Jenna Lassen

Playwriting II

K. Aspengren

 

 

SCENE 1

 

(Early morning. A cop, Kyle, waits for partner, Bud, to show up with coffee. He stands next to a tall, cement-block wall. There is yellow police tape running along the wall that says “Royal Crime Scene” in black print. Kyle sees Bud approach.)

 

KYLE

Hey, Bud.

 

BUD

 

(Hands off coffee and nods.)

 

Whatta we got here?

 

KYLE

Fresh one. Died late last night, or early this morning.

 

BUD

Accidental?

 

KYLE

Most likely. Coroner’s been here and won’t rule out foul play. He was an egg, you know.

 

BUD

No kidding?

 

KYLE

Yeah…one of the Dumptys from east side.

 

BUD

No kidding.

(Moves to climb the wall.)

 

 

KYLE

Yeah, but I wouldn’t go back there if I was you.

 

 

BUD

How come?

 

KYLE

Scene’s a mess. Danged Kingdom jurisdiction.

 

BUD

King’s Men?

 

KYLE

Who else? But a’course they send in the danged horses first.

 

BUD

Not again…

 

KYLE

Yeah…before we even got the call, them horses had already been all up in the scramble. Animals.

 

BUD

(Shakes head and makes disgusted noises, clicking his tongue.)

 

KYLE

I tell ya, I’m not one for all that rebellion against the King junk you’re always yakking about, but if the big guy doesn’t put a tighter reign on those horses…

 

 

BUD

Well, I’m gonna take a gander.

 

(He hands over his coffee and starts to scale the wall.)

 

KYLE

I wouldn’t recommend it, Bud. It’s pretty gruesome.

 

BUD

Ha! What? You never made an omelet?

 

(Sees carnage and nearly staggers high on the wall.)

 

Oh…Oh My.   Oh, that’s just…I… Oh…  Is that his…?

 

KYLE

Sure is.

 

BUD

That’s just…

 

KYLE

Sure is.

 

BUD

It almost looks like…

 

KYLE

Yeah?

 

BUD

As if…as if they didn’t even try to put him back together again. If you know what I mean.

 

KYLE

Whoa, Buddy. That’s dangerous talk. Won’t getcha nowhere but lying in pieces behind some wall.

 

BUD

So, you agree with me.

 

KYLE

All I know is…   Something’s rotten in the kingdom.

 

BUD

Sure is.

 

(Silence, sipping of coffee and thinking.)

 

KYLE

C’mon. Let’s get this cleaned up before it gets any hotter. We don’t want him to fry.

 

BUD

Sure don’t.

 

 

(Lights down and scene change.)

 

 

SCENE 2

 

(In a small, cozily-furnished living room with Elaine Dumpty, recently widowed. She is petite and wearing a dark dress, clutching a hankie and pacing. She is soft-spoken and obviously distressed. She speaks to an invisible reporter and keeps looking out the window.)

 

ELAINE

I don’t know what to tell you…or if I can, really. It still hasn’t quite sunken in, if you believe it.

 

(Laughs nervously and stops, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.)

 

I’m sorry. I just… I wasn’t ready for something like this. Who is, right?  He was such a good egg. Big, big heart. Great father.     So great.

 

I mean, he wasn’t perfect. No one is, right? We had our fights, stupid fights, really. Maybe more lately, just because of his job and…other things.

 

What? No…no of course not. Nobody would fire my Humpty. He was such a hard worker. No, the trouble was…I don’t know. He was just…discontent? I mean, he wasn’t depressed or anything. No! Not at all…it was just, sometime he would have this dreamy look in his eyes, start talking about changes and ridiculous things.

 

Well, I don’t know if that’s any of your business. Humpty was not the type to run around. And no, I don’t think he was insecure about his being an egg. Why do you people always have to make this about race?

 

Fine, yes..sorry, I’m just upset, you know. Anyway, I don’t know why he left last night. Sometimes a person just needs to be alone, right?

 

(Stops pacing suddenly as if the interviewer has just proposed something unfathomable.)

 

What?   No… Oh, no. Humpty wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that to our babies, to me. He was just….No. That’s just not possible. It was an accident.

(Gains confidence and straightens shoulders, resolute.)

 

It was an accident.

 

(Lights down. Scene change.)          

 

 

 

 

SCENE 3

 

(Very small German psychiatrist sitting proud and high behind a huge, glossy desk in his well-decorated office. He has a thick accent and is also answering to an unseen interviewer.)

 

PSYCHIATRIST

It was suicide! Herr Dumpty was severely, clinically depressed, und in his alienation and undeniable mental distress, he threw himself from the wall to his extremely premeditated and provably purposeful death!

 

Why yes, there’s considerable evidence! Interviews with close friends indicate a deep-rooted unhappiness. His marriage was broken. Und others agree that his life was certainly not sunny-side-up at the time of his demise. The Humpty Dumpty that died yesterday was but a shell of the man he once was!  

 

What? Why yes, I am affiliated with the Royal Insurance Company. But I don’t see the relevance of that inquiry.

 

 

(Lights down. Scene change.)

 

 

 

SCENE 4

 

(Same setting as first scene. Kyle is on the other side of the wall in the crime scene, while Bud is filling out a report on a clipboard. They speak to each other by yelling  over the wall.)

 

BUD

Hey, how do you spell “interference”? Two R’s?

 

 

 

KYLE

Well, yeah…but not in a row.

 

BUD

Hey, get this: “Furthermore, crime scene was nearly impossible to investigate due to the unprofessional interference of the King’s Horses. Again.”

 

KYLE

Nice.   Hey! I think I found something…

 

BUD

Yuck…   what is it?

 

KYLE

No, I think it’s a clue that managed to escape the King’s Hoofbrains. Check it out.

 

(He climbs back over the wall, clutching a giant, fuzzy yellow feather in his hand.)

 

Found this in the bushes.

 

BUD

It’s a big one.

 

KYLE

Sure is.

 

BUD

So, whatcha thinking? Suspect? Witness?

 

KYLE

(Takes a moment to study the clue, thinking hard before speaking.)

 

I think it’s a boy.

 

BUD

Huh?

 

KYLE

Nevermind. Get the squad car and put out an alert for a giant chick.

 

BUD

A dame?

 

KYLE

Sometimes I wonder about you, Bud. Get the car.

 

 

(They exit and we hear sirens from offstage, fading with the lights.)

 

 

SCENE 5

 

(Lights up on Humpty, sitting on the wall in blue moonlight earlier the night before. He is a giant egg with arms and legs and a face. He sighs a lot and is clearly troubled, talking to the audience.)

 

HUMPTY

I’m in trouble, you know. Not just at home, though things with Laney and the kids have been better. But that’s not what’s really poaching my guts. And it’s not the whole King’s Men thing, either…though I suppose I should be more worried about those egg beaters.

(Digresses as he thinks about the King’s Men.)

 

You know, they got my cousin Lumpty a few months back. Told the press it was a rebellion-connected mob hit….cut out his yolk and sent it to his wife.

 

(Shudders.)

 

Mob..yeah right! And just two weeks after the royal declaration of a kingdom-wide health program for lowering cholesterol. Coincidence? I think not. Anyway, I know better. And sure, I get threats..the looks, the snide comments. They’ve always had it out for us eggs. Anyway, I just can’t seem to care about it.

 

That’s the problem really. I…I’m just sort of apathetic lately. Laney thinks it’s my job…but..it’s just work…and my buddies say it’s a mid-life crisis. That I should buy a sports-carton and get over it.

 

(Sighs and pauses.)

 

I guess it’s hard to articulate. But really..it’s simple. I just want…I just want to fly away.

 

(Dreamily and excited.)

 

I just want to bust loose, to try something new! To be transformed! I’m so sick of it all – I love my family, Lord knows it, but I need a change. I feel it inside of me, you know? Deep down, like there’s something in me, a potential, a fresh start. I can’t shake it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, man.

 

(Stands tall, precarious on the high wall.)

 

There’s more to me! I just don’t know what it is I’m supposed to do. Oohhh….

 

(Gets a strange expression and holds his abdomen a little.)

 

I need to make a change! I need…ooooh…..oh man….I need…oooh oooh!

 

(Holds his stomach and looks ill, groaning. He stumbles and falls backwards off the wall. He cries out as he falls, and there is a terrible crash/cracking noise. There is silence for a few moments, then a soft, single chicken cluck before the lights go out.)

 

END