I am a male who on occasion enjoys dressing and feeling like a woman. Where does that feeling come from? All I know is that it has been with me since the earliest memory. Is this all I am? No but it is an aspect of myself that has consumed a lot of my energy since I became aware of it from a very early age – trying to cope with it and understand it the best way I could.

I have come to realize that God makes people who are different. We are gay, straight, transgendered  and all colours and dispositions under the sun. We are intelligent, dumb, cultured, uncouth, crazy, biased, angry, loving, sane, insane, saintly. We are people who seek love and peace and a kind of happiness that cannot be attained by material means. Objects mean nothing but kindness, intelligence and decency mean everything. I have more tolerance for others now that have to terms with myself.

I have stopped struggling over the way I am and have begun to appreciate what makes me different from so-called “normal” people. Like others, I love my children, my ex-spouse (in a different way now) and my family and  do  not want to fight with anyone – and especially not with myself. I am beginning to view my being transgendered increasingly as a gift and not a curse as I have an appreciation for all things feminine and masculine. In fact I know feel I have been given a unique view into the two solitudes of gender.

I am happy when I can express my feminine side in a public way but  not in an exhibitionist sort of way. There is a comfort level there and it feels natural and even spiritual. This is the part most people (well meaning but not understanding) have the most trouble with. But it is not for them to comprehend only for me to know that it is there and that it needs to be manifested. Just as women feel the need to dress in a certain way so does the transgendered person – in our case however there is a sort of duality present. So yes I relish the time when I can dress but also relish my time as a father and male role model to my children. This may sound like a contradiction but it is not how it feels for me.

I have spent decades treating this like a scab. Like it did not belong to me and was something to be denied, rejected and amputated. Through years of personal thought and research I have finally concluded that it is ok to just be who I am. Society has rules of conduct – which I follow – but where those rules break down into bias or intolerance I cannot follow. Why did it take so long? I think it’s because life is a journey in which we grow and develop as human beings – we question, we examine, we try to make sense of things. We are indoctrinated from our earliest days to accept the conventions we are taught. At first we do not question but as we gain perspective we begin to root out the things which clearly have no basis in intelligence or grace. More than ever I am certain that we should never allow society’s norms be a barometer for how we live our lives.

I am a spiritual person and believe that God loves us as we are. We must try and accept the grace that is offered to us and know that is being offered freely. If we turn away from God we are only doing ourselves a disservice as He is offering it as a gift. I used to feel that I was somehow undeserving of this grace because I was doing something wrong. I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I was able to do all other things well but somehow this question eluded me. It was only when I realized that I God loves me exactly as I am that things began to make sense.

I have stopped asking for or even seeking a so called “cure” (my how I detest that word now). That would imply that the way I was created is flawed. In fact I have searched my past and have found no markers that point to abuse or forced dressing or humiliation. It’s easy to say that it’s because I was surrounded by women early in life but then that would make every male in that situation a crossdresser – which of course is plainly false. Many little boys have found themselves in female clothing and never develop an interest in repeating the experience. Of course there are cases that can be treated like the person who is abused a child and seeks solace in the dressing – here is a root cause which can be examined and a treatment prescribed. There are also multiple personality disorders which can also be treated. The key thing to remember is that no 2 people are exactly alike and generalities not easily applied. This I know from my personal experience during discussions with others like me or reading personal webpages and published research. Therefore, psychotherapy only works when there is a root disorder to treat -  one which is thus far absent in my case. I know of quite a few others like me which have since become my friends.

There are even people who from the very youngest ages are convinced they are born in the wrong body. They are repeatedly corrected and discouraged but to no avail – often to the initial dismay of their parents. As adolescents or young adults, most end up seeking surgery to correct their mental image of themselves. There is an extreme dysphoria present and in the vast majority of cases these people lead happy and well adjusted lives after the surgery.  In a small minority however, there is an incorrect diagnosis and the person carries through with the change only to regret it later. I saw one such case on a program where a therapist had misdiagnosed a severe mental problem which was later treated with proper medication. These cases however, are the exception and not the rule.

People who think that this can be stopped like a hobby or a vice have not the foggiest clue of what they speak. They may be well-meaning but listening to their advice serves no purpose as they cannot comprehend or grasp it. I am far beyond that sort of simple minded analysis; beyond thinking of this as a plague or scourge. This is part of who I am – point finale. So why would you fight who you are? – it makes no sense to me anymore. I now firmly believe that there is a strong biological component to this but of course cannot prove it.

I also know that I have been blessed with a certain artistic vision and intelligence. This was given to me by God. No one can take that away from me just as no one can convince me that what I am is somehow aberrant or unholy or ripe with sin. I have never hurt anyone nor do I ever wish to. I only ask that I be given the same respect that any other person would deserve. So I have begun to outgrow societal convention and now the only thing that interests me is to gain further wisdom, love and internal peace – in fact  society’s norms are often in direct opposition to these very things.

If I were wrong to feel this way I would be feeling off somehow. A voice would be telling  me “no you have to fight” because this is causing you harm. I would be feeling empty or hurt or conflicted or unbalanced. But in fact the opposite is happening. By accepting  myself as I am I am gaining comfort, tranquility and more inner peace. I am beginning to balance all aspects of me for the first time ever and it feels right. The weight is finally off the shoulders!

That being said, I do not want to hurt my family. I feel a strong responsibility to my ex-spouse in that this should have come to light much sooner. Suppressing this part of myself and thinking that it would disappear was a mistake. Even if in my heart I know that it was not deliberate concealment  for her it must have felt that way. So many of us struggle because we fear rejection and so we try to conform to what we think is right at the time and what society and our families expect. It’s always best to tell the truth – not only to others but most importantly to yourself. So as hard as this must be for her to accept (and I would never expect her to) we can still move on to a different type of relationship which involves supporting each other and raising our children the best way we can - they need all our encouragement and strength. She also deserves a partner that can meet her requirements and needs. I regret  nothing and hope she feels the same way. I will always only wish the best for her as there will always be a certain form of love there.

So now as I venture further into my 40’s it feels good to finally repatriate myself into a whole being instead of one with an abnormality. If that being somehow offends others that is not a problem I  need to concern myself with – live your own life and I will live mine. The only need to do the things that  I  know are right and proper for myself and for my family.

So yes I am finally at peace.