Title: Never fade( follows "Never Part" )
Author: Jessica  ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: MSR, Scully angst, Mulder angst, V
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: None
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: Follows where "Never part" ended. Can Mulder and 
Scully find their way back to each other?
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong 
to FOX and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar 
mistakes may occur.
Thankyou: I want to say thank you to Law for helping me with this...
You're great! Tack. :)

I stand at my window watching him drive away.
I refuse to cry. I will not break down.
I never give my heart easily. It took a long time for me
to let myself love him. I didn't want to admit that I had 
lost my heart once again. But I have. 
I don't know how it happened. 
I opened myself up totally tonight. I gave my heart to him 
and prayed that he would do the same. 
Rejection is a hard thing to take. I never thought it could 
hurt so. He ripped my heart right out of my chest. But I 
could never hate him. 
Maybe I should be content with his friendship. 
Just give me till morning to give up fighting. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I vowed that I would never hurt her. I have just broken that
promise. I just wanted to die when I saw the pain in her eyes.
Now as I'm sitting here in the darkness of my living room I 
try to convince myself that I did the right thing. 
But I keep on seeing her face before me. I never thought it
could hurt so badly. It feels like someone has ripped out 
my heart. I have a hard time breathing. 
I fear that she will hate me for this. 
Everything has changed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can he be so cold?
How can he act like nothing has happened?
When I arrived this morning he was sitting behind his desk as
usual. He smiled at me as I arrived and hung up my coat. 
He began going over a case we had been given. I felt numb in
his presence. I wanted to reach out and touch him. I could
still taste him on my lips. 
Am I going mad? Oh, I don't know. 
I sat down in my chair and started to listen to what he had to
say. But I never really heard what he was saying. My mind 
drifted to the evening before when he had kissed me. I wanted
to scream out. I wanted to do something. But I knew I had no
right to. All he did was tell the truth. Mulder, always
the seeker of truth. That is one thing I love about him...his
strength. There is so much I love about him. His smile. His hands.
His eyes. 
God, I'm going crazy.
I know that I have to stop fighting. 
He will never be mine. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish that my heart wouldn't skip a beat every time she's near.
I have tried to drive her out of my heart. I have tried to 
find faults in her character. I have tried to turn away from
her. I have tried everything that I could come up with. But I 
haven't found a cure yet. 
And as the days pass by I fear that I will never find one. 

One month later, 
FBI annual ball

I guess I should have seen it coming. But I kept imagining
that she would come back to me somehow. 
I know that it's crazy thinking but I expected that everything 
would go back to what it was. 
Maybe it was more a prayer.
We have drifted apart. She no longer smiles in my presence. 
It feels like someone has stolen the sun from the sky. She 
no longer comes to me with her problems. She has pushed me away.
Everything has worked out as I wanted. 
So why does it hurt so?

She is dressed in a black backless dress. Her hair is shining.
I have never seen her look this amazing. She is glowing. 
She is on fire.
She is standing in the middle of the room talking to Skinner. I want
to go to her but I'm afraid. I stand in the doorway to the ballroom
watching her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can feel his eyes on me. I know that he's close. I turn around and
our eyes meet. I shiver as he smiles. I refuse to break down just
because he smiles. I want to go to him but my heart holds me back. In
my mind a voice is whispering that I should remember all the 
pain he brought me.
I stand here frozen as he walks towards me. God, he is handsome. He 
is dressed in a tuxedo and he's clean shaven. My hands long to touch
him again. I want to be held by him. I want to....
I push those feelings away as I look into his eyes. 
"May I have this dance, Scully?"
I want to run as far away as possible from the man that has so much
power over my heart. But I refuse to back down. I will be strong. I 
will show him that I can make it out here without him.
"Yes."
He takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor. I tremble a bit as 
his hand touches the sensitive skin on my back. I don't object when
he pulls me closer. The band plays a slow ballad. I surrender this 
battle and rest my head against his shoulder. I close my eyes and 
let myself be taken away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let death come. Let me be taken away, because I can't take this 
anymore. It feels like my heart is going to explode at any moment.
I don't know how to stop loving her. 
How can I let go of the only woman I have ever loved?
I don't know if I can take this. My heart can't take this pain.
She feels so fragile in my arms. But she fits so perfectly. She feels
almost weightless in my arms, like I'm holding an angel. 
I wish I could tell her the truth. I want to break free from these 
shackles that hold me down. I want to be loved by her.
But it's too late now. I will let her out of my heart and 
set her free.
Maybe one day not far from now she will come back to me.
She looks at me and our eyes meet. I want to drown in her. 
She draws me in. I crumble and fall. I thought I was stronger than 
this.
I guess I was wrong.
Maybe this is wrong. I don't know. 
We stop moving at the same time. My body screams out for her. I need 
her. I don't care what's right and proper anymore. All I want to do
is kill this voice that is screaming in my ear. 
My mind feels blurry as I lean closer and frame her face between my 
hands. Without any hesitation I lean down and brush my lips 
against hers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I shiver as he opens my mouth with his tongue. I want to break free
from his arms but his touch shatters my defence. I want this. 
Maybe there is a future for us. As he deepens the kiss I let myself
be taken away by the waves of feelings that wash over me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
I never thought there could be a heaven on earth. 
But I know the truth now. She is like magic in my arms.
I thought I could push her out of my heart. 
I know now that it is impossible. I need her like the air. 
She is a part of me. I close my eyes and let my senses guide me as I 
let myself go deeper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is this heaven or is this hell? He has the power to break through my 
defences with just one touch. Memories come back like flashes of 
light in my mind. The pain of rejection comes back to haunt me.
I can hear his voice when he said those words that hurt so. 
In my mind a voice is whispering that all of this is just a lie. 
"He really doesn't want you."
I want to kill that voice in my head. But I can't.  
Fear takes a hold of my heart and I break free from his arms. 
His eyes are dark as he looks at me. 
"I just can't."
Then I turn around and walk away from him. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mind is all a blur as I watch her go. I can still taste her on my
lips. My legs feel weak. I want to call out her name but 
I can't speak.
I know that I have done it again. I have broken that promise once 
again.
I have hurt her. I could see it in her eyes. God, I feel sick when I
think about it. 
I have to talk to her. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can feel him before I see him. I am standing  in the hallway 
outside the ballroom with my back turned. 
He is standing behind me. 
"Scully, I...."
"You don't have to explain." Why can't he just leave me alone? 
"I want to..."
I turn to him and place my finger against his mouth.
"Please, don't..."
I know what he will say. I have heard it all before. I can't take 
another heartache. I just can't. I'm not strong enough.
He takes my hand away from his mouth and kisses it gently. 
"I have to tell you something."
"No..."
I pull away from him, afraid of his touch.
"What I said that night it was ...."
"Please, Mulder I beg you. Don't bring that up. I have put it all 
behind me."
"But I haven't."
"Just let us forget that this ever happened. 
We have done it before.."
"I can't. Not this time."
"You have to."
"I'm in love with you, Scully."
Pain. Pain. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest 
as he says those words I had longed for. 
"You lie."
"No, Scully. Don't say that."
I back away from him. I can't take this anymore. I can't take this 
game we play. 
"Stop saying something you don't mean."
"But it's the truth."
I can see pain in his eyes. I want to believe him. 
Believe me, I really want to. 
But all I can hear is that voice that whispers that he 
really doesn't want me. 
"I can't believe you. I won't believe you. You have hurt me so many
times. I can't take another heartache."
"I'm so sorry, Scully. I thought I did the right thing."
"You hurt me that night more than I ever thought was possible. Others
have hurt me. But I never thought you could do that to me."
"Please, forgive me....."
I can see tears in his eyes as he reaches out his hand to me. 
"I gave you my heart that night...and you gave me....nothing..."
Tears caress my cheeks as I look at him. I want to love him. I want
to run into his arms and let myself be taken away by his love. 
But how can I trust him, again?
"Scully, I love you...."
"How can I ever trust anything you say ever again?"
I know that I'm breaking his heart. But I want to hurt him 
as much as he has hurt me.
I want to break him as he has broken me. 
"Scully, please...."
"No, Mulder...."
I avoid his touch, turn around and run out of the building. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't breathe. The pain makes it harder to move. I know that I have
to go after her. Tears make my sight blurry. I never thought I could
survive this pain. I know that she has all the right in the world to
hate me. But I never thought it could hurt like this.
I close my eyes and try to find the strength to go on. 
I will win this.
I will not back down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rain hits me and hits me hard as I come out. 
I don't know where I'm going but I don't care. 
All I want is to get away from him. 
Why can't I stop loving him? I want to rip out this foolish heart of
mine and toss it aside. 
My legs feel weak as I stumble forward. 
I feel cold. But I don't mind.
Let death come and take me away. See if I care. 
People pass me on the street without actually seeing me.
I stumble and fall. I get up on weak legs. I turn around and there he
is. He is standing just a few meters from me.
"Scully, come back."
"Leave me alone!"
"I can't."
I run towards him, fists raised. I want to psychically hurt him. I 
slam my fist against his chest. He lets me.
"Leave me alone. Damn you, Mulder. Damn you..."
"I love you."
"Stop saying that."
He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer. 
I break free from his arms and look at him.
"It's the truth. I don't know how to prove it to you. 
I made a mistake and I wish there was some magical way 
I could take it back."
"How can I trust that you won't wake up one day and walk away 
from me...that you decide that you don't love me anymore? 
I can't take you leaving me. Not again. Not ever. It would kill me."
"I can't promise you heaven. I can't promise that everything will be
all right, because I don't know. I just know one thing and that is 
that I love you more than I ever thought was possible. My love for
you is stronger than any I ever have known. It makes me see 
things differently. I love you,Scully. I need you.
I long for you. I...."
"Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it!!!"
Tears make my sight blurry. I slam my fist against his chest once
again. Finally my legs give away and I crumble to the ground. 
He kneels down beside me and looks at me. 
"Please, come in from the cold, Scully. Please let me love you."
It all comes down to trust. Trust is a rare gift. Can I trust him 
with my heart once again? I need so much to trust him. I want to love
him. 
"It's just that I'm in real danger in your arms. You might up 
and leave one day...just like that...and leave me all alone. 
I don't know if I can take that.
But I don't know if I can let you go either. 
I don't know how to stop loving you."
"You have my heart. I swear I will always love you."
"Don't say always...let's take it day by day."
I lean closer to him and he wraps his arms around me. 
It feels so nice to be held by him. 
I love him. I don't know what the future holds for
us. All I know is that I will love him until the day we part. 
"I love you, Mulder."
He smiles and whispers, 
"I love you, Scully."
He takes my hand and together we walk through the rain towards 
the car.

FEEDBACK::::::::PLEASE______j_rothen@yahoo.se