Well, here they are. LoTR parodies -- the movies as well as the book. Also ... stupid comments made while watching the movies. Just sort of... made up in time by The Pack and whatnot. ^_^
Frodo: Put some more fagots on the fire, Sam.
Sam: Whatever you say, Mr. Frodo! *scurries off*
*comes back with Gandalf and pushes him in the fire*
Frodo: Not that kind of fagot, Sam!!! Put it out you fool, put it out!!
er-- side note: fagot: noun
Etymology: Middle English fagot, from Middle French
Date: 14th century
: BUNDLE: a bundle of sticks
Elrond: Nine companions. So be it. You shall be the fellowship of the ring. All you have to do, is follow the yellow brick road.
Frodo: Follow the yellow brick road?
Legolas: Follow the yellow brick road!
All: *link arms and sing* Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road!
Boromir: You are no elf.
Aragorn: *silent*
Boromir: *looks at sword, poicks it up, cuts finger* It's still sharp.
Aragorn: (from corner) Aren't you the smart kid...
Galadriel: ...I smell it in the air...oh wait, no, that's just Arwen...
Pippin: What was that?
Frodo: *waves hand* A Ringwraith, silly!
Celeborn: Eight that are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me where is Gandalf, for I very much desire to speak with him.
Galadriel: He has fallen into shadow.
Celeborn: Tch! Boy, not much gets past you!
Arwen: Why do you fear the past?
Aragorn: Because you're in it!
Boromir: (referring to the dirty floors of Mordor) There is evil there that does not sweep.
Gandalf: It reads The Door of Durin, Lord of Moria. Pay toll, and enter.
Pippin: What do you suppose that means?
Boromir: They have a cave toll.
Galadriel: *goes all blue and shrieks*
Frodo: So that's what PMS feels like...*shudder*
Galadriel: *reaches for ring* I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this...
Celeborn: *voice calling* Galadirel! Would you stop messing with the hobbits for two seconds?!
Aragorn: I swore to protect you.
Frodo: Can you protect me from yourself?
Aragorn: Aw, damn, this is one of them logic/philosophy questions, isn't it?
Boromir: ...the White City will fall...and all will come to ruin...*places hand in Aragorn's hair* EUGH! My god your'e sweaty...*wipes hand on A's cloak*
Agagorn: I can avoid being seen if I wish....but to disappear entirely...well, yeah I can do that too...
King Theoden: (before Helm's Deep) Well it can't get much worse than this.
*begins to rain*
King Theoden: Shit.
Gandalf: *whistles for Shadowfax*
(Shadowfax runs gracefully across plains of gold to meet the wizard)
(trips, falls, hooves flail in air)
-or-
Gandalf: *whistles for Shaodwfax*
(Shadowfax runs gracefully across the plains of golod to meet the wizard)
Aragorn: It's gotta be the puppy chow...
Pippin: Wait! Turn around, take us south.
Treebeard: South? But that will lead you past Isenguard.
Pippin: I know. If we go south, we can slip past Saruman unnoticed. The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It's the last thing he'll expect.
Merry: Wow, Pip! Good job! You deserve a cookie! As well as a sticker!
Celine: In place of a singer, you would have a DIVA!!!!
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING IN AN HOUR
Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring.
Bilbo: Okay. Bye!
Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo.
Frodo: Doo-de-do.
Nazgul: Boo!
Frodo: Eeeek!
Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!
Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek!
Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!
Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends!
Frodo: No time for you, weirdo.
Tom Bombadil: (disappears)
Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my
business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set.
Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming.
Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs
and war machinery which were in plain sight.
Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a
high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not
prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the
canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.
Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile.
Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?
Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right?
Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs)
It's okay, I'll save you.
Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet?
Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm.
Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names-
Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.
Strider: Go away, bad men!
Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered
by this one Ranger!
Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don't knock it.
Sam: Elves are cool!
Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.
Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!
Legolas: Same for me!
Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now.
Gandalf: But I just got here.
Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason.
Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.
Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!
Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so-
[THUD]
Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines.
Strider: Let the dwarf have his way.
Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door.
Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
Boromir: What a bunch of dicks.
Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF]
Sam: Such magic.
Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
Gimli: Boo hoo.
Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!!
Gandalf: Twit.
Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea
how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines?
Boromir: (Slash)
Legolas: (Pfft)
Gimli: (Whack)
Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
Frodo: Ouch!
Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick
while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh?
Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.
Gandalf: We are so doomed.
Strider: Not if we run away! (does so)
Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows)
hobbits: (already in the lead)
Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
Legolas: We don't have to . . .
Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*.
Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him)
Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!
Frodo: I'm over it.
Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.
Legolas: Wondrous are these woods!
Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves.
Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate.
Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves.
Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time?
Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror
are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.
Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be!
Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring.
Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions.
Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it.
Celeborn: Check-out time!
Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down-
Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough.
Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.
Boromir: Give me the ring.
Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible,
it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.
Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom!
Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head?
Ah, this will do nicely. (whack)
Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous
place in the world.
Sam: Works for me. (they leave)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically)
Pippin: Christ, look at the size of these guys, we're dead meat.
Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and
we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . .
miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good.
Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow.
Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in hell
I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact
opposite direction.
Legolas: Okay.
Gimli: Sure.
THE END
Top 11 LOTR Movie lines that could be improved by adding "Without Pants"
11. "Nobody tosses a dwarf...without pants."
10. "I am leaving now...without pants."
9. "A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisly when he means to...without pants."
8. "Long has the blood of my people kept your lands free...without pants!"
7. "Nasty Bagginses...without pants."
6. "If you want him, come and claim him...without pants!"
5. "Find the halflings...without pants!"
4. "She said there was no hope for my land...without pants."
3. "I would have followed you into Mordor itself...without pants."
2. "So, where are we going...without pants?"
1. "You...shall not...pass...without pants!"