Toot Hill

Mrs Martin-Lear Warns Of "Impending Disaster"

Mrs Martin-Lear has warned a meeting of the WRVS that the village faces an impending disaster following the council's inexplicable decision to grant planning permission for the former "Pring's Garage" site to be used as a video shop. She warned the meeting that the shop would almost certainly hire films which contained lengthy kissing scenes, men without shirts and even possibly nudity and that as a consequence the village could soon become a centre for pornography as notorious as Copenhagen, Amsterdam or Lenzie. Mrs ffyte-Clubbe reassured the meeting that her husband had agreed to shoot the new owners on sight to prevent this happening.

Reign Of Terror Ended

On 23rd of July the village was struck with terror as a youth was seen walking through the village armed with a tennis racquet. The hooligan, who was wearing a black sweater with the threatening message "Manic Street Preachers" emblazoned across the front was clearly up to no good and appeared to be approaching the newsagents, no doubt with the intention of embarking on an orgy of looting and rape. Fortunately Mrs Swindon-Towne was able to contact Cllr. ffyte-Clubbe who was able to shoot the scoundrel before he could see his nefarious plans to full fruition.

War Against Drugs Continues

The war against drugs continues with a very successful village fete which raised £450 to buy firearms and ammunition to keep the violent drug dealers from the "town" away from the village. A special mention must go to Miss Violet Goulden-Browne who alone raised £373 from the sale of her home-grown Cannabis Sativa.

Mass Grave Discovered In Grounds

A mass grave was discovered in the grounds of Cllr. Winthrop fyyte-Clubbe's estate on July the 29th. The grave contained approximately 212 bodies who appeared by their clothing to be youths from the "town" and various foreign criminal types. They appear to have been buried over a period of 15-20 years. Constable Roundbottom has informed us that he is treating the deaths as "unsuspiscious". A fete will be held on August the 31st to raise money to compensate Cllr ffyte-Clubbe for the damage caused to his grounds by the digging.

August 2001		Page One

Welcome to yet another edition of the Toot Hill Parish News. We hope you have had a good summer so far and have enjoyed all the many thrills that have been on offer in the village so far this year and are ready for more in the South of England's hottest go-getting Parish. NEWS: Village Under Siege Sadly we must begin our newsletter with the news that once again the village has been swamped with youths from the "town" running rampage through the village at night drinking coca cola and other American style beverages, talking in loud voices and littering the streets with chip wrappers and empty cans. The 14th of July was a particularly bad night with the waste paper bin being almost full by morning. Mrs Swindon-Towne at The Grange informs us that on some nights these young ruffians have been terrorizing the streets as late as 9 o'clock. There have also been reports of so-called "joyriders" driving cars through the village at 35 mph in clear disregard of the "Please Drive Carefully" signs at either end of the village. Anyone witnessing such behaviour should contact Constable Roundbottom at The Coach and Horses Public House. Crime Wave The summer crime wave continues. On 16th of July there were three reports of milk bottle tops being pecked by birds and Miss Hermoine Hampden-Parke at the library informs us that there are now 4 books that are overdue. A delegation of villagers led by Cllr. Winthrop ffyte-Clubbe visited the home of an Irish family, delivering a letter of protest and shooting their dog in a brave attempt to stem the flow of lawlessness and anarchy. International Harmony Day Ruined Sadly the special events organised to promote International harmony and world peace were ruined by a number of foreigners who turned up quite uninvited. A couple who appeared to be Welsh were seen by a number of people and the whole event was abandoned when three coloured persons arrived wearing loud and garish clothes. Cllr Winthrop ffyte-Clubbe was able to shoot one of these, but by that time it was too late to save the event.		Mrs Martin-Lear Warns Of "Impending Disaster" Mrs Martin-Lear has warned a meeting of the WRVS that the village faces an impending disaster following the council's inexplicable decision to grant planning permission for the former "Pring's Garage" site to be used as a video shop. She warned the meeting that the shop would almost certainly hire films which contained lengthy kissing scenes, men without shirts and even possibly nudity and that as a consequence the village could soon become a centre for pornography as notorious as Copenhagen, Amsterdam or Lenzie. Mrs ffyte-Clubbe reassured the meeting that her husband had agreed to shoot the new owners on sight to prevent this happening. Reign Of Terror Ended On 23rd of July the village was struck with terror as a youth was seen walking through the village armed with a tennis racquet. The hooligan, who was wearing a black sweater with the threatening message "Manic Street Preachers" emblazoned across the front was clearly up to no good and appeared to be approaching the newsagents, no doubt with the intention of embarking on an orgy of looting and rape. Fortunately Mrs Swindon-Towne was able to contact Cllr. ffyte-Clubbe who was able to shoot the scoundrel before he could see his nefarious plans to full fruition. War Against Drugs Continues The war against drugs continues with a very successful village fete which raised £450 to buy firearms and ammunition to keep the violent drug dealers from the "town" away from the village. A special mention must go to Miss Violet Goulden-Browne who alone raised £373 from the sale of her home-grown Cannabis Sativa. Mass Grave Discovered In Grounds A mass grave was discovered in the grounds of Cllr. Winthrop fyyte-Clubbe's estate on July the 29th. The grave contained approximately 212 bodies who appeared by their clothing to be youths from the "town" and various foreign criminal types. They appear to have been buried over a period of 15-20 years. Constable Roundbottom has informed us that he is treating the deaths as "unsuspiscious". A fete will be held on August the 31st to raise money to compensate Cllr ffyte-Clubbe for the damage caused to his grounds by the digging.