Title: The time of my life

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: MSR

Spoiler: None

Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Summary: Mulder is trapped in a cave and time is running out.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: Inspired by an episode of the show "Seven days".
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.

I can't remember how I got here. Or even why. But I don't care.
My head hurts and I feel so tired. The darkness surrounds me
and I feel so cold. I know I should fight. I know I should be
standing up and struggle against the darkness. But I feel so
tired. My body can't take much more. My flashlight is slowly
dying and I know that I haven't much time left. 
Maybe it isn't so bad to end my life like this?
I know I will never be in the history books and I haven't 
done anything of those things that make a man great. But I 
have no regrets.
Sure, I have missed a lot of things. I have sacrificed many
things to get where I am today. Sometimes I wonder if it was
all worth it. I'm a joke in the eyes of my co-workers and I
have lost a lot of those I love in this struggle to find the
truth. My father. After Samantha disappeared he never looked
at me in the same way. I never saw him weep for her but I know
how he hurt. He pushed us away, all of us. He never saw me. 
I grew up wanting to prove that I was worthy of his love. I 
wanted to hear him say that he was proud of me. But time passed
too quickly and I lost him to the darkness that entered my life.
When the secrets that he had been keeping was revealed I tried
to understand. I searched high and low for an answer. But no 
answer was given to me. 
Then my mother passed away. We got some years together. But not
enough. There is still so much I want to tell her. I want to
tell her how grateful I am to be her son. I want to tell her
that I'm sorry for all of those harsh words and all of those 
late nights she stayed up worrying about me. I'm sorry for all
of the pain that I caused her. I'm sorry for so much. I'm 
sorry that I didn't tell her more that I love her. I'm sorry
I didn't cling on to the few days we had together. 
Maybe I was to blind of the quest for the ultimate truth; the
answer to the question that haunted my dreams as long as I 
could remember; what really happened to Samantha?, that I 
didn't see the pain it caused the people around me. But she
was my sister, so what could I do? I refused to sit back and
just surrender to the thought that she was dead. I was so 
young and I was determent to find her, to bring her back to
the family that loved her. I saw how the lose of her drove
a wedge between my parents that not even I could mend. It
took me a lot of dead ends and a lot of tears until that day
the truth was revealed to me. I kept hoping right up to the
end that I find her alive and all grown up. But some part of
me had already surrendered to the truth. She was gone. That
night I finally let go of her ghost.
During all these years with the X-Files I have seen so much.
My perception of what the world is like has changed a million
times over. I know now that we're not alone. I know that I 
can't prove it. But I don't care anymore. I refuse to fight.
I'm too tired to fight the ghosts that keep on winning. I have
seen evil in its purest form but I'm not afraid. I used to 
fear that the darkness the surrounded my life would eat me
alive. But then she entered my life. Dana Scully. This little
redhead managed to pierce through the armor I wore to protect
my heart from the world. When she first walked through my door
I labeled her as spy sent down to watch me but I know now that
she's an angel. I had gotten use to being alone and every 
partner I have ever had had hated me. So I expected her to 
head for the door as soon as she got to know me. But she 
stayed. She stood by my side when we went into battle. She 
saved my life over and over again. She sacrificed so much for
our fight. Her sister, her father, her health and her child. 
Was it all worthy it? I have not gotten closer to the truth.
I have just more questions.
But I will not regret falling in love with her. For me love
came slowly. It wasn't like in some love story and it wasn't
love at first sight. You can say it crept up on me. It took
a long time for me to open up and really trust her. We became
friends. I don't know the exact day or even when I started to
love her and not like a friend but like a woman. But I do love
her, more then I thought was possible to love another human
being. The love fills my heart and warms my cold soul. I never
told her. There is still so much I want to tell her.

The light has gone out now and the cold creeps closer. The
walls of this cave seem closer somehow. My fingers hurt after
digging in the sand, desperate to get out. But I know now
that is no use. The way out has been blocked with huge rocks
and there is no other way out. Believe me, I have tried to get
out. My hands are bleeding after trying. I lay down on the
cold, hard ground. It's getting harder to breathe now. I'm
not afraid of death. I have never been and I'm not going to
start now. Is my time on this earth up? I'm ready to go now.
As I lay here looking back at my life I know that I have few
regrets. I have made choices in my life that might have not
been the greatest ones but they're still my choices and I 
stand behind them. 
My vision becomes blurry now and I feel so tired. The cold
enters my body slowly. So this is dying. I know there is 
still so much to do. There's still so much left unsaid. But 
I don't care anymore. I will not look back at my life and 
say that it was all for nothing. I have had a wonderful life
and now my time on this earth is slipping away. I will not
go with any rage in my heart. I will not go with any regrets.
I know that I'm leaving her behind. But she'll be fine. She
so strong, stronger than she knows. I know she knows that I
love her and I know she feels the same. 
I have to accept that my time is up. 
I will look death straight into its eyes when
it comes for me. 
I close my eyes and let it in.

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