lists
just lists of stuff
elsewhere
10 more made up facts (the others are further down)
lions and humans are the only mammals who bite their nails
stammering on the telephone is caused by odd-sized feet
as people get older they use the word "interesting" more often
in 1952 a yorkshire terrier called bonzo from lake scholfield in canada guarded a biscuit for 231 days
until 1983 it was illegal to boil eggs in peru
maniacally meeting maureen (1981) is the only pornographic film made entirely in bangor, northern ireland
the singer tom jones began his career in a band called clotbuster
the eighth fact i made up today is the only one that's true
.... except this one
whenever a man has an erotic dream his teeth curl
10 truly famous people whose surnames were first names
billie jean
virgil tracey
buffalo bill
lady penelope
mystic meg
first dan
peggy sue
james joyce
joyce james
prince charles
10 things to do with a sparrow
dare it
spell it
hide it's backgammon board and watch it suffer
confuse it by discussing a greek's spleen
train it to hunt ball-bearings
tell it you're allergic to dots and see it makes a florida connection
wait for it at the barber's
spam it
teach it to cook lasagne
watch as it makes itself sick on cardboard wine
10 pubs that i can't remember the name of
that one in jericho, oxford that looks like a house
that one in southampton where i did that thing with whatshername
that one in dorchester where they do the really great pint of thingey
oh, of course, that one obviously
that one in bridgend where i went with the brother-in-law of the swede, (the archduke van sales).
that one in london with the wobbly floor
that one in glasgow where the barman spoke to me in a language they didn't teach at my school
that one in derbyshire where the barman said everything was better somewhere else
that one in winchester where i met you know who
that one in manchester where i had that lovely draught boodington's
10 types of people to avoid at all costs, (and i mean cross the road quick!)
anyone who's hair is the colour of a bird of legend
anyone who says "i live in glasgow", (nothing wrong with living in glasgow of course - but to own up to it???)
anyone who owns a knife and seems convinced that you promised them a gun
anyone who's political affiliation is dictated by the colour of their football shirt
anyone who doesn't drink beer
anyone who feels compelled, unsolicited, to tell you that they are not a lesbian vampire, (in french)
anyone who recommends a book featuring an amorous giraffe
anyone who phones to buy a dog that their family already owns
anyone who forces you to affirm that you can boogie, even though it is an abject lie
anyone who knows what the hell i'm on about here
10 varied thoughts, concerns and what-nots
at some time in my life i need to come to terms with the fact that having simone de beauoir as wicket-keeper in my fantasy cricket team was a mistake
i do not believe that one can achieve a socialist utopia simply by ordering a sandwich
try as hard as i may, i look at those dot-to-dot things with constellations and i still can't see any pictures
i am incapable of denying anything but my denial
"na na na na-na-na na"
i wish i had a penny for every time i've lost a £5 note, but would prefer a £5 note for every time i've lost a penny
i feel saddened that jeff tracey doesn't realise that the two most talented of the "brothers", scott & virgil, probably aren't his
i still, after all these years, find it incredible that i could have misplaced a testicle, though i am grateful that i found it again
if i were half the man you were i'd be the sum of the square of the other two sides
i know that the world is my oyster because it gave me the shits
10 things that sound deceptively edible
a toilet roll
beefcake
cheesey jokes
blue chips
five-knuckle sandwiches
saute potatoes at the royal glam
the swede
a game of chicken
sprouts
pork pie hats
8 things that are special
k
agent
offer
branch
correspondent
delivery
you - ooooh!
k
9 languages of the visitors to my site during march 2001
english 654
spanish 8
german 5
finnish 4
swedish 3
dutch 1
french 1
greek 1
russian 1
japanese 1
10 films not made in britain or the usa
seven samurai
babette's feast
man of flowers
hairdresser's husband
tin drum
belle et la bette
that obscure object of desire
tie me up tie me down
kanal
les visiteurs du soir
10 inventors, (and the things they invented)
mr smirnoff - the inventor of sleep
mr indesit - the inventor of dishwashers
mr petsmart - the inventor of dogs
mr hand (the job) - the inventor of fun
mr guy - the inventor of fraud
mr dog - the inventor of the roman empire (tell me if you get this)
mr penguin - the inventor of english literature
mr chessplayer - the inventor of campanions
messrs pontypridd & llantrisant - the co-inventors of observation
mr oxford - the inventor of pockets
10 phrases with a number in them
steve's evening out
stone cold sober
sleigh takes a wrong turn
fun in everyday clothing
thrown at woman's hat
things i xeroxed
slept with reeking wench
stuff i've written elsewhere
things we often did
speaking of our dreams
10 things to do on the stretch of main road in llantwit where i live
get a chinese or indian takeaway
walk your dog
have a haircut
spend a fun-packed 20 minutes by the kerbside waiting for a break in the traffic so you can cross the road
go to one of the four pubs
go to the last remaining church
give me a lift if you see me freezing my bollocks off by the bus stop at 6.40 in the morning
pop down to the off licence
make a call from the phone box across the road
get a bus to somewhere else
10 things you can do in a dadaist coronary care unit
play tennis
picnic with a horse
chew your own elbow
put on a nude production of hamlet
serenade a tree
collect the hats of all nations
remove your face to reveal a skull full of baked beans
discuss catering facilities on interplanetary space travel with a man who has ferns growing from his finger nails
bleed vinegar
shop for onions
10 things created (possibly) by satan
daytime television
draw-string tea bags
cardiomemos
metallica
sherry
alarm clocks
sprouts (i'm with mustapha on this one)
the llantwit fardre - ynysmaerdy bus schedule
party politics
white chocolate
8 things i currently have in my coat pocket
front door key
some kitchen roll
a computer disk
a cassette called "i'm your fan" that the swede lent me
a load of scraps of paper with e-mail addresses, mustapha's mobile number, a glasgow phone number etc.
a load of bus tickets and receipts
23p in hard cash
a little reference card from clubber's ecg class
10 really great napster usernames
DaveTheBrickie
badlydrawnbob
SameSizeFeetSarah
insidioussaucepan
blinkingredlight
boiledham
pudding_thief
thirdclass gender
unorthodoxer
EricTheHalfABee
10 facts that i just made up because i'm bored
every year in the uk 4 people die because trees start growing in their stomachs after they've swallowed apple pips
if you drop an ice cube from the leaning tower of pisa it will double in size before it reaches the ground
on march 15th 1937 at a cinema in new jersey, thomas waldo fulcrum sneezed so powerfully that it killed the man sat in front of him
men in scotland can grow a beard faster than their counterparts in wales
when you break wind you create enough energy to start a motor car engine
left-handed people bite their nails more often than right-handed people, but are more likely to own a dog
until 1979 "simple" was an anagram of "awkward"
of every thousand words you say, 17 will be misheard
cigar ash mixed with soot, and rubbed onto the penis is the only scientifically proven aphrodisiac
the ancient egyptians had 84 different words for cheese
10 pieces of dialogue i wish i'd written
"no they were vampires. psychos don't explode on contact with sunlight, no matter how fucking crazy they are"
"excuse me miss, there's milk in my ear"
"if i was a woman i could never have a career, i'd be too busy playing with my breasts"
"there's something rotten in the state of illinois"
"i came here for the waters"
- but we're in the middle of the desert.
"i was misinformed"
"bad day. fuck it"
"sure everybody's heard of them. it's just that we never bothered telling you"
"i was attacked by a hopped up whore and a fucking crazy dentist"
"if a random and arguably inaccurate comment on the impending climate by one overpaid individual in a flowered hat can bring a lifetime's joyful remembrance to one underpaid individual in a flowered hat then the possibilties for happiness on this planet are fucking endless"
"gentlemen you can't fight here - it's the war room"
10 pseudonyms used by members of the magic band
captain beefheart - don van vliet
zoot horn rollo - bill harkleroad
the mascara snake - victor hayden
winged eel fingerling - elliot ingber
rockette morton - mark boston
antennae jimmy semens - jeff cotton
oréjon - roy estrada
drumbo - john french
ed marimba - art tripp
alex st.clair - alex snouffer
10 things i do not do
drive a car
wear a watch
shop for clothes, cds and stuff
pay back money straight away
wake up at 6a.m. feeling cheerful
hate my job
get my hair cut regularly
put the toilet seat down
phone my mum often enough
think about going to florida for my holidays
10 films that i really enjoyed which i saw on double bills
jean de florette/ manon des sources
the big combo/ a touch of evil
godfather/ godfather part two
black narcissus/ red shoes
rumblefish/ the outsiders
10 films i wouldn't mind paying £13.99 to own on video
leon
pulp fiction
blood simple
ed wood
blood wedding
goodfellas
dog day afternoon
king of comedy
the usual suspects
a midsummer's night sex comedy
10 tv programmes i do not like missing
farscape
simpsons
star trek tng
frazier
fawlty towers
star trek voyager
blackadder
thunderbirds
futurama
local heroes
funny
writing
miscellaneous