We've all seen those vocabulary questions asking, for example, how to turn DATE into LOVE. Any fool can do this:
DATE > DOTE > DOVE > LOVE
A much more difficult and interesting question, however, is how can DATE be turned to MATE? Well, here's one attempt:
DATE > DARE > FARE > FORE > FORT > FORTE > SORTED > ABORTED
You get the idea. In fact, scientists have all but given up hope of ever unlocking this mystery of abstraction. They sit around in their labs, hopeless & mateless.
Until now. I know that, previously, I've been a world leader in sex prevention. But now that I'm 15, my mom says it's time I settle down from that high-flying life and solve the time-honored problem of how to score.
Below you'll find my proposed methodology. In the spirit of scientific camaraderie, I ask you to perform experiments of your own and aid my research. I have not yet had success with human subjects, though tests with mice have been quite encouraging.
The Setting
Like any experiment, date-to-mate alchemy is greatly helped by the right environment. You should choose a spot where you and your girl (or guy) can comfortably get to know each other, ideally some place casual and not too noisy. Try a totalitarian futurescape. The relaxed dress code:
The Conversation
If you think of a date as a journey, then the girl is a house way up on the hill, at the end of a long road. Of course, you'd like to enter this house because it is warm and because it might provide shelter from other houses who are stalking the earth looking for blood. But the road leading up to it is confusing and fraught with danger. Luckily, conversation is a pair of magical shoes for navigating the treacherous terrain. If you don them and run around, you'll end up in the house for sure. They look like this:
My own research had yielded these instructive examples:
Body Language, For When Your Mouth Is Full
First of all, you must make eye contact. If she has a glass eye, it's over right there.
Also, the physical distance you maintain between you and your date conveys a powerful non-verbal message. On the one hand, if you keep away, she'll think you're not interested. On the other, if you get too close, she'll worry you might try some shit. Think of yourself as the Death Star. Only from the right distance will you seem like a gentle moon.
Finally, "closed" body language, like crossing your arms, subconsciously sends the message that you have something to hide--possibly a devious third arm. So make sure to maintain an "open" posture with your date to show her she has no third limbs to fear. Moving on.
Be Gentlemanly
Old-fashioned courtship is a thing of the past, but, even now, judicious deployment of a traditional gesture or two will make your date feel special.
For instance, holding the door for her will score big points. As with all of nature's creatures, the way you treat doors gives your girl a good idea about how you'll treat her. To send the right message, hold all doors for at least ten minutes after intercourse.
Also, despite advances in technologies like feminism, the cold truth of dating is that you must pick up the tab. Women earn less than men for the same work, so men must pay more for the same meal. You'll look like a cheapskate if you don't offer to pay. She'll think it's chivalrous of you to extend that concept. Offer also to pay for her body, and make sure to tip generously. If she can't break a twenty, see if she has change for your face.
Finally
Whatever you do, don't pressure her to sleep with you. That's an absolutely steadfast rule. You'll probably have more success just, you know, charming her into it