Title: Standing still

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: Pg

Category:DSR

Spoiler: Within 

Summary: Scully takes the step and let Mulder go.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.


I had hoped that I would be strong enough to move on. I had 
thought that I could put it all behind me. I was sure of it.
But still they are in my dreams. 
I can never reach them. I always wake up with a scream
still lingering in my mind. I can't remember when I got a 
good night sleep. I always wake up right before the sunset 
with my heart racing in my chest and my body covered in sweet.
I see their faces before me but as soon as I open my eyes they
are gone. Sometimes I wish that I could just go to sleep and
never wake up again. But I know they would hate for it. So
with that thought I always manage to get up. 
I have taken down all the pictures of them from the walls. I
burned them all except one that I carry with me in my wallet.
The picture is old and torn. But I like having them close. 
I need them close.

I know about the sorrow in his eyes. I know that feeling all
to well. It's a feeling that can eat you up from inside. I 
don't want to ask. I don't want to care about him. It's not
my problem. I have read his file. I know about his family.
I know what happened. It's been two years now since the horror
struck John Doggetts family. People would say that he should
move on. But I know, it's not so easy. 

I know that she cares. I know she doesn't want to. But
she can't help herself. It's in her nature. It's nice to know
that there is someone who cares about me. It's been so long
since that. She never says anything. But I know. I can see
it in her eyes. She has wonderful eyes. They are so alive.
She tries really hard to hide feelings behind a wall but
her eyes always give her away. I love the way they look at 
me. I love the way I feel when she's in the room. It's a warm
feeling around the heart. She brings a light into the room.
I feel so strong around her. It feels like I can take on the
world when she's close. 


Once I thought I could do anything. I was so young and foolish.
I came to the FBI with a dream of climbing the ladder to 
success. I wanted respect. I wanted everything. I found I 
wanted in the basement. All my dreams came through when I
stepped into the office of Fox Mulder. I never climbed the
ladder to success but it was not for me. My place was by his
side. Now he's gone. It feels like I have lost a part of 
myself. It feels like I'm bleeding. He never said goodbye to
me and I never said goodbye to him. I glad I didn't. It's 
better this way. I have my memories and I like them to stay
bright and shinny. 
My life is different now. I see my world in different colours. 
Right after he left everything was so dark. It
was like someone had turned the lights off. Now, I'm back on
track. My heart is still fragile. I have worked hard to 
maintain the wall around my heart and I'll keep it fit. 
Loneliness was never a problem. It's part of my now. Some
might say that I'm afraid of loving again. They are right.
I'm afraid. I have never been so afraid in all my life. 
I don't want to feel so broken again. I don't want to bleed 
again. I'm strong now. I'm back on track and I'll stay that 
way. Even though I have to do it alone.

My heart races in my chest when she's close. Her scent makes
me feel dizzy. My hands scream out to touch her. I want to
know what it feels like holding her close. I want to taste
her lips. I want to tangle my hands in her hair. Oh, I'm
dreaming again. 
I take out the picture from my wallet. My family. They were
my life. I loved them. 
I felt nothing that day I laid them to rest in the dark soil
beneath my feet. I felt absolutely nothing. I was totally 
numb. Then when I saw the coffins in the dark wholes my whole
world came crushing down. I would have given my life for them.
I tried it once. The day after the funeral I sat for hours
holding my gun. I wanted to join them. I couldn't stand the
thought of never seeing them again. But I couldn't pull the
trigger. I guess I was to weak and to afraid. 
These days I still want them back. I still want them close. 
But my world is different now. I want more than the dark world
that I have been living in for the past two years. I have seen
the light at the end of the tunnel. She gave me that. 
She opened my eyes again. I'm slowly healing. I'm taking it
day by day. I move slowly. My heart isn't so strong. Sometimes
it feels like just a sweep breeze through the room or just
a scent can make it all come crushing down again. I guess I'm
weak. I can't just put it all behind. I can't turn my back
on those who were such a big part of my life. That would be
like lying to myself. So I'm taking it easy. 

I can feel him near. He's always close to me. He's like rock 
that I can cling to. He's beside me, behind me, everywhere.
He never says anything but I can see something in his eyes
that I can't understand. When I turn around he's there.
- Move, Agent Doggett.
- Make me.
He smiles.
I put my hands to his chest and push him hard. He laughs and
take my hand. 
- Let me go of my hand, Doggett.
He looks me straight into my eyes. He's so close. My heart
is racing in my chest. 
- I don't want to.
- Let me go.
I'm afraid.
Then it happened. It felt like my heart stopped. He pulled my
closer and gave me the softest kiss. I felt weak in his arms.
I felt hot and cold. He opened my mouth with his tongue and
went deeper. I wanted to die. I felt sick. Somehow I managed
to pull myself together and push him away from me. 
- Don't.
- Why?
I can't stand this. It feels like I'm on fire. It feels like
I'm going to fall apart if he touches me again.
- Please, just don't.
Then I walked out the door.

I can still taste her on my lips. I can still feel her close.
She has left her scent on me. I don't know why I kissed I just
couldn't take it much longer. She tasted just like I had
imagined. She was heaven and hell all rapped up in one. I can
drown in her if she only lets me. I know she doesn't feel the
same. I'm not him. I'm not Mulder.
I wish I were. Maybe then I would win her. But she loves him.
For once in my life I will do the right thing. I have to do
this. I have to let her go. She will never be mine.

It has finally begun snowing. I sit my window watching the
dark chase away the light outside. I see his face everywhere.
If I close my eyes I see him. I can still taste him on my lips
and I can still feel his hands on my body. This is madness. 
It was just a kiss, nothing else. I have been kissed before.
But not like that and not by him. I have never thought about
him in that way. He has been my partner, someone I work with.
I doubt I trust him. But he has always been by my side. He
has stood by my side when no one else would. He has watched
over me like an angel. Now this. I have to admit that I'm 
afraid. I don't know anything anymore. When he kissed me he
opened a door that I closed the moment Mulder went away. I
believed that nothing so great could happen too me twice. Is
it possible to love twice in a lifetime? Oh, this is not love.
I don't know what this is. It's just passion. He has a touch
that burns me. I have never felt so save then when I'm in his
arms. I fear facing him again. What should say? How should I
act? Should I be my calm self and act like nothing has happened?
Do I want that? I don't know what I want. I still have my
memories of the love I had and lost. I should be stronger now.
It was just a kiss. I should be able to put it behind me. 
I don't want to fall in love. Not again, not ever. Once I had
love and I can't bare the pain of losing it once again. So
it's better to not. I don't care. I'm strong enough to know
what's right. It was just a kiss, nothing else.

We move in circles. We don't talk as much these days. She
has a hard time looking me in the eye. I find it hard to be
close to her and not touch her. My hands wander sometimes and
I have to keep them buried in my pockets. I keep on reminding
me that she doesn't feel the same. But it's like trying to
put out a fire. I have tried everything. But I want her. My
whole body screams out for it. This life has thought me to
to make every minute count because you don't know what's behind
the next bend. But still I fear. I find it to be a blessing
to have loved two times in my life. I know my wife is smiling
up in heaven. I know she's with me. I know that I have to
fight for my heart. I can't give up. Not yet.

He came to my door just before sunset. My heart skipped a beat
when I saw him standing there. He was dressed in jeans, a white
t-shirt and a jacket. It felt like his eyes could see inside
of me. He let himself in. 
- What are you doing here, Agent Doggettt?
- I'm here to tell you something....I'm  in love with you.
- Don't say that.
I turned away from him afraid that he could see what I was 
thinking. I had never thought, I had never dreamed....
- I can't take this, walking around in ccircles. I hate it.
I kissed you and I haven't been able to sleep since then. I
don't sleep much anyway. I have my demons. But you make it 
all better.
- Please, Doggett.
He was behind me. I could feel him near.
- I lost my family to a killer and I thoought I never could
survive that. It wasn't possible to ever feel complete again.
It felt like someone had ripped out my heart and shattered my
soul. I tried to kill myself, but you might say I was too afraid
to do it. I wanted so badly to be with them. They were my all.
They were the reason I was alive. But you opened my eyes to
another world.
- Please, don't do this.
- I have to do this, Scully. If I don't  I know I'll slowly die
inside. You gave me light again. I don't know how you did it.
But you made me fall in love with you. I have been blessed
with loving twice in my life. So now I'm here, giving you
my heart.
I turned around and looked into his eyes. I saw tears there.
I could see a love that would never die. All I had to do was
reach out my hand and take it. Just one step and all the 
happiness could me mine. But voices inside my head whispered
words of betrayal. 
- I can't do this. 
- Scully.
- No, Doggett. I just can't and don't assk.
I could see pain in his eyes and sorrow. I did this. I caused
him this pain.
- I know that you feel the same. I can ssee it in your eyes.
- You're wrong.
Then he kissed me. It wasn't like before. This was demanding,
filled with a passion that burned in me. Once again I felt
the weakness inside of me when he held me close. Then he
broke away and walked out the door.

I have failed. I know I should have listen to my own words.
I guess foolish in that way, I keep hoping. But I know now
it was wrong to believe that I could win this fight. I'm
not Mulder. I wish that there were some way I could win her
heart. But there isn't. It's hard to surrender, but I have to.
I have lost. But I will never regret telling her what I feel.
I know I can go on. I'll survive.

The early light of day is my only company as I sit by my
window watching the sun go up. I can't sleep. His words are
in my head. He loves me. His face is everywhere. He wants me.
I'm afraid. He offers me love and the only thing I have to
do is to reach out for it. But I was too afraid to do it. So
I had pushed him away. Voices from the past came back to haunt.
I vowed to never ever give my heart again when I lost Mulder.
I know that he's coming back. I have accepted that. But still
it feels like a betrayal to love another than Mulder. 
But I love him. Oh, I do love John Doggett. I don't know
when it happened or how it happened but I'm in love with him.
But I'm still afraid. I have given my heart once and I can't
stand the pain of losing again. I know he'll never willingly
hurt me. But I have had too much heartache to stand another.
So the choice is to put this all behind me and move on. I
have my memories of the life I had with Mulder. I can still
feel his love everywhere. It's in the air and all around. I
know I can live like that. But I don't know if I'm prepared
to walk away from the love that is in front of me. I know
I lie when I say I'm happy being alone. I hate it. I want him
by my side. I want him close. I want to feel him inside of me.
I want to love him. 
The sun warms my face as I smile. I hope his waiting for me.
I hope it's not to late.

My heart is racing as I knock on his door. It's still early
but I don't care. I can't wait any longer. He opens dressed
in jeans, t-shirt and his hair in a mess. He looks sleepy.
I want to take him in my arms. I want to kiss him. I want to
touch him.
- Can I come in?
- Sure
I walk past him and into his house. I have practiced the 
speech all the way over.
- Just let me say this, Doggett.
- Okay.
- When I first was assigned to The X-filles I was young and I
was looking to climb the ladder to success. But then I met
Fox Mulder. He showed me another world. We became partners,
friends, soul mates you might say. I fell in love with him.
He was my friend, my lover and soul mate. He was the love of
my life. When he went away I thought I couldn't survive it.
Then you came along....
- Scully, I....
- You were nothing like him. I doubted tthat I even could 
trust you. I know now that I was wrong. Maybe I was blind.
Maybe I don't want to see. But I see clearer now. When 
you told me you loved me I was scared. I have had too much
heartache in my life to stand another.
- I would never leave you.
He walks up to me and takes my hand in mine.
- I know that. I lied to you. I do love  you, Doggett. I love
you more than I thought was possible. 
He smiles at me and frames my face between his hands.
- I know that it won't be easy but if yoou let me love you I
know that we can survive anything.
- I have been blessed with loving twice  in my life, Scully,
and I know that my wife is watching me right now and smiling.
I love you. 
Then he kisses me and raps me into his arms. I know that I
have made the right choice. It won't be easy but I do know
that I love him.
- Maybe it's time for you to call me Johhn.
I smile and say:
- Okay, John.
This life has thought many things. But I do know that you
have to love like you would die tomorrow. I have found love
once again and I'm not letting go. This heaven and it's mine.

Feedback-----Please.....j_rothen@yahoo.se