1. make them a nice cup of tea

still the number 1 cardiac treatment. an example of how it works : patient "t.s." had recently suffered a huge anterior mi. i made him a nice cup of tea and within six months he was back at work.

2. tell the swede a joke

a remarkable multi-patient treatment. an example of how it works : we had five patients in the unit, three mis, an unstable angina and an elective cardioversion. i told the swede a good joke and the elective cardioversion was discharged home within an hour and within three days all of the other four patients had recovered sufficently to be sent to the wards.

3. administer soot liberally.

this treatment is a theoretical one only, but the swede swears by it, so it'll probably work.

4. get the wife's phone number.

patient "w.l." was a 37 year old man with a heart rate of 188. i got his wife's phone number and within an hour his heart rate had fallen to 72.

5. admire a doctor's bosom.

a variant on my famous "admire a nurse's bosom" treatment. an example of how it works : a new female doctor with a medically interesting bosom, was talking to patient "k.g." "k.g." complained of pain. i admired the doctor's bosom and within 20 minutes the patient was sleeping soundly, completely painfree.

6. scratch your arse.

one strictly for those with nerves of steel. example of how it works : patient "d.p." arrested. while everyone else panicked and farted about with the defib and stuff, i calmly scratched my arse. within 2 minutes the patient was back in sinus rthymn.

7. go on holiday

they talk about telemedicine, but we did it first. example of how it works : patient "j.s." was seriously ill. i went on holiday for a week and on my return found the patient had recovered sufficently to be sent to the ward.