Title: Praying for time

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: MSR 

Spoiler: None

Summary: Mulder's thoughts after Scully has lost the fight
against cancer.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.

Sometimes if I just close my eyes I can see her. 
Once I was so angry with the world, but 
now I know it's no use. She taught me that. She opened my 
eyes. 
I remember how we used to walk around in circles,
afraid to let on what we felt. Before she entered my life
I used to think I could never love. I had given up the 
thought of falling in love and of being loved. I used
to think sometimes that it was like I was standing backstage
at some big play just waiting for my turn to step into the
spotlight and say my lines, but it never happened. It felt
like my life was on hold, like I was missing a big part of the
puzzle. I had spent all my time waiting for love to come into
my life. But time flew by and my heart ached in my chest. 
When she entered my life I believed my heart had died in
my chest if that was possible. I had given up the thought
of ever meeting that one true love. There was no such thing. 
But she opened my eyes again. She gave herself to me without
question. I fell in love with her that day. That gray, dull
day when she entered my office and my life. She brought
a light into my life that I so much needed. She became my 
friend, the one I could lean on when the darkness came to
close. She stood by my side when no one else would. I tried
in every way possible to show what she was to me. I was afraid
then to tell her how much she moved my world. I was afraid
of pushing her away, that she would laugh in my face, that
she would turn around and run. Sometimes I wished she would.
I wasn't good enough for her, or at least it felt like that.
It was like I had been blessed with an angel and I was to
afraid to believe it was true. I have done so many bad things,
seen so much darkness. So why would she love me? Was I worthy
of her love? I tried really hard to convince myself that I
could win her. I would give my life for her if she only asked.
I was and am in her power.
It has finally begun to snow. I stand by my window watching
the day turn into night. I know that it's over. But I know
it will take along time for me to let her go. It feels 
sometimes like we're one. I know that I have lost a piece of
myself. I feel it with every breath I take. It's like aching
around the heart. I like to think she has taken a part of
my heart with her on her journey. It feels better then somehow.
She's alone. Where ever she goes I'm with her. 
Oh, god how I miss her. I try to be strong, to put up a brave
front. I play the part of the brave hero that's Fox Mulder.
But I'm not brave. I wish sometimes that I could hide away 
from the world somewhere. But I know she would not like that.
She would expect me to fight the fights for her, for humanity.
That's what makes it all go around. The thought that she's
with me what ever I go. I can still feel her present. The
office is so quite. I hate the silence. Some days I daydream
that she'll come through that door at any moment. But it
remains closed. So I wake up from my dreams and the pain
I feel when reality hits is like someone is pushing a knife
through my heart. But I know I'll make it. 
I open my hand and look down at the necklace I always carry
with me. It's her necklace. The one she never takes off. I
would have wished that she would carry it with her on her
journey but her mum said that I would keep it. So I cling
to that necklace. It gives me such peace. I stare at the 
golden cross. I have never believed in God. I needed
the proof. But she showed me. She opened my eyes. These
days him and me is speaking again. It feels better. But
I prefer to talk to her. I like to think that she's out
there listening and smiling. 
The only regret I have is that I never told her how much
I love her. That is still eating at my soul. But I'm 
working on it. I spend a lot of time at her grave. I go
there ever Saturday to put down some flowers and I always
tell her how much I love her. People must think I'm crazy
talking to a tombstone. But it gives me comfort. 
I thank god that I got to say goodbye to her. Even then 
when death was at the doorstep I couldn't tell her. I couldn't
say the words. I wanted her to go in peace, to not worry
about me. But if I know her she would do that anyway. She
had such a good heart. I know she would give her life for
me as I would give it up for her. Believe me, I would gladly
have given it if I just knew that I could save her. I used
to think I could do anything, that it was no limits to what
I could do if I only put my mind to it. But I couldn't save 
her. No one could. It took a while for me to come to terms
that there was nothing I could do. That's not easy to give
up the fight just like that. I wanted to fight for her. 
When I got the news of her cancer I wanted to hit someone,
to blame someone. But I found that it was no use. It was
out of my hands now. 
We got three months until the cancer finally won the battle
for her life. During those months I spend ever waking hour
with her. I cherished every moment. I held her when the
pain got too much. When finally our time was up I prayed
to god to give me just one more moment. But he wasn't 
listening. He was calling his angel back home. Her face
was so peaceful when she looked up at me. I took her into
my arms and I knew then that I was holding a peace of heaven.
I kissed her lips one final time and whispered my goodbyes.
She told me that I shouldn't cry for her. That she would be
safe in her fathers arms. I believed her. Then she was gone.
It felt just like a breeze through the room when Dana Scully
left this life. 


The moon has come out to play. I smile up at the sky and sit
down at my desk. I put her necklace back at its place at
the pocket of my shirt, close to my heart. It's been almost
six months now. I know it's along time. The phone calls 
from Maggie Scully keeps on coming. She calls me ever Friday
afternoon to check up on me. I like that. It feels like I'm
closer to Scully somehow. 
Tomorrow is Saturday. I have bought some red roses to put
down at her grave tomorrow. I know how she loves roses. 
I think I'll go early so I can watch the sun go up with her.
I know she would like that. 
I can hardly wait.

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