Day 1

     Alright, I went to Mexico for Spring Break '97 and had the best time of my life. Unfortunately, many people were scared to talk to me because I looked like a damn leper. This is the story about what happened. First night, we all went to a club and got completely hammered. Came back to the hotel and did a little visit to the pool. I decided to take a little swim and stripped down to my skivies and dove into the deep end of the pool. Problem is there was no deep end! The entire damn pool was all but 3 ft deep. I bashed my nose on the bottom (I figured this out a minute or two later when I tasted the blood!) but I didn't feel it until the next day.

     Ok, day 1 is over, I look like an idiot and I'm still alive. I had to try and fix that on day 2. We went to Joe's Oyster Club. Again completely smashed and tired of dancing on the bar I stepped out onto the sand. Next thing I knew this huge fat guy fell out of a coconut tree and nearly landed on me. I looked down at him and said

ME: "Holy shit! What the hell happened to you?!!?"
FATSO: "Man I fell out of that tree trying to get some coconuts."
ME: "You stupid, fat, piece of shit! You couldn't make it up that tree! I'll bet you money I can make it up there and get some coconuts!"

     Up the tree I went, it had to be an easy 25ft tall but not too difficult to climb. I got to the top and started to pull on this coconut. The stupid thing wouldn't budge so I started twisting, tugging, and then finally just yanked on it. POP! One down. the next nine or so came down with out much of a fight. People on the ground were going nuts! They were chanting "Monkeyboy! Monkeyboy!" By this time though I was starting to get tired and feeling like I may fall so I began to climb down. If you've ever see how sailors go down ladders like in Crimson Tide that's about how I managed to get out of that tree. Don't do that it hurts like crazy when you rip all that skin off your forearm and leg.
    As soon as my feet hit the ground someone grabbed my left arm and shoulder. I turned around to see the damn security guard just sorta shaking his head as he led my out of the club. I thought, that's cool he'll just kick me out and I can sneak back in. Well he didn't let go of me at the door and we kept walking towards the hotel and street. The entire time he kept sayong something about "coconus" and "senior" I don't speak a damn bit of spanish so I had no clue. I thought about running because I was afraid he might arrest me but decided against it because he would more than likely just take me to the street. And there it was, the street and freedom but wait! We weren't heading for the street but for the security guard shack where undoubtedly the ploicia would come and get me. Hell why not light a cigarette?
     Inside the shack the sat me down and threw my cigarette on the floor. They mentioned the "senior" and "coconus" again but now there was something new... "80 pesos!" Basically I had to pay this guy off or goto jail, I felt prety smart for figuring this out since I understood all of 4 words he said to me. I paid the pesos (aprox. $10USD), gave the guy a hug saying "gracias Senior" and walked out of the shack. But then I went back to get my cigarette, I mean they can take my money but not my smokes! At this point the guard started speaking english (they all can down there) and told me his friend took it. I argued with hime for a while until he let my back into the shack to check it out. Sure enough it was gone, so back to the club I went. Day 2 ends.

No injuries

      I did great all day at not killing myself! Got to the club, got hammered, had people ask about my disfigurements, and got all the way back to the hotel. They sell the worlds best hotdogs on the street there and I just had to have one. I never like to eat alone so I looked for some friends to go with me. I found Jose (he speaks english like the rest of em) sitting on his balcony and tried to talk him into buying a few. He wasn't too interested so I told him I was off. Just as I was yelling this from on top of this short little fall I fell off. I swear that I forgot to fall for a split second because I had enough time to look down and realize my short little wall was about 8 ft tall on the other side! I also realized that that really wasn't that deep and I could probably land it. Then I remembered how to fall and began doing so. Somehow I managed to land on my feet and not hurt myself, I almost died laughing and I could hear Jose laughing too. I walked back to the wall and climbed up, incidently reopening the wounds on my arms. Eventually I did get my hotdogs and damn they were so good that I didn't even care that I just fell off the wall.

     Had a great rest of the vacation even though I didn't get any play due to the way I fucked myself up, not even off the love of my life (hi Jennifer!). Needless to say I had a blast and met a lot of great people. Two tall knock out Canadians name Laura-lynn and Marian and young looking forty-something ladies from Minnesota that went bar hopping with us all night. Then there's my girl Jennifer, Joleen, Raoul, and Ralph. The moral is, if you're going to Mazatlan bring a big first-aid kit just incase, stay say, always run from the security, be wise anbout running from policia, don't dive in 3 ft pools, watch out for thoses coconut trees, "and don't drink that damn tequilla, that shit'll make you do things you won't even imagine!"