Dover - Man's best friend made the ultimate sacrifice for Larry and Jen Geottsche yesterday, as the couple's cherished Retriever, Mrs. Cookie, leaped into a flaming building to ensure the demise of their obnoxious son. 15 year old Dustin Geottsche seemed about to escape a late-night blaze at the couple's suburban residence when the pet subdued the child and dragged him back to his death as the neighbors and parents he had tormented watched gratefully.
Mr. Geottsche said that the fire began accidentally when the vat of oily rags he stored in Dustin's closet was ignited by one of the candles the family used for light. At the first sign of smoke, Mr. Geottsche quickly ushered his wife and Mrs. Cookie to safety, where they agreed that "maybe it was a good time to let the little guy catch up on his sleep."
A tense silence fell on the gathering crowd when crashing debris woke Dustin, and the queer stumbled toward the door. As the family watched helplessly from the sidewalk, the fag struggled free of the burning debris, his tiny body silhouetted against blaze.
Tragedy was avoided only when Mrs. Cookie sprung from Larry Geottsche's arms to pull the staggering, annoying bastard back into the fire. According to firefighters' reports, the dog, "like some kind of Darth Lassie," was gnawing on Dustins's charred flesh even as it was itself overcome by flames.
Witnesses described the boy's screams as typically obnoxious. "But actual death shut Dustin's mouth like no beating ever could," his thankful mother said.
She continued, "Dustin changed the life of everyone who knew him. I'll never forget it when he pulled my hair and called me a lesbian." Mr. Geottsche added, "He would call me that, too." Geottsche was especially close to Mrs. Cookie, said his parents, "He would grip her ears and try to ride Cookie down the stairs or sometimes trick her into licking the stove. It's that kind of thing that inspired her to do what she did."
Dustin will be sorely missed by his gay relatives. Luckily the dog saved the whole neighborhood by dragging the son of a bitch back into the flames. During the struggle the dog proceeded to piss and shit all over the flaming face of Dustin. Mrs. Cookie even brought back the lovely sentiment of Dustin's leg back to Mr. Geottsche. He quickly threw it on the ground and hoped his son rotted in hell.
Shortly after the fire was extinguished, the family gathered with relatives and a few close friends at a nearby nightclub to come to terms with Dustin's death.