A FUTURE WORTH LIVING FOR
"Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life." ~
Yiddish proverb
“Scenarios?” he asked back once his mind was able to focus on the conversation again.
“Yeah, Josh, I’m sure you are familiar with the term,” Donna remark sarcastically. “Take the pregnancy. I wouldn’t want to do it all alone.”
“So you would like to have kids,” Josh inserted.
“Josh, you realize that it’s you who wanted to talk, I can shut up every time I want. Sure, I would feel guilty about it for a while but I wouldn’t be the one ending up being frustrated,” Donna said in a detached tone.
“Yeah, okay, I’ll try to focus,” he murmured.
“So, I wouldn’t want to do it all alone. I would want you to be there for the checkups and ultrasounds and such. I would like you to accompany me to the Lamaze-classes although I wouldn’t pressure you if you didn’t want to come to the delivery room,” Donna said.
“I would like to come, but I’m not sure I would be of any use,” Josh said. “As for the checkups, Donna, I know my schedule, but I would accompany you.”
“Even if you had to be in the Situation Room?”
“Are they reschedulable? I mean the checkups?”
“I would think so,” Donna hedged.
“Then we would reschedule,” Josh said with a hint of triumph in his voice.
“Okay. Delivery. Even if you didn’t want to stay for the actual birth, I would like you to stay with me and help me until the time comes.”
“I would take a day off. Make that four-five days,” Josh said. “I would like to stay with the two of you for a while. Help you get settled at home.”
“Again, Situation Room,” Donna said.
“Yeah, I know. But I could ask Sam to step up,” Josh answered.
“Okay, Josh,” Donna gave him a slight smile. “That was the easy part. Once the kid is at home, I would like you to help me to raise the baby. That means being there for bath time, bedtime, goodnight-kisses and such.”
“I’m already making an effort to be at home at a reasonable time,” Josh said. “You can’t deny that.”
“No, I won’t deny it,” Donna said. “But Josh, babies need and like constancy. I can’t tell a six-months-old to wait for Daddy because Lou wanted to have a word.”
“I would make clear to anyone that I have to leave at six-thirty,” Josh said. “I know there will be days when I can’t but I would make sure those were the exemptions,” Josh promised.
“Okay. Let’s fast forward. Kindergartens tend to involve parents in all sorts of activities,” Donna said. “I’m sure that our child would want to have Daddy there and not just excuses that he couldn’t come.”
“Whoa, Donna, that was some fast-forwarding!” Josh exclaimed. “I don’t want us to have a baby right away.”
“No?” Donna asked back hesitantly.
“No,” Josh said. “I would like to have you for myself for at least a couple of years.”
“Then why are we talking about marriage?”
“Because that’s the next step in our relationship,” Josh said.
“Josh,” Donna sighed.
“It is!” Josh insisted.
“Yes, it is. But why is it so damn important right now?”
“Because I would like you to know that I love you and that I’m committed enough to marry you. Also I wouldn’t want you to think that I’m waiting for someone else to come along. ‘Cause there won’t be anyone else, Donna. You are the one I want to grow old with. You are the one with whom I want the ‘forever,’” Josh whispered.
“Oh, Josh!” Donna said, and Josh saw the tears pooling up in her eyes. “Why the sudden insecurity? We talked about forever on our vacation. I know you want forever, you know I want forever.”
“I’m that way, okay?” Josh said, sounding defensive again.
“Josh,” Donna said with another sigh. “Look at me, Josh.”
Josh looked up at her and knew that she could see right through him. She always knew how to read him. Sometimes it was downright scary, sometimes he was really grateful for it. Now, the knowledge that she knew what he was thinking made the tension he felt from the beginning of the conversation dissolve.
“Is this because you fear that I could leave again?”
“No!” Josh protested. “Yes. I don’t know.”
“I told you ‘forever,’” Donna whispered.
“Donna, I just want to marry you,” Josh said, his voice choking a bit. “You said you wanted to marry me. Could we leave it at that?”
“You wanted to talk about our future,” Donna said, and Josh knew that she was hurt.
“Yeah. I just thought that we had the same things on mind. I never thought you didn’t want kids with me.”
“You know what, Josh? I never said I didn’t want kids!” Donna practically screamed.
“You know what, Donna?” he mimicked her mockingly. “You never said you wanted!”
And then all he could do was watch in horror when Donna’s body went limp, the fight leaving her completely. She stayed in that cataleptic-like state for almost a minute, Josh didn’t dare to touch her. At the first sob he reached out for her, but she recoiled. Her whole body was trembling, the sobs coming at great speed; he tried to reach out again, and this time she let him. He caressed her back lightly, but didn’t dare to utter a word. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what the real problem was. Because the fight they just had wasn’t, of that he was sure.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered hoarsely. “So sorry.”
“Why?”
“I shouldn’t have…” her voice caught up in her throat, and she only shook her head. “Oh, God, Josh!” she sobbed then.
“What’s the problem, honey?” he asked her, rubbing her back soothingly. It was the first time he used a term of endearment, but it came so naturally, he didn’t even notice it.
“I did something terrible. I wanted to play you,” Donna sobbed. “I swore to never do it and look at me! Three months and I already broke my promise.”
“You wanted to play me?” Josh asked incredulously.
“I wanted to scare you off of kids,” Donna said.
“Why?”
“Because I’m afraid of having kids. And I didn’t want to tell you that,” Donna said. “I will never forgive myself this. I swore to never play with your feelings. I promised that. I broke my promise,” she repeated, the sobs wrecking her body. “God, I’m so sorry!”
“Donna, honey, calm down, please,” Josh said after she let out what were clearly dry heaves. “You are making yourself sick.”
“We promised no more misdirection, but I was a coward tonight, Josh. How can you just sit there and comfort me when I did something that horrible to you tonight?” Donna asked, the tears still falling.
“Donna, let me take care of you,” Josh whispered, pulling her into his embrace. “I want to take care of you.” He pulled her even closer, his knuckles still rubbing her spine. She hid her head in his shoulders, and Josh could feel the tears falling on his t-shirt.
“You don’t want to know why I’m afraid of having kids?” Donna asked perplexed, looking up at his face.
“You’ll tell me when you are ready for that,” Josh said reassuringly. Yes, he was hurt; yes, he felt betrayed but he also knew that it was not about him. This time Donna needed his forgiveness, and he loved her too much to deny her that. He knew he was going to be angry later, angry because of what they promised to each other. He upheld his promise but Donna broke hers. It hurt like hell to know that Donna was ready to play him, but he knew that she needed him right now and that they were going to deal with the other stuff later.
“Most of the times I feel I can’t give you enough love, Josh,” Donna confessed, surprising Josh. He didn’t know what to say to that. Yes, he felt sometimes that she held back, but he chalked that up to the fact that they were both cautious. After all, they both sucked in the relationship department. He didn’t hide anything from Donna, at least not for long. He knew that she accepted him the way he was, so he wasn’t nervous to show Donna all the Joshes that he concealed from others. Apparently Donna didn’t feel that way. Which meant she didn’t trust him the way he trusted her.
“You don’t trust me?” Josh asked her in a whisper.
“That’s not it, Josh,” Donna said, shaking her head. “I trust you. I always did. Even when you hurt me, even when you ignored me, I trusted you. So that is not the problem. You are not the problem. It’s me.”
“It must be me, Donna, because you are the most caring, loving person on the world, and if you can’t give into our relationship it means that you are afraid that I will break up with you when it comes out that you are not always the way you are most of the times,” Josh said, not making much sense, but he hoped Donna understood him. After all she always did.
“That’s it, Josh. I’m not so sure that I’m all that caring and loving. There are days I don’t really like the person I became. Because I lost something along the way. I think it’s the warmth I’m missing,” Donna explained. “I mean you were the most important person in my life and you are again. I loved you with all my might back then, and I love you now too, but there is something missing this time.”
“Donna, you still care, you still love,” Josh tried to reason with her. “I would be lying if I said I didn’t notice the changes. But I love the person you became. I loved you for a long time, and then I fell in love with you again.”
“But why?” Donna asked him. “How can you love this cold bitch I sometimes am?”
“Because you are not a bitch at all,” Josh reassured her, hiding his consternation. “Not at all. Yes, I noticed that sometimes you are cold. I think you keep now things at arm’s length, things you would have felt all compassionate about before.”
“Before what?” Donna asked.
“I think before Gaza,” Josh guessed.
“Yes, I stopped thinking about our kids around that,” Donna confessed in a whisper.
“You thought about our kids before?” Josh asked, feeling his excitement returning.
“All the time, Josh. I think I had been thinking about our kids almost as long as I knew you,” she said, snuggling closer to him.
“Did you imagine them with blonde hair and blue eyes?” Josh asked in a whisper.
“No,” Donna said, shaking her head. “They had brown curly hair and deep brown eyes. And dimples. They had dimples,” Donna said, her voice choking again. “But, Josh, I don’t think I would be a good mother. Not anymore.”
“Donna, I think you just have to learn again to let yourself go. Not at work, you need to be detached a bit. But at home. Just be the way you want to be. Don’t hold back, cry if you want, shout if you want, laugh if you want. I’ll be here for you for whatever you need me.”
“You think I can learn that again?”
“Yes, I think you can,” Josh said.
“You are very wise sometimes,” Donna said, and Josh chuckled.
“Yeah, I have my moments. Donna, I learned it back in the days when I worked in the Senate that you have to separate the personal from the professional,” Josh said.
“But your girlfriends never learned that,” Donna added.
“Yeah, the tragic of my life,” Josh quipped. “They were able to hurt me because of that. Because I gave everything when it was just the two of us. I still do, Donna, although after my previous experiences I really shouldn’t. But I trust you, I trust you never to use my feelings for you for your political gain.”
“I would never do that. I know that my promises are worth nothing right now, but I would never do that, Josh,” Donna insisted.
“I know, Donna. I know. That’s why I don’t hide anything from you. That and the fact that you were always able to read me,” Josh said. “You just have to learn to trust me too,” he added.
“I really trust you, Josh.”
“Your subconscious doesn’t, but it’s okay right now. I mean I didn’t really earn your trust,” Josh said. “I hurt you and ignored you before, why would I behave otherwise now? I would never intentionally hurt or ignore you, Donna. I would never do that.”
“I know,” Donna said with a slight nod. “So I have to learn to separate the professional from the personal.”
“Yeah, that would be my unsolicited advice. And it’s all for free,” he cracked.
“I really don’t want to see a shrink about this, Josh,” Donna said, the tears returning to her eyes.
“You don’t need to if you don’t want to. Could we revisit the topic in six months?” he asked, with a hopeful undertone.
“Which one?” Donna asked.
“Yeah, the one about kids. Because I’m still buying that ring for you on Tuesday,” Josh said with a cocky grin. “You can be my fiancée, we don’t have to set a date.”
“I don’t want that newspaper think that we do it because of them,” Donna said.
“Okay,” Josh agreed.
“Six months engagement?” Donna asked.
“That would put our marriage around the birth of Annabeth’ baby. I don’t want to steal her show,” Josh said with a smile.
“That’s sweet of you, but I think Annabeth would appreciate the diversion,” Donna said. “However I want her to be there, so I’m thinking May.”
“This May?” Josh asked back.
“Too short?” Donna asked back unsurely.
“No, absolutely not. This will give me time to actually work towards world peace so when the big day comes no one has to leave hastily,” Josh quipped, and for the first time during the night he felt contentment again.
Yes, Donna was afraid of having kids, but she didn’t say she didn’t want them. Yes, they had trust issues but they were working on it. And yes, Donna broke her promise, but Josh already forgave her. And she said yes to his marriage proposal. And there was a vow that said ‘in good times and in bad’.
GO TO PART FIVE