Title: What if

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: MSR 

Spoiler: Redux 1, Redux 2.

Summary: Mulder is given the cure for Scully's cancer but 
it has a price:
He has to leave her. 

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.


She was heaven on this earth. Her touch made him see so
clear. She was everything that was good in his life. She
was the light in the dark, a soft place to fall and a
love he had longed for.

Fox Mulder stood starring up at the dark sky. Her face had
followed him everywhere, her scent was all around. How could
he leave her when every part of him screamed after her? But
he had no choice. Of all the people that had passed through
his life, of all the loves, she was the one true thing. He
needed her like water, like the air. And now he had to give
that up. He had to turn around and walk away from the only
thing in his life he cherished. He closed his eyes and 
prayed for strength.

One day earlier
  
He moved in the shadows, never touching the light. 
He was the prince of darkness holding the power to extinguish 
life in one hand and secrets beyond human beliefs in the other.
He was everything that people feared in bodied.  
Cigarette-smoking man had always liked Fox Mulder. 
Mulder had everything that he lacked. But he was never jealous.
He knew all to well that he had the power in his hands to get 
everything he wanted. So he wasn't worried. He trusted in 
his own knowledge and power. He had studied Mulder for years. 
Seeing him grow was a joy he had never thought was possible. 
Fox Mulder had grown to be a worthy adversary in the game he
liked to play. 


He could feel him before he saw him. During the years he 
had learned to trust that feeling. Cancer man was close. 
It was like waiting for the devil to come and bring you 
down to hell.
- You're late.
Mulder turned around to face the man that had caused 
him so much pain.
- Shut up and tell me why I am here.
Cancer man smiled and took up another cigarette.
- I have proposal for you...
- - I don't make deals with the devil.  It's not my stile.
- - I have something you want.
- - Nothing you could give me would...
- - The cure for Scully's cancer.
Cancer man saw the disbelief in his eyes and said:
- She's dying. No doctor can save her.
- Don't say that! 
Mulder wanted to reach out and squeeze the life out of 
the man that was standing in front of him. 
- You have the chance to save her.
Mulder closed his eyes and in a brief moment he could see 
her face. Pale, dying. Maybe this was selling his soul to 
the devil. But in that moment he knew that he couldn't stand 
the thought of losing her forever.
- How can I know you're telling me the  truth?
- You can't.
Cancer man reached inside his coat and took out a small tube 
made of steal.
- This all you need.
Mulder took the tube and said:
- What the hell is this?
- The cure.
- What do you want for this?
- I want you.
- What do you mean?
- I want you to walk away from the X-fiiles and FBI. 
Resign your post and never turn back. 
You will not have any contact with Scully or someone else 
in the FBI. You have to burn all bridges. 
- Just like that.
- Just like that.
- You think I would give up just like tthat.
- You have to. Or else she will die. 
Mulder starred at the man standing in front of him. 
So he had to make a choice. Save Scully or the X-files. 
- You have no idea who you are dealing  with. You have no idea how
powerful we are.
- You keep saying that....
- So what's your answer?
- What if I six months from now contactt her or start up the
X-files somewhere else. Starting to look into this again.
- Then she will die. 
- You can't do that. The murder of a FBBI-agent would make 
the headlines, a big investigation.
- You really think we couldn't stop thaat. You really 
think we haven't the power.
So this was it. He had to give up. He had to stop struggling. 
Cancer man could see the light in Mulder's eyes dying. 
- I have to take this to her. I have too...
- Give it to the doctor. Then you'll bee given a address, 
go to your apartment, tell no one. 
Then leave. You'll never return. If you do...



- I know...You don't have to tell me....
Maybe this was madness to give up the fight just like that. But he 
couldn't take the chance. He had to save her.
- How long do I have?
- Until midnight.





So this was letting go. He would save her life by giving her up. 
He had lost the battle in a blink of an eye. He had no idea of 
this was another lie. But he had to believe. If he had the 
opportunity to save her he had to take it regardless of what
was the price.
Fox Mulder stood in the doorway to her room. She was sleeping.
He had given the cure to the doctor. He had given it to her without
telling her who it was from. It was just another chance. But Mulder
knew that it would cure her. He could feel it. His time was soon up.
Midnight was creeping closer and closer. 
He walked up slowly to her bed.
The moon came in to the room through the window and painted her face
in beautiful colures. He had never thought that he would know such 
pain. She was so beautiful. He kneeled down beside her. He was crying
now. He slowly traced her mouth with his fingers trying
to take everything in, remembering everything about her. 
- O, god Scully..... 
He leaned his cheek against her hand and let all his feelings out. 
- I love you...
Then he slowly got up on weak legs. In the moment he left her side 
he could feel his heart tearing apart. He stopped in the doorway and
looked back at her and whispered in to the night:
- God be with you, Scully. Goodbye...
Then he walked away.

Two days later.

Dana Scully woke slowly. She opened her eyes and 
found herself feeling different. The pain that had run 
through her body, killing her from inside was now just a memory
from days gone by. She had won the battle. She had
fooled death for a while. She was given another chance. 
She had slept for days. Sometimes it felt like years. 
They had moved her out of the intensive care and in to a nice 
room a floor below. She sat up and 
found her mom sleeping in a chair by her bed. She reached out 
and touched her mother's cheek.
- Mom, wake up.
Maggie Scully opened her eyes and smiled at her daughter. 
She had surrendered herself totally to her beliefs and prayed 
to god not to take her daughter away from her. Not again. 
She had lost to many in her life. She couldn't take much
more pain. She took her daughter in her arms and closed her eyes.
- Oh, Dana, my love...
- I feel fine.
- You should rest.
- I have rested. I feel fine. I want too get out of this place.
- You have to take it easy. We don't knnow if....
- I know... Believe me...But I can't juust lie around 
waiting for death. The doctor tells me that the cancer has 
gone into remission. It's miracle,
I know.
- But what if...
- Please, mom... I can't live my life aafraid that the cancer
will come back.
There's so much I want to do.
- Please, take care of you.
- You know I will.





She was back. Dana Scully walked the halls of FBI with her 
head hold high. She was a winner.
She had won the battle against the darkness that had threaten to
end her life. 
She entered their office with a smile upon her face 
expecting Mulder to be there greeting her. But only a silence 
met her. He hadn't come to visit her when she
was in recovery. He hadn't called or sent a message. 
But she hadn't been disappointed. It was typical Mulder.
- Scully...
She turned around and found Walter Skinner standing in the doorway. 
- It's nice to see you, Sir.
- Are you okay, Scully?
- Yes, sir. Couldn't be better. Have yoou seen Mulder?
- Has he been in contact with you?
- No, why.
- Look at this.
He gave her a letter. 
- What's this?
- It's madness. It's Mulder's resignatiion.
- What?
- I found it on my desk. 
- When?
- Two days ago.
- Have you tried to call him? 
- I have called. There's no answer. I hhave been to the 
apartment. It looks like he left in a hurry.
- But why?
- I have no idea.
Scully stood there with fear creeping closer and closer. 
He was gone. 

She opened the door to his apartment with the key he had 
entrusted her with. 
Her heart was racing. The silence that met her when she entered
his home scared her more than anything. 
She had been here so many times that she almost called it 
her second home. If the walls could talk they could tell 
stories about a life lived to the fullest. When she stood 
in his living room she almost wanted them to talk to tell 
her what had happened. She went through some papers on his desk
but found nothing. The answer machine didn't give her any help 
either. She wanted to scream. She just needed one clue, one point
in the right direction. But wherever she looked she was giving
no clue of where he had gone.

Somewhere in Minnesota

He hated this place from the moment he stepped foot in the cabin.
So this was to be his home: a small cabin in the mountains. 
He had brought nothing more than a bag with clothes and her photo.
He carried it in the pocket of his shirt and during the trip he
had looked at it several times. Maybe he was afraid that he would 
forget her face if he didn't carried it with him everywhere. 
But he felt so safe with the thought of her. 
He had wished that he had been able to hold her one final time.
But he had to be strong now. This was for the best. 
He was saving her life. 





Scully's apartment

The moon was her only company. She was sitting by the window 
starring out into the dark night. She couldn't sleep. She hadn't
gotten much sleep since he went away. It had been two weeks now 
and no word. Not even a letter. Her whole soul screamed out for 
a sign that he was okay. Sometimes when the phone rang she expected
to hear his voice at the end of the line but she was always 
disappointed. The FBI gave her no help. 
They had his resignation so they were satisfied with that. 
Even the Lone Gunmen couldn't find Mulder. It was like he had 
dropped of the face of the earth. 
The office was so quiet when he wasn't there. 
She missed his smile. She wanted to hold him, talk to him. 
She needed him more than she ever had known. Her place in life 
was by his side. He was her friend and soul mate. She wanted him
in her life. Her heart ached when he wasn't there. 

One month later

She came to him in his dreams again and chased away his nightmares.
He reached for her only to find that she slipped through his 
grasp like water. He always woke with a longing that made it
hard to breath. He had started to get use to his new home. 
He found it peaceful. He read a lot of books. But sometimes he 
found her face on every page. If he closed his eyes he could 
hear her. He still could remember every line of her face and 
the scent she brought with her. He sometimes believed that he 
was going crazy. But he had to stay strong. He had to believe 
that he had made the right choice. He had to survive this pain.

The phone woke her. She sat up and reached for the phone.
- Hallo.
A silence met her on the line.
- Hallo.
- Scully....
His voice. She almost thought she was dreaming.
- Mulder, where are you?
- I just wanted to hear your voice.
- Tell me where you are.
- Are you okay?
- Mulder, tell me where you are.
- I can't tell you that.
- Mulder, please.
- Don't ask me... I can't...
- Please, I need to know.
- Goodbye, Scully..
- Don't hang up!
- I have to go.
Then he was gone. 

Two days later.

It was dark when a knock on the door woke him from his 
daydreaming. She was at his door. She had never looked so beautiful. 
- Can I come in?
He was alive. She had finally found him. She had tracked 
him down with the help of the Lone Gunmen. She had thought long 
and hard about what she was going to say to him when she was 
finally standing before him again. But now when she was 
standing there she couldn't remember anything. She wanted to 
take him in her arms and just him close, never let him go again.
But she remained her calm self.
- You look great, Scully.
His new home was a little cottage with two rooms and a kitchen. 
She had never imagined that he could stay there. There was no TV, 
not even a radio.
He wanted to touch her. His whole body screamed out for it. 
But once again fear got in the way. 
This wasn't the time or the place.
- How did you find me?
- Why did you leave, Mulder?
- You shouldn't be here, Scully.
- Why's that?
- Please, leave.
- How can you say that? I have a right  to know!!!
- Please, just leave...
- Tell me...
- I can't
- Damn you, Mulder. I have searched eveerywhere for you... 
I thought you were dead, for god sake!
In her eyes he could see the pain that his choice had caused her.
But he was saving her life. He had to be strong. He had to do this.
- Please, Scully. If I mean anything too you, you'll take your car 
and leave this place and never return.
She was falling apart. Every part of her body was slowly breaking 
down. 
- Tell me, I need to know. Why?
He walked up to her, took her face between his hands and looked 
her straight into her eyes. He loved her. He worshiped her. 
He needed her. He desired her. Every part of him screamed out in
pain when he saw the sorrow in her beautiful eyes.
- Mulder, come back. I promise to...
She had never felt so weak. A long time ago she had vowed 
never to ask anyone to love her but now when she was standing before
the only man she ever had loved her walls was crumbling.
- Scully, please go...I can't....
Cancer mans words was ringing in his head. She was in danger 
when he was close. The cancer had just been one thing his quest 
for the truth had caused her. He was responsible. He leaned his 
forehead against hers and whispered his plead once again:
- Leave me.
- I can't.
- Yes, you can.
- Please tell me. We can fix what ever  it is. 
- No, we can't. This has to end sometimmes. 
- How can you say that? What about everrything you have seen, 
everything we have shared. Was it all just lies? 
- No. I will never forget it. I will neever forget you.
- Please, come back to me.
- I can't.
- Yes, you can.
Then she kissed him. His lips were so soft. She needed to this. 
She needed to prove to him what she was feeling.
In that moment she kissed him he knew that he had lost this battle.
He had found his heaven. She tasted like summer and spring all
rolled up into one. He tangled his hand in her hair and with the
other he pushed her closer.
She had never felt so much alive as she did in his arms. 
She needed this. She wanted this. She traced her hand under his 
shirt and ran it up his stomach and stopped at sensitive skin 
above his heart. She could almost feel his heart racing. 
When she looked up into his eyes she could see the same fear that 
she knew all to well. But she knew that this was 
the right thing to do. She smiled at him.

His bedroom was not big: just a bed and a desk. 
But they didn't need much.
Her hands were trembling when she undressed before him. 
Her skin looked like silk in the moonlight. She was perfect. 
Without saying a word he walked up to her looked her straight 
into her eyes and whispered:
- You're so beautiful.
Then he kissed her. He traced the inside of her lips with his 
tongue and then he went deeper. She ran her hand down his naked back,
feeling every part of him. He was her hero, her perfect gentleman 
and her only love.
When he took her hand and took her to the bed she knew that 
she would never ever love another. He had her heart. 
As the night crew stronger they tasted every part of each other 
and fell into each other. And finally as the dawn broke they fell 
asleep in each other's arms.

 He woke slowly. The sun was coming in through the window and 
casting its long arms into the room. She was still asleep when he 
slipped from the bed. He could still taste her on his lips and it 
felt like her touch was forever branded into his skin. 
It felt like an angel had touched him. So this was heaven. 
Never had he imagined that he could feel like this. Sometimes he 
had thought that he would never love. He walked up to the window 
and smiled at the sun. 
As he stood there the words that had haunted him for months now 
came back like a wave. She was in danger. 
They were going to kill her.

- Come back to bed.
Her voice woke him from daydreaming. He looked back at 
her and smiled. She was a beauty. Her hair was in a mess and her 
lips were still red of their night. She smiled back at him.
Reality hit him in the stomach and made him remember. 
This changed everything. He had so much to loose. His world. 
His life. His love. His everything.
- I meant what I said before. I can't ccome back..
His words hurt her more than she thought was possible. 
- Mulder...
- No...it has to be like that. You havee to return. 
I have to stay here.
- But, why?
- Please, don't ask.
She got up and rapped herself in the cover. She walked up 
to him and reached for him but he slipped from her hand.
- No, I can't do this.
- Didn't last night mean anything?
He turned around and looked her straight into her eyes.
- More than you know.
- Then please don't push me away. We caan fight this together.
- I'm not sure we can.
- Tell me! I can handle it.
He looked into her eyes and saw a strength inside her that he 
knew he needed; a strength that could conquer the darkness that
threatened their life. He was so tired of the lies, of the 
loneliness and the pain. He needed her in his life. 
He wanted to fight. He craved it.
- He came to me when you were sick. He  came to me with a miracle. 
- Who?
- Cancer man. He offered me the cure foor your cancer.
She starred at him. 
- I always thought that it was some kinnd of miracle, 
that the doctors found something in the last moment. 
I never questioned them.
- He gave it to me not as a gift. It waas more like a threat. 
- What do you mean?
- The prize for your life, for the curee, was that I would 
leave the FBI and the X-files and never return. I would leave you. 
- Mulder, I....
- Don't say anything!
She walked up to him and took him into her arms.
- You saved me.
- They will kill you if you stay with mme.
- No, they won't.
They were untouchable when they stayed together, 
or at least it felt like that when she stood there 
with her head against his chest.
- They are powerful. We can't fight eveeryone.
- We'll get through this.
- They said they would kill you if you  stay with me. 
I can't take that chance.
- Not even wild horses can drag me awayy from you.
She lifted her head and looked him into his dark eyes.
- Please, Scully. I can't stand losing  you again.
- I will never leave you.
- But...
- You talk to much..
Then she planted the softest kiss on his lips, took his 
hand and dragged him back to bed. As the sun warmed their 
bodies she whispered:
- I love you so, Mulder.
Mulder looked down at her and saw the love in her eyes and 
he knew that her love would give him the strength of hundreds 
of knights. He felt like he could fly. He smiled at her and said:
- And I love you...
Then he kissed her.
During that day promises were given that would last forever 
and somewhere beyond the clouds an angel smiled down at the 
two lovers. 
Together in each other's arms they were stronger than anything. 
Forever. /


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