Dear Mr Fortnight

I am one of the lawless Labour-voting rogue's from the Town who was involved in the ruthless pillaging of your home recently. Amongst our ill-gotten booty was your computer and, while searching the C-Drive for possible pictures of young ladies with their bosoms exposed, we found the back-up copy of your web-site "the cupboard under the stairs". Looking through this, we were moved by the beauty of your love poetry, found your cookery page to be quite mouth-watering and we shared your pain caused by your continuing battle with the socialists at the BBC over its appalling scheduling of Farscape and it's decision to take Thunderbirds off for Captain Scarlet. I would like to say that your sites "rocks", (that's a Road-Credibile term used by we Working Class louts from the Town which can be broadly translated as "is an absolute delight"). We do hope that when the insurance company compensate you and you purchase a new computer, you will continue with your endeavours.

One thing puzzled us as we ran rampage through your home. Whilst rifling through the drawers in your cupboards we could not help but notice that the six drawers in your bedroom contained: two drawers of identical black Donnay socks, not paired up as our Mothers pair our's; two drawers of identical white Donnay socks with one blue stripe above a red one, again not paired up; and two drawers of identical Donnay boxer shorts, all of which were ragged and torn and that, in each drawer the ragged boxer shorts were hidden by several pairs of impeccable Calvin Klein boxer shorts which appear to have never been worn. My violent and vulgar chums and I have racked our brains for a possible explanation, and unable to find one, we wondered if you might be able to enlighten us.

Yours

Some Roughneck From A Council Estate
[email protected]

Dear Young Roughneck

Thank you for the kind words you have for my website. As one toils for many hours searching one's heart for inspiration one is often racked by doubt over whether anyone will ever appreciate one's efforts and such wonderful feedback is an utter delight or, in your gutter vernacular "rocks" and indeed probably "rolls" also.

As for your question concerning the drawers in my bedroom I can provide the following answers.

As for the two types of sock - black and white, I find that in the modern age there is a definite need for two colours of sock. It may well have been the case that our Grandfathers were able to live with black socks alone, but life was far more formal then. In today's more relaxed and liberal-minded world men are allowed far more freedom of dress and will often, for example want to leave the house in sandals, and on such occasions white socks are far more appropriate than black.

As for all the black socks being identical, as are all the white, this can be explained by my two "Laws of Socks" known as the "First Law of Socks" and the "Third Law of Socks", (the controversial "Second Law of Socks" having been recently challenged in the European Court, but consequentially endorsed by the Toot Hill Parish Council and is now known as the "First Bye-Law of Socks").

The "First Law" states that the if t=s (where t=time and s=sufficient), then S=l (where S=sock and l=lost). It can be summarised as every sock will one day be lost.

The "First Bye-Law of Socks" states that when S=l then T=r (where T=thief and r=ruffian from the Town).

The "Third Law of Socks" states that if S=l then S=p (where p=one of a pair). This can be summarised as if a sock gets lost it will be one of a pair. This Law was famously proven by my now famous Sock Study (1953-68). In this study I would rid my house of all socks bar ten, (consisting of eight odd socks and a matching pair), and by meticulously auditing their existence and location on a daily basis, I was able to demonstrate that, over a 15 year period, the first sock to disappear would always be one of the two matching socks, and that whenever a sock reappeared it would always match the one you started using last week to apply polish to your shoes.

When one of a pair of socks is lost it is a double tragedy, for it's unlost partner is now useless, and condemned to a future applying polish to shoes etc. If, however, one's socks are all identical then the unlost sock remains useless only until a sock from another pair is lost, the two unlost socks being able to achieve a new lease of life as a matching pair in their own right.

As you noted, the socks are not paired since there is no need to pair them, saving you from having to perform a laborious and monotonous chore each wash day.

As for all my socks, as well as my boxer shorts, being of the same brand - Donnay - this is merely incidental, for this is the brand of clothing sold at my local Hypervalue store. I find shopping here to be an enjoyable experience, and the prices are reasonable, though I fear they may now rise as the Hypervalue chain continue to go upmarket and chic, with their stores increasingly resembling those of the trendy, elitist Poundstretcher chain.

The condition of the boxer shorts is due to my dog Shagger. Shagger is an American Shortshredder, a breed with an instinctive hatred of boxer shorts, introduced by a group of unscrupulous foreign businessmen to protect their Y-front conglomerate. Upon seeing a pair of boxer shorts, Shagger will ruthlessly attack them, causing a great deal of damage before they can be wrestled from his grasp.

It is however a fact that, whereas a damaged sock is no better than a lost sock, a pair of torn boxer shorts can continue to be worn providing the damage does not allow any of one's dangly bits to protrude from within, (see my "Only Law You'll Ever Need of Putting On Levi 501's Straight From The Tumble Dryer").

The Calvin Klein boxer shorts, (which as you correctly deduce are unworn), were purchased by my Mother after she saw my tattered boxer shorts on my washing line, and expressing her concern over the consequences of me "having an accident" whilst wearing these. These concerns are, of course, unfounded since the Patient's Charter, introduced by last Conservative Government, states that medical treatment can only be denied on the grounds of the patient's underwear if the underwear is either soiled or garish, regardless of any disrepair.

Nevertheless it is of course always best to placate one's Mother, and I therefore keep these new boxer shorts to hang on the washing line whilst cunningly drying the ones I wear on a clothes horse concealed in my loft. Also by ensuring that my tatty boxer shorts are hidden in the drawer beneath the unused shorts purchased by her, their existence will not be discovered by Mother when she searches my room for illegal narcotics, (like so many middle class ladies brought up in the Home Counties between the Wars, Mother is reluctant to buy her own stuff and will generally steal from my stash).

It has been argued that the sight of tatty boxer shorts might be off-putting to any young lady with whom I wished to embark upon a "romantic encounter". It is my view however that, if the evening has progressed to a stage where the young lady has a view of one's boxer shorts then, providing they are not soiled or garish, the condition of one's underwear is unlikely to be a major factor in the young lady's decision-making over whether to engage in intimacy.

I appreciate however that, with the promise of intimacy so close, it would be foolish to leave this to blind chance. I have therefore devised an invaluable questionnaire which, cunningly disguised as a crude marketing tool, manages to reveal the young lady's probable reaction to the sight of tatty boxer shorts. I will now reveal to you my wooing technique.

Upon arriving home with a young lady, I will offer to make her a nice cup of tea, (an offer no young lady can surely resist), and suggest that, while she is waiting, she fills out a "survey" that I "just happen to have about the house". The survey has 10 innocently worded questions which are:

1. How much do you spend each week on groceries and household sundries? a) less than £1, b) less than £2, c) less than £3.
2. Which of the following luxury products are you more likely to buy? a) cheese, b) scampi, c) nasal spray.
3. How much better was life in Britain under the Conservatives? a) unbelievably better, b) incredibly better.
4. Which of the following hobbies would you say was your favourite? a) ironing, b) housework.
5. How many kettles do you think a modern home requires? a) 1, b) 2.
6. Where do you prefer to shop? a) in the Town, b) in the village
7. How many testicles do you have? a) 2, b), 0.
8. Which of the following fashion items do you regard as "most essential"? a) a head scarf, b) a pair of wellingtons, c) a warm, sensible coat.
9. If you earned £5 "down at the docks" who would you spend it on? a)yourself, b) your husband.
10. Which of the following would most likely lead to you withdrawing a previously made offer of intimacy? a) the discovery that the young man was foreign, b) the discovery that the young man was wearing tatty, (though neither soiled nor garish), boxer shorts of an unfashionable brand.

(Note how, in addition to revealing the young lady's attitude toward your boxer shorts, questions 4 and 9 give an indication of her suitability as a future wife and question 7 stops you making the same mistake Great Uncle Walthinstow was always making).

If the young lady answers b) to question 10, you can excuse yourself to go upstairs to change your boxer shorts, (changing into the previously unworn and undamaged Calvin Kleins), claiming that this is necessary by pretending to have had a sudden onset of Dysentery.

If however the young lady answers, as she most likely will, a), then you can be confident that she will not be put off by the sight of your boxer shorts. As an added precaution however I would suggest that whilst undressing you simultaneously remove both your trousers and boxer shorts whilst distracting her by pointing out a dead rat in the corner of the room, placed there by you earlier in the evening.

The questionnaire technique also offers you the opportunity to ensure the proper maintenance of your sexual health and the preservation of the integrity of your private parts. While she is filling out the questionnaire I call from the kitchen in a matter-of-fact, off the cuff manner, "Oh yes, Did I mention that I have genital herpes?" If, upon re-entering the room with the tea, I find that the young lady is still there, then I ask her to leave.

I hope you find this information useful.

J.Fortnight
[email protected]