Jenna Lassen
Playwriting I
K. Aspengren
Dinosaur Barbeque – A Ten Minute Play
(The lights go up on a guy costumed as a T. Rex, grilling steaks in his backyard, singing “Young Girl, Get Out of My Mind” to himself and dancing a little. Two other dinosaurs, Bones (triceratops) and Terry (pterosaur), enter from stage left, unseen by the T. Rex.)
BONES: (whispers to Terry) Hey, man, check this out.
(Bones snickers and picks up a stick from the ground, tossing it so that it lands next to Rex, who sees it and bends to get it while they quickly reposition themselves in front of him, staying very still.)
REX: (sings loudly, unaware of their presence) Oooooh, Better ruuuun, girl! You’re much too yooouunnng girl!
BONES: (softly) Heeeyy, Rexie…
REX: (jumps) Wha?!
BONES: (moves suddenly, startling Rex) Haha! Man that never gets old!
REX: Bones, you bastard! How long have you been here?!
TERRY: (moves as well and Rex jumps again) Hey, T-Man!
REX: (holding his chest) Seriously, guys…You’re gonna kill me someday! I can’t see you when you don’t move!
TERRY: No kidding.
BONES: Hey, you’ve survived this long. We’re just keeping that adrenaline pumping. (slaps him on the back) How ya been, muchacho?
REX: Oh, you know. Can’t complain. (starts grilling again) Got a couple call-backs last week for the new Discovery Channel special, but otherwise work’s been a little slow. But, hey! This is a party. Terry, when did you get to town?
TERRY: Flew in last night. (beat) Hey, throw me a cold one. (Rex tosses him a drink from a cooler)
BONES: Tell him about your kid.
TERRY: Get this –
REX: Yeah?
TERRY: Ter, Jr. pierced his nose.
REX: What!
TERRY: That’s right.
REX: You gotta be kiddin’ me! And you let him?
TERRY: I didn’t let nothin’! The little bugger just came home last week, looking like a freakin’ punk!
BONES: Tell him what you did, Ter.
REX: Yeah, Ter, whadja do?
BONES: He tells him, “Boy, if your mother-“
TERRY: Hey, who’s telling this story?
BONES: So tell it!
TERRY: So I say’s to him, “Boy, if your mother sees you like this she’s gonna go prehistoric on your ass. You’re lucky I saw ya first.”
REX: So, did he take it out?
BONES: Nope! Get this,-
TERRY: Geez, Bones, would you let me tell it?
BONES: Easy, Terry. Don’t get your feathers all ruffled.
REX: Hey, guys, did you hear about Sal and the cops last night?
BONES: The cops? Was it his wife again?
REX: Yeah. She got mad at the department store and knocked over some displays, you know, like those pyramids of pantyhose boxes or whatever…
TERRY: What happened with the cops?
REX: Well, they were all like, “Sal, how do you get your wife to stop charging?”
BONES: And?
REX: And Sal’s like, “I don’t know. Maybe take away her credit card?” Hahaha! Ha! (they don’t laugh) Get it, fellas? Credit card? Heh…. Hey, here comes Carl!
ALL THREE: Carl! Hey, man! (They wave and call as Carl (a hadrosaur) approaches from stage left, not seeing the man walking behind him until he steps out from behind the dino, looking very frightened. All movement stops.)
BONES: Oh. My. Gosh.
TERRY: Tell me I’m seeing things. Just tell me I’m seeing things. Carl, tell me you did not-
REX: (oblivious because the man is frozen with fear) What? What’s going on guys?
BONES: Carl!
TERRY: Carl, you idiot! Whadja go and do that for?
CARL: (talking so the man can’t hear) Come now, guys. Give him a break, will you? He’s a decent person.
TERRY: No way, man.
BONES: I can’t believe you!
REX: (still grilling) Hey, what’s going on guys?
CARL: Just give him a chance. He’s had quite a rough day (they all look over as he loudly whispers) Poor man - His wife left him!
(they all look him over, standing forlorn and scared next to Rex, who still doesn’t see him)
TERRY: Fine. But if this ends badly, his blood is on your hands.
CARL: Oh, you carnivores are so dramatic.
BONES: Seriously, Carl, he’d better keep his mouth shut and his hands to himself.
CARL: Whatever you say…Hey, Josh, c’mere, pal. I want you to meet some guys. (draws him closer to the group)
REX: All right, who brought the human?
CARL: Relax, T. This is my pal, Josh, from work. Josh, these are my friends. Gents, introduce yourselves.
BONES: (warily) Heya. I’m Bones.
REX: Ted, Ted Rex. Nice to eat you.
JOSH: (yelps and clings to Carl)
CARL: Rex!
REX: Meet! Meet, you! Haha…(trailing off) I meant “meet” you…meet…
CARL: Josh, this is Terry.
TERRY: Ah-hem. My name is Rhamphorhynchus.
JOSH: (extends hand, tries to be brave) Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Rhamphor…Rhamphoryheneekus…(drops his hand)..er, Sir.
CARL: Oh, cut it out, Terry. You know no one calls you that.
TERRY: Oh, too tough for the little human to pronounce, huh? I bet you can’t tell one dino from the next. (leans closer towards Josh to intimidate him) I suppose us dinosaurs all look alike to you, eh, Joshy?
JOSH: (offended) Actually, my name is Mr. Van Stantvoordtwyck. But I suppose all those Dutch names sound alike to you, eh, bird-boy?
TERRY: (enraged) Carl! You’d better shut him up.
CARL: Guys! Everyone please calm down. (moves to stand between Terry and Josh) Terry, Josh, relax. For Heaven’s sake, I thought you guys were my friends. Can’t you try to get along?
JOSH: Sorry, Carl. Sorry, Mr. uh..Ramfyrinker-
TERRY: Terry. Just..Terry is fine. Sorry, Carl. So, Mr. Stanvooder…
JOSH: Josh, please.
TERRY: So, Josh, you work with Carl at the water treatment plant, huh? Hey, Rexie, get me a cold one for Josh here. (tosses him one)
JOSH: Yep.
BONES: So, whadja think the first time you saw him?
(they all sit at the picnic table near the grill)
JOSH: Honestly? I thought I’d been working with the chemicals too long!
(They all laugh)
REX: So, you were scared?
JOSH: Well…you know, a little. I mean, it’s not every day you work the night shift with a Hadrosaur, you know? Well, at least for humans it’s not. But, (tipping his can to Carl) he’s a great guy. Easy to talk to.
CARL: You, too, bud.
BONES: Enough with the love fest. Hey, T-Man! Are those steaks gonna be done any time soon? I’m going extinct here!
JOSH: (chokes on his drink)
TERRY: What, you’ve never heard an extinction joke before?
JOSH: Well, I wasn’t really sure it was something to joke about…
BONES: Oh, sure. You’ve gotta joke about it. It helps, sometimes. You know, (putting an arm around Josh’s shoulders) being a dinosaur ain’t no picnic, amigo.
REX: I mean, sure, we’re big and ferocious and powerful…
TERRY: But we’ve had a rough time of it. Surviving multiple mass extinctions, trying to live and succeed in a culture that rejects and fears you, trying to send three kids to school on a crummy salary……
BONES: I hear that. Man, trying to find work in this city is like trying to find a complete Tyrannosaur skeleton…uh, no offense, Ted.
REX: ‘S all right, Bonesey. It’s true. Man, when I’m not on a project, it’s hard to get by.
JOSH: Project?
BONES: Oh, Rexie here’s an actor!
JOSH: Really?
REX: Yessir. Did you see Jurassic Park?
JOSH: Oh my gosh, that was you?
REX: Well, no. That was Joe “The Mouth” Carlotti. But I was his double’s stand in. Man, that guy was incredible. (taking a long drink) Ahhh….He preferred the stage, but, what can ya do… Seriously, acting these days is tough for dinosaurs. What with all the negative publicity…
JOSH: Negative publicity?
BONES: Oh, you know…those idiots who created Barney or..or Reptar. There’s just no respect nowadays.
TERRY: We used to be revered, damn it. I’m talking Godzilla, Planet of the Dinosaurs…the good old days.
REX: Now we’ve got all this Land Before Time crap. My friend Chuck, he’s a diplodocoid, mind, he says if he gets called “long neck” one more time…
JOSH: Wow…I had no idea it was so bad.
BONES: Oh yeah. No respect. It’s hard for a dino if he doesn’t sell out. You just gotta stick together, eh boys?
REX: Right on, Bonesey. Hey, who wants some meat!?
ALL EXCEPT CARL: Oh yeah! Bring it on. Feed me!
CARL: Got anything for me, Ted?
REX: Damn herbivore. Why don’t you go check out the garden around back?
CARL: Some host you are.
(CARL exits left)
REX: (dishing out some food for his guests) So, Josh. Carl tells us you’ve had some bad luck yourself lately. Wife leavin’ ya?
JOSH: Well…I’m not sure I want to talk about it.
BONES: Oh, come on! What’d she do? Run off with some rich guy?
JOSH: No…
BONES: (ignoring him) Because, man, do I know what that’s like. I dated this human chick for a while……
TERRY: Oh, no. Not this story again…
BONES: She was a babe, Josh. I mean, I have nothing against human women, but……let’s just say when I meet a human chick, she’s usually not the only one running and screaming….anyway, Judy, she was a definite hottie.
REX: Man, Bones! We’re trying to eat here. No one wants to hear about your romantic escapades with the postal worker!
BONES: Fine. And I don’t suppose you have any advice for the guy?
REX: I might. What’s the problem, Josh?
JOSH: Well…
BONES: Oh, c’mon. Spill it.
JOSH: (sighs) Okay. She says…she says I’m not…interesting.
(silence for a beat)
TERRY: She’s leaving you…because you’re not…interesting.
JOSH: (nods, near tears)
REX: How can someone with your last name not be interesting?
JOSH: Oh, it’s true. I am a boring, boring person. I work at the water treatment plant. I don’t have any special talents or fun hobbies. I’m just…I’m like the plain old water..and every one else is floc.
BONES: Floc?
JOSH: My life is like flocculation.
REX: You’re losing us, here, buddy.
JOSH: You know, in water purification. All the impurities gel together to form these white balls of gooey floc, and the pure water is just..filtered away. I have nothing to keep me from going down that drain…
TERRY: So..correct me if I’m wrong, here…You want to be…an impure ball of white goo?
JOSH: (wistfully) Just like you guys.
BONES: Hey, now-
REX: I think it’s a compliment, Bones.
JOSH: Everyone else has interesting things about them. Things that…that bring them together with other people…Like you guys, you all have this dinosaur thing…
TERRY: Well, don’t you have any human pals?
JOSH: (sighing again) Not really. Anyway, that’s no distinction. I guess I don’t have time for a social life. I work all the time, gotta support my wife and kid. Well…(tearfully) maybe not my wife anymore!
REX: Aww, hey man! Cheer up! We’ll help you out.
TERRY: We will?
BONES: Sure we will.
JOSH: Really? How?
REX: Well, let’s…think up a list of the interesting things about you.
JOSH: (snorts) That’ll be a short list. This (gesturing around him) is by far the most interesting thing I’ve ever done.
BONES: (thinks for a moment) That’s it!
TERRY: What’s it?
BONES: Call her up, Josh! Tell her to come over here and see just how interesting you are!
TERRY: Two humans at the barbeque?
REX: Hey, that just might work! She’ll see how diverse a group of friends you’ve got, and she’ll have to think you’re interesting!
JOSH: (overjoyed) You guys are great! Thanks, fellas, so much..I’ll…I’ll go call her right now!
(exits, right)
TERRY: I can’t believe this. I mean, sure, he’s not so bad. But two of them? What kind of party is this?
BONES: Oh relax, Ter. Remember that time you brought a lizard to the Super bowl party at Sal’s?
TERRY: Hey, how was I supposed to tell the difference? You guys didn’t know either, till he started sunning himself on Sal’s porch.
ALL: (grimacing) Ewww…
CARL: (enters from left with veggies, munching) Hey, guys. Where’s Josh?
REX: (belches) We ate him.
(Rex, Terry, and Bones all laugh loudly)
CARL: Very funny.
BONES: Take it easy. He’s calling his wife.
CARL: Really? What for?
TERRY: Something about gooey white balls.
CARL: What?!
REX: Floc. Anyway, you’re right. He’s not so bad.
TERRY: Yeah, he’s all right. Needs to loosen up a bit, but he’ll be okay. Did you find some grub?
CARL: Oh, yeah. (dumping his veggies out on the picnic table) Rex, Patty’s really got an impressive garden back there.
REX: Lord knows why..we can’t eat the stuff. (finishes his drink and smashes the can against the picnic table) Hey, did you hear about the Apatosaurus down on 3rd street?
CARL: No, what?
REX: I heard she devoured a factory!
CARL: Why?
REX: Hahaha! Because..ha! She’s a plant eater! Ha!
CARL: You’ve been saving that all afternoon, haven’t you?
TERRY: Rex, you’re an idiot.
BONES: Hey, Terry. Tell Carl about what your kid did.
CARL: What about little Ter?
TERRY: Carl, get his man-
JOSH: (enters from right, smiling) She’s on her way over!
CARL: Your wife?
JOSH: Yep!
BONES: Yeah, we thought she’d make good dessert.
(they all laugh again)
CARL: Monsters.
(lights down)
THE END