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Does anyone know where I can get a TV licence? I wrote to the BBC to say that I wasn't going to buy one as they keep taking Farscape off for snooker and stuff, and they replied by saying I had to by law. This doesn't seem right I know, but I've spoken to my legal advisor, (i.e. my cleaner Mavis, who also does that nice solicitor Mr Wilson), and she says it's true. Apparently they can fine you a lot of money, I thought you just got your name in the Pontypridd and Llantrisant Observer.
Since then I've looked everywhere, (i.e. Tescos and the Spar), but I've not been able to find one. Tonight I'll try the garage and the off licence, but after that I'm at a loose end.
Can anyone help me with this problem? Every morning I leave a £10 note on my mantlepiece for emergencies, but sometimes I get home and it's gone. I've spoken to my financial advisor, (i.e. my cleaner, Mavis, who also does that nice insurance man Mr Howard), and she says that it's because the new paper they use to make £10 notes has a tendancy to disolve in air and that this happens at a lot of houses that she does. Does anyone know of a spray or something that would stop this happening. I asked at Tescos, but by chance I must have spoken to the dullest girl in South Wales, because she just looked at me like I was talking rubbish and giggled. I was going to ask at the Spar, but as I walked in, the girl there smiled at me so I ran away.
Does anyone know if there's a conspiracy against me at the BBC? Every now and then they change the schedule to put on snooker and stuff and it's always programmes like Farscape that they take off. The other week I wrote to complain that they had taken off Farscape for The Royal Welsh Show. This programme was about men in caps looking up cow's bottoms. None of the Farscape fans I know, (i.e. Bertha in Oldham and that Swedish kid with only one testicle), are into looking up cow's bottoms, (except Bertha), so why don't the BBC take off a programme that fans of looking up cow's bottoms watch, (i.e. Buffy the Dragon Killer or Emmerdale Farm). At 6.45, when I should have been watching Farscape I had cows bottoms on BBC2. I turned over to the Welsh News on BBC1, but they were doing a report on cow's bottoms, as they were on the HTV news. On S4C they were doing stuff on cow's bottoms as well, but this was in Welsh so it was okay.
The guy from the BBC wrote a sarcastic letter saying the BBC had no power to take off Emmerdale Farm and that Farscape had only been taken off in Wales.
If there isn't a conspiracy against me, why do they only take off programmes that I like in the place where I live?
Does anyone know where I can get a safe wig? I've been after one for ages, but medical experts, (i.e. Reg in Bolton and that French kid with the sticky out ears), say that there is a proven link between bad wigs and cardiac illness, so I want to be cautious. Style experts, (i.e. Gladys in Romford and that Spanish kid with the runny nose), have given me the address of an online store which they recommend, but since these are the ones who suggested I buy my condoms online from the Catholic Store, I am a little unsure about this. (It was lucky that I was only practising alone with these and wasn't with a girl or something).
My hair consultant, (i.e. my cleaner Mavis, who also does that nice hairdresser Mr Jones), says that if I don't shave my head every morning my baldness will be cured. I will try this and if it works I'll post it up here - I'm sure many men would be interested.
Is there anyone local who can keep an eye on my house during the day? Someone keeps breaking in after Mavis has cleaned and makes it just as messy as it was when I left in the morning. To be honest it's not the mess that annoys me so much as the fact that poor Mavis works so hard at making the house clean and it's all for nothing. She says this happens at a lot of houses she does. My only clue is that they always leave an ashtray full of Superking dog-ends. I know these are Mavis's brand so I suspect they are stealing her cigarettes as well, but I haven't mentioned this to her as I don't want to upset her more. Criminologists, (i.e. Bert in Sheffield and that Latvian kid with the tattoo of Mussolini), believe that someone must have a grudge against Mavis, although I cannot see how since she is such a wonderful woman.
Does anyone know how they catch people without TV licences? I still haven't been able to get hold of one and I'm sure the BBC are after me. My psychiatric advisor, (i.e. my cleaner, Mavis who also does for that nice schizophrenic Mr Harris/Ms Webber), says that I'm being paranoid, but I have pretty strong evidence. For a start in the Pontypridd and Llantrisant Observer each week there is a column called "Look Who Didn't Have A TV Licence". For the past few weeks I have been making a note of the names and addresses of the people listed and I have noticed that, without exception, they have all been from my local area. If the BBC aren't after me, why aren't they tracking down people from elsewhere in Wales, or in England, Scotland or Northern Ireland where there must be loads of people without licences.
I wrote to the BBC to point this out, but all I got was a sarcastic reply saying if I checked the local papers for places like Leeds, Glasgow or Belfast I would see the names of plenty of people who were caught from these areas. However I checked at the newspaper stand at my local Tescos and there are no local papers for these areas, so they are clearly lying.
Does anyone know why the people who do the weather at the BBC are so stupid? Before the weather on HTV they have a person come on dressed like some aspect of the weather. I have noticed that if the woman dressed like a sun comes on, we invariably have nice weather the next day, when the woman with all the water spraying out of her head's turn comes round, it usually rains. I wrote to the BBC to suggest that they make HTV use the sunny woman more often, save the rainy woman for when England are on the verge of defeat in cricket and do away with that little shivery girl all together. This, I suggested would do the country a greater service than their constant harrassment of Farscape fans.
All I got however was a sarcastic reply that they were not in a position to tell other TV channels what to show, and that in any case the people dressed as aspects of the weather did not affect the weather, but were chosen because that was what the weather was going to be like. This is of course rubbish, because to do this the weather forecasters would have to know what the weather was going to be like and unless they are pyschic or something I don't see how they can do this. The BBC must think I'm stupid!
Does anyone know where I can buy a cheap Video recorder. I have tried the off licence and the garage, but they don't sell them. I was going to ask at the Spar, but the girl there said hello in what seemed to be an overly friendly manner so I ran away. Please don't write to suggest MFI, as so-called shopping experts, (i.e. Doug in Falmouth and that Mexican kid with the missing tooth), have already told me this and their advice was crap. The one I got from there didn't even have a plug and the flap at the front where you put the tape in wouldn't open. The tapes from there are rubbish too, as far as I can see they are just cardboard boxes painted to look like tapes. No wonder the guy there laughed so much when I bought them. I was going to complain, but the girl at the Customer Services Desk smiled at me so I ran away.
I need one desperately as mine was stolen the other week. My TV and wireless advisor, (i.e. my cleaner, Mavis who also does that nice TV repair man Mr Williams), says that there have been a number of video thefts in the area lately and that most of the houses she does have been robbed at some point. She also said that she could get hold of one cheaply for me, but I haven't seen her since Wednesday. The local police, (i.e. that nice Sgt. Lewis and that young kid with the dodgy haircut), are investigating the thefts and Mavis has been down there helping them, (she really is a wonderfully talented woman). I did go down to the station to see how she was getting on, but the girl at the desk smiled at me so I ran away.
Does anyone know the name of someone sensible at the BBC who hasn't got it in for me? I wrote to thank them for not taking Farscape off this week, and in the letter I took the opportunity to ask where I could get a TV licence. All I got was a sarcastic reply saying the Post Office, (they obviously know that the girl there always looks at me suggestively when I walk in, so I can't go there).
I phoned to complain, but the girl who answered came straight out and told me her name and asked how she could help me, so I had to hang up the phone and have a lie down.
Does anyone know where I can get a steady girlfriend? I have put an advert up in the off licence, but the only replies I have had have been from cranks who want to know my first name and stuff. The advert I put up in the garage has been just as fruitless, although I did get one reply which seemed promising it turned out that this woman had a beard. I have been unable to put up an advert in the Spar because that girl still works there who's always smiling at me.
People who are red-hot on relationships, (i.e. Steve in Wolverhampton and that Egyptian kid with the mechanical arm), have told me that the girl who cleans my windows really fancies me and that I should ask her out. Unfortunately, as I approached her yesterday, she smiled at me so I ran away.
My romantic advisor, (i.e. my cleaner, Mavis who also does that nice pornographer Mr Smith), says I should contact that girl that I married two years ago, who's name escapes me for the moment. Unfortunately, what Mavis fails to understand is that we were never officially married since when the registrar told me I could kiss the bride I ran away. Besides, this girl was rather pushy and kept wanting to touch my hand and stuff.
Does anyone know a way that I can stop the BBC from hassling me? I wrote last week to complain that I'd missed the first 20 minutes of Farscape because they moved it from 6.45 to 6.25, and all I got was a sarcastic reply saying that the change in time had been well broadcast and that I should consult the Radio Times or see Ceefax to check the times of my favourite programmes. My media consultant, (i.e. my cleaner, Mavis who also does that nice video pirate Mr Parkes), says that she has been hassled by the council over her rent arrears for years and that they send her a nasty letter every three months, but the BBC, to whom I don't owe a penny, (unless you count my licence fee and that's not my fault, they shouldn't make it so complicated), send me three sarcastic replies every week!!!
I wrote to them saying that they shouldn't make it so complicated to get a TV licence and all I got was a form sarcastically entitled "Paying For Your TV Licence Couldn't Be Simpler". This was clearly sarcastic so I threw it straight in the bin.
Does anyone know where I can get a vasectomy for my dog "Shagger"? I am getting all sorts of hassle from the neighbours about him getting their dogs pregnant and I think I need to do something? I took him to the hospital but by chance the doctor I spoke to must have been under a lot of stress or something because he just threw me out and told me to see a vet. My family planning advisor, (i.e. my cleaner, Mavis who also does that nice abortionist Mr Adams), says I had a lucky escape because the doctor I saw was the one who did her husband and afterwards she "fell" for her two youngest, (I forget their names, but they're the tall skinny ginger kid and the one who looks Chinese).
The vet turned out to be a waste of time as the girl there smiled at me as soon as I walked in the door so I ran away. Fertility experts, (i.e. Ron in Wakefield and that Canadian kid with the eye patch), have mentioned a pill for dogs which will stop them getting other dogs pregnant. Does anyone know where I can buy these? I have tried Tescos and the garage, but the off licence was shut and I still can't go to the Spar because of that bloody girl.
Does anyone know of an arsonist who will burn down the BBC for me at a reasonable price, (i.e. under £10)? The other day I wrote to ask whether Farscape would be taken off next week and all I got was a sarcastic reply saying that BBC schedules were always subject to change because of major events in current affairs and that I should consult the Radio Times and check Ceefax. In other words, they didn't know and they couldn't be bothered to find out. I phoned the BBC in Cardiff to complain, but the girl who answered said something in Welsh which I didn't understand, but was probably dirty, so I had to hang up the phone and have a lie down.
This incidently is the second time they have tried to get me to consult the Radio Times or check Ceefax so I'm pretty sure this is how they track people down.
My arson consultant, (i.e. my cleaner, Mavis who also does that nice terrorist Mr Green), is still heavily involved in her police work, so I'm really at a loose end on this one.
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