Read Debbie's Thoughts as she typed them when she was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  These were her private thoughts and no one else read them until after she passed away....Feb 9 2005 6 months after she started the chemotherapy.

Friday, July 30, 2004 5:30 am

I can’t sleep, so I may as well try and write something I want to be  reading 10 years from now.  It’s been a turbulent week!  Where do I start.  On Monday I went to the doctor and received the most thorough evaluation in my life.  I felt confident that if something was wrong with me, this doctor would find out exactly what it was.  I knew something was up, but I really didn’t consider something so serious.  He seemed concerned, but didn’t discuss his suspicions and said he wanted to move very quickly on this.  So he sent me for a CT scan on Tuesday.  On Wednesday morning he called and said the CT scan showed “abnormalities” in the liver and pancreas, and he wanted me to take a MRI that day so they could define the problem.  Dora came with me for both tests and kept me laughing.  She was responsible for the worrying, so I wasn’t stressed - what a relief.  So Thursday morning I called the doctor for the results.  I called several times and was getting increasingly anxious throughout the day.  My worst, worst nightmare, pancreas cancer, was confirmed when I spoke with the doctor at 5 pm.  The thought that keep running through my head.... how do I tell Larry and Dan?

I had looked up pancreatic cancer on the internet yesterday, after he said abnormalities in the pancreas and liver, and I was concerned .  Dr. Shein said the tumor appears to have started in the pancreas, and spread to the liver.  On the bright side, it doesn’t appear in my spleen, kidneys, gallbladder, fluids, bones, or lymph nodes.  I was pressing him for the size and the stage, but he wouldn’t give me specifics, saying that the diagnosis needs to be confirmed by a biopsy.  He wants me to see a surgical oncologist ASAP.  Then we can discuss staging and treatment.  By the end of our conversation, I realized how bad this was, but he told me not to lose hope. 

After I hung up the phone, I put away my computer, threw out a half-sandwich left from lunch, got my pocketbook, turned off my lights and got up to go.  I couldn’t talk to anyone yet, even though Larry and Mami and Dora were waiting for a call after I spoke to the doctor.  I saw Linda in the hallway and I’m sure she knew just from looking at me but I said I couldn’t talk and needed to go home.  I usually take the train with Linda and Ellen, and they were probably leaving 10 minutes behind me, but I just needed to be alone.  I kept it together on the subway and when I got to Penn Station, I went to K-Mart to buy a box of tissues.  Fortunately, on the train home I wasn’t sitting next to anyone, so it was just me and my tissues. 

I’m allowing a short time for crying, but once the shock has settled, I know I have to turn that energy into fighting this.  But here’s the part that makes me cry, Larry needs me.  We are supposed to grow old together.  I love him so so much - he has made my life better than any dream come true for the past 27 years.  He’s so scared, and he’s not as emotionally strong as I am - he’s going to have a very hard time without me.  We really complement each other, and he can’t take care of himself.  He needs me!  And Dan - how do I describe how very much I love him.  I know he’s an adult, or on his way, but I worry about him emotionally.  He has such a hard time expressing what he’s feeling.  And he’s not done with me either - I plan on seeing him graduate from Binghamton in May.  And I want to meet my future daughter-in-law, but I don’t think he’s meet her yet.  I need to see Dan settle down with a good woman and get a good job before I can stop worrying about his future.  I know he loves me.  I just want him to realize that I know it, and to always know how much I love him and how proud I am of him and what a wonderful person he is.  I think he’s the most sensitive of my three children, but he sometimes hides it. 

I’m glad Melinda is at camp right now, because telling Larry and Dan was hard enough, and I know I have a difficult road ahead.  She will be home in 3 weeks, and her world can turn upside down then.  She loves camp and I want her to enjoy her time there.  She really needs me too, she’s still only 16.  I have to see her learn to drive, study for the SATs in the fall, graduate from high school in two years, and then send her off to college.  I want to meet her first boyfriend, and see her grow into a beautiful young woman.  She still really needs a mother - I don’t think even she realizes how much she needs me, but she’ll be lost without me.

Jack, I have to say, is the least of my worries.  He needs me to e-mail him and keep him connected to his family.  He’s scheduled to be home at the end of October.  I still want him to go to Australia and enjoy his life.  He’s very strong and independent, sometimes almost too independent.  I worry that he’ll forget to be sensitive and help his brother and sister and father get through this.  But how do I tell him this over the phone.  Who will be there to hug him and cry with him over the phone???

So I’m definitely not ready to die.  I’ve got too much unfinished business.  I’ve still got places to travel to, things to see and do.  Too much unfinished business.  But most of all, my family needs me.  Larry knows how I feel about him, but I promised I would never leave him.  I don’t want to break that promise.  And do Jack, Dan and Melinda realize how much I love them, how special they are, and the happiness they have given me.  The very best thing about my life is being their mother.  So please, let me find the strength to fight this and be around for the people that I love. 

Saturday morning, August 21, 2004 6:00 am

Wow, in three short weeks my life has changed so much since getting the news I have pancreatic cancer.  I can saw the word now, cancer, cancer, cancer.  I’m already on Day 12 of my chemo treatments, and I will get better.  I had my time for depression and panic for a few hours the first few days, but I really do believe I will get better.  No bs will be written here.  I’ve written in my head, but it never made to paper just yet.  So much has happened.  Jack was home for two weeks, courtesy of the American Red Cross and Dr. Weiner, no thanks to Dr. Bauer - what a jerk.  Melinda was home from camp for a week and then returned.  I’ve told everyone I know and I’m getting such love and support - I can’t believe it.  I don’t feel alone in this at all.  I never imagined how much people would be touched by the news that I have cancer.  I’ve stopped reading the internet cause the facts are just too gloomy and someone always beats the odds, so this time it will be me.

It’s funny, its like I just knew something was wrong and that’s want prompted me to keep pursuing it.  But I also just know that I will be here 5 years from now.  Ten years may be pushing it, but I’ve got plans in life.

Dora has been so incredible, she’s like an angel from G-d.  I don’t know what I would do without her.  I do know it would be so much harder to go through this without her at my side.  She’s so much  more than a sister to me, I just cry thinking about how I feel about her.  There is no way I even deserve half of what she gives me, but she just keeps on giving.  She takes such good care of me; I can really focus on getting better.  It’s much more than just giving me my medicines at the right time and feeding me and encouraging me.  Her worrying enables me not to expend energy worrying.  I know its selfish, but I’m so glad she extended her ticket and that she will be back throughout the year.  She’s adjusting to not seeing her kids everyday, which is the hardest thing in life for her to let go, plus I’m impressed that she’s giving up her job for a year.  She makes it seem like that’s not a big deal to her, but I’m so honored by it.     

Monday morning, August 23, 2003 at 4:30 am

I woke Larry up.  He still LOVES ME!!!!  He would do anything to take away my pain (but I’m not in pain right now), anything but buy me expensive medicine (ha, ha).  I just realized its 2004 not 2003 - I’m a year behind.  I couldn’t sleep, I’ve been tossing and turning for a while so it’s time to write.  I feel very hopeful at the present time.  Today I’m going for the port to make it easier to get chemo treatments. 

Yesterday was a hard day emotionally, and I probably used up my allocation of time for crying, and tissues also.  Yesterday I dealt with the past - with thoughts and issues of growing up in a loveless home, of the lack of relationship with my mother, of having children of my own to make me realize that nothing was there in terms of feelings for my mother, of how fortunate it is that I have a set a parents and a built in family with mami and papi.  When I married Larry I got more than a husband, I got a whole family.  Parents and a sister, as well as nieces and nephews and cousins, etc. And I love them all.  My childhood has made me strong, it turned me into a fighter.  I could easily have slipped into how life sucks and I’ve been dealt a shitty hand of cards but instead I made a delicious lemonade from almost rotten lemons.   And the funny thing is, or maybe what some people may consider funny, is that I still view myself as a very lucky person, cancer and all. 

Larry says I sometimes remind him of the song about the boy named Sue from Johnny Cash.  He wanted to stay up with me so he’s here on the sofa.  I love having him next to me.  Life is nothing but a collection of songs.  The Rod Steward song goes: You’re my lover, you’re my best  friend, you’re in my heart, you’re in my sole, til I grow old.  Well, maybe Larry and I won’t make it together to our 70's or 80's, but I’m still on the 5 to 10 year plan.  I love planning for the future.  I spoke to a contractor today about having some work done on the house, that’s planning a future life.  Larry found a dog he liked today, one of many, but I’m not convinced.  I really really really don’t want a dog right now, and my need not to have a dog currently outweighs Larry’s need/desire for a dog.  I have nothing much more to write for tonight, expect that I’m feeling fopeful for a FUTURE!!!!   

Well, got through another day, but just wish I could sleep all night.   I’m afraid I’m in a habit of waking up at night which is hard to break.  On a normal morning I would be getting up in an hour to get ready for work.  I miss the old normal days.  Life really is one day at a time right now.  And we got through yesterday okay.  It wasn’t as hard as I expected. My neck is stiff, but I guess what the prot represents is a good thing - that I’m in this long term. 

I told Mami how much I love her and papi last night - I hope she already knows and it’s not new news.  It’s a hard thing to say and express sometimes how you feel about people.  I’m glad Dora stayed cause it was a rough night for a while with feeling nauseous.  Dan is so so sensititive, and Melinda doesn’t realize that anything is amiss (I think).  And Larry seems to be getting a bit stressed out again, with taking me to the hospital, fighting with the insurance company, etc.  Me, I’m still in high spirits, although its easier to be in high spirits when you are well rested.  So that means back to bed for me.  Goodnight, sweet dreams, Loving Life, Deb. 

Monday, August 30, 2004 at 3:30 am

Every notice how clocks tick much more loudly in the middle of the night?  It’s so nice to be drug free today.  I feel like a cloud is finally lifting from over my head.  I’m not even on the patch today.  Zeloda starts again in the morning, I can see why they give 7 days of nothing following 14 days on.  I’m starting to feel normal again.  Hopefully, I’ll start to adjust to this cycle, and try and even out how I feel.   Hopefully, I won’t feel sicker as the poisons start to build up in my body. 

I embarked on a project today to set up a home office/spare bedroom from Melinda’s old room and give Melinda the room she’s been wanting for what seems like years.  I love colors, and the blue we picked for the walls should be soothing.   It should give me some place to concentrate when working.  I need to get into some good habits about working from home and I don’t want to be distracted/ It’s hard enough to pay attention to anything right now.   But on a good note, I finally won 3 games of solitaire tonight.  I used to love solitaire, but I haven’t been able to concentrate on it until today.  I’ve always said its good exercise for your brain to think quickly and orderly.  I love planning and organizing.  I’m good at it and it was good to empty out the whole room today and I look forward to putting the two rooms back together after the painting. 

Dan was awake.  He is SUCH a pleasure.  I love him totally.  He has turned into the best, best, best ever.  If there is a silver lining to every cloud, it has definitely turned out to be Dan.  His reaction to my cancer is heartwarming.  I’m glad we’ve had this time to tell each other how we feel.  I always knew Dan loved me cause I’m his mother, but he REALLY does love me.  I’m so encouraged by the way he expresses it.  He’s gone from I could barely go near him to never leaving without saying goodbye with a hug and kiss.  I love it.  This cancer has also made me realize how much I love him and I now know he will be okay in life.  He’s a much stronger person than I think I gave him credit for.  He would have been back at school today.  This has definitely been a life changing experience for Dan.  I know as much as I know anything that he will finish college, just not this year.  He’s still so young, at 22 or 23, it doesn’t matter.  But the fact that he can be with me and help me does matter.  He helps me in spirit and in encouraging me by just being around.  He does anything that’s needed without complaining and with a good heart.  Dan is definitely the sweetest.  

Well, its time to try for sleep again, Goodnight.