The keeper of the gates of wisdom
Please let me in
�Cause I just can�t go through
Another heartache again
Marlena sat in the darkened penthouse living room, the only light cast from a solitary candle on the center of the table. Throwing gigantic shadows across the span of the room, she felt evenmore alone and afraid. Her feet tucked under her, she hugged the plush velvet pillow to her chest, wanting some how to crawl inside its soft envelopment and hide from the world. The tears made their way without pomp or circumstance down her face. She made no sound, all the cries and sobs had faded, and came out as soft hiccups in her breath.
Leaning her head against the cool of the back of the sofa, she stared into some space that held the answers to her problems. The phone did nothing to break her out of her stupor, nor did the soft voice of her husband announcing they weren�t home. The beep led to the inquisitive voice of Maggie Horton.
�Marlena, honey, are you home. Come on answer the phone. Marlena, if you don�t answer this phone, I�m coming over.� The air whispered through the phone, the other party awaiting an answer.
�Okay,I�ll take that as a �No�, but just to be safe, I�ll be over in a little while.� The phone clicked down and the beep sounding the end of the message sounded. Marlena brought her hand up to her eyes, trying to squelch the tears that plummeted even harder down her cheeks.
�Oh,Maggie. I wish you wouldn�t do that. I am through talking; I�ve talked until I�m blue in the face. I can�t do it anymore.� The sobs found their way out through a tightened mouth, trying all it�s might to stop the impeding stampede of cries.
�WHY do I have to go through this? WHY am I crying?� She slid down the sofa to land on the floor beside it, laying her head on the cushion.
�You know why Marlena. You�ve had enough.� The tears paved a hot trail across her the bridge of her nose and fell silently to the softness of the couch.
Pretty lies and alibis
How could I be so blind?
Now I'm all alone and scared to stay
Slowly going out of my mind
The scenes that plagued her dreams were darkening her conscious hours now. All the things he�d hidden from her, all the memories that he�d promised he didn�t remember, all the awful things he�d said to her. They all erupted in one big volcanic flame. The fight that was under the surface all the time finally tore it�s way in between them.
Their bedroom played a shocking setting to their ending. Once again, the one secret he had revealed had popped up again. Once again, John left his wife to go to their side. Marlena pulled the pillow over her head, pushing it hard against her face to stifle the sobs that were extracted from her very soul.
The bedroom was completely dark; John strained his eyes to adjust to the contrast from the brightness of the hall.
�Doc,you still awake?� He peered around the room, trying to seek his wife�s form. Walking to the bed, he felt for her, only to find smooth sheets, and an unmussed bed.
�Marlena, where are you at?� John walked into the bathroom, checking even the shower to find her. His heart began to pulse faster with fear. Clearing his throat, he returned to the bedroom. Seeing the strand of pure white moonlight coming from the balcony door, he let a sigh of relief out. The sudden shot of arctic air caught him off guard. Stumbling back, he caught the sight of the woman leaning against the railing of the tiny balcony.
"Hey there you are, I was worried.� Marlena straitened up, pulling her robe tighter about her body.
"Were you?� John�s eyes widened in confusion.
�I couldn�t find you. Why wouldn�t I be worried?�
�You never seem to worry about anything but Hope anymore. I can�t do this anymore, John. I can�t live like this. I can only take so much and this is more than I can take.� She quickly wiped away the tear that clung to her face. John started toward her but was stopped when her hand shot out, pleading with him to stop.
�I know I�ve been neglecting you and this has been a stain on our marriage. But you have to know that I love you and only you and that will get us through this.� Marlena crossed her arms tightly across her chest, tilting her head back to the moon, softly laughing.
�I used to believe that John. I used to believe just loving you would get us through anything our messed up lives had to offer. This time it didn�t work. I did all the loving and mending. What have you done? You�ve lied to your wife, you�ve left your wife, you�ve called your wife names, you�ve taken other�s words over your wife�s. I still love you, but I�m tired of being the only one who cares and wants a marriage.� Her back turned to him, her shoulders shaking softly with the tears.
�Doc, that�s not��
�John,I want you to go. I need some time by myself.� John�s outstretched arms fell dejectedly to his side.
�I can�t leave you. There�s got to be someth�� Marlena turned to him, her eyes puffy and red, void of that spark he loved so much.
�There is something. You can leave.� John pulled his hands through his hair and rested them on his neck.
�Whatever you say, Doc. If this is what you need, then I�ll go.� The tears peeked out on the edge of his eyes. Marlena turned her head,not wanting his emotions to change her mind. Biting her bottom lip, she slowly nodded her head.
�I think we need time apart.� John made no attempt to brush the tears from his cheeks. Making his way to her, he placed his hands on her arms, eliciting a small gasp from her. His breath stuttered with sobs, as he pulled her to him and gently kissed the top of her head, allowing the drops to mix with hers.
�I�ll see you later.� Marlena stayed still as he let go of her and quickly exited the balcony. The door of their bedroom clicked softly shut and the door to the penthouse shut before Marlena returned to the bedroom. Falling to the floor,she thanked heaven that the kids were out and not witnessing this debacle.
Marlena sat cross- legged on the floor, her head resting on the coffee table. �Time alone. Yeah, that�s what I needed.� Pulling herself up, she eased herself back down to the couch, crossingher legs, and tightening the robe around her again.
�I need out of this place. He�s here all around me. Why did I think this was going to be easy?� Pulling the pillow back to her lap, she sniffed at the traces of makeup and the tracks the tears made along the velvet. The tears reappeared, fogging her vision.
�I can�t stay here. I can�t cry about all day and lose myself.� Drawing herself up from the couch, she turned to find her family staring at her with pretty smiling faces from the piano filled with pictures.
He was my strongest weakness
I surrendered heart and soul
It�s gonna be a long, long time
'Til I regain control
I�m still a prisoner
Held captive by his memory
He was my strongest weakness
And I'm afraid he�ll always be
Stepping cautiously, as to somehow not disturb the happy memories that popped into her head, she walked to the piano�s edge. There were pictures of her and John when they had first come together inthe 80�s. Her face brightened remembering all the adventure and great passion they had shared then.
Then the pictures of her children made their way into her grasp. Sami, Eric and Carrie�s faces shone with great love and happiness, as they posed for the picture for their mother. Then the picture of the happy Black family came forward. Brady and Belle posed proudly on their parent�s knees.
Marlena traced the faces of her family, pausing at the eyes of her husband, recalling how sad and hurt they looked before he left. She quickly placed the picture face down on the piano top. Her eye caught the picture she loved so much. The blissful faces beamed from behind a massive cake.
�That was supposed to be our new beginning. Apparently, it was the beginning of the end.� Her eyes began to pool with oceans of tears, pulling the picture close to her chest; she slid to the floor once again. Her breath became hard and labored as she fought to control her emotions.
�Damn it!� She threw the silver frame across the room, shattering the glass, making a spider web across the couple�s face. She brought her fists up to her face, trying to somehow rub him out of her brain.
�What am I going to do? I can�t stop thinking about him. He�s everywhere in here.� Marlena brought her hands from her face and crossed her wrists on the top of her knees. A small sarcastic laugh tickled her throat.
�Why am I fighting this? It�s pointless. He�s just as much a part of my life as breathing. Why am I fighting this? Better yet, why am I talking to myself?� She tiredly dropped her head to rest on her arms, not rising when the soft patting at the door sounded.
I gave my faithful heart to someone
I couldn�t understand
How he held my little world
In the palm of his hand
The knocking continued, until Marlena finally rose and made her way to the door. �Hold on, hold on.� She slowly walked toward the intruder, not really wanting to see anyone right now. She unlocked the door and peeked out before opening it fully. Maggie stood outside,worry painted on her face.
�Marlena, you� you look awful.�
�Well,hello to you too Maggie. Come on in.� Marlena turned and walked toward the couch, leaving Maggie to close the door. Pulling her coat off and laying it on the back of the couch along with her purse, Maggie cautiously approached her friend.
�Hey, are you okay?� She sat down beside her,bending to meet the other woman�s downcast gaze.
�Maggie,you�ve been there through most of my most trying periods in my life. This would count as one of those times. I�ve had all I can take. I�ve loved that man for what seems like my whole life. He�s been my world; he�s been all I have ever wanted. Even when I didn�t have a clue who he was, I loved him.� Maggie watched as Marlena made her way back to the piano. Picking up the picture of them when they had first come together, she turned back to her friend.
�I�m just wondering if I gave too much. It just seems like I�ve given so much to us and the thought of actually being �us�, that I�ve run out of giving.� She pulled the picture to her heart and shook her head, fighting the tears back. �I just don�t know what to do anymore.� Maggie waited for the moment. Finding this was the time, she walked over to her friend.
�Marlena, you�re right I have been there though a lot of times. You are my best friend and you are like my own sister. I hate to see you like this, it breaks my heart. Marlena, for once, really think about what is good for you. You�re whole life you have done what is best for others. You need to do something for Marlena.� Maggie placed her hands on Marlena�s arms, causing Marlena to look up and face the other woman.
�I don�tknow how to do that, Maggie. I�m just spent.� She turned and placed the picture back on the piano amid the other pictures.
�Marlena,you know what is best for you. I have been there and I have seen you though rough times. I�ve seen you without John, too. You were about the most miserable I�ve seen you. I don�t know what happened, but you need to work this out with him. Make him see what he�s missing, make him work on this marriage along side of you.�
Now he�s gone and life goes on
So if this pain will ever end
Will I be afraid to risk it all
Ever fall in love again?
Marlena dropped her hands to Maggie�s, willing her to give her the strength.
�Maggie.� Marlena started, but her voice was smothered by the tears that again made their presence known. Turning her head, Marlena squeezed her eyes together, trying, in vain, to keep the horrible images out of her mind.
�Marlena, what is it. Come on, tell me.� Maggie squeezed her hands in support.
�I told him to leave. He�s gone. He�s been gonefor a week now. I haven�t heard from him. I know he�s still here. I see his car or hear about him from Shawn and Caroline. I�m afraid I may have caused a whole lot of damage. I�m afraid I�ve ruined everything.� Her tears held bay no more and dove down her face in great speed. Maggie�s eyes began to mist to hear herfriend express her emotions in such a heartbreaking way.
�Marlena,you have got to find him and see what can be done. You two have been through more than any two people should have to ever be subjected to. You�ve always come out on top and you�ve always come out together. That�s the key there, my dear friend, together. You two are the most perfect compliment to each other. I understand there have been problems, problems I don�t think any normal marriage would have withstood. But you and I both know the marriage of John and Marlena is anything but �normal�. I don�t want to see you lose him; I know what it does to you. But I don�t want to see you give yourself out either. Think of what you need, Marlena. You can only live solely for others for so long before you lose who you are.�
Marlena wiped her eyes, silently nodding in agreement. Maggie smiled, patting her friend on the back while they walked back to the couch. Marlena sat on the couch, pulling her hands through her hair. Maggie sat on the table before her.
�Marlena,give it some time, think about it.� Marlena wrapped her hands around Maggie�s, thanking her for being there for her.
�I will, I�m just really afraid to let myself be hurt again. It seems like every time I let my heart go, someone shatters it. I don�t think it�s going to be easy this time to mend it back together.�
�I seem to remember you told me something like that once before. You may not have completely got over that one either, but you made it through. Every time you give your heart away there�s the chance you take that it�s going to be bruised. That�s what love is, loving someone so much that you�re willing to take all the good and the bad and even take the risk of giving them your heart. John makes your heart twice that size it normally is. I�ve seen that first hand. You�ve got some leeway there. Just think about when you lost him, when he lost you. Are either of you willing to feel that loss and that pain again?� Marlena�s mind played out images of the detours in their relationship. Maggie saw her words had set in with her friend. Patting Marlena�s hand, she rosefrom the table.
�Where are you going?� Maggie pulled her coat onand turned to face her friend.
�I think you have some decisions to make. I�ve fueled the flame all I can; it�s all up to you. I�m just a short phone call away, anytime.� The women smiled at each other, Marlena stood from her spot on the sofa and joined Maggie at the door.
�I don�tknow what I would do without you sometimes.� Maggie�s smiled beamed into the dreary room.
�Luckily, you won�t ever have to find that out.� She hugged Marlena and stepped out of the door, clicking it softly behind her.
He was my strongest weakness
I surrendered heart and soul
It�s gonna be a long, long time
'Til I regain control
Marlena leaned against the door, sliding the chain on the chain lock behind her. Heaving a heavy sigh, she walked toward the couch, rubbing her forehead. Setting back on the sofa, she crossed her legs, resting her head on her hands. The flame of the candle was flickering down to its last sparks.
Licking her fingers, she snuffed it out before it could die by itself. Laughing at the irony of her actions and remembering John�s reference to ruining a fire, she pulled her legs under her, leaning back against the pillows.
The moonlight painted the room with a bright white light, gone was the warm glow from the candle and the grand shadows it painted across the span of the room.
The beam fell across the living room, pointing to the shattered picture on the floorbeside the staircase. Following the beam�s lead, Marlena arose from the couch and to the glistening glass that littered the floor. Kneeling beside the mess, she gingerly picked up the broken frame. The couple stared back at her with unknowing eyes. Marlena tip- toed about the shards, finding her way to the stairs.
Backing into the step, she studied the faces within the picture. Her concentration was broken by her husband�s voice once again announcing the family�s answering machine. Her chin rested on her hand, as she waitedfor the beep to see who was calling her.
�Doc, are you there?� Marlena straitened up,allowing her hands to fall to her lap, her mouth slightly agape. �Um, I just wanted to see if maybe we could do dinner tonight. I miss you and I think we need to work on this. Well, get back to me, I see you�re not home. I�ll talk to you later.�
I�m still a prisoner
Held captive by his memory
Marlena looked back down at the picturein her lap. Tossing it off to the side she rushed to the phone. �John�� The telephone clicked off before she could answer him. Dejected, she pushed the phone off, setting it down on the desktop. Clicking her fingertips on the wood, she debated on picking up the phone and calling him or giving it more time. Maggie�s words coursed through her ears. �Think of what you need, Marlena.� Marlena grabbed the phone, quickly dialing his cell number. �I know what I want, what I need.�
She waited for the voice on the other line to answer, only getting the recorded message of non-service at the moment. Clicking the phone off, she smiled slowly to herself. Taking a new candle and matches from the desk drawer, she placed them on the surface, carefully lighting the wick. The flame burned bright and large, setting off new mystical shadow across the room. Marlena gazed intently at the amber flame, not missing the message it sent.
�You can always relight the flame, all it takes is some heat and new wick.� She chuckled at her analysis, forgetting momentarily the hurt and fear she had felt just minutes before. She walked back to the staircase, setting herself on the step. Cradling the phone, she returned the picture of the wedded couple to her lap.
�Time is up, John. I�m ready to have what I need.� She felt the spark return to her body and breathed, for the first time it seemed. The phone shrilled into the euphoria she was feeling. Picking up the phone, she greeted the caller. John�s voice filled the quiet abyss.
�I knew you�d be there.� She felt her smile grow on her face as they talked.
The picture, shattered and bruised in places, beamed beneath the moon�s soft glow and flickered with the flame�s shadow, healing all its wounds and making it anew.
He was my strongest weakness
And I'm afraid he�ll always be