finalists of the toot hill poetry competion
on the subject of baked beans
elsewhere
Little Round Baked Bean
Little round baked bean,
You are a wind machine,
You give me flatulence
For only fourteen pence.Richard L Newborg.
(Judges comments): We are all familiar with Richard Newborg's astute and acid political commentaries, although he is perhaps better known for his cinematic works, including the classic home-movie "My Son Sam's Third Birthday - The Director's Cut", which won second prize at last year's Toot Hill Film Festival.
This profound exploration of social decay employs an astonishing economy in its provocative use of the bean as metaphor. He sees the human body as an assembly line where nature's beauty, (the bean), is transformed into the ugly pollution of the modern age, (the fart). Note the bitter irony at the end of the piece, where we are reminded that we are actively financing our own demise. The message from this stark, plaintive warning of impending disaster is clear, Mr Newborg places the blame squarely on Tony Blair and that snotty cow who works for the council and the sooner the Conservatives get back in the better.
Mr Richard L Newborg
my hatred for you
every bean i eat is
one
of your
testicles and the sauce is the blood dripping
oozing from
your scrotum
i crunch your bollock you
two-timing bastard how could
you go with Betty Carstump when
everyone knows she gave
Fred Gasher genital
warts?Evelyn Cutfinger
(Judges comments): We are all familiar with Evelyn Cutfinger's gentle pastoral works, although she is perhaps better known for her photographic works such as "Pictures Of Shitface's Little Dick", which were recently exhibited on the Internet.
This enigmatic verse rewards the reader by revealing new layers every time it is read. What appears to be a simple verse on the nutritional value of the haricot cunningly hides a subtext of betrayal and revenge. Reading this piece, one can almost get the sense of, perhaps a lover embarking on an illicit affair. A close examination of the text reveals Miss Cutfinger's true message: "blood dripping oozing from your scrotum" - was there ever a more honest and poignant portrayal of the stealth taxes being used by Tony Blair to destroy the very fabric of Western Civilization; and surely her final words: "genital warts" are a clear condemnation of the council's refusal of planning permission for my proposed shooting range. For her the only hope for mankind is the immediate return of a conservative government.
Miss Evelyn Cutfinger
The Ingredients Of Beans
Beans
Water
Tomato Purée
Sugar
Modified Maize Starch
Salt
Paprika
Onion Powder
Onion Extract
Spice ExtractsClayton Drewbob
(Judges comments): We are all familiar with Clayton Drewbob's complex, yet joyful work. A perennial prize winner in the past with such pieces as "The Ingredients Of Beef Lasagne", "The Ingredients Of Salmon Paste" and of course his minimalist classic "The Ingredients Of Water".
This stunning evocation of the glorious past and dark, cold present is one of his most moving pieces ever. The juxtaposition of light and dark, bitter and sweet reminds us of our mortality, not only as individuals, but as a species. Note the wonderful use of the onion as the bringer of tears and the fact that he employs this vile and putrid symbol of socialism twice. Why? Clearly he wishes to point out that there are two "bringers of tears": Tony Blair and that Mrs Gladys High-and-bloody-mighty Lowdrop with her petty little rules and regulations about so-called "social responsibility". Mr Drewbob's poem carries with it a note of optimism as he reminds us that we can end all this misery and despair by bringing back a good, clean, honest Conservative government.
Mr Clayton Drewbob
The Hounds Of Hell Descend
The mortals sat eating beans
As the Hounds of Hell descended
The vicious teeth bared clean
The mortals lives were ended
Their throats ripped open wide
Their blood and guts spilled all ways
There was no where to hide
As innards flopped and blood sprayed
Now Satan reigned victorious
Now Satan reigned the winner
The hounds howled wild and glorious
And had Mankind for their dinner.Mystyk Death
(Judges comments): We are all familiar with Mystyk Death's witty parodies of the autocratic Trotskyite philosophy of Tony Blair, although he is perhaps better known for his theatrical work, especially his production with the Toot Hill Amateur Dramatic Society of Lady Windermere's Fan with its innovative sacrifice of a live chicken and the Algernon nipple piercing scene.
This sweeping piece employs a subtle, yet acid wit in its exposure of the council's failure to allow me to demolish that eyesore of a hospital and replace it with an aesthetically pleasing shooting range. Note the thinly veiled reference to the arrival in the village of that so-called "Doctor" Logan who is Irish and therefore certainly a terrorist, if not worse a gypsy. As Mr Death, (real name Albert Goodfellow), reminds us, these people are Catholic and will breed like rabbits and before we know it the whole village will be over run with their ever swelling brood selling pegs and blowing up bicycles. This masterpiece reminds us in no uncertain terms of the dangers of not voting Conservative next time.
Mystyk Death
(aka Albert Goodfellow)
Beano Mondo
baked bean
are you a dream?
are you something that has never been
bean?
what do you mean
bean?
do you suggest we are unclean
bean?
have you seen
bean
something green?
are you unseen
bean?
did i trip on you when i was seventeen
bean?Rev. Saffron Ashbury-Carbunkel
(Judges comments): We are all familiar with Reverend Ashbury-Carbunkel's solid traditional verse, though he is perhaps better known for his living sculpture works such as his "Indecent Exposure On The Evening Of March 15th" and its sister piece, "17 Other Offences To Be Taken Into Consideration".
This delightful, yet savage piece is a cry for justice from a community threatened by the twin forces of terrorism and the jackboot oligarchy of Tony Blair's People's Republic Of Britain. His brutal dissection of Mrs Lowdrop's perverse sexual preferences clearly demonstrates the need for a Conservative Government which will pass legislation that will forever bar such lowlifes from civic office. Surely he asks, it is time to act and build the much needed shooting range to rid this village of such vermin as pheasants, ducks and the inevitable products of "Doctor" Logan's vile Catholic loins.
Rev. Saffron Ashbury-Carbunkel
funny
writing
miscellaneous