Title:The day my heart died

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category:MSR, V, 

Spoiler: None

Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Summary: Mulder has been found and Scully gets some bad news.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

It's funny but I thought I would feel more. I thought I would
be laying face down on the floor with a big hole were my 
heart should be. But I'm still walking around. Maybe I'm
stronger than I know or it's just a natural state of mind.
I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I thought I had
it all figured out. I thought I had it all lined up in a nice
row. I have always planned my life so carefully. I couldn't
go through life without planning ahead. My father taught me 
to always think before I act and that's me. So I never saw
the bend in the road. I never saw it coming. Maybe that's a 
lie. I can't say that I never considered it. But I've never 
actually thought it would happen. They say that with age comes
wisdom. But I'm not so sure. I'm still learning. I'm still
naive when it comes to certain things. I still can't believe
it happened. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and this will all be
just another nightmare.
 
The sun woke me that day as it always does. I woke before my
alarm clock so I turned and shut that thing off. It was just
another day in the life of me. I got up but as soon as my feet
touched the cold floor I turned and went back to bed. I slipped
under the covers and closed my eyes. I wanted to go back to
sleep but I knew I had to get up. I sighed and finally 
surrendered to that thought. I took a quick shower and dressed
in a dark suit. I ate a quick breakfast before I slipped out
the door heading for work. I can't say that this day was 
different from all the others. I did the same things I always
have done for as long as I remember. I had no idea that this 
was the day my world shattered when I opened the door to
my little office in the basement of the FBI. I call it "my 
office" these days. It's my home now when Mulder is away. I 
feel him closer somehow here. Sometimes when I stay late I 
can almost hear his voice in the dark. I know, it's crazy
talking. But I feel content with the thought that he's out 
there somewhere just waiting for that right road to take him
back home. I know that they are talking behind my back. I know
what they are saying. I know that they think he's dead and 
I know they think I'm crazy to cling to a man that has been
missing for more than a year now. But I refuse to give up 
hope. How can I give up? I'll not give up until I see his 
lovely face before me once again. He belongs here with me.
I never believed that there was one special person out there
just for me. I never thought I could find my match. But I did.
It took me several years to see that. I was blind and foolish.
But I know he'll come back to me someday. I'll be here waiting
for him. William and me.

They found him in the morning right after the sun warmed the
earth. A man walking his dog found a body lying on its back
on a field right outside his house. The first police officer
on the scene identified the body as male in his thirties
with brown hair and dark eyes. Five hours later the body was
Identified as that of the missing FBI-agent Fox Mulder.

I got the call around noon. I don't how I actually managed to
speak when I heard that they had found him. My voice trembled
a bite when I asked how he was doing. Silence meet me at the 
other end of the line and then the man informed me. He was 
dead. Dead. Found dead. Those words kept on playing over and
over in my head like a broken record. I can't remember what
I did or how I acted when I got the news. All I can remember
is the feeling of disbelief. I have been prepared for bad news
like that for months, but I have never actually believed that
they would really come. I sat there in the office for a long
time after hanging up just starring out into thin air. Should
a broken heart be beating? I felt numb all over. I felt like
I couldn't move. It felt like someone had pushed a knife 
right through my heart and now he's was asking me to walk 
around like it was no big deal. I know I said I wouldn't give
up. I know I said I would be strong. I failed them all. 
My heart is blown in to thousands of pieces. I know I should
be crying. But I can't. Not now. Not here. I refuse to 
surrender to those feelings here. I will not give them the 
satisfaction of seeing me cry.  I close my eyes and try to 
collect myself. I have to be strong now. I have to find the
strength inside of me to be able to get up from this chair and
move around. 
I can hear Skinners footsteps in the hallway. I know the sound
of them by heart now. I know him. I fear facing him. I fear 
facing them all. What will I say? How should I act? Is it 
wrong not to cry? Is it wrong to be alive? What should I do?
I rise. My legs feel weak. I move like a robot. I feel it 
harder to breath. DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. Those words come back and
haunt me. I want to turn around and run. I want to run as far
away as possible from this place. I don't want to be that
perfect Agent Scully anymore. He's gone. I refuse to believe
that. This must be a nightmare. If I pinch myself maybe I'll
wake up from this bad dream. But I know in my mind what's 
real and that hurts. I wish for a moment that I were a young
girl again. I wish I could lose myself in beautiful dreams. I
wish I could fly away from this world. He's gone and left me
here all alone. 
Walter Skinner appears in the doorway to the office. I turn
to him and without saying a word I move towards him. It's
time to play my part again. It's time to play Agent Scully,
the ice queen, again. 
In my mind a voice whispered:
"You loose".
And I know it's the truth.

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