JOKES AND RIDDLES
This is a collection of all the jokes and riddles I have heard over the years.There are probably some here that you have heard before, but hey, there may be some you haven't heard too! So check em out!
RIDDLES
1. Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
2. Q: What do you call a rabbit with flees?
A: Bugs bunny!
3. Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on a head, I'll hang around
4. Q: Why is a river so rich?
A: Because it owns two banks!
5. Q: Why isn't your nose twelve inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
6. Q: What do ghosts chew?
A: Boo-ble gum!
7. Q: Why can't you drive a golf ball?
A: Becase it doesn't have a steering wheel!
8. Q: Why can't you bicycle stand up?
A: Because it is two-tired!
9. Q: What did one tonsil say to the other?
A: Get dressed, the doctor is taking us out
10. Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Something smells between us
11. Q: What did the hippi say to the invisible man?
A: Hey man, you're outta sight!
12. Q: Can you tell if and elephant is under your bed?
A: Yes, the ceiling seems close
13. Q: How do you catch the egyptian flu?
A: From your mummy
14. Q: What is always coming but never arrives?
A: Tomorrow, when it comes it is today!
15. Q: What has four legs, but can't walk?
A: A chair!
16. Q: When is a sailor not a sailor?
A: When he is a-board!
17. Q: Why are cooks cruel?
A: Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream!
18. Q: If a rooster laid an egg on top of a house, which way would it roll?
A: Roosters don't lay eggs!
19. Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they don't have glove compartments!
20. Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was standing on the deck!
21. Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: Are you going out tonight?
22. Q: What is brought to the table, cut, but never eaten?
A: A deck of cards!
23. Q: Where does the army buy its supplies?
A: At the general store
24. Q: Why is it hard for lepords to hide?
A: Because they are always spotted!
25. Q: What is a frogs favorite candy?
A: Lollihops
26. Q: What is the most popular saying in school?
A: I don't know!
27. Q: Why did the apple kiss the banana?
A: Because it had a-peal!
28. Q: What is always in front of you but you can never see it?
A: Your future!
29. Q: What has four legs, two legs, and three legs?
A: A man!
30. Q: What often runs but never walks?
A: Water!
31. Q: What's the best way to get on TV?
A: Sit on the set!
32. Q: An elephant is sitting on a stool. What time is it?
A: Time to get a new stool!
33. Q: What is too much for one person, enough for two people, but nothing for the third person?
A: A secret!
34. Q: What is another name for a duck?
A: A wise quacker!
35. Q: If two's company, and three's a crowd, then what are four and five?
A: Nine!
36. Q: How many insects are needed to fill a building?
A: Ten-ants!
37. Q: What can you break using one word?
A: Silence
38. Q: What always ends everything?
A: The letter "g"!
39. Q: Where does Friday come before Thursday?
A: In the dictionary!
40. Q: What do you give a sick canary?
A: Tweetment!
41. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
42. Q: What room has no floor, ceiling, windows or doors?
A: A mushroom!
43. Q: What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A: A sponge!
44. Q: What part of London is in France?
A: The letter "n"!
45. Q: What goes the furthest the slower it goes?
A: Money!
46. Q: What has no beginning, no end, and nothing in the middle?
A: A doughnut!
47. Q: If your dog lost his tail, where would you get another one from?
A: A retail shop!
48. Q: What country has the best appetite?
A: Hungary!
49. Q: Why are they building such a high fence around the graveyard?
A: Because everyones DYING to get in!
50. Q: What makes a hat talk?
A: Add a letter C and make it "Chat"!
51. Q: What has everyone seen but will never see again?
A: Last night!
52. Q: Have you ever been bitten by an ant?
A: No, but my uncle smacked me once!
53. Q: What do you call an elephant with no teeth?
A: Gumbo!
54. Q: Why is night heavier than day?
A: Because the day is light!
55. Q: Why didn't the melon get married?
A: Because it cantelope!
56. Q: What do you call a rich watermelon?
A: A melonaire!
57. Q: If people live in condos, where do ducks live?
A: In pondos!
58. Q: What kind of insect can't say yes or no?
A: A may-bee!
59. Q: What did the bee say to the flower?
A: "Hey bud, what time do you open?"
60. Q: What do bees say when they come home?
A: "Hi honey!"
61. Q: What time is it qwhen a lion comes to dinner?
A: Time to go
62. Q: What kind of music do angels listen to?
A: Soul music!
63. Q: Why does a ghost get upset when it rains?
A: The rain dampens its spirits!
64. Q: What would you get if you crossed a ghost with bambi?
A: Bamboo!
65. Q: What magazine do cats like to read?
A: Good mousekeeping!
66. Q: What is Mickey Mouse's favorite car?
A: A minnie van?
67. Q: What school do you go to to learn to greet people?
A: "Hi" school!
68. Q: Why did the students eat the math test?
A: The teacher told them it was a piece of cake!
69. Q: Wat did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity?
A: Nothing. He was in shock!
70. Q: When do clocks die?
A: When their time is up!
71. Q: What did one pencil say to the other?
A: "Please get to the point"
72. Q: What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
A: The actors get stage fright!
73. Q: What did the gingerbread man have on his bed?
A: Cookie sheets!
74. Q: Why does a milking stool only have three legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder one!
75. Q: What dance do opticians attend?
A: The eye ball!
76. Q: What kind of clothes does a house wear?
A: A coat of paint and address!
77. Q: What did the firefly say when it boarded the plane?
A: "Bye, I'm glowing now!"
78. Q: Why is baseball like a pancake?
A: They both start off with a batter!
79. Q: What book has the most stirring chapters?
A: A cookbook!
80. Q: What did one dinosaur fossil say to the other?
A: "I haven't seen you in ages!"
81. Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: At the north poll!
82. Q: What happened when the two rabbits got married?
A: They lived hoppily ever after!
83. Q: What is it called when two spiders get married?
A: A webbing!
84. Q: Why shouldn't you pollute the ocean?
A: Because you make the sea sick!
85. Q: Why is the ocean friendly?
A: Because it waves at you!
86. Q: What's an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?
A: The SPACE bar!
87. Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop!
88. Q: What kind of fruit is never alone?
A: A pear!
89. Q: What kind of tree has hands?
A: A palm tree!
90. Q: What do you call a single piece of firewood?
A: A mono-log!
91. Q: What driver never gets a ticket?
A: A screwdriver!
92. Q: What's a barbarian?
A: Someone who cuts your hair at the library!
93. Q: What would you get if you crossed a kangaroo with a cow?
A: A kangamoo!
94. Q: What kind of flowers grow in space?
A: Sunflowers!
95. Q: What do you serve that you can't eat?
A: A tennis ball!
96. Q: What is the only nut with a hole in it?
A: A doughnut!
97. Q: When is a piece of chicken like an instrument?
A: When it's a drumstick!
98. Q: What happened to the human cannonball at the circus?
A: It got hired and fired the same day!
99. Q: What did the teddy bear say after eating dinner?
A: I'm stuffed!
100. Q: What do you call a man who washes whales?
A: A blubber scrubber!
101. Q: What can you hold without ever touching it?
A: A conversation.
102. Q: What clothes does a house wear?
A: Address.
103. Q: What country makes you shiver?
A: Chile.
104. Q: What did one elevator say to the other?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
105. Q:What did one magnet say to the other?
A: I find you very attractive.
106. Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing Arkansas.
107. Q: What did Delaware?
A: Her New Jersey.
108. Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: Don't move, I've got you covered.
109. Q: What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
A: Seven months old!
110. Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice!
111. Q: What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A: A piano!
112. Q: What kind of cats like to go bowling?
A: Alley cats!
113. Q: What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
A: Deviled eggs!
114. Q: How do you prevent a Summer cold?
A: Catch it in the Winter!
115. Q: How does a pig go to hospital?
A: In a hambulance!
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