater,

May I begin by apologizing for any offence my off the cuff remark about werewolves may have caused. Please ensure your brother that I am not a monsterist, and that indeed, many of my best friends are werewolves. I accept fully his point that it is, in fact, vampires who suck, whereas werewolves rip and gorge.

As regards Ersatz, the fact that she was a Goth before becoming a vampire is extremely helpful. Having already got into the habit of sleeping all day in a coffin she will find the transition far less painful. It also explains the fact that she has a bit more colour in her face and is slightly more cheerful than before. The upset tummy was probably due to a drop of bad blood. This sort of things does happen, and there is very little one can do about it, (except perhaps avoid Welsh victims).

Regarding your other point, I think you are wise to employ a night tutor for Ersatz Her education is no less important for her future now than it was before, it remains the foundation of a good career and do not hesitate to remind her that even the undead have to live.

I am, once again, your servant,

Eldritch Harrington-Cawfield, British Union Of The Undead.

Dear Mrs Treadwater,

Again I must begin by apologizing to your brother. Please assure Dafydd that I have a great deal of respect for Wales and the Welsh people.

Regarding Ersatz's attack on your husband and his subsequent elevation to a state of of undead, I think it is all too easy to dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives.

For example, I mentioned in an earlier letter, the nutritional value of human blood is highly underrated. Your husband will, for example, consume hormones from both men and women over time, and this will bring certain benefits, (if I may be so bold to mention this), at times of intimacy. We are all familiar with the old vampire joke : "Is that a crowbar in your pocket or are you just glad to suck my blood?", but how many realise how in touch with our feminine side we male vampires are?

As regards your concerns about the welfare of the remainder of your family, you would probably be wise to avoid upsetting Ersatz as your husband did by criticizing her boyfriend, but if you follow my earlier advice about crosses and garlic, then you shouldn't experience any problems.

Yours as always,

Eldritch Harrington-Cawfield, British Union Of The Undead.

Dear Mrs Treadwater,

Please extend my most sincere apologies to your dear brother for the most unfortunate mix-up. The handwritten note that was inadvertently sent with my last letter was intended for my secretary, and was never intended to be posted on to you or anyone else. I accept that the wording of the note :

"Go through this with a fine-tooth comb! Make sure there's nothing that'll upset this woman's humourless, sheep-shagging, full-mooner of a brother!"

... was offensive and insulting. I can assure him that there was no malice intended on my part, but that my sense of humour was open to misunderstanding. At no point was I trying to suggest that he, or any of his countrymen, were involved in some sort of perverse sexual activity.

Regarding your query as to whether your husband should inform his employer that he is now a vampire, I would advise against it. Although they portray themselves as an Equal Opportunity Employer, The Blood Transfusion Service have a dreadful record in their mistreatment of vampire staff.

I hope this advice is helpful to you.

Eldritch Harrington-Cawfield, British Union Of The Undead.

Dear Mrs Treadwater,

Please assure your brother that when I used the word perverse, I was using the word in its widest meaning. The choice was a poor one, perhaps I should have used the word "exotic". Obviously, his choice of sexual partners is a matter for him to decide. I have neither the right, nor the inclination to criticise his lifestyle in any way. Indeed I would go further as state that if we are going to go around condemning people on the grounds of their sexual preferences or what sort of inhuman monster they are, then we are no better than Nazis. I myself have a pet snake, and although I do not have a physical relationship with it, I feel a great deal of affection for it and often take it out for a drag.

In reply to your query, I am afraid that anyone who is bitten by a vampire will either die or become a vampire themselves, regardless of where they are bitten. It is not for me to speculate what Ersatz was doing when you saw her, but she was most certainly not sucking blood from her boyfriend's penis.

My regards to all your family,

Eldritch Harrington-Cawfield, British Union Of The Undead.

Dear Mrs Treadwater,

I do seem to have developed an uncanny knack of putting my foot in it as far as your brother is concerned don't I? I have no doubts that his work in Poland during the war was misrepresented at Nuremberg, and, although I never had the pleasure of meeting Mr Hitler, I am sure your brother's view of him as a "charming, caring man who wouldn't hurt a fly" is an accurate one and that his tireless work for charity has been ignored by historians ever since.

It seems that I must also apologise to you for the misunderstanding in my last letter. As you mentioned Ersatz's boyfriend's penis I had naturally assumed that it was your delightful daughter who was performing whatever was being performed. I'm afraid that the answer remains the same whoever was doing it, but it is good to see that your husband appears to have got over his earlier misgivings about Ersatz's young man.

The problems your daughter is having with her makeup is a common one and due entirely to the fact that she no longer casts a reflection. We have produced a small booklet of tips with makeup for vampires which I have enclosed. Although it is primarily aimed at older female vampires, I hope Ersatz will find it of some value. Normally we charge £1.99 for this booklet, but in view of recent misunderstandings with your brother we are happy in this case to waive this charge.

I am going on leave for a week, but if you have any questions during this time, my assistant will be more than pleased to deal with them.

Yours

Eldritch Harrington-Cawfield, British Union Of The Undead.

Dear Mrs Treadwater,

I am writing on behalf of Mr Harrington-Cawfield who, as I believe you have been informed, is currently on leave.

I am afraid that I cannot deal with your query about "the incident mentioned last time", as Mr Harrington-Cawfield has taken the key to his filing cabinet away with him so I have no access to any earlier correspondence between you.

I can however respond to your concerns over the animosity from local people towards your husband and daughter following the increase in disappearances in the local area.

This is a common problem, sadly. Vampires are among the most misunderstood and maligned groups in society today. So many people assume that because we spend eternity walking the earth seeking out innocent victims and draining their bodies of every drop of blood, we are automatically bad people. Most vampires are kind and caring and do a lot of good work. Unlike werewolves, who are hairy-backed thickheads who act tough but would frankly rather have sex with a sheep than kill one, we are sophisticated monsters, (except of course those vampires from Wales). You will probably find that the anti-vampire groups in your area are sexually inadequate and mentally deficient, the type of people who, in the 1930s were flocking to the fascists in Europe.

All I can suggest is that you continue to give your husband and daughter your support during this difficult time.

Yours Sincerely

Elmer T. Tadpole, British Union Of The Undead.