Jenna Lassen

Playwriting II

K. Aspengren

 

 

 

(Lights up on an apartment, nicely furnished and decorated for a romantic dinner. A small table with two place settings is the focus, and the lights are dim with candles scattered about the space. Smarmy music plays and a woman, JOLIE, 30ish, wearing a modest, frilly apron, hustles about the kitchen area, preparing dinner and swaying and humming loudly to the music. There is a knock on the door and she rushes to turn down the music.)

 

 

JOLIE

Coming!!! Co-ming!

 

(She scrambles to make sure everything is perfect, quickly adjusts her hair and dress, takes a deep breath, and opens the door to reveal ELLIOT, also 30ish, kind, handsome, and distinctly uncomfortable.)

 

Elliot! Right on time, as usual. And don’t you look handsome. Come in, please! Oh, and wine! You are so thoughtful.

 

(She takes the wine and his jacket, ushering him inside.)

 

ELLIOT

Thank, you. I wasn’t sure what you were serving, so I tried to select a wine that would be versatile and subtle.

 

JOLIE

So thoughtful.   Oh, silly me. I’m still in my apron!

 

 

(She unties the neck and waist as he glances around her home. Underneath the apron is a slinky, red dress. He starts to speak, then turns and sees her.)

 

ELLIOT

You have a lovely....home.

 

JOLIE

Oh, thanks. My friend Sheila does all my decorating. She’s just nuts about fabrics and whatnot. Dinner is almost ready, so why don’t you just make yourself at home on the couch, kay?  Relax a little, Elliot.

 

 

ELLIOT

Oh.   All right.

 

(He sits on the couch and jumps when she places her hands on his shoulders moments later, massaging.)

 

Uhhh... Jolie, listen-

 

(A buzzer goes off in the kitchen.)

 

 

JOLIE

Dinner!

 

ELLIOT

Dinner. Okay.

 

(They move to the table, which seems ridiculously small when two people are seated at it.)

 

Cozy.

 

JOLIE

Nice, isn’t it?   Some people need a lot of personal space, but I feel like you really connect with someone when you can talk and eat and..whatever…in the same space.

 

ELLIOT

Right.

 

(He picks at his salad.)

 

 

JOLIE

Like the salad? It’s called “Mint to Beet-ogether.” From my holiday romance cookbook.

 

ELLIOT

You really get into this Valentine’s Day stuff, don’t you?

 

JOLIE

Wait till you try my main course – “Filet of Sole-Mates.” And dessert: “Baked Alaskyatomarryme.”

 

 

ELLIOT

(He sets down his fork forcefully, sighing and scooting away slightly from the tiny table.)

 

Oh, stop!

 

JOLIE

What?

 

ELLIOT

Just, stop, please! I... Jolie, look, you’re a lovely person, but- 

(He tries to discreetly check his watch, failing. Jolie immediately starts crying loudly, napkin to her face, shoulders shaking.)

 

Oh, oh...don’t do that! Oh.  I’m sorry!

 

JOLIE

(In a pitiful, tearful voice, with intermittent sobs and sniffles.)

 

No you’re not! You… you’re just like every other guy! I thought you were different. Thought you were special.

(With extreme anguish and more crying.)

 

I. Thought. We. HAD. Something!!

 

 

ELLIOT

Wha…? Why did you think that? I’ve never even shown an interest in you, Jolie.

 

 

 

JOLIE

It’s because I’m fat, isn’t it? You pig!

 

ELLIOT

What?!  No! It’s not because of that! I mean – you’re not!  Be fair, here, Jolie.

 

JOLIE

(Sniffling softly, quiet for a few moments before sighing.)

 

Oh, all right. I’m sorry. I just...it’s just that I think I LOVE you, Elliot. And I really really wanted you to at least like me.

 

ELLIOT

I do like you, Jolie.

 

 

JOLIE

You do?

 

ELLIOT

Yes. But not…not that way.

 

 

JOLIE

(Starts crying again.)

 

Ooohhhhh....

 

ELLIOT

Oh, come now. You don’t have to cry.

 

(Kneels next to her and dabs at her eyes with his napkin. She stops crying.)

 

There. That’s better. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.

 

JOLIE

No, that’s okay. I  just...I wanted to have a lovely evening, you know? A nice dinner, some conversation and music....really, I guess I was just hoping against hopes that someone like you could be interested in a girl like me.

 

ELLIOT

Someone like me?

 

JOLIE

Yeah...someone kind, and..and thoughtful and charming and...just so perfect!

 

(Her voice quavers a bit.)

 

But how could I really expect you to fall for me? I’m worthless. Completely hopeless. A mess.

 

 

ELLIOT

Jolie! Stop that. You are not a mess. You’re wonderful! Any man would be lucky to have you. It’s just...I am not..umm..quite what you think I am. There’s something about me no one knows.  I have a secret.

 

JOLIE

Oh...   Oh!  Elliot, I had no idea! But then again, you are bordering on too attractive...I should have guessed...

 

ELLIOT

What? I am?   What?

 

(Thoroughly confused.)

 

 

JOLIE

Honey, it’s all right. Your secret is safe with me. Actually it’s kind of a relief. At least I know it’s not me, specifically. You just don’t like women.

 

ELLIOT

Yes, I’m glad you understand, nothing persona- WHAT?! Oh, no, no. Jolie, I’m not...it’s not what you think!

 

JOLIE

It’s okay, Elliot. I won’t tell a soul.

 

ELLIOT

No, really. You must believe me. I am attracted to women, very! – just not...just not Earth-women.

 

 

(Silence.)

 

 

 

JOLIE

Earth-women?

 

ELLIOT

Yes. Umm...you see, my secret, it’s...well. I’ll just say it.

(Carefully.)

 

I’m not from this world, Jolie.

 

 

JOLIE

You’re not.

 

ELLIOT

No.

 

JOLIE

You know, if you didn’t want to hurt my feelings you could have just run with the gay thing.

 

(Rises from the table angrily and heads to the kitchen.)

 

ELLIOT

No, really! Jolie, you must believe me. I’m not human!

 

JOLIE

You’re right. You’re a pig. I’d like you to leave now.

 

(She bangs around pots and opens a cupboard, blocking the view of her face and upper body from the audience.)

 

ELLIOT

Fine. I didn’t want to have to do this, but if you insist...

 

(He grabs her and forces her to spin and look at him. His head is now also obscured from view. We see his hands move to where his face must be, and a bright, strange light emanates from behind the cupboard and spooky music is heard. Jolie screams and runs into the dining room, horrified. The light ends and Elliot follows her, his appearance normal.)

 

I’m sorry you had to see that, but I needed you to understand.

 

JOLIE

Elliot...I...you really are an alien!

 

ELLIOT

Yes. Well, we prefer Extraterrestrial-Biological Entity, or EBE for short.

 

JOLIE

You’re an alien!

 

ELLIOT

(Sighs.)

Yes.

 

JOLIE

From a different planet!

 

ELLIOT

Yes.

 

JOLIE

Not from Earth!

 

ELLIOT

I think we’ve established that.

 

JOLIE

(Breathless.)

Wow.  So....you’re not gay?

 

ELLIOT

Jolie.

 

JOLIE

Sorry. Wow. It’s just...it’s a lot to take in.

 

ELLIOT

Yes, I realize that. So, I’ll leave you to it. Thanks for inviting me over, and no hard feelings, right?

 

JOLIE

Oh. You’re leaving? But...there’s so much I want to ask you!

ELLIOT

(Glances at watch, impatient.)

 

I really don’t have time for a Q&A right now, Jolie.

 

 

JOLIE

Oh, well...I just..

 

ELLIOT

Okay, fine. Sorry. I’ll just sum it up for you: Yes, we can read minds. No, we aren’t here to harvest you. And yes, we go to the bathroom.

 

 JOLIE

Wow...and what about-

 

ELLIOT

Yes. But we have never used probes, and that’s a dirty lie.

 

JOLIE

Wow! You really do read minds!

 

ELLIOT

Yes, well, Jolie, I really have to leave now.

 

JOLIE

Okay! I’m sorry to bother you, it’s just, I’ve never met a real alien before. I mean, I’ve dated some really messed-up guys, but none of them were actually from Mars.

 

ELLIOT

Jupiter, well, one of the moons. Anyway, it’s been a pleasure. But-

 

JOLIE

Right. You have to go.  Say...how are you getting home?

 

ELLIOT

Umm...someone is picking me up.

 

 (Jolie raises an eyebrow and sidles over to the window, looking out and up. Elliot rolls his eyes.)

In a car.

 

JOLIE

Oh. Right.

(There is a loud, angry knocking on the door. A woman’s voice bellows: “ELLIOT!”)

 

ELLIOT

Oh, no.

 

JOLIE

Who is that?

(Jolie opens the door and voluptuous woman with a Spanish accent, CARMELLA, storms in.)

 

CARMELLA

You two-timing cucaracha! You told me you were just going to let her down easy and leave!

 

JOLIE

Who is this, Elliot?

 

ELLIOT

Just my ride. We’re leaving.

 

(Tries to rush out, but Carmella comes fully into the apartment.)

 

CARMELLA

Just your ride? Just your ride? Why, you lying piece of space-trash!

 

ELLIOT

Carmella, baby-

 

JOLIE

Baby?

 

CARMELLA

Quiete! Drive yourself home, E.T. I’ve had enough.

 

ELLIOT

But, Carm!

 

JOLIE

Wait a minute....I thought you said you weren’t attracted to earth-women!

 

(Crosses her arms, fuming.)

 

CARMELLA

Oh, he’ll tell you a lot of things, muchacha. But don’t believe a word of it!

 

ELLIOT

Ladies! Let’s just calm down!

 

CARMELLA and JOLIE

Quiete! Shut up!

 

 

 

JOLIE

You lied to me! I poured out my heart to you! I... I made you a Valentine’s dinner! And you lied to me.

 

 

ELLIOT

Jolie, I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

 

CARMELLA

Ay, dispicable!

 

JOLIE

She’s right. Get out, Elliot! I thought you were something special, but it turns out you’re just like every other lying jerk out there. Well, except for the alien thing...which does NOT make you more attractive, by the way.

 

CARMELLA

Verdad, sister. Ay, that thing he does with his face?

 

JOLIE

Eww, I know. That’ll charm a girl right off her toes.

 

(They laugh together and seem to be bonding. Elliot moves towards the door.)

 

ELLIOT

If you’re quite done with the alien-bashing, I’ll be leaving.

 

CARMELLA

Go ahead!

 

JOLIE

Pig.

 

CARMELLA

Puerco.

 

JOLIE

Don’t let the door hit your little dipper on the way out.

 

CARMELLA

Say hi to Spock for me.

 

 

JOLIE

Haha! Go home to your pod.

 

 

ELLIOT

Earth-women can be so cruel.

 

(He wipes at the corner of his eyes and exits quickly.)

 

JOLIE

(Quiet for a few moments, doubting.)

 

You don’t think we were too hard on him, do you?

 

 

CARMELLA

No! He’ll get over it. And sooner than he should, I’m sure.

 

JOLIE

But what if you broke his heart?

 

CARMELLA

He’s an alien. He’ll probably just grow a new one or something gross like that.

 

(Walks over to the couch and plops down, kicking off her high heels, sighing.)

 

Mmm...what smells so good?

 

 

JOLIE

It’s “Filet of Sole-“ uhh...fish.

 

(Uncertain, suddenly shy.)

 

Would you..um, perhaps like to stay for dinner? I’ve made all this food and...

 

 CARMELLA

(Smiles broadly.)

That sounds lovely. As long as there’s dessert involved.

 

JOLIE

Of course! It’s a baked Alaska that’s out of this world.

CARMELLA

(Moves to the table, laughing, and pours the wine.)

 

Haha! Mmm, this salad looks fabuloso.

 

JOLIE

Thank, you.     Oh! I got one more!

 

(She runs to the window, leans out and calls to Elliot, down on the street.)

 

Hey, Elliot! Your mom called! She wants you to phone home!!

 

CARMELLA

Oh, you’re bad.

 

JOLIE

I know it.

(She picks up a glass of wine and toasts Carmella.)

 

Happy Valentine’s Day.

 

 

(Lights down.)

 

END