Humans Suck

a five minute play by

Jenna Lassen

 

 

 

 

 

 

Characters:

Vlad, a vampire

Boys, group of bullies

Mr. Jenkins, a mean teacher

Mandy, a sweet girl in Vlad’s grade

 

 

Setting:   Ordinary middle school hallway, present day.

 

 

 

 

 

SCENE 1

(An ordinary middle school hallway, with metal lockers lining the wall and posters for upcoming events scattered along the walls. There are several young boys of varying heights gathered around one of the lockers, bullying VLAD, a strikingly white-skinned, short boy with jet-black hair and a distinct widow’s peak wearing a black cape.)

 

BOYS

 

(Jostling Vlad around, teasing and pushing him.)

 

Hey, Dracula! Blood-breath! Want some garlic? Nice cape!

 

VLAD

Knock it off! Lemme go!

 

 

(They continue to bully him until a teacher, MR. JENKINS steps into the scene and stands sternly, arms crossed, until they notice and desist.)

 

 

MR. JENKINS

Aren’t you boys supposed to be in the library right now?

(They quickly exit, and Vlad starts to leave as well.)

 

Not so fast, Vlad.

 

 

VLAD

But it wasn’t my fault! They were-

 

MR. JENKINS

I don’t want to hear it. That’s the third time I’ve caught you fighting this week.

 

 

 

VLAD

But!

 

MR. JENKINS

No buts. And no bats, either. They should have known better than to let your kind in here.

 

VLAD

What’s that supposed to mean?

 

(Crosses his arms and glares at the teacher.)

 

 

MR. JENKINS

What it means for you is detention. Again.

 

VLAD

That’s not fair!

 

MR. JENKINS

You want it doubled?

VLAD

 

(Fumes silently.)

 

MR. JENKINS

That’s what I thought. You’d better be in my office in three minutes.

 

VLAD

 

(Waits till the teacher leaves and then turns and kicks his locker shut as hard as he can, slamming his back into it and sliding to the floor angrily.)

 

Humans suck! Jeesh! How’s a kid supposed to get by in a place like this?

 

(Slams his arms back into the locker once more.)

 

So I’m a vampire. So what?! It’s not like they’re any better! I hate this place! I hate everybody!

 

(A girl, MANDY, approximately his age enters from stage right carrying some books. She is wearing a pink dress and is very sweet.)

 

MANDY

Hello, Vlad.

 

VLAD

Whadda you want?

 

MANDY

Nothing, I was just saying hi. Are you okay? I heard yelling.

 

VLAD

Yeah? Well, it was those jerks from gym class yelling because I was beating them up!

 

(She just looks at him.)

 

Get lost, Mandy! Jeesh! Can’t you see I’m busy?

 

(She continues to look.)

 

Fine. Stay. See if I care.

 

(She sits next to him on the ground and digs through her backpack.)

 

MANDY

Sucker?

 

VLAD

What?!

 (She holds out a candy sucker to him.)

Oh.     Sure.

 

MANDY

You need to learn to relax, Vlad. Not everyone is out to get you.

 

VLAD

Whatever. Easy for you to say.

 

MANDY

You know, my dad is in prison.

 

VLAD

So what?

(She is silent for a moment, then moves as if to leave.)

 

 

 

VLAD

Sorry. Sorry, I said! Jeesh. I mean...seriously, so what? I know that about your dad. Everybody knows that.

 

MANDY

Yeah. Well...anyway, people treat me different because of my dad. So, I thought..I can relate to you, I think.

 

VLAD

Are you serious? Mandy, your dad is in jail for stealing money from his boss. My dad ate his boss! I have no reflection. I have to wear a dumb cape and sleep in a coffin for crying out loud! You have no idea what it’s like.

 

MANDY

No, you don’t! They may pick on you, sure, but really they are afraid of you! They think you are cool – like, powerful or something. When they pick on me – what have I got? I’m nothing. Just some loser whose family sucks.

 

VLAD

Well, I guess we’re the same in that case.

 

(They both laugh loudly.)

 

MANDY

Oh, I didn’t mean it like that.

 

VLAD

I know. Hey, I didn’t mean to be such a jerk earlier. I just really hate those guys. And Mr. Jenkins.

 

MANDY

Me too. They’re the worst.

 

VLAD

Hey, wanna go exsanguinate Todd’s dog with me?

 

(She looks horrified.)

 

Just kidding! I like dogs. I mean...as in, like, petting them and stuff.

 

MANDY

Oh, good. Me too!

 

 

 

VLAD

Anyway, I’d better go. I have to get out of here before Jenkins finds me for detention.

 

MANDY

Okay. Well, do you want to maybe hang out tomorrow or something? It’s supposed to be really nice out.

 

VLAD

Yeah, probably not. I’m not supposed to go out when it’s really sunny.

 

MANDY

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

 

(They are silent for a moment, awkward.)

 

Kay. Bye.

(She starts to leave.)

 

 

VLAD

Hey! Um...maybe we can be partners on that stupid English project that Ms. Goldthwaite assigned. Everybody says you’re really good at writing.

 

MANDY

Really? Yeah. That would be fun.

 

VLAD

Okay. Well, see you later.

 

MANDY

Bye!

(She turns and stops once more, turning back.)

 

And, Vlad – I like your cape.

 

(She exits and he stands, brushing off his cape and smiling broadly. Offstage we hear: “Where is that little bloodsucker?” and Vlad looks startled, then draws his cape quickly over himself in the classic vampire motion. A sudden cloud of purple fog quickly envelopes him and he escapes through some trap door on stage, while the audience sees a little bat materialize from the fog and fly down the hall before the lights go down.)

 

END